Getting deadbeat mom's attention

[txrose1998]

I am so amazed that no one answered one important question in my post. If it is o.k. to put the faces of deadbeat parents on pizza boxes and post their faces online and their names in newspapers, then why are we terrible people? What is the big difference in my husband's idea and those ideas?

Again, whether I am the "legal" step-parent or not, if I invest my time, my love and my concern into your upbringing, I'm not going to stand by like a knot on a log and not have my opinion heard. I'm not a "silent partner" in this deal. If I treated my bio children different from my step-kids, everyone would be attacking me telling me how awful I am for not being involved; however, because I am willing to fight just like I would for my own bio kids, now I'm forgetting my "place". Do I love them equally or not? Do I treat them equally or not? If I "treat" you like my bio kids, then you ARE my bio kids. In my belief, I don't have to give birth to you to be your mother. You're "mother" sits with you when you're sick, takes you to parties, makes sure you have your vitamins everyday, helps you with your homework, takes you to the doctor, is there for the fun stuff like going to the zoo and the not so fun stuff like dental visits, etc. You cannot say to me "Well, you better treat the step-kids the same as your bio kids and be ready to live and die for them the same and all that, but by the way, remember you're a nobody who sleeps with the bio dad. The person who abandoned them is still more important." I don't believe that and never will.

The bio mom isn't going to get away with not paying just because she's being difficult about it. That's not the way it works as far as I'm concerned. We, that's right, "WE" will chase her until she dies or we do. Just because she decided she didn't want the bother of raising her children after she had them and walked off doesn't mean her obligation to them is over. You had 'em, you're going to help out financially. Period. I'm amazed at how lax some of your attitudes are toward the mother. The "oh well, just let it go" type of mentality. That's why people get away with so much today. No one wants to put in the time or effort to put these people's feet to the fire and see that they pay for what they've done. I can't believe everyone is saying that a piece of garbage that abandons her children is "still their mother". Not in my book. Remember this: Any animal can give birth. That doesn't make it a mother. If I am in the "mother" position, I am going to speak for, defend and raise these kids as if I am the mother.

For the poster who asked, we have approached the biological egg donor about adoption of the kids she obviously doesn't want, and she said she'd fight us on that unless we "write off" all the child support she owes. Well, in the state of Tennessee you can't just go into court and say, "We want to let the non-custodial parent off the hook for all the cs she owes". She legally has to pay whatever added up prior to the adoption. Therefore, a lawyer said to force her into an adoption will be very costly. Over $3,000.00. That is alot of money for us.

Additionally, the reason my husband said he wanted to warn her new victim is because the half-sibling to my step-kids that she just lost custody of is an issue. If she has another child and ends up abusing it to the point it is taken from her, that's more emotional baggage for my stepkids. And everytime their mother has another child, they say, "Why does she keep having kids? She didn't want to keep us, why does she want another one?" What should I say to that?

And I have told my step-son that his comment is inappropriate; however, when I told the therapist about it, she said he needs to vent his years of anger and frustration. She said if all he does to "act out" is call the bio egg donor a "skank", we're lucky. She said alot of kids turn to drugs and alcohol, have problems with the law, etc. She said to allow him to get those feelings out, even if it's hard to hear because in the long run it's healthy for him.

And again, I don't have to speak ill of her in front of them. I believe I mentioned earlier that she took my step-daughter on a field trip to the strip club she worked at, my step-daughter came home complaining of the beer cans sitting all over her "mom's" house and the random men she thrust in their lives, as well as my step-daughter choosing on her own to go to court and testify against her "mom" for the abuse she witnessed her then 4 year old half-sibling go through. A 14 yr. old and a 17 yr. old aren't as blind as a 3 and 4 year old would be to those obvious signs of abuse and bad living conditions.

Since we're taking the high ground here, I trust no one on this forum is taking their ex to court for cs. I mean, wouldn't that hurt your kids to know mom is dragging dad to court to squeeze money out of him? Wouldn't it be detrimental to the kids if they found out mommie was trying to have daddy thrown in jail over something as petty as money? Why not just enjoy your kids and leave the non-custodial parent alone, right? Let's just be grateful for all the time we have with the kids and screw the financial help?

Lastly, she has been charged with contempt three times and has yet to spend one day behind bars. We can't afford a lawyer at this point and in our juvenile court here, it takes 8 to 12 months to get a court date without an attorney. Did we file yet another contempt charge? Yes, we have. And in the meantime, we still have no cs coming in.

If anyone possibly could, please answer the various questions I have posted. Thank you in advance.

Try to listen. The people here are not lax about "deadbeat" parents who walk away from their obligations. There are many, many people on this forum who are owed twice the amount you are. But here is the thing, we understand how the system works, how time-consuming and costly it can be to force someone to pay that does not want to or cannot be found. IMHO, it is not really worth most of the hassle. That does not make it right. It just makes it....life. And every 5 year old can tell you that life just is not fair sometimes.

