15 yr old son wont do as he is told....

[Antigone*]

Is the Brazil treatment legal?

Considering the source...I don't think so

 

[GinAA]

Thank you, steath!

Has anyone noticed how eagerly we have all jumped on the bandwagon of punishing the heck out of this young man so quickly?

As the former target of a single parent rageholic who didn't like my father or me who happened to look like him, I can't help but wonder. Actually for a fifteen year old who used to be active in sports, which in and of itself demands some internal discipline, "coming home right after school to study" every day sounds first rather harsh, and second, rather unenforceable in this situation where the mother isn't home to see if he is home anyway.

It sounds as though "take away, take away, punish punish punish!" is creating a monster here. Doing the same things and expecting different results is insanity. My mother decided she would take away everything from me. I would sit in my underwear on the floor with my head down. Hah! Try telling this to a healthy reasonably intelligent young person!

This young man would probably profit tremendously from spending some time with his father. He is getting madder and madder, and more and more stubborn. Living together with a teenager involves the engenderment of cooperation, not WWIII. It is scary to think what alternatives are available to him, beginning with running away from home.

Perhaps family counseling would be appropriate. What Mom is demanding here is total compliance to her rules, at a time when a young person is struggling to have a life apart from the family, dealing with separation from his parents, dealing with trying to become an adult male. When she has problems with his compliance, she has the instinct to tighten up, tighten up. She is very regretful she is not much bigger than he, so she can force physical compliance. She'd like the opportunity to legally beat him into submission.
But for heaven's sake, perhaps we need a new approach!

The divorce is over 14 years old.

The restrictions wasn't sudden. He had gotten an "F" in a class and given 2 weeks to try and bring it up. He ended up getting 2 "D"'s in the process. I continued to allow him to attend the sessions until the 2nd "F" showed up. To me, he was neglecting what is important.

I am looking into counseling. He has already told me he wont go. That no one needs to know his business.

His father will not get physical custody. He has an ill wife that is dependant on another relative to live with them to take care of her and her son. His home is only a 2 br and he deploys for over a year in about 1 year. There is no way I can let my son get into that situation. I would have to get custody changed once his father left because his wife is in no condition to be responsible for him. And her relative has no rights in this as his guardian.

UPDATE: I have removed everything from his room except his bed and his school books. I have removed his light as well since he promised me he would do his homework at the table downstairs. He comes home on Monday.

 

[GinAA]

I agree, unacceptable is unacceptable. The child needs to learn to rise above his issues as the rest of us have had to do. Young man? No, this is a child. Until he learns to bump up his grades and follow the rules of the house, he is exhibiting childlike behavior. This is what happens when society is more worried about the child's self esteem than parenting the child.

I wasn't really disagreeing with you, Charlotte, just pointing out that it might make things worse.

I have tried to use this argument as well. That if he wants to be treated like a young adult, he needs to act like one first. It just goes round and round until I tell him the conversation is over and he storms off.

 

[GinAA]

And I think that, perhaps, Mom should take the time to try and find out what the heck is going on in the kid's head. I'd bet that he's acting out to get attention - and negative attention is better than none at all. He needs as much Mom time as his younger siblings. And if he's not going to get it by being a "good kid"? Then by God, he will get it by being a brat.

In a lot of ways, the teen years are more difficult than the younger ones. They look so grown up, they're struggling to find themselves and become adults, but they still need Mommy and Daddy as much as ever.

commentator...

We do have some very good heart to heart talks. He tells me how he feels about things and I really try to respect his feelings and his wishes but then he goes off and doesn't come home for hours and hours and it just makes me feel like he has those moments just to get what he wants. He always looks so surprised when I get upset with him.

 

[stealth2]

And ya know what *I* think? Maybe you should spend a little more time on YOUR kid, and let your husband sort out his kid issues. 'Cause I would bet that your focus on the latter have a lot to do with your son's acting out.

Everyone else? Go have a peek at OP's posts on C&V.

 

[GinAA]

And ya know what *I* think? Maybe you should spend a little more time on YOUR kid, and let your husband sort out his kid issues. 'Cause I would bet that your focus on the latter have a lot to do with your son's acting out.

