DCF Investigation

[Zigner]

My Questions:

What are our options as far as obtaining custody and enforcing our parenting time with the kids without hiring an attorney (we have applied to legal aid and are concerned that we may not qualify)

Do you think that DCF would be required to investigate and drug test the BM given the info I provided?

What steps do you recommend that we take next?

Based on your further posting and clarification, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt...

1: Your husband can go to court to have his parenting time clarified and enforced by way of a contempt motion, if applicable.
2: DCF doesn't have to investigate or drug test the mom. Furthermore, you are not entitled to know the results of any investigation they do perform.
3: See answer #1.

 

[forthekids217]

Please point out the policy that states this.

And I didn't say there was a policy. I said "from what I have read"- my information came from other parents who had experienced a DCF investigation, parent's who were currently in a custody battle, and one person's claim that thier attorney told them that although it isn't a law, it is COMMONLY frowned upon. He was actually concerned because his own children shared a room. I also stated that perhaps that is why the DCF worker asked me that question. She specifically asked about their sleeping arrangements and I replied that since they just moved and I had not been inside their house or questioned the kids I did not know.

 

[Zigner]

The point is that there is no law against two siblings (of any age) sharing a bedroom together. There is nothing that Children's Services can do about it absent some other additional circumstances. There is nothing inherently neglectful or improper about siblings of any age or gender sharing a bedroom.

 

[Ladyback1]

You know? Because of my job, I have to use BM to stand for birth mother/bio mother. I also use BF for birth father/bio father.
I also use "FM" and "FF" or "FP" to identify foster mom/dad/parents.

I don't see anyone else's use of it as derogatory, necessarily.

What I do find rude and derogatory is the bashing OP has taken simply because she used "BM" and used "we".

While I understand that *some* stepparents overstep (and I and my children were the recipient of some stepmom oversteppage), not all stepparents overstep.
If a stepparent is any kind of human--then they genuinely love the children and want what's best for the children.

Why can't a stepparent's questions be answered, with a caveat included in the answer that the BIOLOGICAL parent is the one that has to pursue/follow through/whatever?

Yes, I know this is a legal site. And I know that a lot of senior posters are quick to remind other posters of that fact---all while making assumptions, judging someone's character and just in general tearing down a "third party" who dares to try and help a friend or family member.

If any poster wants to tout the "it's a legal advice forum" then stick to the legalities and don't call these third parties names, or run them over the coals.
Either ignore them completely. Or give LEGAL ADVICE...and don't take potshots at the poster.

 

[forthekids217]

Post # 26 OP

"well since she tried to have an abortion, i guess that would be fitting, BUT, in Kansas anyway, calling someone a biological mother refers to the fact that this mother has provided her uterus to give birth to a child. A MOM is a person who is there, physically, financially, and emotionally for a child to the point that she is recognized as a mother. I say this as MY 14 year old step son just informed me that he doesn't have a mom and a step mom, but he has two moms. ;-) and BTW- this other mom and I have no issues at all. Nor do my kids step mom and I.. So yeh- say it's ME.

This is a drug abusing, child abusing person who continues to threaten the welfare of our children"

You came off very derogatory towards these children's Mom. Funny how she's raised children who are now 18, 10, 7 and until now none of them have had a problem. So my question to you is...When did Mom file for state enforced child support?


With that said, let me give a little advice that isn't bashing,

If DAD has a problem with the living arrangements at MOM's, then DAD needs to use the state child support calculator and see what State ordered child support would be and DAD needs to pay that amount so MOM can afford better housing.

If MOM has been diagnosed in the past with mental issues and DAD didn't fight for full custody then, it is not an issue now as he already agreed and so did the courts apparently, that MOM is fit to parent THEIR children. How do you know the pills you've accused her of taking aren't her own meds that you say she needs. How did you know what she supposedly takes anyway?

Finally and the most important, tell DAD to sign up and that you are backing off because this is HIS issue not yours, you're just going to focus on 7 kids while he's busy with this mess.

