Getting deadbeat mom's attention

[fairisfair]

Actually....If Dad were to say to Mom " If you don't pay your support I will do blah blah blah..." That very well COULD be blackmail.

But as you say it is a really bad plan.

actually, no blackmail is the crime of threatening NOT to WITHHOLD the information. it is NOT the revealing of information.

I seriously doubt that dad has been witholding the fact that mom doesn't pay her support.

 

[proud_parent]

... my husband wants her new future victim to see what type of woman he's marrying...

As he's no longer married to the woman, why does her remarriage concern him? Does he fancy himself a humanitarian for warning other males about her? Frankly, if your husband demonstrates such concern about his ex's current love affairs, perhaps you ought to examine what that portends for your own relationship.

...as well as embarrass her for not supporting the two children she has brought into the world previously
...Basically, humiliate her into paying to shut us up?

You and your husband both need to consider the example your rabid hunger to embarrass and to humiliate another human being is setting for the children.

Since I've been attacked, let me explain my "place"...

Good, I presume you'll sit by politely while the woman you came here expressly to attack explains her position. Shall we invite her to join in?

And yes, she owes "US" the money. When my husband and I combine our incomes and money comes out of our mutual account to make up for his ex's financial failings, then the recoupment we get is OUR reimbursement.

Your mental model of how child support debt works is not legally correct. Care to test your theory? See whether, in the event that your husband dies or you two divorce before the children are 18, the court orders that you be reimbursed for your share of what his ex still "owes" you.

...my step-son refers to her as "the skank".

And is he punished for saying this? The woman may well deserve the label, but such disrespectful speech from a child toward a parent ought not to be tolerated. There are other, less vulgar, ways for him to express his disappointment in and disagreement with his mother's lifestyle choices.

I can only imagine what a child who is allowed to utter such epithets with impunity says about his father and step-mother when they are out of earshot.

 

[txrose1998]

I was in no way attacking you. I was asking you to think about what it could do to the kids if you put up posters like that. You can say all you want to about the history of your relationship with the children, but they're not your children. They're your step-children.

Yes, the mom sounds like a deadbeat. Yes, you have done a great job being there for the kids and treating them as if they're your own. It's sad that the mother would purposely taunt your husband about ducking CS. But, seriously...you & your husband need to be the better person here. Think about what type of lesson this is going to teach the kids by viewing your actions. What is that teaching them? No matter how you, your husband or the kids feel about her, she's still their mother. And they may call her "the skank" in front of you guys, but you know deep down inside, they're probably wishing she WASN'T like that. Don't stoop to her level. In the big picture, it boils down to money. Is it really worth it? Enjoy your time with the kids. Love every moment you spend with them and be the example of a GOOD parent. No amount of money can replace the quality time you & your husband spend with the kids. Focus on that instead of "revenge".

I would like to personally applaud this post! I agree with every word. But I would also through in there that you AND YOUR HUSBAND should not allow these children to call their mother a "skank." Part of the CP's job is to facilitate a relationship between the children and the NCP. This is not helping.

 

[maryjo]

Do you really think it would be fair to the kids to have "wanted" posters of their own mother all over town? Think about it for a minute...

I am glad you pointed that out. The whole situation is bad enough for the kids but is that REALLY the best thing to do to help the situation?

Since I've been attacked, let me explain my "place" as one poster put it.

My "place" has been with these kids since my step-son was 3 yrs. old and my step-daughter was 18 months old b/c their "mother" decided she'd rather bar hop, have abortions and chase men instead of own up to her obligation of being their mother. She fell in and out of their lives with a different boyfriend to introduce them to every few months. My "place" was beside my step-children when they were in therapy because of their mother's mental and emotional abuse of them. My "place" was holding their hands when they were sick or needed their immunizations. My "place" was taking them to dental appts. and gymnastics class. My "place" was sitting in the stands cheering on my step-son as he ran track. My "place" was arranging their b-day parties and sleep overs. My "place" was to raise them, love them and worry about them while apparently being expected to bow down to the biological egg donor whenever she had a spare hour every few months to show up to call herself "momma", but never put any positive action behind it. And even tough evil ol' stepmom asked this question of the forum, it might interest you to know that the kids have not even seen their mother in over a year of their own choosing.

