Ex and new hubby trying to get kids to call him DAD!

[AmIUnreasonable]

What is the name of your state? Nevada

Is it wrong to say something when my girls tell me that mom and her new hubby are trying to get them to call him dad and me dadddy???? Keep in mind that we have 50/50 custody and I am very involved with my kids. I have them Mon-thursdays.

 

[stealth2]

How old are the kids? Have they told you how they feel about it? Have you talked to your ex about it?

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

The girls are 5 and 7. I explained to my daughters that while I feel Jeff is a great guy and I am glad he is so nice to them, that being called dad is a special title for someone. There was more to it but yes, i did explain my feelings to them.

I havent talked to my ex yet. She is out of town right now and wont be back to get the girls until next thursday. I was basically going to say that the girls should not feel this kind of pressure. It puts them in the middle. That they have one mom and one dad forever and that is how it should be.

What do you think?

 

[stealth2]

Oh, I agree with you completely. When my ex remarried, there was a lot of pressure on the kids to call their stepmom "Mom". Mine were a bit ilder, and they made it plain on their own that it wasn't happening - they have a Mom who is actively involved (I'm the CP) and that's where the name belongs. Their stepsibs call my ex "Dad" even though their father is very involved in their lives (and it's something that my kids hate, that they call my ex "Dad"); my ex calls him their "ex father".

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

It just breaks my heart to see the girls used as pawns like this. She is only pushing this cause she knows it will hurt me. How do you handle this???

 

[blameshifting]

It just breaks my heart to see the girls used as pawns like this. She is only pushing this cause she knows it will hurt me. How do you handle this???

What you do is get over it and stop worrying what your kids are calling someone else. You need a therapist not an attorney.

 

[Reyna7]

Names

When I got married to my husband 7 years ago his children asked "what do we call you now". I told them what ever they were comfortable with. If they wanted to call me by my first name like they had been doing or make up a special name, whatever they wanted. At first they called me by my name and then started calling me Mommy. They call their BM Mom. She abuses them both mentally and physically. I never told them not to call me Mom and may not have given birth to them, but I am more of a mother to them than she will ever be. Anyone can make a baby, but not everyone deserves the title of Mommy or Daddy.

In this case, you seem like Dad that is very much involved and Mom is trying to push some buttons just to hurt you and that is sad.

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

What you do is get over it and stop worrying what your kids are calling someone else. You need a therapist not an attorney.

A little harsh dont you think?

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

In this case, you seem like Dad that is very much involved and Mom is trying to push some buttons just to hurt you and that is sad.

It is sad. I do thank you for imput. I asked my girls what they wanted to do and they said they just wanted to call him Jeff. Its just sad that they KEEP on asking the girls to change.

 

[blameshifting]

A little harsh dont you think?

It's reality. Get over it, contact a therapist if you can't do it on your own.

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

It's reality. Get over it, contact a therapist if you can't do it on your own.

While I know that people are allowed to express opinions, I am a little confused as to why you are being so antagonistic? I can understand why you are saying "get over it" Maybe you could have worded it, "get used to it" but to say I needed a therapist??? That was not only out of line but just a case of simply wanting to be hurtful. Yes, I am sad that my ex is trying to use the kids to hurt me. Anyone in my shoes would be. Do I need therapy to "get over it", highly doubtful.

I am not looking to fight. I am only trying to find out others thoughts. I was asking if it would be wrong to talk to my ex about it. Please blameshifting, lets not fight about this. I obviously rubbed you wrong somehow and for that I guess? I am sorry. I am just here looking for advice.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

It sounds like the same song different verse from almost 2 weeks ago involving your ex's new husband taking on the role of step-father remember you didn't want him to transport the children, you wanted to do it. Yet you say you are happy for her and for your children that he is good to them. You said, "I am very lucky to have a new husband/step-father for the girls who treat them so nice. "

So you acknowledge he has taken on the role of, step-father, you are still their father and their "Daddy" and that will never change. The role of step-father, is different yet one does not normally call their step-father, "step-father" but what can they call him that won't hurt your feelings? There are any number of names that can be used, you are still their father and their "Daddy" they are not changing that. "Dad is distinctively different, would you object to "Pop"? Children will pretty much do as they want and even make up names that they use on their own, especially once they get older.