Also, as far as your STEP-son venting his feelings, yes....that is healthy. But I bet dollars to donuts, that the therapist would have meant something more like keeping a journal about his feelings, not calling his mom a "skank."

Also, stepparents can love their step-children, they can get involved in their lives. But the important thing to realize is this is not your battle. It will take a lot of stress of you once you do. This is about your husband and his ex. Let them battle it out.....just take a deep breath and back away.

As far as using pictures, flashing her all over town as a "deadbeat" mom....do you really think that is going to help?? HOnestly?? Someone who does not want to pay CS, is not going to pay. Refer back to the first paragraph of my post. I have humliated my ex to his family and friends in telephone calls....but you know what...that does not bring me any closer the $18k that he owes me. All it does is make me more frustrated and aggravated. And who wants their life wrapped up in that?

Please read this. Please try to comprehend that no is really "Bashing you" or being "lax on deadbeats," we just want you to see what the outcome will probably be.

 

[proud_parent]

If anyone possibly could, please answer the various questions I have posted. Thank you in advance.

All right, I'll oblige. My apologies in advance if I fail to address each and every one of your questions.

So.....why not "wanted posters"? Any thoughts?

Yes, many thoughts...several of which I'm too polite to post here. The rest I posted previously.

.....can we get sued if we try to pursue child support in this way? Basically, humiliate her into paying to shut us up?

Sure, you could get sued. Persons have brought suit for more frivolous reasons than this. Now, whether a judge would hear such a case is another matter. Besides which, if the mother is so far in arrears, I anticipate that she might not be eager to spend the money or to take time away from her livelihood to pursue a case in court.

If it is o.k. to put the faces of deadbeat parents on pizza boxes and post their faces online and their names in newspapers, then why are we terrible people? What is the big difference in my husband's idea and those ideas?

Unless you left out a critical detail, neither you nor your husband are the Attorney General of Tennessee. You're merely a couple of angry, self-righteous, private citizens bent on exacting your own brand of vigilante justice.

Do I love them equally or not? Do I treat them equally or not?

No one can know the answer to that but you. And even if the truth were that you do treat them differently, I would not expect you to admit it.

And everytime their mother has another child, they say, "Why does she keep having kids? She didn't want to keep us, why does she want another one?" What should I say to that?

Try this: "Children, neither you nor I can ever truly know what is in another person's heart. We can only observe others' behaviors. No matter what your mother has chosen or chooses to do in the future, you must remember that you are worthwhile and that you are loved."

I mean, wouldn't that hurt your kids to know mom is dragging dad to court to squeeze money out of him?

Of course it would. Fortunately, most of us have the wisdom and common decency not to discuss our legal battles with children.

Wouldn't it be detrimental to the kids if they found out mommie was trying to have daddy thrown in jail over something as petty as money?

It might. But mommies don't have daddies thrown in jail or vice versa. If necessary, mommy or daddy brings the matter before the court and a judge determines the outcome, based on the facts of the case.

Why not just enjoy your kids and leave the non-custodial parent alone, right?

Some of us do exactly that.

Let's just be grateful for all the time we have with the kids and screw the financial help?

Despite the punctuation, this is phrased as suggestion rather than a question. So in that case: by all means, let's!


And finally...

Did we file yet another contempt charge? Yes, we have.

Er, no: "we" did not. Your HUSBAND did. And I for one am thrilled to hear it -- that's the first evidence of an appropriate response to the situation that may be attributed from your posts.

 

[Becki C.]

thanks for itemizing my questions and answering them individually. that's all i wanted.

 

[NSA4answers]

If it is o.k. to put the faces of deadbeat parents on pizza boxes and post their faces online and their names in newspapers, then why are we terrible people? What is the big difference in my husband's idea and those ideas?

I think it's more to locate parents shirking child support than to embarass them. I don't think it's a good idea.

Again, whether I am the "legal" step-parent or not,

You're legally a step parent. You're not a LEGAL PARENT.

if I invest my time, my love and my concern into your upbringing, I'm not going to stand by like a knot on a log and not have my opinion heard.

Your opinion is not welcome in any legal setting regarding his kids.

Do I treat them equally or not?

You haven't mentioned anything about ur kids absent parent. Maybe u should focus on him.

In my belief, I don't have to give birth to you to be your mother.

They have a mother. You may not like her and u may not think she's a good mother but ultimately when it comes to CS u have nothing to do with it!

You're "mother" sits with you when you're sick, takes you to parties, makes sure you have your vitamins everyday, helps you with your homework, takes you to the doctor, is there for the fun stuff like going to the zoo and the not so fun stuff like dental visits, etc.

So does a care taker, which is all u are.

You cannot say to me "Well, you better treat the step-kids the same as your bio kids and be ready to live and die for them the same and all that, but by the way, remember you're a nobody who sleeps with the bio dad.

Legally, yes that's all u are.

The person who abandoned them is still more important." I don't believe that and never will.

Their mother will ALWAYS hold more importance to them than u. EVEN THOUGH she may not pay CS as expected, even though they might hate her. SHE will always have a more important place to them than u. WHY? Because she is their mother.