And yes, she owes "US" the money. When my husband and I combine our incomes and money comes out of our mutual account to make up for his ex's financial failings, then the recoupment we get is OUR reimbursement. Frankly, the kids don't care what we do to their bio egg donor because she's never done a thing for them. They know how she conducts her life from their sporatic visits with her and my step-son refers to her as "the skank". They've seen the random beer cans sittiing about her run down house, they watched her lose custody of their half-sister for physical abuse and she actually took my 14 year old step-daughter to the strip club she was working in at one point!

She lives 30 minutes away from us so I hardly think the kids would even see a poster of her. And as I've pointed out in my original post, deadbeat parents photos are plastered on pizza boxes, their names listed in newspapers, their faces on the internet. If no one has an objection to that, what's so wrong with my husband's idea? But thank you to all those who responded with an attack on the character of the people who have scarificed for these kids instead of the person who abandoned them emotionally and financially. And one more point, yes the bio egg donor paid a paultry sum toward her arrearage; however, she hasn't paid a dime since Feb. 2007. But she did stop long enough to put a stamp on an envelope that had a note inside that said "Don't you wish you knew where I was working so you could get some child support? Ha!"

For the OP, let me say this. I am sure you are a perfectly wonderful, caring, concerned and involved step parent to these children. Its probably true that if not for you then they wouldnt have had much maternal imput into their lives. Its a wonderful thing that you have been there for them all this time, especially when you didnt have to be. Which leads me to ask this. Their FATHER is their PARENT. Where was he when it came to the kids being sick, having birthday parties, taking them to appointments...etc? He should have been the one to do that. And if YOU choose to, or assumed you should because you were the wife, then thats your problem. But the fact remains that you are a legal stranger to them and you didnt have to do that stuff. And because you did it, that still doesnt give you any more leverage when it comes to legal matters...or even child support.

Its amazing to me that after all the years this has obviously been going on, that you and dad are still so bitter! Its clear to me, and probably everyone else here, that their MOTHER is never going to be more than what she already is. And she isnt going to all of a sudden show up with thousands of dollars in back child support ready to be the mother she never has been. So I think its time you all get over the money she owes the kid's FATHER and the way she acts, and just get on with your lives.

Occassionally my son will say something negative about his father. I dont stand for it for a second! I dont talk bad about his dad in front of him and I wont let him do it either. I realize my son is upset still about what his father did but he doesnt understand all the aspects and neither do your step children understand anything more than what they hear from you, since you said yourself they havent seen her in a year. I think you need to back off all this anger and revenge and just let it be.

Also, kids tend to say things about one parent, in front of the OTHER parent, to make that parent feel better or to get on their good side. Its a game. But if my son ever said something as deregatory about his father like your step son said about his mother...it would be the LAST time he said it!

It sounds like you and dad, while well meaning, are only fostering a deep seeded anger in your family. Its time to let it go and move on. Maybe get some counseling for everyone. Its very strange that they have been divorced this long and dad still feels the need to "warn" new men in her life. You really might want to discuss that with him.

 

[Confuzed80]

Getting dead beet mom's attention

Yea I believe u can be sued for harrassment,and maybe even deframation of charecter, that is until a judge says she is guilty of not paying her support. Id tell ur husband to have a "bonding" 1 on 1 with the new guy but he probably is a lot like her anyways since birds of a feather ya kno, he prob wont care cuz he has kids he isnt payin for somewhere. And about the money, try to petition for a judge to garnish her wages. If u guys can prove, which Im sure u can, that this is a normal cycle for the x wife of payin a lil after she gets taken to court and then stoppin any type of payment shortly after. And thWhat is the name of your state? Rhode Island

