Ex and new hubby trying to get kids to call him DAD!

[kidoday]

My opinion is if your children come to you with a concern you talk it over with them. If the children do not want to call the step father Dad, then as a parent you have the right to discuss it with them to help them make the choice that is best for them. Telling them that you will discuss it with the other parent and not them could diminish their trust in you as a parent.

When a child brings their concerns to you and you ignore them, then you are being unreasonable.

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

My opinion is if your children come to you with a concern you talk it over with them. If the children do not want to call the step father Dad then, as a parent you have the right to discuss it with them to help them make the choice that is best for them. Telling them that you will discuss it with the other parent and not them could diminish their trust in you as a parent.

When a child brings their concerns to you and you ignore them, then you are being unreasonable.

This is the same thing I have been saying!!!! Thank YOU!

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

Thank you kidoday!

 

[snodderly]

If only we lived in a perfect world!! When you talk to girls under the age of 7 and tell them that daddy does not want them to call their stepfather dad then you are not discussing the issue with them in a way that gives them the freedom to make a choice that is best for them. They may end up making a choice that YOU think is best for them but, in no way have you left them free to make their own choice.

If you want your child to make the choice that is best for them in a situation like this then you don't get into YOUR FEELINGS about it. Especially if YOUR FEELINGS are going to impact the choice they make.

We aren't talking about whether these girls should have sex of smoke dope. This is not your normal intact, healthy family. Everyone is not working together with the best interest of the children in mind here.

The game here is power struggles. Starting them and engaging in them. It would be so simple if this was about a choice....just a simple choice. It isn't though. It's about make 2 little girls responsible for how their parents are going to feel about the choices they make.

You should have simply said to your girls, "don't worry about it, you call him whatever makes you feel good and I will talk to mom and tell her you are upset." Then and only then do you teach them that you are a parent they can trust. You have shown consideration for the feelings they are having, you have taken away the need for them to feel bad about whatever they do and you have said to them that you will stand up for them.

They can then go to their room and play with their dolls knowing they don't have to call him dad and that the daddy they have will tell their mother to not force them to. It's simple!!!
snodderly

 

[kidoday]

If only we lived in a perfect world!! When you talk to girls under the age of 7 and tell them that daddy does not want them to call their stepfather dad then you are not discussing the issue with them in a way that gives them the freedom to make a choice that is best for them. They may end up making a choice that YOU think is best for them but, in no way have you left them free to make their own choice.

How do you know that someone doesn't have the ability to discuss things with a child under the age of 7 that makes them make the right decision on their own?

We aren't talking about whether these girls should have sex of smoke dope. This is not your normal intact, healthy family. Everyone is not working together with the best interest of the children in mind here.

What? Who talked about sex and smoking dope? What is this about?

They can then go to their room and play with their dolls knowing they don't have to call him dad and that the daddy they have will tell their mother to not force them to. It's simple!!!

Who says they want to play with dolls and aren't still upset that they don't want to call Jeff Dad or Daddy or anything like that?

I know just brush them off into another room so you can appease them. I guess that is the best answer huh?

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

I completely agree kidoday.

My girls are interested in what I have to say. I have told them I will NEVER lie to them. I have always been honest with them without downing mom. Kids deserve that respect!

 

[kidoday]

Never ever talk bad about the other parent. That is definately a must.

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

I dont! Infact I have told the girls that even if mommy and daddy fight, it has nothing to do with them. I have told them that no matter what, even if we dont get along, if mommy needed me in an emergency, I would help.

 

[snodderly]

How do you know that someone doesn't have the ability to discuss things with a child under the age of 7 that makes them make the right decision on their own?

Where did I say that someone does not have the ability to discuss issues with a child that age? I am talking about this particular issue. You are making blanket statements because you are no longer able to defend your beliefs on the issue that is being discussed. This issue, not every issue, not all issues, but this issue. Get it?



We aren't talking about whether these girls should have sex of smoke dope. This is not your normal intact, healthy family. Everyone is not working together with the best interest of the children in mind here.


What? Who talked about sex and smoking dope? What is this about?

Sex, drugs....examples of other issues a parent might talk to their child about. Issues it's safe to express your feelings about, issues where you hope your feelings will keep the child from making the wrong choice. These are examples of issues where it is safe to say, "daddy doesn't want you to do that." You can make that statement in those issues without having to worry about putting a burden on your children. I'm not real sure what was so confusing by that, unless of course I failed to explain it on your level.

