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Ex and new hubby trying to get kids to call him DAD!
- Thread starter AmIUnreasonable
- Start date
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fuall
Guest
Oh please, you are the one who needs to get to a therapist ASAP!blameshifting said:
So what you are sayig is that it is ok to tell the children to call their step-father "dad" when there dad is there 50/50, and is VERY involved in their lives.
Oh yeah, lets not forget that maybe this could happen....
They finally (after beibg persuaded, not on there own) get used to calling ste-father "dad" and then mom and step-"dad" divorce. Then who the hell would need the therapist??
F
fuall
Guest
AmIUnreasonable said:
By the way........................
NO...........I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.....I think you are handling it just right.
You are not being unreasonable, your feelings are understandable BUT it is your ex wife you should discuss the issue with, not your girls.
Your ex wife sounds like in insensitive idiot. Insensitive idiots usually get off on causing conflict. The best way to deal with an insensitive idiot is to make your feelings known, stand up for your position and don't engage in the bull$hit.
By discussing it with the girls you are engaging in the bull$hit and being as insensitive as she is in regard to their feelings.
Go to your ex wife, leave your girls out of it!
snodderly
Your ex wife sounds like in insensitive idiot. Insensitive idiots usually get off on causing conflict. The best way to deal with an insensitive idiot is to make your feelings known, stand up for your position and don't engage in the bull$hit.
By discussing it with the girls you are engaging in the bull$hit and being as insensitive as she is in regard to their feelings.
Go to your ex wife, leave your girls out of it!
snodderly
AmIUnreasonable
Member
The girls came to ME and said that they didnt like that mom and new hubby keep on asking them to call him dad. I asked them what they wanted and they said they didnt want too. Since they are my kids, I felt I had the right to explain to them how special the title mom or the title dad is..........I wont let anyone tell me I didnt have that right.
I want to thank everyone for the input, everyone except the one person who said I needed therapy. That was rude and hurtful.
BTW, I will be talking to my ex about this!
I want to thank everyone for the input, everyone except the one person who said I needed therapy. That was rude and hurtful.
BTW, I will be talking to my ex about this!
J
Jarenblue
Guest
Let the kids make up their own mind.
I have to say that I also think you should have just left it alone. The kids would have just called him what ever they felt comfortable with if you would have just left well enough alone. I have two step-kids (11 & 13) who have been primarily with me for 7 years and they call me by my first name but I have had their little brother (8) for only 2 months and he calls me mom, so it really depends on the child but it should be left up to them. My SS asked me one day if he could call me "step-mom" and I told him he could call me whatever he wanted too and now he calls me MOM. I would never tell them my opinion on the matter unless it directly affected their well being.
I have to say that I also think you should have just left it alone. The kids would have just called him what ever they felt comfortable with if you would have just left well enough alone. I have two step-kids (11 & 13) who have been primarily with me for 7 years and they call me by my first name but I have had their little brother (8) for only 2 months and he calls me mom, so it really depends on the child but it should be left up to them. My SS asked me one day if he could call me "step-mom" and I told him he could call me whatever he wanted too and now he calls me MOM. I would never tell them my opinion on the matter unless it directly affected their well being.
Letting Kids Decide
It is true, you really need to just let the kids do what they feel comfy with. Have a talk with your ex, tell her to drop it. Both of you tell the kids you love them and that they can call the step parent what they want. I betcha they call him by his first name. You are right mom and dad are titles that are given when a person deserves them. Maybe someday they may want to call step dad "dad", but not if forced to. Remember, they love you and you will always be their daddy and no one can take that away, no matter what they are called.
It is true, you really need to just let the kids do what they feel comfy with. Have a talk with your ex, tell her to drop it. Both of you tell the kids you love them and that they can call the step parent what they want. I betcha they call him by his first name. You are right mom and dad are titles that are given when a person deserves them. Maybe someday they may want to call step dad "dad", but not if forced to. Remember, they love you and you will always be their daddy and no one can take that away, no matter what they are called.
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blameshifting
Guest
fuall said:
Absolutely, that's what I'm saying, get over having someone else being referred to with a term like 'Dad'. What petty things divorced people have fits about.
Maybe that's why they end up divorced, petty, stupid stuff.
tigger22472
Senior Member
Ok.. I'm going to add my 2 cents in here
I agree that this should be kept between the parents for one. If dad has a problem with the kids calling their step-dad 'dad' then that's an issue to talk with mom about although it's good to see what the kids think without expressing opinion about it.