I recently moved into a house owned by the daughter of someone I go to church with. This was February 6th, because of my connection with her she didnt make me sign a lease. We decided on a verbal agreement that was month to month, but she had said that she hopes Im there for a long long time cuz she just wanted someone she could finally trust living in her house.
From the beginning I could tell this was probably a mistake. Since the day I moved in until this very second the house is still full of her belongings, i.e furniture, nik naks, books, pictures, bikes, dishes, lamps etc. So much of her stuff that I had to put some of my belongins into storage which I didnt mind at first cuz she promised she wouwld be getting her things out soon. T o this day she hasnt moved anything and has actually told ppl from the church that I go through her things.
I have only been here for 2 months so rent issues havent been a problem, however I think I made a bad mistake. She had asked me to pay her in cash for sum reason initially and I didnt question it cuz I thought wow this is someone who helped me out and I can trust.
Long story short I have been left out of the blue 2 nasty nasty voicemails saying I have ruined her house, I have bad mouthed her over all over town, I owe her 1800 bucks and that she cant afford to "carry" me, and that Im an awful person who went thru her personal stuff. Then I get a post card in the mail 2 days ago sayin that I have to be out of her house by May 1st because I have repeatedly broken her rules and owe her back rent.
Honestly I have paid in full, why would I lie on here.

My question is this... I have read and reread the RI landlord/tenant law handbook and still dont know if she can legally thro me out in 14 days. It stated that a verbal month to month can be terminated for no reason by the landlord, but she has to send me by 1st class mail a specific form and that im supposed to recieve this form atleast 30 days b4 she wants me out.

However, she sent me that post card and left emails saying that I owe her money and that I have broken her rules (like smoking in the house). Since that postcard stated that she felt that I did owe money and I did breach the agreement (btw it was verbal and she never ever gave me any rules besides just makin sure to be clean and do general good upkeep) but since she felt I did these things shouldnt she be legally evicting me for failure to pay and breach of contract? I mean if she just wanted me gone she coulda just filled out that cheesy document and sent it but I have proof of her accusations, so technically she is evicting me for "real" reasons.

O and I have come across a huge amount of minimum building code requirements that she is really lacking on, 1 of which is the 2nd floor apartment only has 1 entrance and it is supposed to have 2 different ways of exiting to the ground. Basically she shouldnt even be renting this place to ppl, I doubt she is claiming the extra income, and now she is trashing my good name all over and is making me scared to death by saying I have no place to live in 13 days... What should I do?????

Sorry I was so long winded, I just have seriously had it with her and am at my witts end.. Thanks for any help**************....ayin again once she is brought back to court. The judge will definately do somethin.

 

[Silverplum]

???
I think you posted your reply in the wrong thread, Confuzed.

 

[TheGeekess]

???
I think you posted your reply in the wrong thread, Confuzed.

Or, it's a not-so-clever hijack.

 

[Gracie3787]

I have a novel idea OP,

Your husband should take his ex back to court, again. And keep taking her to court every single time she goes 30 days or longer without making a payment. Easy, no worry about harrassment.

 

[NITM]

I feel it would be best to just keep taking the mom back to court. You'd think with the way she stops paying so often, they'd have to take stronger action against her. They'll eventually get tired of seeing you in there and do something. Believe me, I know the court system can be extremely frustrating (in CA anyway), and I feel for you there.

I must say that a lot of you stepmoms out there are much nicer than I am. There is no way in heck that I would EVER pay one penny of my husband's child support! It's HIS kid and HIS responsibility, not mine. So sorry! And we keep our accounts/incomes completely separate because of that. It's also a great way to prevent arguments about money.

 

[Supermomma]

your husband may be the more responsible parent, but I wouldnt say he is the better parent, and you certainly arent the better mother. As a matter of fact, you ARE NOT the mother. So what you have taken care of them all this time. If you two allow son to talk about mom that way, I cant imagine how foul he speaks of others. No wonder they are in therapy. The fact that your child called mom names and you r prepared to reduce to humiliating mom for money doesnt say much about you or dad's character. That was your choice. If mom doesnt do her part, take her to court as much as possible, but in the mean time, enjoy HIS kids and appreciate all the work you put in to raise them.

 

[Rushia]

your husband may be the more responsible parent, but I wouldnt say he is the better parent, and you certainly arent the better mother. As a matter of fact, you ARE NOT the mother. So what you have taken care of them all this time.

How very correct. OP is not the mother.

If you two allow son to talk about mom that way, I cant imagine how foul he speaks of others. No wonder they are in therapy.

Agreed, disgusting behavior.

The fact that your child called mom names and you r prepared to reduce to humiliating mom for money doesnt say much about you or dad's character That was your choice.