Actually, MOM has not raised children who are 18, 10, and 7. It's a complicated story, but my husband has 2 older kids- an 18 year old and a 14 year old. During his relationship with MOM, the boys lived with he and MOM in their home. When she was on her OWN meds, she remained fairly stable. When he found out that she was using drugs that were not hers and using marijuana, he tried to get her to stop. He left her because of her usage. MOM has a 14 year old son from another father. He has severe behavior problems, violent outbursts, and is required to wear a weighted vest at school. Dad DID fight for custody, and won 50/50. At that time MOM was taking her meds and stable. 3 years ago, the & year old was left unattended at a public swimming pool while MOM laid out to sun bathe. She drown. MOM didn't even know she had fallen in. They were able to bring the 7 year old back (thank God) and she was hospitalized. DCF was called, (I'm not sure who reported it) but nothing came of it.

Mom has filed for state enforced shild support various times. Although she has never won a judgement, DAD pays. And the reason she lives like she does is because of her out of control spending habits, (a common trait of someone with bipolar) not because she doesn't have enough money. She does not work (which I would think would be good- I'm all for stay at home moms- but she doesn't care for the kids. Her boyfriend supports her, she recieves child support from her 14 year old's dad, and she recieves child support from DAD.

My husband has contacted attorneys in the last few years to inquire about gaining full custody, and he has been told he needs around $3,000 for a retainer. WE are not rich people. Between the child support HE pays, supporting our other children here, and trying to make ends meet without letting the kids go without, there isn't a lot left. We cannot take out a loan because we cannot afford to. That's why I came here on his behalf.

As I said in a previous post, MOM actually admitted to DAD that she was taking her friend's medications. That was the last time my husband inquired about getting custody.

And DAD is at work right now. HE asked me to research what I could for him. Although he is a wonderful man, he's not very good at researching things, and his attempts were getting him nowhere.

I hope I addressed your post in it's entirety- And yes, I did get a little out of hand with the quote you replied to above. I'm a little bit overwhelmed by the negative feedback I have received. I didn't mean to offend anyone or overstep- my intentions were to help, and I feel like I am truly being misjudged.

 

[Zigner]

Actually, MOM has not raised children who are 18, 10, and 7. It's a complicated story, but my husband has 2 older kids- an 18 year old and a 14 year old. During his relationship with MOM, the boys lived with he and MOM in their home. When she was on her OWN meds, she remained fairly stable. When he found out that she was using drugs that were not hers and using marijuana, he tried to get her to stop. He left her because of her usage. MOM has a 14 year old son from another father. He has severe behavior problems, violent outbursts, and is required to wear a weighted vest at school. Dad DID fight for custody, and won 50/50. At that time MOM was taking her meds and stable. 3 years ago, the & year old was left unattended at a public swimming pool while MOM laid out to sun bathe. She drown. MOM didn't even know she had fallen in. They were able to bring the 7 year old back (thank God) and she was hospitalized. DCF was called, (I'm not sure who reported it) but nothing came of it.

Mom has filed for state enforced shild support various times. Although she has never won a judgement, DAD pays. And the reason she lives like she does is because of her out of control spending habits, (a common trait of someone with bipolar) not because she doesn't have enough money. She does not work (which I would think would be good- I'm all for stay at home moms- but she doesn't care for the kids. Her boyfriend supports her, she recieves child support from her 14 year old's dad, and she recieves child support from DAD.

My husband has contacted attorneys in the last few years to inquire about gaining full custody, and he has been told he needs around $3,000 for a retainer. WE are not rich people. Between the child support HE pays, supporting our other children here, and trying to make ends meet without letting the kids go without, there isn't a lot left. We cannot take out a loan because we cannot afford to. That's why I came here on his behalf.

As I said in a previous post, MOM actually admitted to DAD that she was taking her friend's medications. That was the last time my husband inquired about getting custody.

And DAD is at work right now. HE asked me to research what I could for him. Although he is a wonderful man, he's not very good at researching things, and his attempts were getting him nowhere.

