Indiana Guidelines Urgent Question

[LdiJ]

It's totally believable for a person to be less than a good parent....what is unbelievable is the situation she describes (then twists a bit, then augments ) ie; your friend? Is he best buds with the X's brother & does that X's brother and all his friends report back to his re-married x-wife what they think about him?

My friend's situation is one of those ones that's a little unbelieveable.. My friend is someone who has refused to even meet his own child (who is now 12 and who he has known about since day one) because he despises the child's mother.

His family and his friends are all incredibly frustrated and disappointed with him about this. Because in all other aspects you couldn't meet a nicer guy or better person. His mother and the other grandmother have become good friends and his mother and the rest of the family have a great relationship with the child and with the child's maternal family. And yes, none of his family are shy about telling the truth to the maternal family about how they feel about his actions.

Sometimes I wonder if his child's mother could be one of the posters on this board...

However...I am perilously close to "hijacking" here...lol

 

[casa]

My friend's situation is one of those ones that's a little unbelieveable.. My friend is someone who has refused to even meet his own child (who is now 12 and who he has known about since day one) because he despises the child's mother.

His family and his friends are all incredibly frustrated and disappointed with him about this. Because in all other aspects you couldn't meet a nicer guy or better person. His mother and the other grandmother have become good friends and his mother and the rest of the family have a great relationship with the child and with the child's maternal family. And yes, none of his family are shy about telling the truth to the maternal family about how they feel about his actions.

Sometimes I wonder if his child's mother could be one of the posters on this board...

However...I am perilously close to "hijacking" here...lol

lol actually that's a perfect seque way into my point re; exaggerating~ The friend you refer to has not had contact with his child for 12 years...that's despicable in anyone's eyes. THIS child's father sees the child on an ongoing basis per court ordered visitation.

 

[LdiJ]

lol actually that's a perfect seque way into my point re; exaggerating~ The friend you refer to has not had contact with his child for 12 years...that's despicable in anyone's eyes. THIS child's father sees the child on an ongoing basis per court ordered visitation.

Valid point!

 

[stepmom&mom]

There are lots of NCP's who are frustrated with the legal system. Some of them feel like no matter what they do, the courts are going to be eternally biased against them. I know that there have been many times that my dh has thought very seriously about giving up and hoping that one day, when his daughter is 18, then he will be able to explain to her that he tried everything he could to be there for her. Some people just don't have the financial means to keep up a long court battle for years and years just because everytime they think things are settled, the CP makes some other move to interfere or frustrate their contact with their own children all together.

We don't know anything about OP's non-ex. From the sound of it, the OP is a very bitter person who is confusing personal hatred for a relationship that went sour or non-relationship that did not come to fruition. Some people turn that hatred into revenge and use their own children as the vehicle for it.

Don't get me wrong, I've been on both sides, with an ex who hasn't seen his kid in 7 years. It sucks. But you can't continue to hurt your own child because of that. If anything, you have to be there for them and love and protect them. Advising your child of the "truth" about the other parent will not prove to be beneficial whatsoever.

 

[marine_wife_17]

I do not take my child along for my bitter ride against the OP. He uses her against me and it is sad. Like this week I have tried to call to say goodnight to my daughter or at least say hello. He refused to answer the phone when i called but when my mother called he said that he did not have to answer my phone call. So my daughter is missing her nightly call that i usually make and talk to her. That is not fair. He does everything that i ask him not to do like put her to bed very late, give her pop and junk food. I know this is petty things but ihave asked him over and over. He does it to just prove a point that he can do whatever he wants during his week but it is not good for her.

 

[stepmom&mom]

Do you think that calling every single night is a bit excessive?

 

[Whyte Noise]

I do not take my child along for my bitter ride against the OP. He uses her against me and it is sad. Like this week I have tried to call to say goodnight to my daughter or at least say hello. He refused to answer the phone when i called but when my mother called he said that he did not have to answer my phone call. So my daughter is missing her nightly call that i usually make and talk to her. That is not fair. He does everything that i ask him not to do like put her to bed very late, give her pop and junk food. I know this is petty things but ihave asked him over and over. He does it to just prove a point that he can do whatever he wants during his week but it is not good for her.

Actually, the point he's proving is that he can get to you, and you allow it. No one can piss you off unless you LET them. You can't control how anyone acts, but you can control how you REact. Big difference.

And he's right, he does NOT have to answer the phone when you call. That is HIS time, and unless there's a court order that allows you nightly contact with her (and you sure didn't mention any) then he's not obligated to allow you to talk to her on HIS time.

You know, in all your posts you've pointed out how these things make YOU feel. Sorry to be the one to tell you this, but it's not about YOU. It's about your daughter and her father. These are some of the things you've said in your thread:

"I have a huge problem"
"My daughters sperm donor as we call him has her for this week"
"He gets her once a week every two months which is too much but I had a bad lawyer who didn't care and lied to me and said that was the least he would get unless we went to court."
"yes i am going to argue the first choice law since i feel she is being neglected."
" understand that she will be sleeping while he is at work but i would rather her be with me at my parents house while i am in town then in bed with his girlfriend."
"Becasue I am scared of them having sex when she is lying that same bed as them."
"I jsut think that something is going on"
"He does everything that i ask him not to do like put her to bed very late, give her pop and junk food."
"So my daughter is missing her nightly call that i usually make and talk to her. That is not fair."


