GAL Visit and a question

[Zephyr]

Just a question here not a judgement.....has your boyfriend actually asked for that day off yet?

It seems like he has been working like crazy, his boss would be an absolute jerk to not recognize the fact that he has a family and would need one day to deal with some family issues

 

[rmet4nzkx]

If you agree with Rmet's rather skewed summary of OP's situation. OP's bf is working out of town and can't be there short of quitting his job. I suspect that most GALs would be understanding of that situation and would work around it. Its not all that unusual....not terribly common but not all that unusual either.

I also don't recall OP attempting to hide her boyfriend from her ex either. Maybe I missed that somewhere.

It certainly would be better if he was there...however I don't believe that anyone would expect him to put his job on the line to be there.

The fact that she didn't want to live in the same community came up several times and the fact that she didn't want to give her ex the opportunity to see who was there. I can't read through all her posts, but the story changes depending on if it is her thread or the facts such as how she counts her parenting time, she has also known since October that she would need to have her boyfriend present to meet with the GAL. I came across some interesting posts that sort of throw a different light on some subjects. It will be in 2 parts.
Oh yes, another FACT, OP had no insurance and had an accident during this time, 22,000 miles since April 2005, I'll bet her ex and the GAL don't know about that.

https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?p=882033 3-3-5
https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=239198 4-28-5
https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=280809 GAL 10-5-5

How is parenting time figured? I always refer to my custody arrangement as 50/50. I have them every Sunday from 8pm until Wednesday at 8am (I drop them at school/he picks them up). He has them from 8am on Wednesday until 8am on Friday. We alternate the 8am Friday until 8pm Sundays.

SO, every week, I have the kids 3 mornings (Mon, Tues, Wed) and 3 evenings (Sun, Mon, Tues) and every other week I have them 5 mornings (Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed) and 5 evenings (Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues). Every week, he has them 2 mornings (Thurs, Fri) and 2 evenings (Wed, Thurs) and every other week he has them 4 mornings (Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun) and 4 evenings (Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat).

We were talking about this at our last parenting meeting, and he insists that it's still a 50/50 split. I maintain that the kids spend more time with me (as seems obvious once it's spelled out). Ultimately, does it make much of a difference? <>

(Please not in another post that the new wife provodes child care and the children return there every day after school including Friday's so dad effectively has the children more than 50%.)

My ex and I have a nearly 50/50 schedule that is half weeks. I have them every week from Sunday @ 8pm until Wednesday @ 8am... he has them from Wednesday @ 8 am until Friday @ 8am. We alternate the Friday @ 8am through Sunday @ 8pm part. It works really well and neither of us goes more than 5 days w/out the kids.

01-05-2006 11:29 AM
CJane Know what? I was a stay at home mom for 5 years. From the week before my youngest was born, until literally the day I got divorced. And I now have 50/50 custody with my ex (not exactly, but close). I actually INSISTED on the split because he was a very uninvolved father during our marriage, and because I wanted more for my kids than that. And, because I recognized then and recognize now that the kids will only benefit from the immense amount of time they spend with BOTH of us.

<>We much different housing (he retained the marital home which is a 5 bedroom house, and I rent a 2 bedroom). <>

<>Lighten up.

9-7-5
No, the bus thing is not an important educational decision. It's PETTY. I have 50/50 custody with my ex. His wife is our child care provider. Sometimes, I drop the kids off at their house in the morning and they ride the bus. Sometimes, I drop the kids at school. Sometimes I pick them up at school, sometimes I pick them up at my ex's house. Sometimes, my fiance or father or sister picks them up at one of those two places. My ex has NO SAY in any of that because it's MY TIME. Same deal here. If the order says 'or child care provider' then that 1) implies that a childcare provider is acceptable, and 2) it's ok if mom drops off/picks up there.

<>

https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=297297 This would have made her approx 38 weeks pregnant if her child is 6 weeks now.

12-19-5
I was in a minor accident this weekend - I'm guessing my fault because I rear-ended the guy thanks to some black ice on the road. The police were not called, no one was injured, information was exchanged and we were on our way.

There was no damage to my car at all, his plastic rear bumper now has a hole in it thanks to my license plate... totally cosmetic damage to a mid-90's model Taurus.

Anyway, 'my' insurance company called me today to take a statement re: what/where/when/etc. After completing all of the information, the woman who called informed me that I've been driving without insurance since August. She insisted that a cancellation notice had been sent out to me on Aug 22 of this year. I never received a cancellation notice.