The bio mom isn't going to get away with not paying just because she's being difficult about it.

Probably not, but that has nothing to do with u.

That's not the way it works as far as I'm concerned.

I must have missed the day in court where they ask for how the step parent thinks things should be.

We, that's right, "WE" will chase her until she dies or we do.

You just sat here and went on and on about how u think YOU are their "mother" and they are just as important to u as ur bio kids, but u sure want her money real bad.

You had 'em, you're going to help out financially. Period.

Looks like u want to have all the pleasures of being mom, you just want someone else to foot the bill for it. Selfish much?

I'm amazed at how lax some of your attitudes are toward the mother.

The mother should pay CS. No one disputes that. That being said YOU'RE STILL OUT OF LINE! Your husbands CS has ZERO to do with u. If it did, the court would figure ur income into their CS order. They don't!

The "oh well, just let it go" type of mentality.

No one said that. Pretty much I've seen people say in this thread that DAD needs to handle this the appropriate, legal way.

I can't believe everyone is saying that a piece of garbage that abandons her children is "still their mother".

When did she stop being their mother? Oh right, never.

Not in my book.

No one asked what ur book says.

Remember this: Any animal can give birth. That doesn't make it a mother. If I am in the "mother" position, I am going to speak for, defend and raise these kids as if I am the mother.

You are not in the mother position. You are in the wife position. You are just playing mom because you think you are better than her. You're not speaking for the kids, and you're not defending them. You're speaking for your selfish self, and husband. And you're defending your nasty behavior. Be warey just because you marry a man with kids, and dress up and play mom, does not make you their mother. You want to legally be these kids mother, then stop asking for CS, let mom dissapear and then ask for TPR and adopt these kids based on legal abandonment. Oh wait, that would mean giving up the CS owed, and why would you do that? I mean that's REALLY what you're after here huh? BTW, just out of curiosity, what makes you think that if you and your husband seperated/divorced you'd have any rights to these kids at all? You wont.

For the poster who asked, we have approached the biological egg donor about adoption of the kids she obviously doesn't want, and she said she'd fight us on that unless we "write off" all the child support she owes.

Fair enough. You think you've been their mom all this time anyways. See mom has leverage because all you want is the $$. If you viewed the kids as more important than the $$.... you'd have the leverage.

She legally has to pay whatever added up prior to the adoption. Therefore, a lawyer said to force her into an adoption will be very costly. Over $3,000.00. That is alot of money for us.

I guess people who REALLY want kids will pay what it takes to make them legally theirs.

Additionally, the reason my husband said he wanted to warn her new victim is because the half-sibling to my step-kids that she just lost custody of is an issue.

Not your issue, and not your husbands either.

If she has another child and ends up abusing it to the point it is taken from her, that's more emotional baggage for my stepkids.

Becuase you don't think the way you treat her isn't emotional baggage for them? Because you think that allowing them to call her a skank isn't emotional baggage. You just whined about how she's abandoned them. WTF do you care how many babies she has? If the new spouse of hers can't already see that she's not capable and doesn't take care of her children, THATS NOT YOUR HUSBANDS PROBLEM.

And everytime their mother has another child, they say, "Why does she keep having kids? She didn't want to keep us, why does she want another one?" What should I say to that?

You shouldn't say anything to them. You should tell them that they should ask her that question.

And I have told my step-son that his comment is inappropriate; however, when I told the therapist about it, she said he needs to vent his years of anger and frustration. She said if all he does to "act out" is call the bio egg donor a "skank", we're lucky.

I doubt she called their mother "the bio egg donor."

She said alot of kids turn to drugs and alcohol, have problems with the law, etc. She said to allow him to get those feelings out, even if it's hard to hear because in the long run it's healthy for him.

Yeah I bet hearing him call his mom a skank is so hard for you to hear.

I believe I mentioned earlier that she took my step-daughter on a field trip to the strip club she worked at, my step-daughter came home complaining of the beer cans sitting all over her "mom's" house and the random men she thrust in their lives, as well as my step-daughter choosing on her own to go to court and testify against her "mom" for the abuse she witnessed her then 4 year old half-sibling go through.

Dad probably shouldn't have allowed his daughter to go to the strip club. I'm not sure why you're putting "mom" in quotes.

A 14 yr. old and a 17 yr. old aren't as blind as a 3 and 4 year old would be to those obvious signs of abuse and bad living conditions.

Well good thing dad didn't prove that mom needs supervised visitation since she's so absusive.

I trust no one on this forum is taking their ex to court for cs.

Some of us actually come here for legal advice. My daughters have different fathers. One was just found in contempt because he owes me over $36k in arrears. He's WAY more of a dead beat than ur step kids mother from what u've described. My 2nd daughters father actually pays CS, but I just took him to court to modify it for an increase. I got it. I didn't even have to plaster their face all over town to get those things accomplished.

I mean, wouldn't that hurt your kids to know mom is dragging dad to court to squeeze money out of him?