I also agree though that it's petty. My 8 year old step-daughter, (who I've known for over 4 years) asked this past Thanksgiving if she could call me Mom. Her mother also has 50/50 care and is a good mom to her(most of the time if she herself could leave the petty stuff alone). This issue was NEVER pushed onto my sd EVER, she is the one who came to DH and myself about it. HOWEVER, we had to tell her NO she couldn't because Mom expressed a long time ago that she would have a MAJOR problem with it. I even expressed to her at the time that I myself wouldn't have a problem if my ex found someone and my kids called her mom. That meant to me that the person was good to my kids and my kids liked her. My DH calls both his step-parents 'Mom' and 'Dad' and except for the confusion of which one he's speaking of there are no problems. Both parents accept that they all raised him. I don't agree with pushing a child to do so but leaving it up to the kids. When my 10 year old was 7 he asked to call my DH 'Dad'. We asked him why he wanted to and his answer was 'Because he loves me and takes care of me like Dad's do". For a while he called DH 'Dad' and his bio "Daddy". Bio told him it was unacceptable to him so my son just did it behind bio's back because that's what HE wanted.
I agree that this should be kept between the parents for one. If dad has a problem with the kids calling their step-dad 'dad' then that's an issue to talk with mom about although it's good to see what the kids think without expressing opinion about it.
I also agree though that it's petty. My 8 year old step-daughter, (who I've known for over 4 years) asked this past Thanksgiving if she could call me Mom. Her mother also has 50/50 care and is a good mom to her(most of the time if she herself could leave the petty stuff alone). This issue was NEVER pushed onto my sd EVER, she is the one who came to DH and myself about it. HOWEVER, we had to tell her NO she couldn't because Mom expressed a long time ago that she would have a MAJOR problem with it. I even expressed to her at the time that I myself wouldn't have a problem if my ex found someone and my kids called her mom. That meant to me that the person was good to my kids and my kids liked her. My DH calls both his step-parents 'Mom' and 'Dad' and except for the confusion of which one he's speaking of there are no problems. Both parents accept that they all raised him. I don't agree with pushing a child to do so but leaving it up to the kids. When my 10 year old was 7 he asked to call my DH 'Dad'. We asked him why he wanted to and his answer was 'Because he loves me and takes care of me like Dad's do". For a while he called DH 'Dad' and his bio "Daddy". Bio told him it was unacceptable to him so my son just did it behind bio's back because that's what HE wanted.
AmIUnreasonable
Member
Wait a second, I post asking
My kids told me they feel uncomfortable with this! I am doing what a father should do. I have every right to explain to them my feelings on the idea of parenting. As one poster has said, what if mom and step dad divorce? After all, it is her 5th marriage!
and for this I am petty??? Did I start a fight with her? Did I threaten legal action? Have I even said I have spoken to her about this yet? (which I will!)
My kids told me they feel uncomfortable with this! I am doing what a father should do. I have every right to explain to them my feelings on the idea of parenting. As one poster has said, what if mom and step dad divorce? After all, it is her 5th marriage!
AmIUnreasonable
Member
Oh and when I mean talk to her about it, I will say:
Please stop asking the kids to do this.
And that is it. No threatening, no yelling. Just a nice please. Why is that wrong or petty????
Please stop asking the kids to do this.
And that is it. No threatening, no yelling. Just a nice please. Why is that wrong or petty????
My kids told me they feel uncomfortable with this! I am doing what a father should do. I have every right to explain to them my feelings on the idea of parenting. As one poster has said, what if mom and step dad divorce? After all, it is her 5th marriage!
It's a matter of opinion!! In my opinion you are failing to understand what people are saying to you. You are not doing what a father should do. A father should tell his daughters not to worry about it and that he will talk to their mother.
When you sat your girls down and explain to them you feelings on the matter adn your idea of parenting you dump the responsibility to make sure your feelings were soothed off onto them. They are YOUNG for God's sake. They do not rationalize and intellectualize the way you do as an adult.
They hear mom saying call him dad and then they hear daddy saying don't call him dad cause I don't think it is right. You end up with 2 little girls in the middle of two adults and both adults telling them 2 different things. Why can't you understand the position that puts your daughters in?
They now have 2 choices. They can call him dad and make mom happy but daddy sad or they can not call him dad and make mom unhappy but daddy happy. You have taken away their choice to do what would make them comfortable without having to worry about the 2 adults in their lives who are supposed to be putting the children's feelings first. You have put them in a position of having to worry about things little girls should not have to worry about.