Do you see the pattern there? It's what YOU feel, what YOU want, what YOU think is right or wrong or "fair". Sorry Charlie, but you can't control every aspect of his daughter's life. He's just a sperm donor? Wanna get down to brass tacts, you're just an egg donor. What...??? Didn't like that? It's true. You had the egg, he had the sperm and TOGETHER you created this child. You didn't do it by yourself dearie. Even with all the scientific advances around now you can't create a life without an egg and a sperm. TOGETHER you became parents of a child. Like him and his parenting skills or not, the fact is that you laid down and had sex with him. Now, you are dealing with the consequences of that.

He has his child (yeah, she's not just YOUR child. Remember the egg and sperm I told you about?) once every 2 months. On his time, he can allow/not allow you to talk to her, see her, your parents see her, etc. It's his time, not yours. You can't control what he does on his time, sorry. Just because you think he's neglectful doesn't mean he is. Just because his friends and your brother (which BTW... if they think he's such a piece of $hit, why are they still friends with him??) tell you things doesn't mean he's unfit or neglectful. It's not against the law for a child to sleep with their parent. My 13 year old daughter slept in my bed the other night when my husband was working 3rd shift. Oh noes!!! I'm unfit! *rolls eyes* All 3 of my children slept with my ex-husband and I when they were younger. My son would even come and sleep in our CLOSET because he said he liked it in there. (Quick!! Someone call CPS because my son chose to sleep in my closet when he was 4 because obviously that was child abuse for him to be in there.)

You can't control what he does with her. Stop trying to. His time is his time, not yours. If it were your time the court order would say it was. Just becasue YOU would do something different doesn't mean he's harming his daughter. Just because YOU don't approve doesn't mean it's wrong or illegal. Remember, it's not about you.

 

[LdiJ]

Do you think that calling every single night is a bit excessive?

I actually think that its a good think for kids to speak to their parents daily...mom when with dad, dad when with mom.

Of course I don't mean that I think that either parent should have to be home at a specific time every day to get a phone call...but I do think its a good thing for the most part as long as everyone is flexible. I do realize that there are some circumstances where it might be counterproductive...but generally its going to be reassuring to the child.

 

[nextwife]

All 3 of my children slept with my ex-husband and I when they were younger. My son would even come and sleep in our CLOSET because he said he liked it in there. (Quick!! Someone call CPS because my son chose to sleep in my closet when he was 4 because obviously that was child abuse for him to be in there.)

LOL! Closet, huh?

My kiddo had seperation issues at night (very common for an orphanage kid, they are not used to sleeping in a room alone, they are used to being surrounded by lots of other babies breathing and coughing during the night) and slept in our room until about age 6. In our bed until about age 4 or 5. We eventually had her sleeping in a sleeping bag next to our bed- not because she didn't have a lovely bed of her own, in a lovely bedroom of her own right next to ours, with Pottery Barn bedding and a feather bed over the mattress, but because SHE wanted to be where we were. It made her feel safer.

 

[LdiJ]

"I have a huge problem"

Not that big a deal, its not such an unusual way to term things.

"My daughters sperm donor as we call him has her for this week"

BAD....a clear indication that she doesn't respect dad's position as a parent. If dad paid no child support and had nothing to do with the child it could be a valid comment, but that isn't the case here.

"He gets her once a week every two months which is too much but I had a bad lawyer who didn't care and lied to me and said that was the least he would get unless we went to court."

No, OP didn't have a bad lawyer, OP had a lawyer that knows that Indiana judges following the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines...and her order came straight from the guidelines.

"yes i am going to argue the first choice law since i feel she is being neglected."

I have already explained to OP how that works in Indiana.

" understand that she will be sleeping while he is at work but i would rather her be with me at my parents house while i am in town then in bed with his girlfriend."

I kind of agree with this one if its the girlfriend having the child while dad works rather than the grandparents.

"Becasue I am scared of them having sex when she is lying that same bed as them."

That's not an unreasonable fear. Sadly, some parents do things like that.

"I jsut think that something is going on"

Possible paranoia...possible valid concern. We don't know the parties...but more likely paranoia.

"He does everything that i ask him not to do like put her to bed very late, give her pop and junk food."

A valid concern...unfortunately there isn't a darn thing that any parent can do about that.

"So my daughter is missing her nightly call that i usually make and talk to her. That is not fair."

Perhaps she meant that it wasn't fair to her daughter????

I realize that this in an unpopular opinion here...but I do think that its not unreasonable for this child to have a little bit of time with the maternal grandparents during dad's week if dad himself is definitely not missing any time, and if his family is getting plenty of time.