The guy that I ran into has already left a voice mail for me this morning, and I don't want to talk to him until I know what to say/whether it's acceptable to just insist that his insurance company contact me.

Advice? This is something I NEVER thought I'd be faced with.

Remember when?

2-28-5
The kids are 8 and 4. Second grade and starting kindergarten in the fall. It's public school.

I have no intention of leaving this area anytime in the future. I'm very secure in my job, the school district that the kids are in is fantastic, we have friends and family very nearby, etc. This is home - and that's not something that I anticipate changing. I'd imagine I won't be in this exact house forever, but I'll be within easy driving distance of their school/my job.

I posted this as a general question, as stated in my original post.

I am not increasing ANYTHING 'now'. I am aware of what my ex and I agreed to when we agreed to 50/50 custody, and since the divorce was final, we haven't lived 'in the same community'.

Your opinion of who my move benefited is irrelevant. The move benefitted myself, my children, my boyfriend, and my employer. I wasn't aware I was pregnant when I moved in, so my unborn child was irrelevant to the decision. It also has not harmed my ex/our visitation schedule.

My question pertains to FUTURE moves. In this world, there's no assurance that people will live in the same house forever. My fiance and I hope to build a home in the next year or so. It will be in this county/general area but will of course require a change of address. I'm wondering if IN THE FUTURE such things are deemed important to the courts.
....
Ok, it says "Petitioner (the ex) shall have sole legal custody of minor children subject to the following provisions." Then it goes on to outline a standard joint legal agreement. For example, it states that he has to consult with me on every decision regarding education and medical care. Intentionally left out was any reference to religion, as that was a contentious issue during the divorce and I don't have any issues with him raising the kids in his newly chosen religion.

It further states that we each have 'custody periods' (NOT visitation) with me having them from 8pm on Sunday to 8am Wednesday, him having them from 8am Wednesday until 8am Friday, and then alternating weekends. I have them every Christmas, on their birthdays, Mother's Day, my birthday, and every Halloween. He has them every New Years and Easter, and Father's Day, and the other Holidays alternate on an even/odd year schedule.

I am not suggesting that ANY of that change, other than the phrasing 'sole legal custody' since the plan is actually a joint plan.
<>

Well, I'm clear about MY motives, and I'm pretty sure I know what his are. I also tend to be more articulate than he is, and may communicate my motives to the court better. But, this is a conservative area and I worry that his recent marriage, newfound religious dedication, appearance of wealth, etc will sway the judge unfairly...

As part of his insistence that the move negatively impacts the kids, he's saying that it makes it 'impossible for the kids to engage in community activities in his area'. The only activities they've ever been involved in are soccer in the fall and a church group on Wednesday nights.

My move obviously won't affect church since Wed is his night. But, he called me last week and said that he's signing the girls up for brownies, and wanted my approval though he has no idea when they meet. I told him to find out and we'd discuss it (in case it falls on 'my' time). There are several reasons that I don't think brownies at this point is really necessary, but I'm concerned that if I deny the involvement for 'my' reasons, he'll make it about the distance. How does one combat that?

 

[rmet4nzkx]

part two....

11-02-2005, 01:48 PM
CJane

My ex and I have a close to 50/50 arrangement (I actually have like 57%, but whatever).

The kids are almost 9 and almost 6. We've had the same arrangement for almost 2 years (since the divorce was final). Currently, we live about 35 miles apart - previous to June, we lived about 20 miles apart, give or take.

I have the kids from Sunday @ 8pm until Wednesday @ 8am. He has them from Wednesday @ 8am until Friday @ 8am. We alternate the 8am Fri through 8pm Sunday.

<>
We're somewhere between tolerating each other and actually getting along pretty well. Depends on the day/situation/whether our SOs are present.

We've had 0 issues as far as the kids with the arrangement... no one is late for school, there's no stress @ pick-up/drop off, etc. The ONLY thing that I would change as far as physical time is to change the Sunday night @ 8pm to Monday @ 8am. I've always hated the kids getting back to my house so late at night.....

I drop off at school on 'my' mornings, and they get off the bus at his house in the afternoons. Step-mom provides child care currently. I pick up at his house on my evenings (thankfully, he's never there). The only sucky part is on Sunday nights when I pick them up at 8 and have to still do bath/dinner/bedtime. I'd prefer he take them to school on Mondays just that every other week.

