Can Temporary Orders be extended?

[tigger22472]

Ya know MinCa I wasn't going to respond here but the more I thought about some of your comments the more it ticked me off

You said that NCP's (normally men in your assessment) don't know they can file for custody ETC... first off PLEASE!!!! Secondly, let me tell you of a story. While starting our divorce my ex told me he was going to file for custody of our children who were 9 and 6 at the time.He wasn't going to file because he wanted them or because he thought I was unfit, he wasn't even going to file. He only told me he was thinking it would irritate me. Well, he was left irritated when I told him I had no problem with him filing for custody. It is EVERY parent's right to file and I would hope every parent would want their children to remain with them. When that line didn't work with me he moved on that if he couldn't get one child he would go for one and he 'knew which one' he'd go for. My ex was convinced that my oldest was my favorite as well as my mother's favorite even though it wasn't true. What upset me about this was that for one I didn't want my children split up, their parents divorced, they didn't and for two the child he didn't 'pick' idolized him at the time and would of gone with him in a heartbeat given a choice. In the end, he never fought or filed for custody and saw and/or talked to the children a total of 12 times from December 1999 until July 2001. He didn't pay child support and eventually his rights were terminated and the children were adopted by my current husband after I tried and tried to get him to have a relationship with them. He didn't want to pay support so the easiest way for not getting caught for that was to not have contact with the kids because then I'd know where he was living.. etc..

Looking back at that time I now can laugh about when he was 'chose' which kid he would take because had I played his game it would be funny now. He would have the 14 yr old boy who's trying to earn his Master's Degree in head and eye rolling, Sighing as if he's been asked to find the answer to world peace when asked to do something. When told to do something he say "okay" with a tone that he tries to blame on his voice change (NOT) and the aforementioned sigh. Before you can get everything out of your mouth about something you would want him to do that isn't a normal chore or to help someone else out he's asking what he gets out of it... and heaven forbid you ask him to do anything physical.

I on the other hand would have the 11 yr old boy who, although is BY NO MEANS perfect is the most generous, helpful and pretty respectible child I know. This kid will go out of his way to help anyone and will refuse any kind of compensation for it. He rarely fights with his sister and doesn't argue most of the time with anyone unless they start it first. Yes, he's cocky a bit and doesn't always know when he's taken that too far but all in all the attitudes he has will not only take him far in life but will have him respected.

 

[bliss_in_texas]

I agree with you. I was just sharing what a judge has told me.

joan marie *

I wasn't going after you, I just meant the concept is backward. It's supposed to be about the kids, right?

 

[Boyington]

I think of it this way: if you had to hire a babysitter off and on or ever had to have your son stay with grandparents for a weekend because your job sent you out of town and your son cried about staying with the babysitter or grandparents you would still make him stay with these people. Why not his father? Grandparents are typically about appearances too, like to have fun with the kids but don't want to be there on a permanent basis to clean up all the messes? You would still want you child to have a relationship with his grandparents, why not dad?

Have you ever tried to spend a whole month just telling your son that he has to visit dad? We don't typically console our kids when we don't see a reason for them to be consoled, when you spend such huge amounts of time consoling him you could be verifyling with him that there really is a problem with having some fun with dad. Does he every overhear you talking bad about his dad with others?

Have you ever thought of matter of factly sending him off with his dad, making it a fast process, and not getting emmotional at all with your son concerning it? It could also help to not go overboard with the ' I missed you so much' when your son returns. I would try to do whatever you can do to not let the leaving with dad and returning from dad be a big deal at all for a couple months. If you son cries then tell him in a non emmotional way that there is no reason for him to be upset about just going to have some fun with dad, and then walk away.

Is there a significant reason why you should want your son to grow up to become the only 12 year old in his class who hasn't ever been able to play catch with his dad or doesn't even know his dad because mom thought that spending time with his dad was too scary and sad? How are you going to prepare your son to be able to handle you leaving him at school in the future if he can't learn that it is okay to not always be able to cling to your side?

 

[bliss_in_texas]

I think of it this way: if you had to hire a babysitter off and on or ever had to have your son stay with grandparents for a weekend because your job sent you out of town and your son cried about staying with the babysitter or grandparents you would still make him stay with these people. Why not his father? Grandparents are typically about appearances too, like to have fun with the kids but don't want to be there on a permanent basis to clean up all the messes? You would still want you child to have a relationship with his grandparents, why not dad?

Who said I didn't want him to have a relationship with Dad? And I disagree that Grandparents are about appearances.

Have you ever tried to spend a whole month just telling your son that he has to visit dad? We don't typically console our kids when we don't see a reason for them to be consoled, when you spend such huge amounts of time consoling him you could be verifyling with him that there really is a problem with having some fun with dad. Does he every overhear you talking bad about his dad with others?

