GAL Visit and a question

[CJane]

What is the name of your state? Missouri

Saturday is my home visit with the GAL. I just found out that there's no way - short of quitting - that my BF can get time off from his job to be here. Obviously, since it's Sunday, I haven't told the GAL yet.

However, when I told my attorney that there was a possiblity that BF would be working (he works 18 hour days, 7 days a week lately) and not be here, she told me that without him meeting the GAL, I'll lose my case. Her 'solution' to the issue is that if he isn't here, I should break up with him and attempt damage control with the GAL since I'll be seen as unstable in that case...

So, here's the situation. Our trial is March 6 - there's no time to reschedule the home visit given my custody/work schedule. I can't force the BF to quit his job to be here for the visit, and even if I could, I wouldn't. The BF has been working out of town since August, with trips home once or twice per month, so it's not as iff he's been a huge factor in the kids' lives for the past 6 months. We only moved in with the BF in June, so really (IMO) if the GAL wants a 'picture' of the kids' life w/me right now it would be more 'real' for the BF to NOT be here.

Yes, there are issues involved with the BF - accusations that the ex has made. But, they're unfounded accusations (claims he 'drinks a lot' and 'has a temper', but can't or won't say who told him that).

This custody thing started before I moved in with the BF and before the ex got remarried. I would think that the past 2 years of good solid parenting on both our parts, the fact that the kids get straight A's in school and always have, that they're happy and healthy and well cared for and have warm dry places to sleep would matter more than whether or not my BF has to work on a Saturday morning. Am I totally wrong?

I guess my questions are:

1) Do you think that my BF's inability to get the time off of work would be THAT big of a factor (my attorney said that the ex has NO case at all, but this one thing could screw me)

2) How do I explain to the GAL that the BF won't be here? Should I tell her that he hasn't been here hardly at all in the past 6 months?

3) Would a GAL really recommend a transfer to the ex having full custody because I didn't break up with my BF because he's working a billion hours a week so we can buy a bigger place?

4) How much of the GAL's evaluation is based on MY relationship with my kids and my willingness to work with the ex, and how much is (usually) based on any particular 'partners' relationship with the kids?

I'm so very confused right now. I can't see having to decide to break up with the father of my son so that the father of my daughters doesn't take them away from me. Maybe if he (the BF) was a criminal or a drug abuser or whatever, yeah. But believe me - none of that applies to this man.

Help?

 

[seniorjudge]

What is the name of your state? Missouri

Saturday is my home visit with the GAL. I just found out that there's no way - short of quitting - that my BF can get time off from his job to be here. Obviously, since it's Sunday, I haven't told the GAL yet.

However, when I told my attorney that there was a possiblity that BF would be working (he works 18 hour days, 7 days a week lately) and not be here, she told me that without him meeting the GAL, I'll lose my case. Her 'solution' to the issue is that if he isn't here, I should break up with him and attempt damage control with the GAL since I'll be seen as unstable in that case...

So, here's the situation. Our trial is March 6 - there's no time to reschedule the home visit given my custody/work schedule. I can't force the BF to quit his job to be here for the visit, and even if I could, I wouldn't. The BF has been working out of town since August, with trips home once or twice per month, so it's not as iff he's been a huge factor in the kids' lives for the past 6 months. We only moved in with the BF in June, so really (IMO) if the GAL wants a 'picture' of the kids' life w/me right now it would be more 'real' for the BF to NOT be here.

Yes, there are issues involved with the BF - accusations that the ex has made. But, they're unfounded accusations (claims he 'drinks a lot' and 'has a temper', but can't or won't say who told him that).

This custody thing started before I moved in with the BF and before the ex got remarried. I would think that the past 2 years of good solid parenting on both our parts, the fact that the kids get straight A's in school and always have, that they're happy and healthy and well cared for and have warm dry places to sleep would matter more than whether or not my BF has to work on a Saturday morning. Am I totally wrong?

I guess my questions are:

1) Do you think that my BF's inability to get the time off of work would be THAT big of a factor (my attorney said that the ex has NO case at all, but this one thing could screw me)

2) How do I explain to the GAL that the BF won't be here? Should I tell her that he hasn't been here hardly at all in the past 6 months?

3) Would a GAL really recommend a transfer to the ex having full custody because I didn't break up with my BF because he's working a billion hours a week so we can buy a bigger place?

4) How much of the GAL's evaluation is based on MY relationship with my kids and my willingness to work with the ex, and how much is (usually) based on any particular 'partners' relationship with the kids?

