Indiana Guidelines Urgent Question

[LdiJ]

These are the only 2 parts I wanna address LdiJ, so I took your other replies out.

I could go for her meaning not fair to her daughter, but for the fact of her sentance right before that saying "That's not fair" which was...

"So my daughter is missing her nightly call that i usually make and talk to her."

Notice the bolded part. Thats SHE ( the OP) makes. The daughter is 2 1/2. Do you get where I'm going with this?

As for OP's mom having time with the child on dad's parenting time... BS. Dad sees this child for 5-7 days every 2 months. That's it. So, that's 6 weeks out of 52 dad has her... mom has her the other 46. I'm sorry, but it's not going to kill mom to let HER family see the child on HER time since she has way more than dad does. I see my children more than the OP's ex does but it's long distance as well. If he brought his mother to my town and then wanted his mother to spend time with them while it was MY parenting time I'd tell him to take a long walk off a short pier (unless it was the summer, where I get them the whole summer every other year... then it wouldn't be a problem). But, if I only had 5-7 days with my kids out of every 60 like he does? Nope. Ain't gonna happen.

I see this (and I guess a lot of us that have responded to this thread do too) as a way for mom to control what dad does with his time.

Heck...I really don't disagree with you....but I do tend to side with the "underdog" and I do tend to try to be the "devil's advocate" and point out issues that may be overlooked.

 

[stepmom&mom]

The first night that my dh's daughter actually spent the night at our house, she ended up sleeping in our bed. And no, it wasn't with my dh AND me. Actually, it was kind of funny, she wanted me to lay down with her. So I told my dh that I'd just lay down with her until she went to sleep. We tried to move her to her bed when she fell asleep, but she wasn't having it. So she and I ended up sleeping in our bed and my dh slept on the floor!

I'm sure that bm wouldn't like to hear that, but what do you do? It was actually what made sd most comfortable. It was my understanding that she was used to sleeping in bed with bm @ home. I think that alot of time CP's overreact when they assume that if the kid ends up in bed with the NCP & their mate that there will be sex involved. I'm not saying it never happens, but why automatically assume that is the case?

As far as nightly phone calls, my opinion is that it is excessive. For one thing, if a parent is trying to establish a routine, especially the NCP, sometimes pausing every night to call the CP can frustrate that. I know that with us, we have a rule that if sd requests to call bm, we let her. If she doesn't bring it up, then neither do we. Why stir calm waters? I think handling it that way encourages independence and a positive self image for the child. I think that sometimes, some CP's don't want to admit that the "once a night" phone call is more for them than for the children (often to check up on what's going on while they aren't there.)

 

[marine_wife_17]

When i call my daughter at night i say her prayer and tell her goodnight and i love her so no i am not checking up on what she is doing. I went from haveing my daughter every night and every day to not having her six weeks out of the year and that is hard this is her 4th visit and i am still getting used to it. He went from seeing her at my parents house when he wanted to to having her over night so yes i do think that is excessive. As far as the indiana guidelines it says until a child is 3 the ncp is to visit the child in its home town so yes he did get more than the indiana guidelines allowed. As far as her sleeping with him it would be one thing if she saw him all the time but she was barely used to him when he visited here let alone seeing him now. It is different for a child to sleep with its parents or even a step parent because they have probably been around a good part of that childs life and in this case he has just started coming around and that is why i do not feel comfortable about that. At my house she sleeps in her own bed in her own room so it is not because she is used to sleeping with me. As far as him calling during my weeks he never calls he knows my number and the only time he calls is the day before visitation to make sure we are coming and does not ask to speak to her so it is not that i am denying him a chance to talk to her. He decided taht. During his week he is always at his mothers and leaves her there when he works and leaves hours before he has to work to go do things with his girlfriend. It is mostly his mother seeing her and he is there when he wants to be. As far as support he does not pay it and has not paid it.