Your responded to your exwife's idiocy by talking to your little girls about your ideas on parenting. Yep, you have every right to do that. What is more important though, exercising your right as a parent or taking into consideration what those talks do to the emotions of your children?
You and your exwife engage in power struggles. She could probably care less what they call their step father probably. Her motive in it all is to get to you. What do you do? You let her get to you!! When she gets to you your daughters end up in the middle. It's simple!! It's about learning that your rights as a father to talk to your daughters about your feelings doesn't mean squat if it is going to do damage to them.
I don't care if you scream at your ex wife. You can be nice to her or go toe to toe with her. How ever you do it, you need to learn to do it without putting a burden off on your daughters that is not theirs to have to deal with.
Your wife seems unconcerned for them....you need to learn to take up the slack and stop reacting to her.
snodderly
It's a matter of opinion!! In my opinion you are failing to understand what people are saying to you. You are not doing what a father should do. A father should tell his daughters not to worry about it and that he will talk to their mother.
When you sat your girls down and explain to them you feelings on the matter adn your idea of parenting you dump the responsibility to make sure your feelings were soothed off onto them. They are YOUNG for God's sake. They do not rationalize and intellectualize the way you do as an adult.
They hear mom saying call him dad and then they hear daddy saying don't call him dad cause I don't think it is right. You end up with 2 little girls in the middle of two adults and both adults telling them 2 different things. Why can't you understand the position that puts your daughters in?
They now have 2 choices. They can call him dad and make mom happy but daddy sad or they can not call him dad and make mom unhappy but daddy happy. You have taken away their choice to do what would make them comfortable without having to worry about the 2 adults in their lives who are supposed to be putting the children's feelings first. You have put them in a position of having to worry about things little girls should not have to worry about.
Your responded to your exwife's idiocy by talking to your little girls about your ideas on parenting. Yep, you have every right to do that. What is more important though, exercising your right as a parent or taking into consideration what those talks do to the emotions of your children?
You and your exwife engage in power struggles. She could probably care less what they call their step father probably. Her motive in it all is to get to you. What do you do? You let her get to you!! When she gets to you your daughters end up in the middle. It's simple!! It's about learning that your rights as a father to talk to your daughters about your feelings doesn't mean squat if it is going to do damage to them.
I don't care if you scream at your ex wife. You can be nice to her or go toe to toe with her. How ever you do it, you need to learn to do it without putting a burden off on your daughters that is not theirs to have to deal with.
Your wife seems unconcerned for them....you need to learn to take up the slack and stop reacting to her.
snodderly
B
blameshifting
Guest
Your request is petty and displays insecurity. You've already sat down with your kids and basically reinforced their fears/attitudes towards the naming convention at your ex's house. This is such a petty BS thing, let it go and simply stop getting in a lather over your kids calling someone else Dad.AmIUnreasonable said:
It's also petty to be talking about your ex being on her 5th husband considering you were #4 and didn't see a problem with that.
Go find a therapist to talk all this out with, you have no legal questions.
AmIUnreasonable
Member
Arent parents supposed to teach children??? By saying, "Ill talk to mom" wont that leave them thinking, "oh oh mom and dad are going to fight!"
What is SO wrong with saying to a child, having the title of a mom and dad is so very special. Having two beautiful children is a wonderful thing.
Never in a million years would I have said, "under no circumstances will you call him dad, Period!"
They were asked how they felt about it. They expressed it bothered them. Yes they are little but they deserve to be asked what they want right???
My question is being missed. I never once told the girls NO. I was asking how to approach mom about the girls feeling uncomfortable. I always want my girls to be able to tell me when they feel uncomfortable with something. It is something my girls came to me about. Obviously they needed to talk about it. I have never bad mouthed mom infront of them nor will i ever do that.
What is SO wrong with saying to a child, having the title of a mom and dad is so very special. Having two beautiful children is a wonderful thing.
Never in a million years would I have said, "under no circumstances will you call him dad, Period!"
They were asked how they felt about it. They expressed it bothered them. Yes they are little but they deserve to be asked what they want right???
My question is being missed. I never once told the girls NO. I was asking how to approach mom about the girls feeling uncomfortable. I always want my girls to be able to tell me when they feel uncomfortable with something. It is something my girls came to me about. Obviously they needed to talk about it. I have never bad mouthed mom infront of them nor will i ever do that.
AmIUnreasonable
Member
Actually, I was told I was number 2 but recently found out I wasnt. If you really must know!
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