I'm so very confused right now. I can't see having to decide to break up with the father of my son so that the father of my daughters doesn't take them away from me. Maybe if he (the BF) was a criminal or a drug abuser or whatever, yeah. But believe me - none of that applies to this man.

Help?

1) Do you think that my BF's inability to get the time off of work would be THAT big of a factor (my attorney said that the ex has NO case at all, but this one thing could screw me)

A: Yes, if BF doesn't talk to GAL, that is a major problem for you.


2) How do I explain to the GAL that the BF won't be here? Should I tell her that he hasn't been here hardly at all in the past 6 months?

A: See prior answer.


3) Would a GAL really recommend a transfer to the ex having full custody because I didn't break up with my BF because he's working a billion hours a week so we can buy a bigger place?

A: Crystal ball is broken.


4) How much of the GAL's evaluation is based on MY relationship with my kids and my willingness to work with the ex, and how much is (usually) based on any particular 'partners' relationship with the kids?

A: All of those factors are considered; there is no percentage given to each of the factors.


Your choices are to kick out BF and do damage control OR have BF talk to GAL.

Your call...

 

[CJane]

Your choices are to kick out BF and do damage control OR have BF talk to GAL.

Your call...

Ok, so let's assume that I tell the GAL that he's no longer living here (nevermind that it's his house, which I can see being a problem)... Essentially, that's true since he hasn't even slept here in months due to working out of town. That brings us to a point where he's my boyfriend and the father of my 6 wk old baby, but not cohabitating with us.

Do you think (without the crystal ball, but with your experience) that would be something I COULD do damage control on?

If I approach it with the GAL that way, and the BF is working locally again when this contract is up, and he's 'living here' again... does that open me up for another custody battle, assuming the ex has the available cash to make my life miserable?

 

[weenor]

I think you have to approach this as openly and honestly as possible or ex will use it against you. B/f is a part of your life and your kids' lives even if he doesn't see them much now and the GAL just wants to check him out. If you say that he's moved out and the kids say different, you'll look like a liar. If you say he's moved out and he has in fact moved out then there are the inevitable questions about stability, what about the new baby (which is not the GAL's concern and has nothing to do with your care of the other kids), but does raise an eyebrow. If you are honestly planning on b/f and you being together in the future then I think you have to deal with it now. I don't know that a GAL would necessarily advise against your position if b/f is not there (although you need to listen to your lawyer on that one), but you also run the risk of no recommendation and a continuance of the trial in March until b/f can be there. Is there anyway in the next two weeks that b/f can swing by GAL's office. I wouldn't think GAL would need to see him in the home.

 

[seniorjudge]

Ok, so let's assume that I tell the GAL that he's no longer living here (nevermind that it's his house, which I can see being a problem)... Essentially, that's true since he hasn't even slept here in months due to working out of town. That brings us to a point where he's my boyfriend and the father of my 6 wk old baby, but not cohabitating with us.

Do you think (without the crystal ball, but with your experience) that would be something I COULD do damage control on?

If I approach it with the GAL that way, and the BF is working locally again when this contract is up, and he's 'living here' again... does that open me up for another custody battle, assuming the ex has the available cash to make my life miserable?

Lying to a GAL is never a good idea.

Trust me on this one: GALs have sources you never dreamed of and the GAL will likely find out you have lied.

 

[Whyte Noise]

DO NOT lie to the GAL. Period. I mean it.

Tell the truth. Your BF works with X company and lately they have had him working out of state. That his employer wouldn't let him off to meet with the GAL in the home. Get copies of his work schedule to show the GAL and/or have his employer write out a statement saying why he can't be there.

Yeah... saying "We broke up, but I still live in his house and he still pays all the bills, and oh, BTW, we do have this 6 week old baby.... etc." won't cut it.

DO NOT lie to the GAL. You think him not being there will hurt your case? Lying will do even more damage.

 

[NotSoNew]

i agree i think the GAL will see RIGHT through it if you say you guys broke up. tell the GAL the truth, offer to let BF talk to her over the phone, another day ANYTHING, offer proof of his work situation, i am sure she has to respect that, but dont lie!

 

[stealth2]

Why do you think your lawyer wouldn't give you an honest assessment?