When I got married, I called my in-laws Mom and Dad, out of respect, not because of how they treated me or how I felt about them, I also hugged them as a matter of routine as that was their manner of leavetaking not because it was mine, at least I was short enough that I wasn't forced to kiss them good-bye as well.

My grand daughter made up her own names for people, as an infant my son was her primary cargiver because her mother was deployed for 6 months when she was 6 months old, her DADDY was the one and only in her eyes, other men were called daddy same word different inflection and different level of trust and she knew they were different than Mommies because she didn't have any other words. One day she even called me DADDY what an honor! She also, had 3 grandmothers with the same first name, both maternal and paternal grand mothers and a great grand mother all had the first name, what to do? At first the parents decided different names, I became without any say so, "Nana Bear" a few years later, she decided one day to start calling me, "Grannie" I prefered Nana Bear to Grannie, but I said nothing, she now calls me Grandma.

Your children will eventually do what feels comfortable, think of it as a showing of respect rather than something to take away from your role, you will always be their father and if they are fortunate to have a good relationship with their step-father then they are twice blessed.

 

[blameshifting]

While I know that people are allowed to express opinions, I am a little confused as to why you are being so antagonistic? I can understand why you are saying "get over it" Maybe you could have worded it, "get used to it" but to say I needed a therapist??? That was not only out of line but just a case of simply wanting to be hurtful. Yes, I am sad that my ex is trying to use the kids to hurt me. Anyone in my shoes would be. Do I need therapy to "get over it", highly doubtful.

I am not looking to fight. I am only trying to find out others thoughts. I was asking if it would be wrong to talk to my ex about it. Please blameshifting, lets not fight about this. I obviously rubbed you wrong somehow and for that I guess? I am sorry. I am just here looking for advice.

I'm being blunt, not antagonistic. It's your opinion that your ex is using your kids to hurt you, talk that out with a therapist. It's my opinion that your ex finds it more comfortable if the kids refer to their new step-father as "dad", that's a perfectly acceptable name to use and you need to talk with someone, a therapist perhaps, as to why you end up feeling badly.

No, you are wrong to say that anyone in your shoes would also be hurt.

Frankly, from my point of view, it's you that is attempting to drag the kids into the middle of things. If your kids were confused about their new step-father's preferred name then you should have set them down, explained that you are still their dad and it's OK to call the step-father dad also and how great it is to have two dad's that love them. And so on and so forth.

The kids would have been relieved and comforted.

Instead you are dragging your kids into the battle and making them feel "sad" by your own "sad" feelings.

Get over it and if you can't, find a therapist. Finding a therapist to talk things out with is not a bad thing, it's a good thing. You don't need legal help you need some help overcoming the feelings that you have about the situation.

 

[snodderly]

This is not meant to be harsh. I just want to point out something that you are failing to see. If you don't want your girls to feel pressure and as if they are being put in the middle then you need to step back and stop reacting every time your wife tries to do just that.


I explained to my daughters that while I feel Jeff is a great guy and I am glad he is so nice to them, that being called dad is a special title for someone. There was more to it but yes, i did explain my feelings to them.

They are getting pressure from mom to call him dad and from you to not call him dad. You are playing just as big a role as your ex wife when it comes to putting pressure on your girls. You may not have started the problem but your actions are continuing it.

The thought of my children calling someone other than me MOM turns my stomach. It would not be pleasant. My feelings are not the important issue though. It's the feelings of our children that are in consideration and no matter how unfair we think the other parent is, it is just as abusive toward our children if we choose to engage in the antics.

You need to tell you girls that they can call him anything they want. They need to know that no matter what they call him or how much love they feel for him that YOU will not be upset with them. Whether you know it or not, children can carry a huge burden when it comes to their parent's feelings.

Don't make your feelings your children's responsibility.
snodderly

 

[stealth2]

Sorry, but OP is not in the wrong here. Mom should be looking for some non-controversial name for the kids to call her new husband. He's not their Dad. If OP wasn't involved in their lives, then it would be a different story. But Dad and Daddy are too close to be used for different people. Dad/Daddy and Pop or Pops or Pappa - that's fine. If Dad is uncomfortable with his step-husband being called Dad - he should not have to deal with it.