 

[nextwife]

As far as her sleeping with him it would be one thing if she saw him all the time but she was barely used to him when he visited here let alone seeing him now. It is different for a child to sleep with its parents or even a step parent because they have probably been around a good part of that childs life and in this case he has just started coming around and that is why i do not feel comfortable about that.

Hon, my daughter didn't even KNOW her daddy and I until she was 25 months old. Spending time together is the BEST cure to unfamiliarity, and the only good way to overcome it..

 

[Just Blue]

marine wife17....How about sending along a playpen or port-a-crib when your daughter visits??

 

[stepmom&mom]

I went from haveing my daughter every night and every day to not having her six weeks out of the year and that is hard this is her 4th visit and i am still getting used to it. So this really is about you?
He went from seeing her at my parents house when he wanted to to having her over night so yes i do think that is excessive. He's her parent! Do you think it is excessive that your daughter sleeps in your home?? He's no different than YOU!

As far as the indiana guidelines it says until a child is 3 the ncp is to visit the child in its home town so yes he did get more than the indiana guidelines allowed. As far as her sleeping with him it would be one thing if she saw him all the time but she was barely used to him when he visited here let alone seeing him now. It is different for a child to sleep with its parents or even a step parent because they have probably been around a good part of that childs life and in this case he has just started coming around and that is why i do not feel comfortable about that. Again, the running theme here is "YOU."

As far as support he does not pay it and has not paid it. You've been told how you can address that issue.

You are going to have to find some way to let go, sooner or later.

 

[marine_wife_17]

She is too big for a play pen and she would tip it over if she were in it. I am jsut so sick of having to be the one to provide everything. I had to get him all of his car seats and have to bring everything for her until he stopped giving it back. He is an adult and needs to act like one and take responsiblity for her and get her a bed and make sure she has everything she needs. I should not have to provide it for two homes. He does not pay child support so why should I be responsible for paying for everything that he needs in his house for her. Even if he was paying I should not have to buy all of that stuff.

 

[marine_wife_17]

I know that child support can be addressed and it is getting addresses with a class d felony warrant.

 

[marine_wife_17]

Step mom and mom............I know what you are saying that he is no different then me in the sense that she should be able to stay with him. But to go from where he was at the where he is now I do think it was excessive. He rarely saw her and it was a come and go thing when he did. Now he has her overnight I think that was quite a bit of a jump. I have taken care of my daughter since day one so to say that he has as much right as me is not right. Yes he is her bp but he does not act like one. When he does have her she is jsut at his mothers house. All I am saying is she went from rarely seeing him to having to spend 7 straight nights with him and yes i do think i have a right to be uneasy about her sleeping in bed with him. The first two times he had her she slept in bed with him and did not have a gf at the time. THe part that makes me so mad is all along he told me that she had her own bed and when we actually went to his house to drop her off this last time i asked where her bed was and he said oh she doesn't have one she will sleep in my sisters bed then when we picked her up his sister was there and i asked where she slept and he said with him and heather and he finally told me she slept there almost every night becasue there was no where for her to sleep. So to go from she has a bed to his sisters bed to in bed with him and his girlfriend is uncomfortable with me.

 

[titansfan]

like it or not hes your kids father

"when he does have her she is just at his mother's house" dad is allowed to leave the child with anyone he chooses when she is with him, as long as she is not being abused or neglected, you have no say in that when its dads time."i ahve been taking care of my daughter since day one and to say he has as much rights as me is not right" well, you should have though of that before you slept with and got pregnant by him, he is the father, and he has rights, wether you like it or not, you will have to deal with him in some form or fashion untill your daughter is 18. i agree, she should not be sleeping with dad and his gf, she is too old for that, for one thing, for another, they have a right to privacy. dad should find another place for your daughter to sleep, get her her own bed, or let her sleep on the couch, etc

 

[Whyte Noise]

And once again, just because it's uncomfortable to YOU does not mean it's wrong.

Look, no one is telling you that you are wrong to have feelings. But you have to realize that it's not about you, it's about that little girl and her relationship with her parents. Both of you.