 

[LdiJ]

I think you have to approach this as openly and honestly as possible or ex will use it against you. B/f is a part of your life and your kids' lives even if he doesn't see them much now and the GAL just wants to check him out. If you say that he's moved out and the kids say different, you'll look like a liar. If you say he's moved out and he has in fact moved out then there are the inevitable questions about stability, what about the new baby (which is not the GAL's concern and has nothing to do with your care of the other kids), but does raise an eyebrow. If you are honestly planning on b/f and you being together in the future then I think you have to deal with it now. I don't know that a GAL would necessarily advise against your position if b/f is not there (although you need to listen to your lawyer on that one), but you also run the risk of no recommendation and a continuance of the trial in March until b/f can be there. Is there anyway in the next two weeks that b/f can swing by GAL's office. I wouldn't think GAL would need to see him in the home.

I agree with this advice. In fact, if your bf can be available to be spoken to on the telephone during the GAL's visit that could be helpful......particularly if he expresses his regrets (sincerely) about not being able to be present.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Your whole situation raises more questions for the GAL than it solves which is what some of us have been trying to tell you for a long time. First the issue was that you were hiding the relationship with your bf from your ex and that was why you moved, so it wouldn't be so easy to drive by and see who you were with. Now since you got pregnant and had his baby you can't avoid the fact that there are other adults in your hosehold who will be interacting with your children. Now what you are trying to do is like some people caught in immigration problems when they get to the interview and can't prove anything. You have aligned yourself with this man now he can't even show up for an interview with the GAL on a weekend?

Are you going to be able to prove that your bf is contributing even to the suppport of his child? You could look like a camp follower or groupie of some sort. You aren't married and you see this man maybe 2 times a month, does he have another family? Another girlfriend? Perhaps a wife? Is he really paying the bills? Saving to buy a place for you to live? Did he sign an AOP for his child? Are you getting child support for his child? Are you back to work? Who is paying for child care for his child? Who is providing care for his child? A big can of worms that lies won't help.

 

[stealth2]

I have to agree with rmet on this one. None of it forms a positive picture, to be completely honest.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

I have to agree with rmet on this one. None of it forms a positive picture, to be completely honest.

Even if he shows up the GAL is going to have sooooo many questions and less than a week to write the report.

 

[LdiJ]

I have to agree with rmet on this one. None of it forms a positive picture, to be completely honest.

If you agree with Rmet's rather skewed summary of OP's situation. OP's bf is working out of town and can't be there short of quitting his job. I suspect that most GALs would be understanding of that situation and would work around it. Its not all that unusual....not terribly common but not all that unusual either.

I also don't recall OP attempting to hide her boyfriend from her ex either. Maybe I missed that somewhere.

It certainly would be better if he was there...however I don't believe that anyone would expect him to put his job on the line to be there.

 

[critterperson]

What is the name of your state? Missouri

Saturday is my home visit with the GAL. I just found out that there's no way - short of quitting - that my BF can get time off from his job to be here. Obviously, since it's Sunday, I haven't told the GAL yet.

However, when I told my attorney that there was a possiblity that BF would be working (he works 18 hour days, 7 days a week lately) and not be here, she told me that without him meeting the GAL, I'll lose my case. Her 'solution' to the issue is that if he isn't here, I should break up with him and attempt damage control with the GAL since I'll be seen as unstable in that case...

So, here's the situation. Our trial is March 6 - there's no time to reschedule the home visit given my custody/work schedule. I can't force the BF to quit his job to be here for the visit, and even if I could, I wouldn't. The BF has been working out of town since August, with trips home once or twice per month, so it's not as iff he's been a huge factor in the kids' lives for the past 6 months. We only moved in with the BF in June, so really (IMO) if the GAL wants a 'picture' of the kids' life w/me right now it would be more 'real' for the BF to NOT be here.



1) Do you think that my BF's inability to get the time off of work would be THAT big of a factor (my attorney said that the ex has NO case at all, but this one thing could screw me)

If I were you I would get a letter from your BF's employer explaining his work schedule, and beg for another date for the GAL..Send it certified mail and place a very nice, and polite phone call....Most courts will give you an extension for a good reason....Your boyfriend loosing his job if he is forced to take time off on this particular date would be a good reason...If he lost his job your family situation would suffer......

2) How do I explain to the GAL that the BF won't be here? Should I tell her that he hasn't been here hardly at all in the past 6 months?