Be very careful. The child is not OP's child. Don't encourage the overstepping stepparent.

If mom doesnt do her part, take her to court as much as possible, but in the mean time, enjoy HIS kids and appreciate all the work you put in to raise them.

Once again, be careful of your wording. OP cannot take mom to court for CS. You meant to say DAD should take her to court as much as possible, right?

 

[MrsK]

OP-

WHy dont you adopt these children? Then YOU will be their mother, and you wont have to worry about their current mother not paying child support.

Everyone wins

 

[CLBKLCDTB]

Since I've been attacked, let me explain my "place" as one poster put it.

My "place" has been with these kids since my step-son was 3 yrs. old and my step-daughter was 18 months old b/c their "mother" decided she'd rather bar hop, have abortions and chase men instead of own up to her obligation of being their mother. She fell in and out of their lives with a different boyfriend to introduce them to every few months. My "place" was beside my step-children when they were in therapy because of their mother's mental and emotional abuse of them. My "place" was holding their hands when they were sick or needed their immunizations. My "place" was taking them to dental appts. and gymnastics class. My "place" was sitting in the stands cheering on my step-son as he ran track. My "place" was arranging their b-day parties and sleep overs. My "place" was to raise them, love them and worry about them while apparently being expected to bow down to the biological egg donor whenever she had a spare hour every few months to show up to call herself "momma", but never put any positive action behind it. And even tough evil ol' stepmom asked this question of the forum, it might interest you to know that the kids have not even seen their mother in over a year of their own choosing.

And yes, she owes "US" the money. When my husband and I combine our incomes and money comes out of our mutual account to make up for his ex's financial failings, then the recoupment we get is OUR reimbursement. Frankly, the kids don't care what we do to their bio egg donor because she's never done a thing for them. They know how she conducts her life from their sporatic visits with her and my step-son refers to her as "the skank". They've seen the random beer cans sittiing about her run down house, they watched her lose custody of their half-sister for physical abuse and she actually took my 14 year old step-daughter to the strip club she was working in at one point!

She lives 30 minutes away from us so I hardly think the kids would even see a poster of her. And as I've pointed out in my original post, deadbeat parents photos are plastered on pizza boxes, their names listed in newspapers, their faces on the internet. If no one has an objection to that, what's so wrong with my husband's idea? But thank you to all those who responded with an attack on the character of the people who have scarificed for these kids instead of the person who abandoned them emotionally and financially. And one more point, yes the bio egg donor paid a paultry sum toward her arrearage; however, she hasn't paid a dime since Feb. 2007. But she did stop long enough to put a stamp on an envelope that had a note inside that said "Don't you wish you knew where I was working so you could get some child support? Ha!"

Your "place" is your husbands wife. Thats where is ends legaly(as far as the children are concerned).

Mom owes child support to her CHILDREN, Not to YOU or your husband.

If your husband is serious about collecting let him do it legaly. It is HIS ilegal issue. :

Sounds like you are enjoying your husband wanting to humiliate his ex. To bad it will also hurt the children.

YOU have no legal standing as far as the children are concerned, no matter how long you have been with thier father.

 

[Becki C.]

I am so amazed that no one answered one important question in my post. If it is o.k. to put the faces of deadbeat parents on pizza boxes and post their faces online and their names in newspapers, then why are we terrible people? What is the big difference in my husband's idea and those ideas?

Again, whether I am the "legal" step-parent or not, if I invest my time, my love and my concern into your upbringing, I'm not going to stand by like a knot on a log and not have my opinion heard. I'm not a "silent partner" in this deal. If I treated my bio children different from my step-kids, everyone would be attacking me telling me how awful I am for not being involved; however, because I am willing to fight just like I would for my own bio kids, now I'm forgetting my "place". Do I love them equally or not? Do I treat them equally or not? If I "treat" you like my bio kids, then you ARE my bio kids. In my belief, I don't have to give birth to you to be your mother. You're "mother" sits with you when you're sick, takes you to parties, makes sure you have your vitamins everyday, helps you with your homework, takes you to the doctor, is there for the fun stuff like going to the zoo and the not so fun stuff like dental visits, etc. You cannot say to me "Well, you better treat the step-kids the same as your bio kids and be ready to live and die for them the same and all that, but by the way, remember you're a nobody who sleeps with the bio dad. The person who abandoned them is still more important." I don't believe that and never will.