Unlike u I don't let my kids in on all the things that their dad and I go through. It's called being a parent, and an adult. I allow my kids to love their dad EVEN IF I hate his guts.

Wouldn't it be detrimental to the kids if they found out mommie was trying to have daddy thrown in jail over something as petty as money?

How would they find out? I don't discuss CS with my kids. It's none of their business.

Why not just enjoy your kids and leave the non-custodial parent alone, right?

I can tell u right now with 100% certainty that I would give up all arrears for a step parent adoption.

Let's just be grateful for all the time we have with the kids and screw the financial help?

Their not ur kids, and the financial help is not urs.

Lastly, she has been charged with contempt three times and has yet to spend one day behind bars.

That's what happens when they pay.

We can't afford a lawyer at this point and in our juvenile court here, it takes 8 to 12 months to get a court date without an attorney.

The same court dates are available to those who have attorney's as those who don't.

Did we file yet another contempt charge? Yes, we have. and in the meantime, we still have no cs coming in.

We We We. maybe u should ask ur kids father for ur CS that isn't coming in. It still amusses me that u think you're good enough to be these kids "mom," yet u don't think YOU should support them.

 

[maryjo]

I am so amazed that no one answered one important question in my post. If it is o.k. to put the faces of deadbeat parents on pizza boxes and post their faces online and their names in newspapers, then why are we terrible people? What is the big difference in my husband's idea and those ideas?


Here is a thought. Go ahead and try it. Since you are so bent on destroying this woman in front of her kids then you obviously dont care what the legal ramifications are. However, I dont know that this particular question is right for the child support forum. There might be one more suitable for it.



I have edited the rest of this post so that maybe it will shed light on something....


Again, whether I am the "legal" step-parent or not,
Let me clear it up for you...are ARENT.

I'm not going to stand by like a knot on a log and not have my opinion heard. Of course not. That would be too much like keeping the peace. By all means, add your fuel to the fire.

I'm not a "silent partner" in this deal.
LEGALLY you are. You can nag and annoy the hell out of your husband all you want but legally you are MUTE in the eyes of the judge.

In my belief, I don't have to give birth to you to be your mother.
Your belief doesnt matter. You can lay claim to any kid walking past you but they still wouldnt legally be yours. If that were true then kidnapping wouldnt be a crime.

You're "mother" sits with you when you're sick, takes you to parties, makes sure you have your vitamins everyday, helps you with your homework, takes you to the doctor, is there for the fun stuff like going to the zoo and the not so fun stuff like dental visits, etc.
So do fathers, grandparents, babysitters, teachers, daycare workers, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, friends, etc. And yet that doesnt make ANY of them mothers and only ONE of them can legally do anything. Want to guess which one that is?

You cannot say to me "Well, you better treat the step-kids the same as your bio kids and be ready to live and die for them the same and all that, but by the way, remember you're a nobody who sleeps with the bio dad. The person who abandoned them is still more important." I don't believe that and never will.
Again, doesnt matter what you believe. How you feel towards your STEP children is your business but it means NOTHING to the judge. If their father dropped dead today you would more than likely be saying good bye to those kids. The person YOU say abandoned them IS still more important. She gave birth to them, she is paying child support for them and she still has legal rights to them. Legal right I will, again, remind you that you dont have.

The bio mom isn't going to get away with not paying just because she's being difficult about it. That's not the way it works as far as I'm concerned.
You can look at it however which way you want to. But obviously you are only going to get what you are going to get. Think about it. If a COURT ORDER isnt enough motivation to force her to pay...do you think that putting her picture all around town will be? The only person that is going to look bad is you and your husband. But hey, if you think that worrying your pretty little head about it all the time and keeping yourself and the family in a constant state of stress, bitterness, anger and frustration is the better choice, then by all means...stew away.

We, that's right, "WE" will chase her until she dies or we do.
First thought on this one was Dr. Phil..."Hows that working out for ya?" There is no WE when it comes to your HUSBAND'S child support. There is a HIM. There is a THEM. But there is no WE where YOU are concerned. I am not sure why you cant understand that but its time you faced facts.

Just because she decided she didn't want the bother of raising her children after she had them and walked off doesn't mean her obligation to them is over. You had 'em, you're going to help out financially. Period.
So, you are the judge now? Your word is law, huh? If speaking it made it so I would be thin, beautiful and rich. I think its time you backed off from your self imposed responsibility of someone else's children and let their FATHER worry about it since you are obviously doing nothing but getting all bent out of shape over something you can do nothing about.


I'm amazed at how lax some of your attitudes are toward the mother. The "oh well, just let it go" type of mentality. That's why people get away with so much today. No one wants to put in the time or effort to put these people's feet to the fire and see that they pay for what they've done.
Its amazing to me that you dont get tired of hearing yourself talk about this. I have certainly gotten tired of reading about it. I can just imagine what its like around your house. However, no one here is lax about deadbeat parents. What we dont appreciate is someone who has no legal recourse coming here and expecting us to support them while they start World War 3 with their spouse's ex. Since there is nothing YOU can do about it you shouldnt be asking about it. Tell your husband that if HE wants to know or has questions then HE needs to come here and do it. And just so you know, most of us are ALL too familiar with the overbearing step parent or girl/boyfriend of our ex spouses.