Not exactly. I drive between 30 and 40 minutes from my town to the town their school is in, and then 30 minutes south of there for work, and then in the evenings back up to the ex's house (in yet another town) to pick the kids up, and 30-40 minutes home.

My commute absolutely sucks, to be completely honest. But commuting sucks anyway, and I really do believe that the custody arrangement that we have is the absolute best thing we could be doing for our kids. They've got tons of time with both families, they stayed in the same school district that we lived in pre-divorce, etc. They're thriving and that all by itself makes the 22,000 miles that I've put on my car since April totally worth it.

 

[CJane]

This is all the farther I read, I'll catch up on the rest later.

However, I am NOT asking if I should lie to the GAL. I'm asking if SHE would even consider that he lives there since he's not there. There's a difference between the two things.

Your whole situation raises more questions for the GAL than it solves which is what some of us have been trying to tell you for a long time. First the issue was that you were hiding the relationship with your bf from your ex and that was why you moved, so it wouldn't be so easy to drive by and see who you were with.

This is patently untrue. I called my ex after my FIRST DATE with my BF and talked about him. I've never hidden a relationship from my ex, and he's never hidden a relationship from me. I could give two sh*ts if my ex drove by my townhouse 57 times a day to see if there were cars parked out front. The plain fact is that he never would have seen a car there while the kids were home until I'd been with my BF for several months, and even then, he never ever spent the night (no one spent the night in my house while the kids were there).

Now since you got pregnant and had his baby you can't avoid the fact that there are other adults in your hosehold who will be interacting with your children. Now what you are trying to do is like some people caught in immigration problems when they get to the interview and can't prove anything. You have aligned yourself with this man now he can't even show up for an interview with the GAL on a weekend?

Is it that difficult to believe that a man who works 2 full-time jobs would be scheduled on a weekend? He's working a minimum of 80 hours a week - sometimes more. That would be really hard to do in a 5 day week

Are you going to be able to prove that your bf is contributing even to the suppport of his child?

Why would I need to prove something like that?

You could look like a camp follower or groupie of some sort. You aren't married and you see this man maybe 2 times a month, does he have another family?

He has 2 other children, but I'm guessing that's not what you meant.

Another girlfriend? Perhaps a wife?

LOL I seriously doubt it, though I suppose one never really knows, or the daytime television lineup would be without material.

Is he really paying the bills?

He pays his bills, I pay mine. We haven't had any baby related bills yet.

Saving to buy a place for you to live?

Yes, he is. Actually, he's saving to be able to build us a house on the land we're currently renting.

Did he sign an AOP for his child?

Yes, of course.

Are you getting child support for his child?

Child support is completely unneccesary at this point considering there have been no child related costs yet. It's not like he's eating or drinking or costing either of us anything at this point.

Are you back to work?

Yes.

Who is paying for child care for his child?
Who is providing care for his child?

There are no child care expenses at this point. The child comes into the office with me, and on days that he's grumpy, I telecommute.

A big can of worms that lies won't help.

Again, I'm NOT suggesting that I lie to the GAL. I'm asking about my situation, which is that the BF is working on the day that the GAL is scheduled to be at my house. The FACT is that he hasn't been home/having an influence on the kids since... November (spent a weekend) - so yeah, in a way I do feel that it would be unfair to all of us to have him home for several hours of which we're being 'evaluated' when that's not a 'real' snapshot of our current lives.

I never once said that I was breaking up with him OR telling the GAL that I was broken up with him. I asked if I should tell her that he's not living there at this time - because really - he's not.

 

[CJane]

LOL

Rmet, I know you have issues with me, and someday I might care enough to figure out why.

However... YES, the ex knows I was in an accident. He knows I was in the accident with no insurance. He also knows that I've already paid the guy for the damage to his vehicle.

And yeah, I'm guessing the ex knows how many miles I've put on my car since he knows how far I choose to live from work. And, considering that I was married to the man for almost my entire adult life (married at 21, divorced at 30) and on average put 30,000 miles on a car in a year, I don't know why he'd assume that had changed. We live in the boonies and work in the city - that didn't change for either one of us.

I also fail to see the inconsistencies you keep trying to point out. I still live in the same metro area, so that hasn't changed... I still have family in the area (my father, step mother, 3 step sisters, 2 real sisters and my mother/step father/other 2 sisters live less than 2 hours away). And I DO have the kids 57% of the time. How would the new wife being the child care provider translate to dad having the kids? He's not there when they get off the bus in the afternoon, or 1.5 hours later when I pick them up. He doesn't see them on my days.