You said that him going from seeing her at your parents to having her overnight is "excessive" to you. Darlin', how long did YOU see her after you gave birth to her before she went to overnights with you in your home? 2 or 3 days in the hospital at most (unless you had a C-Section)? And she was sent home with you. Was that also excessive? You'd only known her a few days, yet took her straight home with no reservations. Think about that comparison.

You said: "He does not pay child support so why should I be responsible for paying for everything that he needs in his house for her." For your child. Not for him, not for you, but for your CHILD. This isn't about what you think you should and shouldn't pay for, or what dad has or hasn't gotten or done... it's about that little girl. If she needs a toddler bed, someone should get her one. It doesn't matter WHO, it doesn't matter who should or shouldn't or why you should or shouldn't, it matters that she needs a bed. And if you sit there and say "Why should I pay for it?" then you're not hurting your ex, you're hurting your daughter in the long run because SHE is the one without the bed. Yeah, that goes for both of you, but one of you needs to step up and do what needs to be done. If dad isn't, then you should.. and your pride be damned. Get the child a bed.

 

[marine_wife_17]

From day one i have bought everything he needed at his house from diapers to bottles to a car seat it is a never ending cycle. If he is going to have her at his house he needs to have a bed and i feel that if he does not have the things he needs for her like a bed, toothbruch, sippy cups and a car seat then why should he have her. I should not have to buy everything for two houses it is not fair and i can't take it back and forth each time. He should have to buy it that is all there is to it. My mom has a bed for her here and if he won't buy a bed then he can use it when he has her. But it is a never ending cycle. Am i going to have to buy everything for his house for the next 18 years i don't think i should either he should or he shouldn't have her.

 

[Whyte Noise]

From day one i have bought everything he needed at his house from diapers to bottles to a car seat it is a never ending cycle. If he is going to have her at his house he needs to have a bed and i feel that if he does not have the things he needs for her like a bed, toothbruch, sippy cups and a car seat then why should he have her. I should not have to buy everything for two houses it is not fair and i can't take it back and forth each time. He should have to buy it that is all there is to it. My mom has a bed for her here and if he won't buy a bed then he can use it when he has her. But it is a never ending cycle. Am i going to have to buy everything for his house for the next 18 years i don't think i should either he should or he shouldn't have her.

So, you'd rather your child suffer because your ex is an ass and you always have to be the one that's right?

Get over yourself lady. Seriously.

You talk about "it's not fair!" for him to have overnights, for you to buy things to put in his home, for you to not talk to your daughter every single night she's with her dad, to be with someone else besides you while dad is at work. I'll tell you what isn't fair... that she has an ass for a dad and a whiny little "it's all about what's right/wrong/fair to me" mother.

YES, he should buy it. YES, it should be his responsibility, but my GOD... he's hasn't and you're going to sit there and cry about it not being fair to you, then bitch because your child is sleeping in the bed with her dad and his g/f instead of DOING something about it!

Who cares if dad hasn't ever bought her anything and you did it all. It's your child and HER well-being and comfort is above either you OR her dad's. If my kids need something and their dad hasn't bought it, then I DO IT. Hell, even if my stepkids need something and their own mother hasn't bought it, I DO IT. I spent $600 on school clothes for them last year because all their mom got them was hand-me-downs from family for them to go to school in. It's about the CHILDREN and what they need, not about the parents and what they WANT.

Why can't you see this? Your stubborness and unwillingness to see past your ass of an ex is hurting no one but her. SHE is the one still sleeping in their bed. Stop complaining about it if you're too damn prideful to be the adult here and do something about it.

 

[marine_wife_17]

Like I said if you read the whole thing my mother has a bed here for my daughter and if he will not buy one then he can have this one.

 

[stealth2]

Whether you think it's exessive or fair is completely moot. The court has stated that it's neither excessive nor unfair in ruling on his visitation. The more quickly YOU wrap your head around the whole thing, the easier it will be for your child.