I can't believe everyone is saying that a piece of garbage that abandons her children is "still their mother". Not in my book.
What exactly is this book you speak of? What the title? Did you write it? Again, it doesnt matter what YOU think!! My older sister had all 5 of her children taken away from her. She is thousands and thousands of dollars behind in her child support and will never pay it. Do I agree with her and believe she is right? No. But the point is that her children...yes HER children...still consider her their mother. And thats all that matters. She doesnt even really have any legal right to them anymore but they ALL consider her their mother still. From the youngest who is a teenager now, to the oldest in her 20's with her own child. It isnt YOUR place to put in those kid's minds that their mother is any less their mother just because you dont appreciate or agree with her lifestyle or how she is with HER children.

Remember this: Any animal can give birth. That doesn't make it a mother.
Well, it takes a special person to say something like that about the mother of her "oh so special" step children. Remember, those step kids you are so fiercely protecting and fighting for and wanting custody of...are HALF of that animal you speak of. And by the way, any woman can marry a man who already has children. That doesnt make HER a mother either.

 

[maryjo]

If I am in the "mother" position, I am going to speak for, defend and raise these kids as if I am the mother.
No, you are in the STEP mother position. And considering that they are not even children anymore, they probably wont appreciate you speaking for them. I let my 9 year old speak for himself! Defending them is a different story. Thats great. Wonderful. To be commended. However, legally speaking, you dont have a defense. And you might put in all the work, of your own choosing, but again...that doesnt make you their mother.

we have approached the biological egg donor about adoption of the kids she obviously doesn't want....
See...here is the heart of the problem. You need to STOP refering to her as the biological egg donor. If that was my mother I would probably have told you off by now. I dont care what she had or hadnt done for me. My ex husband's parents both abandonded him with his grandparents. His mother went off to have two more kids and his dad helped raise his wife's nephew. But to this day my ex husband will be the FIRST to defend them and considers his mother practically a saint. You need to back the heck off and let those kids make up their OWN minds and be able to express their true feelings without worrying if they are going to offend you or piss you off.



Additionally, the reason my husband said he wanted to warn her new victim is because the half-sibling to my step-kids that she just lost custody of is an issue. If she has another child and ends up abusing it to the point it is taken from her, that's more emotional baggage for my stepkids. And everytime their mother has another child, they say, "Why does she keep having kids? She didn't want to keep us, why does she want another one?" What should I say to that?
I think those children are getting a little old for that excuse. They are old enough to realize and understand that their mother has problems. There isnt anything they can do to change her but that her behavior shouldnt dictate their's. This is what you need to do with them. Actually, let DAD do it. Get a picture of their mom and tie it to a balloon. Let them think or say whatever they want to about their mom to the picture and then together they let the balloon go. This is to signify that they are letting her and her behavior go and accepting that they can not control or change her. They will probably always love her...but they have to let her go. And then STOP talking about her to them or in front of them.

She said if all he does to "act out" is call the bio egg donor**************......
Again with the bio egg donor. Seriously lady, you are really pushing it.

Since we're taking the high ground here, I trust no one on this forum is taking their ex to court for cs. I mean, wouldn't that hurt your kids to know mom is dragging dad to court to squeeze money out of him? Wouldn't it be detrimental to the kids if they found out mommie was trying to have daddy thrown in jail over something as petty as money? Why not just enjoy your kids and leave the non-custodial parent alone, right? Let's just be grateful for all the time we have with the kids and screw the financial help?
Actually, NO, I am NOT taking my ex back to court for the money he owes. Not just in child support, but also on a credit card he was ordered to pay half of and hasnt paid a dime of. Why would I waste my time, money, and emotions over something that is A.) never going to happen and B.) only going to make the situation worse. Frankly, after YEARS of insanity...I am enjoying my relatively stress free life now. The little he is in my life, the better. I hold no grudges against him. I wish him and his girlfriend all the best. I dont consider her a victim anymore than I consider myself one. And she is finding out all on her own just what she got into with him. But I dont wish anything bad on either of them. I loved that man for a very long time. Loved him enough to want to have his children when I never wanted children before. He is the father of my child and while he is behind on support and while he has his faults...he still loves his child and does what he can when he has him. And I respect that. Would I do things differently if I was in his shoes..HECK YEAH! But I am not. And its not my place to dictate his relationship with his child. I do everything in my power to keep the peace and to handle problems as peacefully as possibly. I do that first for my son's sake. He has seen enough drama to last his lifetime. And secondly I do it for myself. Because I am healing from the past and I dont feel the need to open old wounds or add new ones to them. For me or my ex!And no. I dont see the point in having my ex thrown in jail over child support. If it happens it wont be by my doing. That would be of no help to anyone and it would kill our son to see his daddy go to jail.