If you're going to try to make me sound like a liar, at least come up with something better than confirming my information.

 

[bononos]

Just a heads up.
I know my fiance, and father to my older son, was leery on being a part of the evaluation both for himself and our son together.
It can be awkward and he may just not want to have to be involved.
I think, but of course no magic 8-ball today, that your BF is using work as an excuse to try to get out of this, plus you've known about this for so long, he should have requested time off for this a long time ago.
You may need to light a match under his butt, and make him realize how important this is.

 

[CJane]

Just a question here not a judgement.....has your boyfriend actually asked for that day off yet?

It seems like he has been working like crazy, his boss would be an absolute jerk to not recognize the fact that he has a family and would need one day to deal with some family issues

Yes, he's requested the day off. He was told that he couldn't have it off because from where he is to where we are is over an hour... so he'd need to have at least 1/2 the day for the trip, the visit and the return trip. Also, I was told by the GAL that having him 'show up in time for the appointment' was unacceptable. That she wants to come over 'on a Saturday when he's spent at least 2 days at home' so that she can see how we interact as a family, not have us (the kids) excited to have him home and distracted by his presence. Those are her words, not mine.

So, it's this rock and a hard place thing. Rescheduling isn't an option, as another continuance 1) would not be granted according to the judge 2) no way I can afford for this to continue much longer 3) there's no guarantee that his schedule will improve prior to summer 4) it's already been going on for almost a year.

I honestly have no idea how to do this thing this weekend.

Stealth ~ I'm not saying I don't trust my attorney. But I know she's human, and people aren't right about everything. I still can't wrap my head around 'he needs to quit his job, or you need to kick him to the curb'. Essentially, that's what she thinks I'm looking at, and I need to know if it really is that cut and dry.

 

[CJane]

I think, but of course no magic 8-ball today, that your BF is using work as an excuse to try to get out of this, plus you've known about this for so long, he should have requested time off for this a long time ago.
You may need to light a match under his butt, and make him realize how important this is.

I haven't known about this appointment for all that long. It was scheduled 10 days ago or so. It's the 3rd time we've tried to schedule this.

The job that's keeping him from being there on Saturday is actually a new job, which is part of the problem.

He KNOWS it's important. It's not the first custody thing he's been involved in (he successfully won custody of his now 11 year old son when the boy was an infant.) - but that doesn't change the fact that his boss is an a$$.

 

[bononos]

Yes, he's requested the day off. He was told that he couldn't have it off because from where he is to where we are is over an hour... so he'd need to have at least 1/2 the day for the trip, the visit and the return trip. Also, I was told by the GAL that having him 'show up in time for the appointment' was unacceptable. That she wants to come over 'on a Saturday when he's spent at least 2 days at home' so that she can see how we interact as a family, not have us (the kids) excited to have him home and distracted by his presence. Those are her words, not mine.

So, it's this rock and a hard place thing. Rescheduling isn't an option, as another continuance 1) would not be granted according to the judge 2) no way I can afford for this to continue much longer 3) there's no guarantee that his schedule will improve prior to summer 4) it's already been going on for almost a year.

I honestly have no idea how to do this thing this weekend.

Stealth ~ I'm not saying I don't trust my attorney. But I know she's human, and people aren't right about everything. I still can't wrap my head around 'he needs to quit his job, or you need to kick him to the curb'. Essentially, that's what she thinks I'm looking at, and I need to know if it really is that cut and dry.

This is a court order, right?
Fax his boss over a copy. Tell him BF may face jail for violation of a CO if he isn't allowed the time off.

 

[CJane]

This is a court order, right?
Fax his boss over a copy. Tell him BF may face jail for violation of a CO if he isn't allowed the time off.

No, it's not court ordered that the BF be there. At least, not that I can tell. Techinically, he's not a party to the custody action, so it would be my understanding that his presence is totally voluntary.

Ok, I think we're off on a tangent on this one.

The BF cannot be there. Unless something huge happens between now and Saturday morning, that's just a fact of life.

So, I either need to figure out how to do damage control with the GAL and still be with the BF or I need to know how to do damage control w/the GAL having broken up with him. I KNOW that either way, it's not good. I just need to know the best way to handle it. And lying isn't an option, regardless of how my other posts were interpreted. I have NO intention of lying to anyone, and even if I did, I totally suck at it.

