15 yr old son wont do as he is told....

[GinAA]

Call the Nanny,,,,be good be good

If I could only afford it. It's not a free service. The televised version or any other that I have looked into.

 

[Antigone*]

OH, I get it. I was given the belt when I didn't behave and that happened exactly twice. I have considered some sort of physical punishment but he has gotten too old for that and is 6'1" and 170 lbs and he knows it. I'm not saying that he would hurt anyone but he knows what he is capable of.

No matter what I tell him, he does what he wants to. I can't quit my job and hold his hand through life.

I am going to remove everthing from his room. Leave him 5 days worth of clothing since he has taken 2 days worth to his dads for the weekend.

Oh, and his father told me that he can fix everything by having the boy live with him. So now starts that issue.

Your son is 15 and as hard as you try, it seems like your son is going to fight you. If it were me and kiddo were making my life that miserable and dad said that to me, I'd pack his bags and say, "Dad, he is all yours."

 

[GinAA]

Your son is 15 and as hard as you try, it seems like your son is going to fight you. If it were me and kiddo were making my life that miserable and dad said that to me, I'd pack his bags and say, "Dad, he is all yours."

I have considered it several times but dad owes over 12K in back suppport and will only "take" him if I forgive this debt. Problem is, it's not up to me. His living situation isn't suitable for our son. He has a 2 br home with a wife that needs round the clock care so her uncle is living there and she has a 12 yr old son as well.

We will see how the room "cleaning" goes this weekend. His dad knows about all that's happened so I'm hoping he will try to talk to him again. I know our son doesn't want to move so maybe that will help too.

 

[Isis1]

I have considered it several times but dad owes over 12K in back suppport and will only "take" him if I forgive this debt. Problem is, it's not up to me. His living situation isn't suitable for our son. He has a 2 br home with a wife that needs round the clock care so her uncle is living there and she has a 12 yr old son as well.

We will see how the room "cleaning" goes this weekend. His dad knows about all that's happened so I'm hoping he will try to talk to him again. I know our son doesn't want to move so maybe that will help too.

the key point here mom, is following through. when you say you are going to do something, DO IT. if you think you may not do it, don't say it. don't tell him you are cleaning his room. just do it. don't tell him how long you plan to keep this up. give him a list of chores. something to keep himself busy. got a toilet that needs scrubbing in the very back? hand him a toothbrush? when isthe last time your floorboards have been scrubbed? let him have that. when is the last time the trash can has been scrubbed? the big trash can that is picked up on a weekly basis? the stove scrubbed by hand? how about UNDER the refrigerator?

 

[Proserpina]

I heartily recommend the "cleaning...with a toothbrush" approach, too.

Oh yes.

 

[cbg]

You don't leave him five days worth of clothing. You take it all, and each day you issue him one outfit.

 

[Antigone*]

You don't leave him five days worth of clothing. You take it all, and each day you issue him one outfit.

...and it should be old ratty clothes from a thrift store at that!!!

 

[>Charlotte<]

And you'd better believe that, yes, he does care. He's just determined not to show you he cares in an attempt to deflate your sense of power over him. He's waiting for the "Fine! Nothing works, I give up. Just do what you want and learn that hard way." Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner, folks.

I'm still not quite sure you're getting just how far you need to go. We're talking basics of survival, here. Stranded on a desert island survival. If you've done that, there's only one more hurdle to jump. He's going to act nonchalant and say he doesn't care. You keep up the heavy restrictions. If he can get through that in a week without breaking, you go two weeks. If he gets through three weeks, you kick it into a month. Don't ever give up. What's at stake here is who emerges with all the power in the relationship.

And if Sonny thinks he's going to go live with good ol' Dad who loves him and wants him, he should be reminded that Dad's only willing to have him if you let him off the hook for his debt. It's about the money with him.

 

[stealth2]

I can't help but wonder how much of his acting out has to do with his family situation. Kids this age often have a really tough time with divorce, even if it is a few years into it. Might be worth considering that this child is screaming for help, and all he gets is extra punishment. Just sayin'.