Lastly, she has been charged with contempt three times and has yet to spend one day behind bars. Did we file yet another contempt charge? Yes, we have. And in the meantime, we still have no cs coming in.
And obviously, you wont. Sucks...but thats the facts. You can either accept it and move on with your life and let the kids move on with their's...or you can complain about it until you drop dead...but it wont change anything. If you have the money to fight it then go ahead. But at this point it seems that in the best interest of the CHILDREN you should probably just let it go.

[/QUOTE]

So, um....I am thinking that the biggest problem here is the OP...Step Mommy Dearest. Seems like she adds the poison and then stirs the pot.

 

[proud_parent]

This is what you need to do with them. Actually, let DAD do it. Get a picture of their mom and tie it to a balloon. Let them think or say whatever they want to about their mom to the picture and then together they let the balloon go. This is to signify that they are letting her and her behavior go and accepting that they can not control or change her.

Outstanding suggestion, maryjo! Mind if I suggest this helpful exercise to my husband and stepdaughter?

 

[Supermomma]

I am so amazed that no one answered one important question in my post. If it is o.k. to put the faces of deadbeat parents on pizza boxes and post their faces online and their names in newspapers, then why are we terrible people?

Yes its wrong. You are terrible because you are thinking of doing something so low and uncessecary and it will not result in dad getting the back CS for the kids. The kids will know if it and they will be negatively affected, whether they support it or not cause is shows how they have been raised.

What is the big difference in my husband's idea and those ideas?
Again, whether I am the "legal" step-parent or not, if I invest my time, my love and my concern into your upbringing, I'm not going to stand by like a knot on a log and not have my opinion heard. I'm not a "silent partner" in this deal.

"Where does it say in the court order you are the legal anything. Answer: No where. Your marriage licence is the only thing that is legal"

If I treated my bio children different from my step-kids, everyone would be attacking me telling me how awful I am for not being involved; however, because I am willing to fight just like I would for my own bio kids, now I'm forgetting my "place". Do I love them equally or not? Do I treat them equally or not? If I "treat" you like my bio kids, then you ARE my bio kids. In my belief, I don't have to give birth to you to be your mother. You're "mother" sits with you when you're sick, takes you to parties, makes sure you have your vitamins everyday, helps you with your homework, takes you to the doctor, is there for the fun stuff like going to the zoo and the not so fun stuff like dental visits, etc. You cannot say to me "Well, you better treat the step-kids the same as your bio kids and be ready to live and die for them the same and all that, but by the way, remember you're a nobody who sleeps with the bio dad. The person who abandoned them is still more important." I don't believe that and never will.

My aunt had three kids all by different men. She ran the streets with different men, used drugs. My mother raised the oldest child. The second child was raised by his father from birth. The oldest had it the worst because she raised the youngest one until mom sent him off at 3 to NC when the oldest daughter refused to do her moms motherly duties. They grew up very frustrated and disappointed with their mom who never did anything for them. No love at all but they still loved her, even when they hated her. they are all between the ages of 23 and 35 now. When my oldest cousin talks about her upbringing, she acknowledges my mother in certan things, but shenever calls her mom or even say that was like her mom. That was always her aunt and my mother knew her place, even out of repsect for her irresponsible sister. their mom still parties, and is very self centered, even at an older age and she still has mental issues although she no longer does drugs. But those kids still love her and have forged a relationship in their later years her despite the history. All you need to do is just help raise dads kids since you enjoy it so much but they will always know you are not their mom. Those kids will do what is in their heart eventually when it comes to mom, whether it is a relationship or not. You may be surprised. The CS is a court issue and you should just keep it incourt.


The bio mom isn't going to get away with not paying just because she's being difficult about it. That's not the way it works as far as I'm concerned. We, that's right, "WE" will chase her until she dies or we do.

She can very easily sue YOU because, you have no rights and no valid reason humiliate her.


Just because she decided she didn't want the bother of raising her children after she had them and walked off doesn't mean her obligation to them is over. You had 'em, you're going to help out financially. Period. I'm amazed at how lax some of your attitudes are toward the mother. The "oh well, just let it go" type of mentality. That's why people get away with so much today. No one wants to put in the time or effort to put these people's feet to the fire and see that they pay for what they've done. I can't believe everyone is saying that a piece of garbage that abandons her children is "still their mother". Not in my book. Remember this: Any animal can give birth. That doesn't make it a mother. If I am in the "mother" position, I am going to speak for, defend and raise these kids as if I am the mother.

You cannot make a person take care of their kids. You cannot make a person pay money. What you have done was spent the past years whining about CS instead of focusing on those kids, now that one is almost 18, you whining bloody muder. I would never waste themost preceious years of my sons life being frustrated about money and him being around, especially if I am getting by OK. The one rule of CS you should know is that it is not guaranteed. Those kids are damaged by all of this.

