DCF Investigation

[Zigner]

Housing- In the state of Kansas there are laws about housing arrangements with children, especially children of the opposite sex. That was just supplemental info to help paint the true picture.

Please feel free to point out the law that says it's not legal for a female child of 6 years old to sleep in the same bed with her father.

 

[forthekids217]

Are you really so obtuse that you insist on using "WE" on this?

Yes he moved 2 hours away. At the time his daughter was 3 and we kept her at our home more than 50% of the time. His son was in school, and although I know that many parents switch custody during the school year, we are against interfering in education and feel that moving every semester would be detrimental to his education. He still paid child support for both the kids. His job at the time (which he had been at for 19 years) went out of business and there was a lot of opportunity and a better economy here. The mother has always had a very unstable life and our hope was to build something more stable for ALL of our 7 children (step kids and biological kids).

We have the kids (when she doesn't try to use my husband's parenting time as a control factor) anytime they are not in school unless there are special arrangements worked out. This would amount to approximately 35-40% of the time when you include weekends, holidays, inservice days, breaks and summer. We still pay child support every two weeks whether we have them or not. We also buy their clothing for school, pay extra for sports, dance, etc. My husband actually went to court over child support, and the mother's attorney dropped the case with no child support owed- but we still felt that we should contribute as much as possible.

Well, since WE both are against interfering in education, WE both are home and interact with the kids when they are here during DAD'S parenting time, WE use money out of OUR bank account and he and I both give it to the mother, and I guess I should say I, not we, take them shopping or go shopping myself to purchase clothes, etc, and WE both felt the same way about BOTH of US constributing, I really felt that the use of the word WE was appropriate. Wow.

 

[Zigner]

Yes he moved 2 hours away. At the time his daughter was 3 and we kept her at our home more than 50% of the time. His son was in school, and although I know that many parents switch custody during the school year, we are against interfering in education and feel that moving every semester would be detrimental to his education. He still paid child support for both the kids. His job at the time (which he had been at for 19 years) went out of business and there was a lot of opportunity and a better economy here. The mother has always had a very unstable life and our hope was to build something more stable for ALL of our 7 children (step kids and biological kids).

We have the kids (when she doesn't try to use my husband's parenting time as a control factor) anytime they are not in school unless there are special arrangements worked out. This would amount to approximately 35-40% of the time when you include weekends, holidays, inservice days, breaks and summer. We still pay child support every two weeks whether we have them or not. We also buy their clothing for school, pay extra for sports, dance, etc. My husband actually went to court over child support, and the mother's attorney dropped the case with no child support owed- but we still felt that we should contribute as much as possible.

Well, since WE both are against interfering in education, WE both are home and interact with the kids when they are here during DAD'S parenting time, WE use money out of OUR bank account and he and I both give it to the mother, and I guess I should say I, not we, take them shopping or go shopping myself to purchase clothes, etc, and WE both felt the same way about BOTH of US constributing, I really felt that the use of the word WE was appropriate. Wow.

I didn't highlight the uses of "we" that were understandable.

 

[forthekids217]

Please feel free to point out the law that says it's not legal for a female child of 6 years old to sleep in the same bed with her father.

I did not ever say that a 6 year old female could not sleep in the same bed with her father. I was referring to a law that was in place when my own older kids were little and I was interested in becoming a foster parent, and it may have changed by now- I haven't looked it up specifically but the law stated that children of the oppisite sex over 5 years old could not sleep in the same room. I will say that when I was answering questions during the DCF interview the worker asked me about the sleeping arrangements of the children.

 

[Zigner]

I did not ever say that a 6 year old female could not sleep in the same bed with her father. I was referring to a law that was in place when my own older kids were little and I was interested in becoming a foster parent, and it may have changed by now- I haven't looked it up specifically but the law stated that children of the oppisite sex over 5 years old could not sleep in the same room. I will say that when I was answering questions during the DCF interview the worker asked me about the sleeping arrangements of the children.

Please feel free to point out the law that says that children of the opposite sex that are over 5 years old cannot sleep in the same room.

I'm not talking about foster-parenting policy/guidelines...


I'm not going to go back and look, but didn't you say you used to be a cop? If so, then you should know the difference between law and policy...

 

[forthekids217]

I didn't highlight the uses of "we" that were understandable.