I've answered this already, I've never talked bad about him and I don't talk about him going to Dad's until it's time to go.

Have you ever thought of matter of factly sending him off with his dad, making it a fast process, and not getting emmotional at all with your son concerning it? It could also help to not go overboard with the ' I missed you so much' when your son returns. I would try to do whatever you can do to not let the leaving with dad and returning from dad be a big deal at all for a couple months. If you son cries then tell him in a non emmotional way that there is no reason for him to be upset about just going to have some fun with dad, and then walk away.

Tried it...

Is there a significant reason why you should want your son to grow up to become the only 12 year old in his class who hasn't ever been able to play catch with his dad or doesn't even know his dad because mom thought that spending time with his dad was too scary and sad? How are you going to prepare your son to be able to handle you leaving him at school in the future if he can't learn that it is okay to not always be able to cling to your side?

Again, who said I didn't want Dad involved? And I happen to know plenty of 12 year olds who's Dad's aren't there. The problem here is adjustment and that Dad doesn't care to spend any time with son. If he did, he'd be calling, he'd be asking for time, he'd be sending him things, taking time with him. He doesn't now nor has he ever. He is about appearances and that is it. Kids are smart, they pick up on emotions. My ex has none. So, don't come after me, I've tried everything in the book to get this man involved, he wasn't, he didn't want to be and the rift here isn't my doing, it's his lack of involvement. Before the court order, he came around a lot less by his own volition. Now he comes because the judge said so, it hasn't changed how he really is and it hasn't changed how he interacts with my son or how my son see's him. In time, maybe it'll change, that is what this is about. Don't accuse me of being a Daddy basher, I've worked for years to make Daddy be there, you can't force anyone to be there. I'm the one who has to do damage control now and I'm busting my butt to make sure my son is okay. THATS what this is about. Gheez.

 

[LdiJ]

The bottom line is that each and every child is different. There are some children that would easily and quickly adjust to time with a former absentee parent. There are other children who would only adjust very very slowly, even with 100% encouragement from the cusodial parent.

And...then there is every other combination or possibility in between.

I think it's dead wrong to accuse every CP with a child who isn't adjusting at the most rapid pace possible of being the cause of the problem. That doesn't mean that some of them aren't contributing to the problem...either inadvertantly or advertantly...but that doesn't mean that all of them are....in fact, it doesn't even mean that MOST of them are.

Some kids honestly don't cope well with overnights....particularly if a parent has been awol. Heck, both my daughter AND my nieces didn't cope well with overnights with relatives that they spent tons of time with and adored, until they were 5 or 6.

Some kids just just plain need the security of their own homes and their own beds.

That being said...its also important to encourage CP's to cut the apron strings as much as is realistically possible when it comes to the other parent...but lets give that encouragement in a positive way (the ones who did shouldn't take this as directed at them)

MOST parents, both male and female, are just trying their best to do what is right for their kids.

And...quite frankly, any parent who has been awol for most of their child's life (however long that life has been) is the one who should be doing most of the "work" to make things right for the child. Its selfish of the CP to deliberately make their child cling to them...but its equally selfish of the ncp to demand more than what the child is ready for.

Off my soapbox now.

 

[bliss_in_texas]

The bottom line is that each and every child is different. There are some children that would easily and quickly adjust to time with a former absentee parent. There are other children who would only adjust very very slowly, even with 100% encouragement from the cusodial parent.

And...then there is every other combination or possibility in between.

I think it's dead wrong to accuse every CP with a child who isn't adjusting at the most rapid pace possible of being the cause of the problem. That doesn't mean that some of them aren't contributing to the problem...either inadvertantly or advertantly...but that doesn't mean that all of them are....in fact, it doesn't even mean that MOST of them are.

Some kids honestly don't cope well with overnights....particularly if a parent has been awol. Heck, both my daughter AND my nieces didn't cope well with overnights with relatives that they spent tons of time with and adored, until they were 5 or 6.

Some kids just just plain need the security of their own homes and their own beds.

That being said...its also important to encourage CP's to cut the apron strings as much as is realistically possible when it comes to the other parent...but lets give that encouragement in a positive way (the ones who did shouldn't take this as directed at them)

MOST parents, both male and female, are just trying their best to do what is right for their kids.

And...quite frankly, any parent who has been awol for most of their child's life (however long that life has been) is the one who should be doing most of the "work" to make things right for the child. Its selfish of the CP to deliberately make their child cling to them...but its equally selfish of the ncp to demand more than what the child is ready for.

Off my soapbox now.

Wise words, thank you.