For the poster who asked, we have approached the biological egg donor about adoption of the kids she obviously doesn't want, and she said she'd fight us on that unless we "write off" all the child support she owes. Well, in the state of Tennessee you can't just go into court and say, "We want to let the non-custodial parent off the hook for all the cs she owes". She legally has to pay whatever added up prior to the adoption. Therefore, a lawyer said to force her into an adoption will be very costly. Over $3,000.00. That is alot of money for us.

Dad,not you, will never be able to force her to give up rights, especially now that the kids are older. She has made sporadic payments which means that she didnt totally ignore the contempt charges.

Additionally, the reason my husband said he wanted to warn her new victim is because the half-sibling to my step-kids that she just lost custody of is an issue. If she has another child and ends up abusing it to the point it is taken from her, that's more emotional baggage for my stepkids. And everytime their mother has another child, they say, "Why does she keep having kids? She didn't want to keep us, why does she want another one?" What should I say to that?

Why are you worried about a kid that has nothing to do with the court order between your husband and mom, not you. You are way overinvolved. and causing yourself a lot of unecessary worry.

And I have told my step-son that his comment is inappropriate; however, when I told the therapist about it, she said he needs to vent his years of anger and frustration. She said if all he does to "act out" is call the bio egg donor a "skank", we're lucky. She said alot of kids turn to drugs and alcohol, have problems with the law, etc. She said to allow him to get those feelings out, even if it's hard to hear because in the long run it's healthy for him.

He does that because he wants a relationship with his mom. So dont think for a minute that he hates her, even when he says that. And dad should be givng him words of encourgement. silence only worsens things.

And again, I don't have to speak ill of her in front of them. I believe I mentioned earlier that she took my step-daughter on a field trip to the strip club she worked at, my step-daughter came home complaining of the beer cans sitting all over her "mom's" house and the random men she thrust in their lives, as well as my step-daughter choosing on her own to go to court and testify against her "mom" for the abuse she witnessed her then 4 year old half-sibling go through. A 14 yr. old and a 17 yr. old aren't as blind as a 3 and 4 year old would be to those obvious signs of abuse and bad living conditions.



Since we're taking the high ground here, I trust no one on this forum is taking their ex to court for cs. I mean, wouldn't that hurt your kids to know mom is dragging dad to court to squeeze money out of him?

I took my ex to court for CS, but also took him to court for visitaton and custody. If he ever falls behind, Ill make due like most single mothers and fathers and file contempt and I will keep filing, but it wont disrupt my life.

Wouldn't it be detrimental to the kids if they found out mommie was trying to have daddy thrown in jail over something as petty as money?

Its not the kids business to know, but most find out. And when theydo, its not necessarily detrimental if it is properly explained to them. If mom or dad says "well I cant take you to disneyworld because mom made the court make me pay her a bunch of money when they took you from me." Yes that will be detrimental but at the faultof the parent that says it. And the reality is that is costs to raise kids and as they get older they will realize this. There is nothing pretty about CC and CS. If affects all parties, including the kids.


Why not just enjoy your kids and leave the non-custodial parent alone, right? Let's just be grateful for all the time we have with the kids and screw the financial help?

Its the best attitude to have because as you can very well see in dads case, that monthly CS hasnt been coming so steadily. I think you just want to get paid for raising moms kids.

Lastly, she has been charged with contempt three times and has yet to spend one day behind bars. We can't afford a lawyer at this point and in our juvenile court here, it takes 8 to 12 months to get a court date without an attorney. Did we file yet another contempt charge? Yes, we have. And in the meantime, we still have no cs coming in.

So wait until court

If anyone possibly could, please answer the various questions I have posted. Thank you in advance.

So wait until court

 

[Ohiogal]

Since I've been attacked, let me explain my "place" as one poster put it.

Legally you got nothing. Legally you are full of bs. Legally you are ignorant. Legally your emotional diatribe means nada. Should I continue? No one attacked you.

 

[Ohiogal]

I am so amazed that no one answered one important question in my post. If it is o.k. to put the faces of deadbeat parents on pizza boxes and post their faces online and their names in newspapers, then why are we terrible people?

You were answered. Of course you didn't like the answer because I also stated you are NO ONE legally. You are a terrible person because you believe you are more involved legally than you are, you allow a child to refer to his mom as a skank, you are overinvolved and overstepping, dad apparently is not doing his job as CP to facilitate a relationship as he allows HIS child to refer to mom as a "skank" and he allows his bedwarming fmate to perform his parental duties ---- shall I continue?

 

[CLBKLCDTB]

Originally Posted by Becki C.

The bio mom isn't going to get away with not paying just because she's being difficult about it. That's not the way it works as far as I'm concerned. We, that's right, "WE" will chase her until she dies or we do. Just because she decided she didn't want the bother of raising her children after she had them and walked off doesn't mean her obligation to them is over. You had 'em, you're going to help out financially. Period. I'm amazed at how lax some of your attitudes are toward the mother. The "oh well, just let it go" type of mentality.

It is mom's responsibility to pay support. You are right about that.

It is DAD's legal issue.

No one said mom should not pay or that dad doesn't have the right to take her to court on contempt of a court order to pay..