The "WE's" I responded about were the ones you had highlighted. That is why I pasted that particular piece of the post.

 

[Zigner]

The "WE's" I responded about were the ones you had highlighted. That is why I pasted that particular piece of the post.

No, they are not. I specifically agree with the use of "we" when referring to buying them clothes, as that is shared money. I specifically disagree with the use of "we" when referring to "having them" (YOU don't have them, he does) and when referring to child support.

 

[forthekids217]

Please feel free to point out the law that says that children of the opposite sex that are over 5 years old cannot sleep in the same room.

I'm not talking about foster-parenting policy/guidelines...


I'm not going to go back and look, but didn't you say you used to be a cop? If so, then you should know the difference between law and policy...

I did go and look, and my apologies, it is a Kansas regulation that applies to foster homes only. I was not aware of that, and when I'm wrong, I have no problem admitting it. From what I read, although there is no law that applies to adopted or natural children, CPS strongly frowns upon opposite sex kids sharing a room, especially if there is a significant age difference or puberty has been reached. Perhaps that is why the DCF worker asked me about the sleeping arrangements of the kids in the home (14-male, 10-male, 8-female and 7-female).

 

[Zigner]

From what I read, although there is no law that applies to adopted or natural children, CPS strongly frowns upon opposite sex kids sharing a room, especially if there is a significant age difference or puberty has been reached.

Please point out the policy that states this.

 

[single317dad]

And, deriding mom? Using the term "BM" is derision? Maybe I'm a little less sensitive to such things because I have been called far worse over the years, but if that's the standard by which we jump down poster's throats here ... wow.

I still don't see where mom has earned the piling on she has received. Seems wholly unnecessary to me.

Regarding the term "BM", its use on other sites is primarily derogatory in my experience. While every other abbreviation is also used (DD, SD, GP, etc), "BM" tends to be "typed with a sneer", if that makes sense.

BM also means another thing to the pre-internet generation. Many, many times I've seen the dual reference made (to be blunt, that Mom is a piece of dung).

Even if that's not how the term is used, it's still generally meant in a deriding manner. Which parent is traditionally held to be inseparable from the child? The bond of a mother and child is the stuff of legend. To call Mom "the birth mother" is to lessen that relationship, to "pierce the veil" and place one's self above her. "She's just the birth mother; I'm the one who takes care of those kids," or even "I'm their real mother." We've all seen those cute little pictures that float around social media, that amount to "my kid's sperm donor made a baby, but my current lover is their real father." Those make me sick, and I view most uses of "BM" in the same light.

That said, I don't think a new OP should be shredded for their first use of the term. If my new puppy wets the carpet, I don't waste a bunch of time telling him how bad a puppy he is; I take steps to correct the behavior and move on. Screaming at him only results in a sad dog and another wet spot.

 

[forthekids217]

No, they are not. I specifically agree with the use of "we" when referring to buying them clothes, as that is shared money. I specifically disagree with the use of "we" when referring to "having them" (YOU don't have them, he does) and when referring to child support.

It's really not that big of a deal, but please refer to your post #44. And BTW, I accidentally highlighted one of the WE's that you didn't. Sorry about that. And during his parenting time, yes, WE have them. Since I care for them and cook, clean, fix boo-boos, helped them bathe when they were younger, hold them when they cry, tickle them and play with them and teach them to spell, read and do math, etc, I feel that I can understandably say WE. If I am running a daycare and I care for kids that are not biologically mine, I can still say "I" have them. Thank you for your input, however.

 

[single317dad]

It's really not that big of a deal, but please refer to your post #44. And BTW, I accidentally highlighted one of the WE's that you didn't. Sorry about that. And during his parenting time, yes, WE have them. Since I care for them and cook, clean, fix boo-boos, helped them bathe when they were younger, hold them when they cry, tickle them and play with them and teach them to spell, read and do math, etc, I feel that I can understandably say WE. If I am running a daycare and I care for kids that are not biologically mine, I can still say "I" have them. Thank you for your input, however.

The simple use of the word "we" is not the problem here. A word is just a word. I can say "Humbert Humbert" and it can mean different things depending on context and intent. The problem is the spirit behind the choice of words.

That you cook, clean, and fix boo-boos does not mean anything. Nothing at all. It gives you no standing, no rights, nothing. That you seem to insist that is does will eventually play out badly for the child's father if revealed in court.