The bio mom isn't going to get away with not paying just because she's being difficult about it. That's not the way it works as far as I'm concerned. We, that's right, "WE" will chase her until she dies or we do. Just because she decided she didn't want the bother of raising her children after she had them and walked off doesn't mean her obligation to them is over. You had 'em, you're going to help out financially. Period. I'm amazed at how lax some of your attitudes are toward the mother. The "oh well, just let it go" type of mentality. That's why people get away with so much today. No one wants to put in the time or effort to put these people's feet to the fire and see that they pay for what they've done. I can't believe everyone is saying that a piece of garbage that abandons her children is "still their mother". Not in my book. Remember this: Any animal can give birth. That doesn't make it a mother. If I am in the "mother" position, I am going to speak for, defend and raise these kids as if I am the mother.

For the poster who asked, we have approached the biological egg donor about adoption of the kids she obviously doesn't want, and she said she'd fight us on that unless we "write off" all the child support she owes. Well, in the state of Tennessee you can't just go into court and say, "We want to let the non-custodial parent off the hook for all the cs she owes". She legally has to pay whatever added up prior to the adoption. Therefore, a lawyer said to force her into an adoption will be very costly. Over $3,000.00. That is alot of money for us.

Additionally, the reason my husband said he wanted to warn her new victim is because the half-sibling to my step-kids that she just lost custody of is an issue. If she has another child and ends up abusing it to the point it is taken from her, that's more emotional baggage for my stepkids. And everytime their mother has another child, they say, "Why does she keep having kids? She didn't want to keep us, why does she want another one?" What should I say to that?

And I have told my step-son that his comment is inappropriate; however, when I told the therapist about it, she said he needs to vent his years of anger and frustration. She said if all he does to "act out" is call the bio egg donor a "skank", we're lucky. She said alot of kids turn to drugs and alcohol, have problems with the law, etc. She said to allow him to get those feelings out, even if it's hard to hear because in the long run it's healthy for him.

And again, I don't have to speak ill of her in front of them. I believe I mentioned earlier that she took my step-daughter on a field trip to the strip club she worked at, my step-daughter came home complaining of the beer cans sitting all over her "mom's" house and the random men she thrust in their lives, as well as my step-daughter choosing on her own to go to court and testify against her "mom" for the abuse she witnessed her then 4 year old half-sibling go through. A 14 yr. old and a 17 yr. old aren't as blind as a 3 and 4 year old would be to those obvious signs of abuse and bad living conditions.

Since we're taking the high ground here, I trust no one on this forum is taking their ex to court for cs. I mean, wouldn't that hurt your kids to know mom is dragging dad to court to squeeze money out of him? Wouldn't it be detrimental to the kids if they found out mommie was trying to have daddy thrown in jail over something as petty as money? Why not just enjoy your kids and leave the non-custodial parent alone, right? Let's just be grateful for all the time we have with the kids and screw the financial help?

Lastly, she has been charged with contempt three times and has yet to spend one day behind bars. We can't afford a lawyer at this point and in our juvenile court here, it takes 8 to 12 months to get a court date without an attorney. Did we file yet another contempt charge? Yes, we have. And in the meantime, we still have no cs coming in.

If anyone possibly could, please answer the various questions I have posted. Thank you in advance.

 

[SopranoKris]

Here's another thought. If you're so gung-ho about getting your husband's ex publicly displayed as a deadbeat, then why don't you contact the organizations that have the deadbeat parents printed on the pizza boxes and newspapers that you keep touting over & over? Or look up harrassment laws in your state. Better yet...call an attorney and ASK about it. Gee what a novel concept

Then you'll get the answer to the question that you so desperately seek because you won't listen to a word from people who are only taking the CHILDREN'S best interests to heart. You're so wrapped up in your opinon about why you're step-mom-of-the-year that you can't see how your intended action could be detrimental to the kids. Enjoy those extra therapy sessions, they're going to need it. Oh wait, since all you care about is "getting the money you deserve", you're not going to crack open the wallet for that. Now those poor kids are getting it from both sides. Good example to set for them. Bravo to you