So, the facts are these.

I moved in w/BF in June.
He started working out of town in August. At that time, he was coming home one weekend a month - making sure that was a weekend that the kids were home so he could spend time with them too.
He started doing side jobs at his non-local location which made it more difficult to come home, and starting in November, he'd come home one Saturday/month from around 6am until around 4pm so he was only losing one day of work.
He worked through the holidays and was home for 2 days in December - neither of which the kids were home for, and neither of which did he even spend the night.
He was home in Jan when the baby was born... literally arrived 4 hours before the birth (which was on a Saturday), and started his new jobs (one driving a truck and one remodeling a house) on Monday.
Since then (for the past 6 weeks, exactly) he's been at the house 2x for a few hours, again not spending the night, and since it was during the day, the kids weren't home.

The only time the kids have spent time with him since November was when the baby was born and we were all in the hospital... and since it was the ex's weekend, the kids were only there for about an hour.

 

[weenor]

The reason I made the suggestions I did in my post was certainly not because I assumed you would lie...I just think that you are too far along with b/f and new baby to just kick him to the curb now because it would look strange to the GAL.

 

[CJane]

The reason I made the suggestions I did in my post was certainly not because I assumed you would lie...I just think that you are too far along with b/f and new baby to just kick him to the curb now because it would look strange to the GAL.

Exactly! I feel as if I'm stuck between choosing to not lose my older kids (ex is attempting to get full custody w/me having EOW-supervised) at the expense of my younger child/my relationship with his father.

IMO, it's an untenable position to be in, but that's what my attorney is saying I have to do.

 

[Zephyr]

OK CJane- and I really am not being mean at al here, but he's going to have to be there, if he is a valuable employee at the company they will give him the time off, he needs to take that time regardless- he can always find another second job, he only has one shot with this GAL.

and if he doesn't take it and things go against you in court, that will totally undermine your relationship with him anyway, possibly even destroy it.

can you picture what you will be thinking if things don't go your way "I lost in court because he wouldn't take a day off of work" "his job is more important than my kids/our family"

and this isn't the "bread and butter on the table job" this is the "save money faster to build a house job"

the "saving schedule" can handle a couple week setback, given what's at stake here


all my opinion.....but if it were me I would demand he would be home....

 

[bononos]

OK CJane- and I really am not being mean at al here, but he's going to have to be there, if he is a valuable employee at the company they will give him the time off, he needs to take that time regardless- he can always find another second job, he only has one shot with this GAL.

and if he doesn't take it and things go against you in court, that will totally undermine your relationship with him anyway, possibly even destroy it.

can you picture what you will be thinking if things don't go your way "I lost in court because he wouldn't take a day off of work" "his job is more important than my kids/our family"

and this isn't the "bread and butter on the table job" this is the "save money faster to build a house job"

the "saving schedule" can handle a couple week setback, given what's at stake here


all my opinion.....but if it were me I would demand he would be home....

Well Said!

 

[CJane]

and if he doesn't take it and things go against you in court, that will totally undermine your relationship with him anyway, possibly even destroy it.


all my opinion.....but if it were me I would demand he would be home....

This is pretty much where I am. I KNOW that if I 'lose' because he wasn't here, that we're done regardless of everything else.

So, I suppose, if I'm still operating on the knowledge that he can't be here (because this second job is way more bread and butter than the daytime one - it's a $13000 contract that'll be done in June)... how on earth do I explain the situation to the GAL? Do I just flat out tell her that I ditched this guy because he couldn't/wouldn't get the time off work? How do I explain to the GAL something that doesn't even make sense to me?

And here's the other issue. I KNOW that in the future, any involvement I have with a man is going to result in the ex causing problems and dragging me back into court. So, even if I win this round, I'm looking forward to 12 more years of this crap... How does one deal with THAT? Is it something that I can ask the GAL about?

One more thing... IF the judge rules in favor of the ex... is that usually immediate? Court is on a Monday - would it happen that I'd go into court on Monday morning after dropping the kids off at school, and then not be able to see them for 2 weeks?

Is it appropriate to ask the GAL how to prepare the kids for that possibility? Can I ask her that IF she's going to recommend the custody change in favor of the ex's plan, that she also recommend counseling for the kids? They'd be going from spending nearly 60% of their time with me to spending 4 days/month - thats huge.