Everyone else? Go have a peek at OP's posts on C&V.

Like I stated in the other forum.....I don't get invovled until he gives up. MY son isn't here right now so I didn't feel it was an issue.

I do focus on my children. I have a 3 yr old and an 11 month old and a 15 yr old.....
It's hard to give everyone the attention they need and deserve. The little ones don't understand when it's "brother's" time. And he understands that he gets all of my attention once the girls go to bed. That is when we usually get time to talk but he chooses to start arguments with me in the middle of bath time or dinner time or change the poopies time because he knows I can't put my full effort into the conversation. He is a sly one, he is.

It's all going to change. I'm working on my time managment at home but for some reason my little ones just don't understand what all that means to them.

So I'm done on the other board. Told Hubby he is going to have to take charge of this latest issue because I have my own issues to deal with.

 

[stealth2]

And you and hubby *never* talk about his kids and that situation except when your son isn't around? Phhht.

As for his "starting arguments" when you're tending to the littles? He's feeling neglected. Is it a fair assumption that your husband the father of the two littles? Tell kiddo to give you a minute to finish what you're doing, hand over the littles to your husband, and spend some time with your 15yo.

Counseling would be good for him, but I'm not surprised he's resistant. He doesn't see it as HIS problem. He sees it as yours. And it likely is some of both. So you would benefit from it as well. Maybe if he sees you committed to fixing your part of it, he'd think about fixing his part.

 

[GinAA]

And you and hubby *never* talk about his kids and that situation except when your son isn't around? Phhht.

As for his "starting arguments" when you're tending to the littles? He's feeling neglected. Is it a fair assumption that your husband the father of the two littles? Tell kiddo to give you a minute to finish what you're doing, hand over the littles to your husband, and spend some time with your 15yo.

Counseling would be good for him, but I'm not surprised he's resistant. He doesn't see it as HIS problem. He sees it as yours. And it likely is some of both. So you would benefit from it as well. Maybe if he sees you committed to fixing your part of it, he'd think about fixing his part.

I have asked him to wait till I'm done with what I'm doing and he will stand behind me and huff and puff then storm off. my husband walks out as I walk in. We work different shifts so there is no one to hand them off to.

I know he feels neglected and we have tried to make sure he gets his time but he wants it on his schedule with no working room at all.

We are trying to get into family counseling. It's been very difficult and since he wont come home after school, I can't get him over to the office for the appointment for the intake.

UPDATE: I removed everything from his room. He came home last night, went upstairs and came back down. Looked at me and just smiled. Went on his merry way to shower, eat then did a little homework and went off to bed. He got up and went to school. I received a msg on Facebook from him stating he would be home around 9pm after he goes to The Revolution.

Can I lock him out? Will I get into trouble if I wont let him in the house tonight? My 11mo old has double ear infections and a resperatory problem and he knows I can't go get him. I'm stuck and he knows it.

 

[LAR86]

Been there...

I know you don't want to hear this but call the law. In my state NC if I call enough for an undisciplined juvenile, they will eventually take him to court in front of a judge and he may get a curfew and if he doesn't follow that then he may get detention. He sounds like he doesn't care an indication he may be doing drugs. Would you rather him be mad at you the rest of your life or would you rather him be alive to live the rest of his? I had a 13 year old daughter, now 23 and a wonderful mother and wife, you'd never know it now but she was exactly like you son, maybe worse. She went before a judge and he told her next time she gets into trouble she would go to detention for 6 months to a year. She had previously been in detention 2 weeks before. I talked her into going to Camp Eckerd, a one year program of counseling camping and education. My daughter loved it and got out in ten and a half months instead of 1 year. She loved it and it did a world of good. My son in October 2009, I had problems with him and he straightened up after a couple of weeks. I called the police every time he didn't listen and they came out, wrote up a report and gave him a stern talking to each time. My son was basically a good kid, takes all Honors classes, no drugs (randomly tested, came up negative), Honor Roll student. Good kids go astray once in awhile, they just need some guidance to get back on track. Despite what anyone thinks tough love works. I have 3 kids and practiced it on all 3. They are all good kids. Don't be afraid to get real tough.

