Father allowing girlfriend to bath with daughter

[CO19]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? TxI just found out from my daughter that her father has allowed his girlfriend to shower and bath with her @ least 4 times. My dauther is six years old. She didnt want to father to get mad at her so she did what he said. What can I do? She hasnt said she doesnt want to go back but i'm worried that if i dont allow her to go with him I can be held in contempt. I have no problem with allowing the girlfriend to bath my daughter and whatnot but when she's naked in the shower with her that draws the line. I have no luck in reaching her father. I just need to know what i can do on my side. Thanks for reading.

Malcava, my opinion may be slightly different than some you have received. I have always been of the belief that children's feelings are no less important than adults. If something doesn't feel right for them, it must be respected and acknowledged (including visitation).

In this regard, if she has expressed that she is uncomfortable being forced to bathe with someone and father is unwilling to consider those feelings and acknowledge them, I would absolutely NOT force the child to go anywhere, nor do anything, they are not comfortable in doing period. Contempt? Deal with it as it comes - I would not be forcing the child to visit until the child is given the respect of privacy she deserves! Children are people and deserving of the same respect as adults. No one wants to be forced to do anything against their will, regardless. If it isn't right for them, it isn't right and duty as parent to respect that. Just my .02.

 

[brisgirl825]

Malcava, my opinion may be slightly different than some you have received. I have always been of the belief that children's feelings are no less important than adults. If something doesn't feel right for them, it must be respected and acknowledged (including visitation).

In this regard, if she has expressed that she is uncomfortable being forced to bathe with someone and father is unwilling to consider those feelings and acknowledge them, I would absolutely NOT force the child to go anywhere, nor do anything, they are not comfortable in doing period. Contempt? Deal with it as it comes - I would not be forcing the child to visit until the child is given the respect of privacy she deserves! Children are people and deserving of the same respect as adults. No one wants to be forced to do anything against their will, regardless. If it isn't right for them, it isn't right and duty as parent to respect that. Just my .02.

Are you seriously advising someone to break a CO especiall over a bath? The OP didn't even suggest that she suspected abuse.

This is the worst advise to give the OP and will land her in more trouble than dad.

 

[casa]

Malcava, my opinion may be slightly different than some you have received. I have always been of the belief that children's feelings are no less important than adults. If something doesn't feel right for them, it must be respected and acknowledged (including visitation).

In this regard, if she has expressed that she is uncomfortable being forced to bathe with someone and father is unwilling to consider those feelings and acknowledge them, I would absolutely NOT force the child to go anywhere, nor do anything, they are not comfortable in doing period. Contempt? Deal with it as it comes - I would not be forcing the child to visit until the child is given the respect of privacy she deserves! Children are people and deserving of the same respect as adults. No one wants to be forced to do anything against their will, regardless. If it isn't right for them, it isn't right and duty as parent to respect that. Just my .02.

The problems with your direction (though there are circumstances where that would be appropriate- this is not one)...are:
*The child didn't tell Dad or Dad's g/f she was uncomfortable, she told her Mom later. So she was not 'forced'.
*Mom doesn't suspect anything untowards has happened to the child- she expresses concern over the child seeing an adult naked (which happens at YMCA, beaches, spas etc. everyday).
*The child is only 6 and g/f is same sex.
*It was not a complete stranger off the street, it was the g/f at her Dad's house. (Children see SOs and Steps as extensions of their parents emotionally)

Mom can't deny court ordered visitation~ or she'd be in contempt of the court. Then, she'd have to explain to the judge she refused to obey the court's order because she thinks the Dad's g/f let the little 6 yr old girl shower with her.

 

[CO19]

Are you seriously advising someone to break a CO especiall over a bath? The OP didn't even suggest that she suspected abuse.
This is the worst advise to give the OP and will land her in more trouble than dad.

If the kid is being FORCED to bath with a non-family member, father not willing to RESPECT the child's privacy and wishes, yes, I say keep the kid home until father starts *respecting* the child, which "respect" for the kids isn't happening enough overall, in my opinion, esp in single-family homes - about control. I say let the chips fall where they may and explain it to the judge when/if that time comes; I don't believe in forcing kids or anyone in doing things they are not comfortable doing, esp bathing with non-family members. So yes, that is MY opnion and exactly what I would do if I was in her situation.... others may have their own opinions and confident the OP will make her own choices on how to proceed.

 

[CO19]

Mom can't deny court ordered visitation~ or she'd be in contempt of the court. Then, she'd have to explain to the judge she refused to obey the court's order because she thinks the Dad's g/f let the little 6 yr old girl shower with her.

