Interpretation of summer parenting time

[proud_parent]

Do you see how Mom melds her emotional issues with the children?

Classic projection. One of the tried and true ego defenses (usually coupled with a big ol' helping of denial).

More food for thought: When my H bit the bullet and filed for custody modification, X initially responded with, "Over my dead body", and soon moved on to "D doesn't know where she is or who she is anymore." (This said of a seven year old, mind. When I was seven, I just wanted to know what was for dinner.)

Within weeks of that last statement, D was living with us and X had embarked on her fabulous new life, in a new country, with a new husband and new "kids" (a pair of kittens). As inconceivable as it seems now, it is entirely possible for the pendulum to swing just that quickly, especially if you indeed are dealing with someone with BPD.

 

[wileybunch]

Ya know, I have a fun little thing that I do. Doesn't change things, but it sure makes me feel better. I imagine the troublesome person loaded onto a giant catapult. (Not by ME, just a set of hands). Then I imagine the launch and the look of surprise. Then I imagine that person sailing off into space until they are a little tiny dot and I can't see them anymore.

I like that. Reminds me of skit on SNL or MadTV. They catapulted all kinds of things, dog poop, their kids, etc.

 

[wileybunch]

Classic projection. One of the tried and true ego defenses (usually coupled with a big ol' helping of denial).

More food for thought: When my H bit the bullet and filed for custody modification, X initially responded with, "Over my dead body", and soon moved on to "D doesn't know where she is or who she is anymore." (This said of a seven year old, mind. When I was seven, I just wanted to know what was for dinner.)

Within weeks of that last statement, D was living with us and X had embarked on her fabulous new life, in a new country, with a new husband and new "kids" (a pair of kittens). As inconceivable as it seems now, it is entirely possible for the pendulum to swing just that quickly, especially if you indeed are dealing with someone with BPD.

You have a psychology background, right? There are other aspects to this such as at church it would be a huge blow to not have her kids any more. Last year when she started cutting the weekend visitation in half, we found out later she had a new calling in church, had been asked to be the secretary for the children's Sunday school. That explained why she HAD to have the kids go to their location of the church every Sunday vs. ours (same church, different building). And, she's put up a charade over the years that she left DH for this and that, he's crazy, he spent too much $, etc. when she was having affairs w/several married men (simultaneously -- ew) and she's the one that's got financial issues, heavily in debt according to her financial affidavit last summer. But, she's the kind of person that lies so much that that becomes her new reality. One of the voice mails she left DH this morning said something like, "Since you said the current schedule is null and void, I don't know what schedule you're referring to that you want a stipulation on." He said it's null and void? News to him!

I asked him why he didn't realize she was this unstable when they were married (for 17 yrs). He said he honestly thinks she's gotten a lot worse since they divorced, that he knew some things about her that he didn't like while they were married, but this craziness is a new level for her (and it's been going on for almost 10 years now). A personal best.

 

[proud_parent]

You have a psychology background, right? There are other aspects to this such as at church it would be a huge blow to not have her kids any more. Last year when she started cutting the weekend visitation in half, we found out later she had a new calling in church, had been asked to be the secretary for the children's Sunday school. That explained why she HAD to have the kids go to their location of the church every Sunday vs. ours (same church, different building). And, she's put up a charade over the years that she left DH for this and that, he's crazy, he spent too much $, etc. when she was having affairs w/several married men (simultaneously -- ew) and she's the one that's got financial issues, heavily in debt according to her financial affidavit last summer. But, she's the kind of person that lies so much that that becomes her new reality. One of the voice mails she left DH this morning said something like, "Since you said the current schedule is null and void, I don't know what schedule you're referring to that you want a stipulation on." He said it's null and void? News to him!

I asked him why he didn't realize she was this unstable when they were married (for 17 yrs). He said he honestly thinks she's gotten a lot worse since they divorced, that he knew some things about her that he didn't like while they were married, but this craziness is a new level for her (and it's been going on for almost 10 years now). A personal best.

Wow...you had a church thing, too? Eerie. In our case, X got herself a whole new religion to go with her new life. Claims to be a high priestess now. I have a feeling her "congregation" numbers exactly two. Months after the custody trial, when X finally got around to reading and responding to H's answers to interrogatories, she also tried to reinvent history by claiming, "You knew I was a pagan when you met me." Funny, that whole getting married in the Catholic church (with X's practicing Catholic parents and grandparents in attendance) and later having D baptized Catholic seemed to indicate otherwise.

The thing about persons with personality disorders is that they tend to be both highly functioning and extremely adept at masking their illness. Many of them wear their rational, even charming pseudopersonas like a second skin, and often (as is also the case with psychopaths) don't realize themselves when they're doing it. It can be very difficult for those around them to see past the personas they present to the world. Especially when -- as in your DH's case and mine -- there is an emotional benefit to NOT poking around at what lies underneath.

 

[penelope10]

Wow...you had a church thing, too? Eerie. In our case, X got herself a whole new religion to go with her new life. Claims to be a high priestess now. I have a feeling her "congregation" numbers exactly two. Months after the custody trial, when X finally got around to reading and responding to H's answers to interrogatories, she also tried to reinvent history by claiming, "You knew I was a pagan when you met me." Funny, that whole getting married in the Catholic church (with X's practicing Catholic parents and grandparents in attendance) and later having D baptized Catholic seemed to indicate otherwise.

The thing about persons with personality disorders is that they tend to be both highly functioning and extremely adept at masking their illness. Many of them wear their rational, even charming pseudopersonas like a second skin, and often (as is also the case with psychopaths) don't realize themselves when they're doing it. It can be very difficult for those around them to see past the personas they present to the world. Especially when -- as in your DH's case and mine -- there is an emotional benefit to NOT poking around at what lies underneath.

We tend to think that only woman have these personality disorders, but let me tell ya men can too. The Great and Powerful OZ is highly functioning, very successful. But has a very poor image of self. And lacks the capacity for empathy or self reflection. Fortunately, he behaves enough that I can give him a wide berth and not have to deal with him much.

And he has been, all in all, the best he can be for Lil Bit right now....These type of people tend to drive the other people crazy around them. Cause there's just no rational explanation as to why they act the way they do, or what they will do.