Who says they want to play with dolls and aren't still upset that they don't want to call Jeff Dad or Daddy or anything like that?

Hell, they can play with toy trucks for all I care as long as they are able to play without having to worry about their choices hurting their parents. If Dad has told them not to worry he will talk to mom then those little girls aren't going to go do whatever it is they will do and, at the same time, ring their hands over the issue. Daddy will have simply and easily taken care of the issue by telling them not to worry about it. Sometimes that is all a child has to hear or needs to hear.....daddy will take care of it. It is not written in the parenting manuals that every issue should be discussed with a child. It's common sense to know that some things are better left unsaid for the sake of protecting the child's feelings.

These girls were already feeling bad enough about having to call their stepfather dad. After daddy's discussion with them they then have to worry about hurting daddy if they have to call the stepfather dad. Don't you get?!?! If this man is so concerned for his children and doing what a father should do then his main concern should be to say to his children the thing that is going to relieve their stress, not ad to it. He did not make it their choice by discussing his feelings with them. He took their choices away from them!! He put his feelings off onto them to worry about on top of what their mother has already been doing to them.

I know just brush them off into another room so you can appease them. I guess that is the best answer huh?

When you are intelligent enough and insightful enough to look in the faces of two worried little girls and think to yourself, I need to tell them something that will stop them from worrying, not something that will only give them something else to worry about you are not dismissing that child.

You are dismissing that child, their feelings and thier wellbeing when you dump your feelings off onto them. It's one thing to discuss an issue with a child. It's another to discuss that issue with them when you motives are not pure. His discussion with them about his "idea" of parenting was motivated by the pain he felt over them calling another man dad. It's reasonable for him to have those feelings.

What is not reasonable is for him to use his feelings to try and keep his little girls from calling the other man dad. That is what was done here to these little girls. It is not about being able to discuss issues with his children or develop trust with them or be there for them. It's not about never lying to his children and making himself feel good cause he is such an upstanding father.

This man had this discussion with his two little girls because the idea of them calling someone else dad hurt him and he didn't want it to happen. He was going to say whatever he had to say to them to keep them from ever wanting to call their stepfather dad. His motivation was not to be honest with his children but to emotionally blackmail them into doing what would make his feelings feel better and to hell with how his little discussion with them on his ideas of parenting made them feel.

I am a psychologist. I deal with children of divorce on a regular basis. If this man wants his children to know his ideas on parenting all he has to do is live those ideas. Show them in his actions!!

When he had that little talk with his girls was when they were dismissed. Keeping it short and sweet, telling them not to worry he will talk to mom and sending them out to play and think about things children their age should think about would have been the only loving thing he could have done.

Some people just don't get it. Some people don't want to get it because they are too concerned about being right and that is why I see so many damaged children. Because parents are more concerned with their own feelings and shoving those feelings down the throats of innocent children. Like I've already said....it's simple!
snodderly

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

I am a psychologist. I deal with children of divorce on a regular basis.

Oh then by all means you must be right!

 

[rmet4nzkx]

As I said before, same song different verse. A little louder, a little worse!

We only get one side of the story, your side, all made to look like you are the wronged party, a victim and you are trying so hard to be reasonable. Please!

How did this weeks triad get started? Did you ask the girls what they call their Step-father? Did one of them slip up when referring to Jeff by calling him DAD?

I seriously doubt that they came to you complaining about having to call him DAD. We don't really know what went on at the other house, or what is really being said.

Let's see, wasn't there an issue of the mother wanting to have the girls 2 days early so she could take them to visit their family in California and you were looking for affirmation here, a reason to tell her no, beause you could by the court order because she didn't do something else you wanted to do? Even though this denied your girls the healthy opportunity to interact with their extended family. You were thinking only of your wants and needs, in this case, a power struggle. If you were thinking of their happiness, you would have agreed and not made a fuss about this, but no, you wanted to put the gilrs in the middle of your petty squabbles.

Probably the Dad issue started out innocently enough, something very similar to what the other step-parents describe how their step children came upon a name that was comfortable for them. Or have the girls learned how to press your buttons?