What is being said is YOU are not a party to the legal matter. It doesn't matter if you "chose" to br there in moms place or not, that does not make it YOUR legal right.

Take a deep breath, step back and let dad deal with the mother of his children.

As far as dad's intention to put up posters around moms neighbor hood....That is childish. Much more could be accomplished the legl way.

You must be so proud....

 

[CourtClerk]

Since we're taking the high ground here, I trust no one on this forum is taking their ex to court for cs. I mean, wouldn't that hurt your kids to know mom is dragging dad to court to squeeze money out of him? Wouldn't it be detrimental to the kids if they found out mommie was trying to have daddy thrown in jail over something as petty as money?

Let me address just this one asinine point you just made...

I took my ex to court to establish custody/visitation/support. I took him back to court when he didn't pay his support. Hell, we were in and out of court for 2 solid years and you know what??? My son didn't know a darn thing, because it's NOT HIS BUSINESS. Never saw a form, a motion, a court order... NOTHING. My child has no idea whether or not I receive CS or not, nor does he care. The only thing he knows about mommy and courthouses is that I work in one.

I don't announce to my son what I'm doing when I'm not at work, just like I don't tell him what I'm doing when I AM at work. I don't tell him when I'm going to the doctor, when I'm going out to lunch, when I'm leaving early or when I'm going to the market on my lunch hour, so why would I tell him that I'm taking his dad to court? This statement in itself SCREAMS of your immaturity and inexperience as a parent. The key is knowing what information needs to be told vs. information that is none of your child's business.

Your kids don't need to know what you are doing 24/7. You need to know what THEY are doing. If I don't go to work, none of his business. So long as I pick him up at the same time I always do, he has no idea what I've done all day long. In fact, if the bills get paid, he doesn't care whether I go to work or not. I don't have to report my whereabouts to my child. He's a child.

 

[Becki C.]

To the poster who inquired, the bio sperm donor of my eldest daughter was dealt with. I terminated his parental rights years ago and my husband adopted her. Look it up in past posts. And as is the law in Tennessee, his "current" cs was stopped, but he was LEGALLY obligated for the arrears, which I got. Now, for the poster who said that it was more important to me to have the cs than the kids, once again.....WE can and will turn her loose from anything current, but Tennessee law states she has to pay the arrears even if her parental right are terminated. Again, she can't be turned loose from the arrears LEGALLY. Also, when I mentioned how much it would cost to force the bio egg donor (b/c that's what a person is that abandons their children) into terminating her parental rights, the comment was made that if WE really wanted to terminate her rights, we could pay for it if we really wanted it. Perhaps that particular poster can wish money into his/her bank account but WE can't. No matter how bad WE want it, money doesn't appear out of thin air for it.

I never asked anyone on here what my LEGAL rights were to the kids. NEVER. Everyone just decided to slam me because they have a cob lodged up their rears about some "overbearring" step-parent. First of all, in my case, since my husband LEGALLY has custody and his is married to the wretched ol' step-mom then then that's the bio egg donors fault. Had she not abandoned her kids, the door wouldn't have been left open for me to walk into.

I did ask for legal advice for one sinple question in my original post. But all the personal opinions got in the way of giving me a plain LEGAL answer. Everyone keeps saying "from a LEGAl standpoint..." while very few of you wanted to point out anything LEGAL except that I have no LEGAL rights. I asked for a LEGAL answer to whether or not there would be LEGAL ramifications to an act my hhusband cosidered. That's all. A few people gave me short, simple answers to the best of their knowledge to that and I appreciate it.

Since most posters are stuck on LEGALLY, would you just tell me what you know about the LEGAL ramifications, if any, that could happen if WE were to post posters of his deadbeat bio egg donor? If you are not sure LEGALLY, then please don't answer with character attacks. I would think since non-custodial deadbeats can't sue for having their pictures on pizza boxes, etc. then they would be facing the same deadend street when it comes to doing anything about the "Wanted" posters.

Thanks for any knowledge on the subject from a LEGAL standpoint.

 

[>Charlotte<]

Since most posters are stuck on LEGALLY, would you just tell me what you know about the LEGAL ramifications, if any, that could happen if WE were to post posters of his deadbeat bio egg donor? If you are not sure LEGALLY, then please don't answer with character attacks. I would think since non-custodial deadbeats can't sue for having their pictures on pizza boxes, etc. then they would be facing the same deadend street when it comes to doing anything about the "Wanted" posters.

The legal ramifications would be that if you post the pictures, the mother can sue you. If she does and if she prevails, the judgement against you would depend on the damages suffered by the mother. It is not beyond the realm of possibilty that it might also result in a review of the current custody order.

Much of this is speculation, because it depends upon what steps the mother would take once you post the pictures. It also depends on what damages she would suffer, which remains to be seen.

One thing for sure is that, legally, it would get you no closer to a resolution of the arrearages.

And who says deadbeat parents can't sue for having their pictures on pizza boxes? Sure they can.

 

[Becki C.]

To CLT747: Thank you for your help. I appreciate the direct answers.