Personally, I don't care one iota if you use the word "we", but the attitude you hold behind your words is problematic.

 

[forthekids217]

Regarding the term "BM", its use on other sites is primarily derogatory in my experience. While every other abbreviation is also used (DD, SD, GP, etc), "BM" tends to be "typed with a sneer", if that makes sense.

BM also means another thing to the pre-internet generation. Many, many times I've seen the dual reference made (to be blunt, that Mom is a piece of dung).

Even if that's not how the term is used, it's still generally meant in a deriding manner. Which parent is traditionally held to be inseparable from the child? The bond of a mother and child is the stuff of legend. To call Mom "the birth mother" is to lessen that relationship, to "pierce the veil" and place one's self above her. "She's just the birth mother; I'm the one who takes care of those kids," or even "I'm their real mother." We've all seen those cute little pictures that float around social media, that amount to "my kid's sperm donor made a baby, but my current lover is their real father." Those make me sick, and I view most uses of "BM" in the same light.

That said, I don't think a new OP should be shredded for their first use of the term. If my new puppy wets the carpet, I don't waste a bunch of time telling him how bad a puppy he is; I take steps to correct the behavior and move on. Screaming at him only results in a sad dog and another wet spot.

Please be assured that I did not mean anything at all by using BM for bioligical mom. I do not think I am these kids' mom, and I would never say anything to the effect that I am their "real" mother. I have just seen BM used on other sites and didn't realize it would offend anyone. I promise I will take the time to type mother from here on out.

 

[forthekids217]

The simple use of the word "we" is not the problem here. A word is just a word. I can say "Humbert Humbert" and it can mean different things depending on context and intent. The problem is the spirit behind the choice of words.

That you cook, clean, and fix boo-boos does not mean anything. Nothing at all. It gives you no standing, no rights, nothing. That you seem to insist that is does will eventually play out badly for the child's father if revealed in court.

Personally, I don't care one iota if you use the word "we", but the attitude you hold behind your words is problematic.

I was actually explaining my use of WE, not saying that those things give me any rights or anything. I have repeated over and over that I KNOW I don't have any legal rights here and I am only concerned about helping my husband research so that HE can proceed in the best way possible. I am possibly a bit bitter due to the events I have experienced personally from the mother throughout the last few years (name calling, threats, etc.), and maybe that is why my post was taken the way it was. I have never even spoken a mean word to the mother or even been rude to her in any way. I sent the kids home with roses for her on Mother's Day for God's sake. But yes, there is some anger there. THAT isn't my focus, however. My feelings are not important in this matter- the well being of two little kids is all that is important.

 

[mommyanme]

Please be assured that I did not mean anything at all by using BM for bioligical mom. I do not think I am these kids' mom, and I would never say anything to the effect that I am their "real" mother. I have just seen BM used on other sites and didn't realize it would offend anyone. I promise I will take the time to type mother from here on out.

Post # 26 OP

"well since she tried to have an abortion, i guess that would be fitting, BUT, in Kansas anyway, calling someone a biological mother refers to the fact that this mother has provided her uterus to give birth to a child. A MOM is a person who is there, physically, financially, and emotionally for a child to the point that she is recognized as a mother. I say this as MY 14 year old step son just informed me that he doesn't have a mom and a step mom, but he has two moms. ;-) and BTW- this other mom and I have no issues at all. Nor do my kids step mom and I.. So yeh- say it's ME.

This is a drug abusing, child abusing person who continues to threaten the welfare of our children"

You came off very derogatory towards these children's Mom. Funny how she's raised children who are now 18, 10, 7 and until now none of them have had a problem. So my question to you is...When did Mom file for state enforced child support?


With that said, let me give a little advice that isn't bashing,

If DAD has a problem with the living arrangements at MOM's, then DAD needs to use the state child support calculator and see what State ordered child support would be and DAD needs to pay that amount so MOM can afford better housing.

If MOM has been diagnosed in the past with mental issues and DAD didn't fight for full custody then, it is not an issue now as he already agreed and so did the courts apparently, that MOM is fit to parent THEIR children. How do you know the pills you've accused her of taking aren't her own meds that you say she needs. How did you know what she supposedly takes anyway?

Finally and the most important, tell DAD to sign up and that you are backing off because this is HIS issue not yours, you're just going to focus on 7 kids while he's busy with this mess.