You got mad at the poster that pointed out that this issue might better be discussed with a therapist, that was an excellent suggestion. I whole heartedly concurr, however, I didn't suggest it because it is clear you do not want to be reasonable, you want to fight and be controlling and even if a court order forced you to go to therapy, you wouldn't be open to any ideas other than your own thoughts. You thanked everyone who made suggestions except that poster and you made a point of sayng so, see, you have to have the last word, you have to drive in the dagger and twist it. Same thing for Snodderly, you didn't like what they had to say so you make a snide remark, it is so petty. Well you can add me to the list right now, only thing you will be upset because I put myself on that list before you could so that will deflate you a bit and take away the pleasure you get from your petty attacks!

All of your complaints start out as petty, you make them into something bigger than they are because that serves your purpose and it is so obvious to anyone who has worked with others like you. People who have experience working with families in transition, families in crisis, they know from experience when they are seeing a power struggle and have the guts to point it out, It's your loss and more importantly, your children's loss that you are not open to listen to the wisdom shared with you here. You have long since forgotten the best interest of your children. Sure you use the words, but they are so empty they echo and it is sad, very sad.

You are so nice to the people who agree with you and snap back with vengence at the ones who try to make you accountable for being responsible for your own actions. You are enjoying all the attention you get here, it is an outlet for your frustrations. This board is for legal advise, not a therapy session, you exploit it like you exploit your girls projectimg your feelings on them at the same time you won't go for one on one therapy because you would not have all the distractions you get here.

Please, get some help and don't make your girls pawns for your own insecurities.

 

[kidoday]

Snodderly

Thank you for dissecting my post and twisting it into something you feel is correct.

I am a psychologist. I deal with children of divorce on a regular basis

Are you a psychologist or a counselor?

 

[stealth2]

If only we lived in a perfect world!! When you talk to girls under the age of 7 and tell them that daddy does not want them to call their stepfather dad then you are not discussing the issue with them in a way that gives them the freedom to make a choice that is best for them. They may end up making a choice that YOU think is best for them but, in no way have you left them free to make their own choice.

Go back and reread his post(s). The children came to HIM and expressed their discomfort - not the other way around.

They can then go to their room and play with their dolls knowing they don't have to call him dad and that the daddy they have will tell their mother to not force them to. It's simple!!!
snodderly

Again - go back and reread. This is EXACTLY what he said he was going to do. Y'all are reading a lot of extra crap that he never said.

And there are parents who DO try to insist that the children call the stepparent Mom or Dad. My ex is one of them - his explanation to the children is that this is their "new" family, and stepmom should be accorded the respect of the title since she is the Mom in the family. Sorry, but she is not our kids' Mom. Just as any man I might marry is never going to be their Dad.

 

[blameshifting]

Go back and reread his post(s). The children came to HIM and expressed their discomfort - not the other way around.




Again - go back and reread. This is EXACTLY what he said he was going to do. Y'all are reading a lot of extra crap that he never said.

And there are parents who DO try to insist that the children call the stepparent Mom or Dad. My ex is one of them - his explanation to the children is that this is their "new" family, and stepmom should be accorded the respect of the title since she is the Mom in the family. Sorry, but she is not our kids' Mom. Just as any man I might marry is never going to be their Dad.

You are another petty ex who needs to move on and quit trying to control your ex. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a child calling their step-mother "mom" or "mother". Get over it, it doesn't diminish your motherhood or the fact that they are your birth children.

People who's marriages came to a bitter, nasty end have the biggest problem with this sort of thing.

You even make it perfectly clear that no kid of yours is ever going to feel like a new man you marry is ever going to be their Dad. How very sad.

 

[stealth2]

You are another petty ex who needs to move on and quit trying to control your ex. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a child calling their step-mother "mom" or "mother". Get over it, it doesn't diminish your motherhood or the fact that they are your birth children.

People who's marriages came to a bitter, nasty end have the biggest problem with this sort of thing.

You even make it perfectly clear that no kid of yours is ever going to feel like a new man you marry is ever going to be their Dad. How very sad.

yeah, yeah, yeah. The fact remains, these children (as mine do) have two parents who are active in their lives. The stepparents they have (or may have) can be loving and positive forces in those lives. But they don't replace the parents who created them and who are active participants.

You are of the position that it's just a name. I'm not. It's called a difference of opinion.