 

[stealth2]

Sorry, but late nights, junk food and soda neglect do not make - not one week out of eight.

Phone calls.... can be a double-edged sword. I've seen kids be absolutely fine w/o them, only to melt into little puddles as soon as they hear the other parent's voice. This is also one of those good for the goose, good for the gander deals. Does Mom allow Dad to call every night the other seven weeks?

Lastly, the maternal grandparents & time with the little. It seems as though Mom intends to stay a few days after Dad's time ANYWAY, since she intends to have a therapist there see the child as.soon.as.visitation.is.over ... So her folks get to see baby girl then.

 

[haiku]

Sorry, but late nights, junk food and soda neglect do not make - not one week out of eight.

Phone calls.... can be a double-edged sword. I've seen kids be absolutely fine w/o them, only to melt into little puddles as soon as they hear the other parent's voice. This is also one of those good for the goose, good for the gander deals. Does Mom allow Dad to call every night the other seven weeks?

Lastly, the maternal grandparents & time with the little. It seems as though Mom intends to stay a few days after Dad's time ANYWAY, since she intends to have a therapist there see the child as.soon.as.visitation.is.over ... So her folks get to see baby girl then.

I totally agree with this.

Just one phone call in the evening can derail an entire evening of peace for the rest of the family. Sometimes it is best if it is left up to the child to decide they need that good night phone call.

And the one week visitation is not for the mom to have the child visit her family it is for the child to spend time with dad, and dads family. it shoudl really be dads call as to whther he wants her parents doing any babysitting.

 

[Whyte Noise]

Perhaps she meant that it wasn't fair to her daughter????

I realize that this in an unpopular opinion here...but I do think that its not unreasonable for this child to have a little bit of time with the maternal grandparents during dad's week if dad himself is definitely not missing any time, and if his family is getting plenty of time.

These are the only 2 parts I wanna address LdiJ, so I took your other replies out.

I could go for her meaning not fair to her daughter, but for the fact of her sentance right before that saying "That's not fair" which was...

"So my daughter is missing her nightly call that i usually make and talk to her."

Notice the bolded part. Thats SHE ( the OP) makes. The daughter is 2 1/2. Do you get where I'm going with this?

As for OP's mom having time with the child on dad's parenting time... BS. Dad sees this child for 5-7 days every 2 months. That's it. So, that's 6 weeks out of 52 dad has her... mom has her the other 46. I'm sorry, but it's not going to kill mom to let HER family see the child on HER time since she has way more than dad does. I see my children more than the OP's ex does but it's long distance as well. If he brought his mother to my town and then wanted his mother to spend time with them while it was MY parenting time I'd tell him to take a long walk off a short pier (unless it was the summer, where I get them the whole summer every other year... then it wouldn't be a problem). But, if I only had 5-7 days with my kids out of every 60 like he does? Nope. Ain't gonna happen.

I see this (and I guess a lot of us that have responded to this thread do too) as a way for mom to control what dad does with his time.

 

[Whyte Noise]

LOL! Closet, huh?

My kiddo had seperation issues at night (very common for an orphanage kid, they are not used to sleeping in a room alone, they are used to being surrounded by lots of other babies breathing and coughing during the night) and slept in our room until about age 6. In our bed until about age 4 or 5. We eventually had her sleeping in a sleeping bag next to our bed- not because she didn't have a lovely bed of her own, in a lovely bedroom of her own right next to ours, with Pottery Barn bedding and a feather bed over the mattress, but because SHE wanted to be where we were. It made her feel safer.

Yuppers, closet.

He had a big walk-in closet in his room, but said there was a monster in it. We had a "his and hers" closet in ours. Same depth as a regular closet is, but about twice as long with 2 doors. We slept in total darkness, no lights on in our room or anywhere near it. He said he liked sleeping in my closet, "Because the light makes me feel safe". A pretty blue light, he said.

 

[LdiJ]

LOL! Closet, huh?

My kiddo had seperation issues at night (very common for an orphanage kid, they are not used to sleeping in a room alone, they are used to being surrounded by lots of other babies breathing and coughing during the night) and slept in our room until about age 6. In our bed until about age 4 or 5. We eventually had her sleeping in a sleeping bag next to our bed- not because she didn't have a lovely bed of her own, in a lovely bedroom of her own right next to ours, with Pottery Barn bedding and a feather bed over the mattress, but because SHE wanted to be where we were. It made her feel safer.

My daughter ended up in my bed frequently, even up to age 12. She dealt with all kinds of separation issues when her father and I split up...but the bit of her ending up in my bed was the most frustrating. We worked and worked on that.

However...part of it honestly had nothing to do with separation issues....part of it had to do with the distance between the bathroom and her bed and mine...LOL. The closest bathroom to her room was the one in mine...the closest bed to the bathroom when she was finished was mine...LOL.

She hasn't slept in my bed regularly since about age 12....but about once every 3 or 4 months I still wake up and discover her in my bed (and she is 17 now)....just because she decides not to travel all the way back to her room after hitting the "potty".