Good luck!

 

[GinAA]

I know you don't want to hear this but call the law. In my state NC if I call enough for an undisciplined juvenile, they will eventually take him to court in front of a judge and he may get a curfew and if he doesn't follow that then he may get detention. He sounds like he doesn't care an indication he may be doing drugs. Would you rather him be mad at you the rest of your life or would you rather him be alive to live the rest of his? I had a 13 year old daughter, now 23 and a wonderful mother and wife, you'd never know it now but she was exactly like you son, maybe worse. She went before a judge and he told her next time she gets into trouble she would go to detention for 6 months to a year. She had previously been in detention 2 weeks before. I talked her into going to Camp Eckerd, a one year program of counseling camping and education. My daughter loved it and got out in ten and a half months instead of 1 year. She loved it and it did a world of good. My son in October 2009, I had problems with him and he straightened up after a couple of weeks. I called the police every time he didn't listen and they came out, wrote up a report and gave him a stern talking to each time. My son was basically a good kid, takes all Honors classes, no drugs (randomly tested, came up negative), Honor Roll student. Good kids go astray once in awhile, they just need some guidance to get back on track. Despite what anyone thinks tough love works. I have 3 kids and practiced it on all 3. They are all good kids. Don't be afraid to get real tough.

Good luck!

Thanks!

I'm pretty sure he isn't doing drugs but, as you will read all over these boards, I can't be totally sure.

The police here told me that if I call about him missing again he will be listed as a runaway and put into the system once found. That would mean being detained, taken before a judge and probably not be released back to my custody for about a week. That's pretty much what I wanted to happen.

Last night he did come home about 930 pm. Started banging on the doors the throwing snowballs at the upstairs windows. I didn't respond and had all the lights out in the house. I was putting my girls to bed anyway. My husband came home about 1015 pm for lunch and my son came in behind him.

We talked, well, I talked. As of this afternoon, he came home, the doors were locked (my 3 yr old has recently begun a facination with the door locks). My son went to the library and called my husband's phone and left a voice mail that he would be back in about 10 mintues to please unlock the doors. He didn't come back to the house and on my way home from work, about 445 pm, I stopped by the library and picked him up.

He came in, did his homework, played with his sisters and is taking a shower.

Will see what tomorrow brings. He did as for his lightbulb back for his room though.

 

[stmfitr636]

You could look into a Incorrigablity Petition/hearing.

This will give the courts jurisdiction should he continue to be incorrigable.

 

[GinAA]

UPdate

My son has been coming home regularly for a few days now. I have contacted princepal at his HS and she has been a great help in letting his teachers know what limitations my son has. She has also let me know the times events end at the school so I know when he should be home. I have caught him in a few lies and he recants with the truth pretty quickly. His room is still empty but he has asked when he can get some of his things back so he is interested in doing what it takes to behave. We are all much happier now and so is he.

Thank you all.

 

[Isis1]

i'm all for the garden of eden!!

but it never had occured to me to take the LIGHTBULB out!! LMFAO! that was GOOD!!!

 

[GinAA]

i'm all for the garden of eden!!

but it never had occured to me to take the LIGHTBULB out!! LMFAO! that was GOOD!!!

It's been an eye opener for him for sure. Now that the days are getting longer, keeping the lightbulb may not have the same effect. I did tell him if he can't keep on the right path, I will take his blindes out. He loves to sleep in on the weekends and that would just kill him. He smiled and said he's good for now.

Not the garden of eden but it's getting there.

 

[kroam82]

Has there been any new friends in this kids life. I have a niece and nephew that went through this sudden decline and it was due to new friends and drugs. They sell drug test kits at wal-mart and most pharmacies. I would get the one that tests for just about everything and make him take it. Its pretty much like a pregnancy test. At least you would know if drugs were the cause. Only catch is you need to make sure he is actually taking it and not scooping water out of the toilet. Maybe you can get with the dad and have him observe, I know it sounds harsh but you can't help if you don't know what is going on.