 

[Rushia]

And you'd better believe that, yes, he does care. He's just determined not to show you he cares in an attempt to deflate your selse of power over him. He's waiting for the "Fine! Nothing works, I give up. Just do what you want and learn that hard way." Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner, folks.

I'm still not quite sure you're getting just how far you need to go. We're talking basics of survival, here. Stranded on a desert island survival. If you've done that, there's only one more hurdle to jump. He's going to act nonchalant and say he doesn't care. You keep up the heavy restrictions. If he can get through that in a week without breaking, you go two weeks. If he gets through three weeks, you kick it into a month. Don't ever give up. What's at stake here is who emerges with all the power in the relationship.

And if Sonny thinks he's going to go live with good ol' Dad who loves him and wants him, he should be reminded that Dad's only willing ot have him if you let him off the hook for his debt. It's about the money with him.

I'm not really sure that's wise. It puts the child into the middle of the support issue where he should NOT be and could cause him more issues than he already has.

 

[commentator]

Thank you, steath!

Has anyone noticed how eagerly we have all jumped on the bandwagon of punishing the heck out of this young man so quickly?

As the former target of a single parent rageholic who didn't like my father or me who happened to look like him, I can't help but wonder. Actually for a fifteen year old who used to be active in sports, which in and of itself demands some internal discipline, "coming home right after school to study" every day sounds first rather harsh, and second, rather unenforceable in this situation where the mother isn't home to see if he is home anyway.

It sounds as though "take away, take away, punish punish punish!" is creating a monster here. Doing the same things and expecting different results is insanity. My mother decided she would take away everything from me. I would sit in my underwear on the floor with my head down. Hah! Try telling this to a healthy reasonably intelligent young person!

This young man would probably profit tremendously from spending some time with his father. He is getting madder and madder, and more and more stubborn. Living together with a teenager involves the engenderment of cooperation, not WWIII. It is scary to think what alternatives are available to him, beginning with running away from home.

Perhaps family counseling would be appropriate. What Mom is demanding here is total compliance to her rules, at a time when a young person is struggling to have a life apart from the family, dealing with separation from his parents, dealing with trying to become an adult male. When she has problems with his compliance, she has the instinct to tighten up, tighten up. She is very regretful she is not much bigger than he, so she can force physical compliance. She'd like the opportunity to legally beat him into submission.
But for heaven's sake, perhaps we need a new approach!

 

[>Charlotte<]

I agree this kid obviously needs a lot of love and attention and, almost certainly, counseling. He also needs to know that unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable, and has consequences. Negative consequences.

The turmoil in his life might be the reason for his behavior, but it's not an excuse for it.

And you're right, Rushia--that wasn't a very well thought out comment on my part.

 

[Rushia]

I agree this kid obviously needs a lot of love and attention and, almost certainly, counseling. He also needs to know that unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable, and has consequences. Negative consequences.

The turmoil in his life might be the reason for his behavior, but it's not an excuse for it.

And you're right, Rushia--that wasn't a very well thought out comment on my part.

I agree, unacceptable is unacceptable. The child needs to learn to rise above his issues as the rest of us have had to do. Young man? No, this is a child. Until he learns to bump up his grades and follow the rules of the house, he is exhibiting childlike behavior. This is what happens when society is more worried about the child's self esteem than parenting the child.

I wasn't really disagreeing with you, Charlotte, just pointing out that it might make things worse.

 

[stealth2]

And I think that, perhaps, Mom should take the time to try and find out what the heck is going on in the kid's head. I'd bet that he's acting out to get attention - and negative attention is better than none at all. He needs as much Mom time as his younger siblings. And if he's not going to get it by being a "good kid"? Then by God, he will get it by being a brat.

In a lot of ways, the teen years are more difficult than the younger ones. They look so grown up, they're struggling to find themselves and become adults, but they still need Mommy and Daddy as much as ever.

commentator...

As the former target of a single parent rageholic who didn't like my father or me who happened to look like him

My son has this problem. He looks much like me, and his personality is very similar. It drives his other parent nuts. While it's not made obvious in words, it is in actions, with our other child being very much the favorite there. Shame, really, as our son is just a fantastic person.

 

[Alex23]

Is the Brazil treatment legal?