Stealth2,
Of course you sympathize with OP because you have similar issues about the names step-children call their step parent, that is fine if all you are doing is being supportive but makes it difficult to offer objective advise, let alone, legal advise, if he takes it to court the judge is going to tell him to get therapy.
When the children brought up the issue if indeed they did, then a simple solution would have been to say "It's ok, I understand this is new and you have to have something to call him, right? What would you like to call Jeff?" and then, "I'll talk with your Mommy and Jeff about that soon if that's ok with you?" It is not healthy to tell them how that makes him upset, sad or hurts his feelings, he is responsible for his feelings, not to project them on his girls, they are too young to be exposed to his dysfunctional emotional reactions, it sets a poor example at least, if not meant to lay on a guilt trip.
These children are there with him this weekend and instead of spending time with them, trying to make up for the vacation he denied them, he is venting over it on the internet and those girls will be still be exposed to all the negative aspects of this even if he doesn't admit to directly discussing it with them they will still be impacted by it.
"7-13-4 A new situation - She called and left a message asking to get the kids two days early from me next week. No mention of the letters though. No mention of mondays or the issue I have brought up. What should I do???
.....I have decided and it may sound like im just being mean but NO she cant have them two days early. Why the heck would I turn around and give up my time of two days just so she can go back to messing with me and my GF the next week. She picked up those poor kids at 10 pm on July 4th, probably didnt get back to her house until 10:20 pm. The kids then had to get back up the next morning at 5:30am. Is that caring??? Was that being workable? Im sick of always being the bad guy! .....Whew.....That felt good......She wants the extra two days to go to california to visit family. I usually say yes but this time no. I let them go early last month for the same reason. AND I must include, on numerous occasions I will let her pick the kids up early, either a day or just a few hours to find out later the kids didnt even see the family until the next day or what ever. She just got them early because she could and I was nice and believed her story."
We don't know what really happened all we know is what OP claims or reports, he even says there is more to it and when you look back at his last thread quoted in part above, which was 5 pages long, you discover what is also going on when he innocently asks here:
"Is it wrong to say something when my girls tell me that mom and her new hubby are trying to get them to call him dad and me dadddy???? Keep in mind that we have 50/50 custody and I am very involved with my kids. I have them Mon-thursdays. .......The girls are 5 and 7. I explained to my daughters that while I feel Jeff is a great guy and I am glad he is so nice to them, that being called dad is a special title for someone. There was more to it but yes, i did explain my feelings to them. I havent talked to my ex yet. She is out of town right now and wont be back to get the girls until next thursday. I was basically going to say that the girls should not feel this kind of pressure. It puts them in the middle. That they have one mom and one dad forever and that is how it should be."
If you go back and look at his last post you see that she wanted to take the girls on a vacation to visit family in California picking them up 2 days early, after finally getting support of a few people here decided to not allow her to do that because he had the right to, not that it was in his daughters best interest to visit with their extended family and build healthy relationships and also because he has a need to control and to get more than his share of the time. So she had to leave without them and he got more time with them and they were denied their vacation. If he had followed som eof the suggestions for shared time this wouldn't have been an issue either, these things become issues because he makes them issues. Now this comes up, it is too obvious!
"Stealth2: Oh, I agree with you completely. When my ex remarried, there was a lot of pressure on the kids to call their stepmom "Mom". Mine were a bit ilder, and they made it plain on their own that it wasn't happening - they have a Mom who is actively involved (I'm the CP) and that's where the name belongs. Their stepsibs call my ex "Dad" even though their father is very involved in their lives (and it's something that my kids hate, that they call my ex "Dad"); my ex calls him their "ex father". "
See this is your issue.
When psychologists and other professional look at situations we consider that we are only getting one side of the picture and will use terms such as, report or claim to differientiate from the actual initial unsolicited words of the child, as he said there is more to this than what he is putting there. He reports what he knows will provide the response he wants and how to push buttons, that why his threads are so long and have nothing to do with legal advise and he even admits he is here to VENT "yes i know just venting but it helps." but is offended when someone appropriately suggests therapy!