No....Explain to her when you call to reschedule that you are trying as a family to increase your income to improve your living situation (you would like to buy a bigger house) and as a result your BF is working around the clock but these are the dates that he would be availiable for a visit....Explain that you are sorry for any inconvience but could you please schedule it for on of the following dates....
3) Would a GAL really recommend a transfer to the ex having full custody because I didn't break up with my BF because he's working a billion hours a week so we can buy a bigger place?

I wouldn't think so but you never know with these people.....I have seen animal shelters that specify that if you have a full time job you aren't a qualified candidate to adopt a dog.....Who knows there are all types....

4) How much of the GAL's evaluation is based on MY relationship with my kids and my willingness to work with the ex, and how much is (usually) based on any particular 'partners' relationship with the kids?

I'm so very confused right now. I can't see having to decide to break up with the father of my son so that the father of my daughters doesn't take them away from me. Maybe if he (the BF) was a criminal or a drug abuser or whatever, yeah. But believe me - none of that applies to this man.

Help?

Let your attorney know what dates you have availiable for the GAL to meet your BF and tell him you need a continuance....If he goes to the judge with a laid out plan, with dates... a judge is more likely to allow additional time for the GAL appointment...Make your lawyer argue your case and get you more time....

Good Luck to you!!!!

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state? Missouri

Saturday is my home visit with the GAL. I just found out that there's no way - short of quitting - that my BF can get time off from his job to be here. Obviously, since it's Sunday, I haven't told the GAL yet.

However, when I told my attorney that there was a possiblity that BF would be working (he works 18 hour days, 7 days a week lately) and not be here, she told me that without him meeting the GAL, I'll lose my case. Her 'solution' to the issue is that if he isn't here, I should break up with him and attempt damage control with the GAL since I'll be seen as unstable in that case...

So, here's the situation. Our trial is March 6 - there's no time to reschedule the home visit given my custody/work schedule. I can't force the BF to quit his job to be here for the visit, and even if I could, I wouldn't. The BF has been working out of town since August, with trips home once or twice per month, so it's not as iff he's been a huge factor in the kids' lives for the past 6 months. We only moved in with the BF in June, so really (IMO) if the GAL wants a 'picture' of the kids' life w/me right now it would be more 'real' for the BF to NOT be here.

Yes, there are issues involved with the BF - accusations that the ex has made. But, they're unfounded accusations (claims he 'drinks a lot' and 'has a temper', but can't or won't say who told him that).

This custody thing started before I moved in with the BF and before the ex got remarried. I would think that the past 2 years of good solid parenting on both our parts, the fact that the kids get straight A's in school and always have, that they're happy and healthy and well cared for and have warm dry places to sleep would matter more than whether or not my BF has to work on a Saturday morning. Am I totally wrong?

I guess my questions are:

1) Do you think that my BF's inability to get the time off of work would be THAT big of a factor (my attorney said that the ex has NO case at all, but this one thing could screw me)

2) How do I explain to the GAL that the BF won't be here? Should I tell her that he hasn't been here hardly at all in the past 6 months?

3) Would a GAL really recommend a transfer to the ex having full custody because I didn't break up with my BF because he's working a billion hours a week so we can buy a bigger place?

4) How much of the GAL's evaluation is based on MY relationship with my kids and my willingness to work with the ex, and how much is (usually) based on any particular 'partners' relationship with the kids?

I'm so very confused right now. I can't see having to decide to break up with the father of my son so that the father of my daughters doesn't take them away from me. Maybe if he (the BF) was a criminal or a drug abuser or whatever, yeah. But believe me - none of that applies to this man.

Help?

I ditto everyone else re; listening to your attorney...and I admit my knowledge of Missouri law, specifically, is minimum. However, I have seen (at least in CA, TX & AZ) families who were not 'looked down on' when they have spouses or SOs who travel for income. In Southern CA, for example there are large populations of deployable military who leave every other month for weeks...oil rigger employees, trucking employees who travel cross states etc.

I would definately ask b/f to get a letter from his employer re; not being able to miss work during that time period. I would also talk to your attorney about notifying the GAL in advance of her visit- that b/f cannot attend & why. Ask for a re-schedule appt. to allow GAL to meet with b/f. Whether it will be possible in this little time- it's hard to tell- but at least the offer is out there & will show willingness on your parts.

If it's true that there is nothing else significant re; the case...I find it hard to imagine a reasonable judge 'punishing' you for your b/f's dedication to provide more income & therefore better housing for the family. The key here is to be totally honest & not attempt to hide or smooth over any aspect of your living situation.

My 2c. Take or Toss.

Let us know how it progresses...and Good Luck.