I hope I addressed your post in it's entirety- And yes, I did get a little out of hand with the quote you replied to above. I'm a little bit overwhelmed by the negative feedback I have received. I didn't mean to offend anyone or overstep- my intentions were to help, and I feel like I am truly being misjudged.

Out of all of this, dad still hasn't seen fit to seek full custody of his children?

 

[Just Blue]

Actually, MOM has not raised children who are 18, 10, and 7. It's a complicated story, but my husband has 2 older kids- an 18 year old and a 14 year old. During his relationship with MOM, the boys lived with he and MOM in their home. When she was on her OWN meds, she remained fairly stable. When he found out that she was using drugs that were not hers and using marijuana, he tried to get her to stop. He left her because of her usage. MOM has a 14 year old son from another father. He has severe behavior problems, violent outbursts, and is required to wear a weighted vest at school. Dad DID fight for custody, and won 50/50. At that time MOM was taking her meds and stable. 3 years ago, the & year old was left unattended at a public swimming pool while MOM laid out to sun bathe. She drown. MOM didn't even know she had fallen in. They were able to bring the 7 year old back (thank God) and she was hospitalized. DCF was called, (I'm not sure who reported it) but nothing came of it.

Mom has filed for state enforced shild support various times. Although she has never won a judgement, DAD pays. And the reason she lives like she does is because of her out of control spending habits, (a common trait of someone with bipolar) not because she doesn't have enough money. She does not work (which I would think would be good- I'm all for stay at home moms- but she doesn't care for the kids. Her boyfriend supports her, she recieves child support from her 14 year old's dad, and she recieves child support from DAD.

My husband has contacted attorneys in the last few years to inquire about gaining full custody, and he has been told he needs around $3,000 for a retainer. WE are not rich people. Between the child support HE pays, supporting our other children here, and trying to make ends meet without letting the kids go without, there isn't a lot left. We cannot take out a loan because we cannot afford to. That's why I came here on his behalf.

As I said in a previous post, MOM actually admitted to DAD that she was taking her friend's medications. That was the last time my husband inquired about getting custody.

And DAD is at work right now. HE asked me to research what I could for him. Although he is a wonderful man, he's not very good at researching things, and his attempts were getting him nowhere.

I hope I addressed your post in it's entirety- And yes, I did get a little out of hand with the quote you replied to above. I'm a little bit overwhelmed by the negative feedback I have received. I didn't mean to offend anyone or overstep- my intentions were to help, and I feel like I am truly being misjudged.

Tell Dad we are open 24/7 and he can feel free to educate himself when he gets home from work.

 

[forthekids217]

Out of all of this, dad still hasn't seen fit to seek full custody of his children?

You must have missed that part of my post.

My husband has contacted attorneys in the last few years to inquire about gaining full custody, and he has been told he needs around $3,000 for a retainer. WE are not rich people. Between the child support HE pays, supporting our other children here, and trying to make ends meet without letting the kids go without, there isn't a lot left. We cannot take out a loan because we cannot afford to. That's why I came here on his behalf.

 

[Ladyback1]

Tell Dad we are open 24/7 and he can feel free to educate himself when he gets home from work.

Seriously? Why would Dad come here, after his wife has been treated badly/not so nice?

This board may have started out with the intent of helping people, but to some extent it has devolved into just another forum/bulletin board for some of the senior posters.

whatever happened to "if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all"

Legal advice does not include calling someone "bed buddy" (that is worse than bio-mom or BM) or saying a poster deserves a slap upside the head.

 

[forthekids217]

Tell Dad we are open 24/7 and he can feel free to educate himself when he gets home from work.

I'm sorry- I didn't see where it said I couldn't ask a few questions on his behalf. And as I said before, he was having trouble so he asked me to do it.

 

[Just Blue]

I'm sorry- I didn't see where it said I couldn't ask a few questions on his behalf. And as I said before, he was having trouble so he asked me to do it.