Of course you sympathize with OP because you have similar issues about the names step-children call their step parent, that is fine if all you are doing is being supportive but makes it difficult to offer objective advise, let alone, legal advise, if he takes it to court the judge is going to tell him to get therapy.
When the children brought up the issue if indeed they did, then a simple solution would have been to say "It's ok, I understand this is new and you have to have something to call him, right? What would you like to call Jeff?" and then, "I'll talk with your Mommy and Jeff about that soon if that's ok with you?" It is not healthy to tell them how that makes him upset, sad or hurts his feelings, he is responsible for his feelings, not to project them on his girls, they are too young to be exposed to his dysfunctional emotional reactions, it sets a poor example at least, if not meant to lay on a guilt trip.
These children are there with him this weekend and instead of spending time with them, trying to make up for the vacation he denied them, he is venting over it on the internet and those girls will be still be exposed to all the negative aspects of this even if he doesn't admit to directly discussing it with them they will still be impacted by it.
"7-13-4 A new situation - She called and left a message asking to get the kids two days early from me next week. No mention of the letters though. No mention of mondays or the issue I have brought up. What should I do???
.....I have decided and it may sound like im just being mean but NO she cant have them two days early. Why the heck would I turn around and give up my time of two days just so she can go back to messing with me and my GF the next week. She picked up those poor kids at 10 pm on July 4th, probably didnt get back to her house until 10:20 pm. The kids then had to get back up the next morning at 5:30am. Is that caring??? Was that being workable? Im sick of always being the bad guy! .....Whew.....That felt good......She wants the extra two days to go to california to visit family. I usually say yes but this time no. I let them go early last month for the same reason. AND I must include, on numerous occasions I will let her pick the kids up early, either a day or just a few hours to find out later the kids didnt even see the family until the next day or what ever. She just got them early because she could and I was nice and believed her story."
We don't know what really happened all we know is what OP claims or reports, he even says there is more to it and when you look back at his last thread quoted in part above, which was 5 pages long, you discover what is also going on when he innocently asks here:
"Is it wrong to say something when my girls tell me that mom and her new hubby are trying to get them to call him dad and me dadddy???? Keep in mind that we have 50/50 custody and I am very involved with my kids. I have them Mon-thursdays. .......The girls are 5 and 7. I explained to my daughters that while I feel Jeff is a great guy and I am glad he is so nice to them, that being called dad is a special title for someone. There was more to it but yes, i did explain my feelings to them. I havent talked to my ex yet. She is out of town right now and wont be back to get the girls until next thursday. I was basically going to say that the girls should not feel this kind of pressure. It puts them in the middle. That they have one mom and one dad forever and that is how it should be."
If you go back and look at his last post you see that she wanted to take the girls on a vacation to visit family in California picking them up 2 days early, after finally getting support of a few people here decided to not allow her to do that because he had the right to, not that it was in his daughters best interest to visit with their extended family and build healthy relationships and also because he has a need to control and to get more than his share of the time. So she had to leave without them and he got more time with them and they were denied their vacation. If he had followed som eof the suggestions for shared time this wouldn't have been an issue either, these things become issues because he makes them issues. Now this comes up, it is too obvious!
"Stealth2: Oh, I agree with you completely. When my ex remarried, there was a lot of pressure on the kids to call their stepmom "Mom". Mine were a bit ilder, and they made it plain on their own that it wasn't happening - they have a Mom who is actively involved (I'm the CP) and that's where the name belongs. Their stepsibs call my ex "Dad" even though their father is very involved in their lives (and it's something that my kids hate, that they call my ex "Dad"); my ex calls him their "ex father". "
See this is your issue.
When psychologists and other professional look at situations we consider that we are only getting one side of the picture and will use terms such as, report or claim to differientiate from the actual initial unsolicited words of the child, as he said there is more to this than what he is putting there. He reports what he knows will provide the response he wants and how to push buttons, that why his threads are so long and have nothing to do with legal advise and he even admits he is here to VENT "yes i know just venting but it helps." but is offended when someone appropriately suggests therapy!