So she'd have to explain to a judge, big fooking deal... that's what the courts are for!! To me, she has a legitimate and bona-fide concern. Either way, they are her choices to make.

 

[Bali Hai]

So she'd have to explain to a judge, big fooking deal... that's what the courts are for!! To me, she has a legitimate and bona-fide concern. Either way, they are her choices to make.

Man, this guy is whacked.

Hey buddy, I just saw your Mall security hat roll off the edge of that 100 foot cliff. Over there!!!

 

[brisgirl825]

So she'd have to explain to a judge, big fooking deal... that's what the courts are for!! To me, she has a legitimate and bona-fide concern. Either way, they are her choices to make.

It won't be a big deal if she loses custody. You have no idea how a judge will rule on this.
Mom isn't even worried about abuse here and if she was, the place to go would be CPS, not breaking COs. The fact that she hasn't gone to the authorities will only go in dad's favor. How do you explain denying access to the child for fear of this issue and yet not going to CPS/police? Mom will have a lot of explaining to do and it will only ruin her credibility.
There is a legal way to do deal with these issues so that one doesn't get into trouble. That is the advice to give in those situations.

 

[snostar]

35, 6ft, do you like Nicholas Cage??? I could be his twin....

In that case I'd consider subtracting the bra..

 

[snostar]

The problems with your direction (though there are circumstances where that would be appropriate- this is not one)...are:
*The child didn't tell Dad or Dad's g/f she was uncomfortable, she told her Mom later. So she was not 'forced'.

OP stated in reply #13:
"She told her father and the gf that she could shower on her own and she didnt need her to go in there with her but the gf insisted and the dad told her to."

To me it is implied that the child expressed she preferred to shower alone.

 

[panzertanker]

In that case I'd consider subtracting the bra..

Jeans are overrated as clothing also....

 

[LdiJ]

OP stated in reply #13:
"She told her father and the gf that she could shower on her own and she didnt need her to go in there with her but the gf insisted and the dad told her to."

To me it is implied that the child expressed she preferred to shower alone.

Personally, if it was my child I would have a serious discussion with dad about the issue. I would make it clear to dad that the child is uncomfortable with it, and that mom didn't approve.

I would also point out that children are just as entitled to privacy as adults, and that the child is totally capable of showering without assistance.

I think that the girlfriend overstepped here.

 

[CJane]

I don't believe in forcing kids or anyone in doing things they are not comfortable doing

Wow. What a wonderful life your children must lead. Never being challenged or pushed or ya know... bathed. Kids are uncomfortable with all kinds of crap, doesn't mean we're bad parents for insisting they get over it occasionally.

Yes, GF overstepped. But mom would be biting her own a$$ if she denied visits over the event.

 

[stealth2]

I have to say that I would not be comfortable with this situation either. Does a child sometimes need help in a bath/shower? Sure. I sometimes even still help my 11yo daughter make sure she's got the shampoo and/or conditioner out of her hair as it's very long & thick. But with a child that wasn't mine? I can't even think of a situation where it would be appropriate for me to shower *with* the child.

Not to say anything is going on, but there's really little need for more than an adult presence at that age. Not a reason to refuse visitation, but might be time to have a talk about boundaries with Dad.

 

[MomIsWorried]

I have a question to ask.....

Would any of us here, regulars, based on our knowledge of family law and how the courts work....actually bath in the nude with a stepchild?....or the child of a boyfriend/girlfriend?....same sex or not?

I certainly wouldn't. I also can't imagine anyone I know doing that unless the child was a toddler....and even then I am not sure that I can imagine it. I think that all of us would be more aware of the potential risks to do something like that.

So, if its something that WE wouldn't do.....is it fair to act as though the OP's concerns are invalid? Just food for thought.

From my own experiences ... my youngest step daughter was 5 years old when her dad and I moved in together ... the oldest was 9. 5 year old didn't feel comfortable bathing in front of daddy, and I didn't feel comfortable going into the bathroom when she was taking a bath ... and I knew that step-daughters mom would FLIP if I were to help her daughter bathe ... the woman flipped when I braided HEr childrens hair! So, the 9 year old would help the 5 year old out if she needed it.

I think that bathing with your own child, when they are very young, is a wonderful bonding experience, and I did it with all of my children when they were babies ... even my son. But I would never consider taking a bath or shower with my step kids, or my boyfriends kids ... I feel that's overstepping a line ... and that's just my personal feeling on the subject.