Please read the "sticky" that is at the top of the Custody forum. This was written by OhioGal and Admin posted it as a guide for new poster in Child Custody.

https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/newbies-please-read-before-posting-387214.html

 

[forthekids217]

Please read the "sticky" that is at the top of the Custody forum. This was written by OhioGal and Admin posted it as a guide for new poster in Child Custody.

https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/newbies-please-read-before-posting-387214.html

Once again, I apologize. In my haste to seek advice for my husband, I did not see the part about not using BM or WE. I will refrain from using either term, unless of course if WE applies correctly. HOWEVER, please understand that my whole intent was to explain the situation thoroughly and seek advice for my husband. Although I do not have the legal ability to file for full custody and I understand that I do not have legal rights in this matter, I truly care about the welfare of these kids. I typed abbreviations and used the word WE when I should have said HE, OUR in a few places where HIS or MINE would have been more appropriate. But I think perhaps those mistakes could possibly be forgiven so that the actual issue at hand could be addressed.

While I could have done without the bashing, name calling and harsh judgement, I DO appreciate the information and helpful advice that I have received here, and I will pass the information on to my husband, print out the appropriate forms for him, and hope that things work out in the best interest of these kids.

 

[Just Blue]

Once again, I apologize. In my haste to seek advice for my husband, I did not see the part about not using BM or WE. I will refrain from using either term, unless of course if WE applies correctly. HOWEVER, please understand that my whole intent was to explain the situation thoroughly and seek advice for my husband. Although I do not have the legal ability to file for full custody and I understand that I do not have legal rights in this matter, I truly care about the welfare of these kids. I typed abbreviations and used the word WE when I should have said HE, OUR in a few places where HIS or MINE would have been more appropriate. But I think perhaps those mistakes could possibly be forgiven so that the actual issue at hand could be addressed.

While I could have done without the bashing, name calling and harsh judgement, I DO appreciate the information and helpful advice that I have received here, and I will pass the information on to my husband, print out the appropriate forms for him, and hope that things work out in the best interest of these kids.

There is a thing called "forum etiquette" that one should follow. You were made aware very early in this thread about it.

Good luck to your husband and his children and I hope it works out well for them and the children mother.

Blue

 

[forthekids217]

You had stated something to the effect that dad had not seen fit to seek full custody. He has. He has contacted attorneys, law enforcement, and spent hours and hours reading. I told him about the forms available on the Kansas Legal Services website, and so far that seems to be his best option at this point. He asked me if I had talked to anyone who had used similar forms or been through something similar without being able to afford legal representation. He just doesn't know where else to turn.

I'm sure you would agree that when it comes to the love for his children and the desire to be certain that they are safe, he should search for the best possible solution and use the assistance of anyone who might be able to help. Please keep in mind that he was trying to conduct his own research as well, he was just having trouble. Although I am the one who typed the original post, he was sitting right beside me. If you have suggestions for him that would be more effective than what he has already tried, he would greatly appreciate it. Again, he asked me to research possible solutions, and my search brought me to this site. He sat beside me as I created the account. Maybe it would have been a better option for him to create the account and type everything himself- I guess neither of us thought that there would be an issue with me asking the questions. Perhaps I should have been more careful about my terminology as I stated "we"- and I apologize for that. Like I said before, both of us use "we" when referring to our lives and the happenings in our lives, and it just came natural for me to type things out that way.

 

[forthekids217]

My husband just sent me a text with another question, BTW. I don't mean to offend anyone by asking on his behalf. The children's mother lives with her boyfriend. My husband has recieved threatening voicemails and texts from him, as well as more threats that he will never see the kids again. These have been reported. Although the boyfriend is not recognized legally as a parent any more than I am, he does reside with the children and is a major caregiver. Is his behavior something that is likely to be considered in a custody battle to help establish the home environment and influences that affect the children? Or should this information be left out in order to not appear that hubby is simply nit-picking? As far as my husband and I know he has never directed his hostility toward the kids, but has displayed this behavior in their presence.