Mom Leaving Dad Out of Decisions

[Ohiogal]

Wow. Such a large amount of responses....

He shouldn't have to contact the school. SHE is required by COURT ORDER to provide him with it. She does not. PERIOD.

He does telephone conferences when possible. He works crazy hours and is most times unable to attend conferences.

He is a PARENT. Most parents work and yet many still make it a point to attend conferences and participate. Though she is required to provide him with information, he could also participate. Working crazy hours? Like what?

 

[Humusluvr]

Guess she gets to do as she pleases,

She's following the court order.

the girls suffer,

Doesn't sound like they suffer AT ALL! They sound great! YOU sound pathetic.

and my husband gets screwed.

YOU are the only one who sounds like they feel screwed. And actually, you don't even have a right to feel that way. Boo hoo for you.

Nice. Thanks for the advice and rude comments.

No prob, that's what we're here for. To give the proper advice, not what you want to hear. And you got rude comments because you are acting in a manner that asks for them.

 

[AHA]

So let me get this straight:

Mom can continue to do as she pleases. She can outright avoid the 24hr "rule" and get away with it?

His overtime is included?? That doesn't seem fair.

If she wants to INCREASE child support, she could realistically get it because even though her income has gone up so has my husbands? At least my income isn't included. But she now has someone who is bringing in a significant amount of income to the household.

Guess she gets to do as she pleases, the girls suffer, and my husband gets screwed. Nice. Thanks for the advice and rude comments.

Good Day.

Keep in mind that you CHOSE a life with a man in this situation!

 

[wileybunch]

Mom can continue to do as she pleases. She can outright avoid the 24hr "rule" and get away with it?

She never provides any information ever? Or she doesn't provide info w/in 24 hours? As a CP, I would really dislike you as a stepmom if I knew you were getting petty over the 24-hour rule. But, if it's a matter of never providing information at all, that's an issue and your DH should get serious about that. If there are ways for him to get info, he should do as has been suggested. I know it's not always really possible b/c my DH's ex really won't provide info and so I know what it's like and what information he's missed or gotten when it's too late b/c not everything can be obtained by staying in touch with school, having online grade access, etc. When a CP purposely goes out of their way to withhold important information, they will succeed. If your DH has that kind of case, he should not sit back and let that happen. OTOH, if he can't seem to make time to get to conferences for his kids, he has a work schedule as an eternal excuse, that's sending a clear message to the kids, too, so he should make sure he is focusing on things HE can do that are in HIS control.

My husband went and got online grade access for his middle schooler, but hasn't for his high schooler. Due to his schedule and the school's, it's not "easy" to get over there and Mom won't provide the log in (which she absolutely should -- she's a jerk for not doing it), but he has a way to do it and *I* will not buy that he hasn't had a chance to do it b/c if he made it a priority, I know he could. So he's let several months go by and that's on him. Hint: Don't make excuses for your DH, either.

 

[Zigner]

You just described my daughter's favorite way to dine!!

Heck - she described MY favorite way to dine!

 

[fairisfair]

So let me get this straight:

Mom can continue to do as she pleases. She can outright avoid the 24hr "rule" and get away with it?

His overtime is included?? That doesn't seem fair.

If she wants to INCREASE child support, she could realistically get it because even though her income has gone up so has my husbands? At least my income isn't included. But she now has someone who is bringing in a significant amount of income to the household.

Guess she gets to do as she pleases, the girls suffer, and my husband gets screwed. Nice. Thanks for the advice and rude comments.

Good Day.

aha, so let me get this straight.

The main idea is not actually the "getting" of the school information, since dad is apparently of sound mental health and able to actually speak and make a phone call, more so it is to insure dad's control over MOM providing the information? and you being able to "prove" that mom isn't doing it? (and by the way that is the stupidest thing I have EVER heard to have put in a court order.)

you don't find the method of child support calculation in CA fair? That is the next issue. Although I am quite sure that the lawmakers "meant" to take your personal feelings into consideration, perhaps you were missed with the hundreds of thousands of other people that they had on their mind when they were writing those laws. I would suggest that you write to them now. I would suggest that dad do so, however dad seems incapable of making his own phone calls regarding things as minor as school issues, or even posting here himself, so doing something of that magnitude would be sure to put him in a quandry.

The girls are suffering? really?? how are they suffering?

and just out of curiosity? what is YOUR relationship like with these children? are you sure it is MOM that is causing the discord here?

 

[fairisfair]

Heck - she described MY favorite way to dine!

me too, in fact I am sitting in front of my computer, having tea and eating toast WITH MY FINGERS.

 

[penelope10]

I have the highest respect for steps who understand boundaries. Stepping is an incredibly tough job. In fact SO tough that when I chose to remarry I chose to marry someone without children. I did not think that it was something that in the long run I wanted to deal with, or was equipped to deal with. I was able to look at the big picture and realize that when I married Hubby I was also marrying his HISTORY.(As he was mine). May sound selfish to some, but I like to think of it as dealing with reality.

That being said, if people seem to you rude or impatient or on this forum it's not their intent. We see stories told like yours told by steps over and over again in one form or another. You've been given legally sound advice. As far as having step children that don't have appropriate table manners etc. in your home... Your Hubby can set rules that he deems appropriate. Mom can the rules in her home. And of course,indirectly Mom is going to have some influence if those things aren't important to her with the kiddos. And Hubby will have some indirect influence over their behavior in her house.It's called the life of divorced families.

What parents need to do is set reasonable rules in their homes and then stick with the rules. But you gotta realize that in the grand scheme of life table manners probably should be the least of Hubby's worries.

 

[JBMD]

Wow. Such a large amount of responses....

He shouldn't have to contact the school. SHE is required by COURT ORDER to provide him with it. She does not. PERIOD.

He does telephone conferences when possible. He works crazy hours and is most times unable to attend conferences.

You seem to be making a big deal about mom not following the order for the 24 hrs. However, dad (who work scrazy hours) doesn't seem to actually care that he is getting the information about school , just that mom isn't doing what she is supposed to be doing and therefore should suffer. He seems to get the information (which is alot more than most ncp ) from mom. Be thankful for that. Most NCP's have to fight tooth and nail to get information on the kids schooling.

The intention of the "providing school papers" is so that dad can be involved in kiddo's schooling. Honestly, it isn't very tpical for the custodial parent to have to provide anything to the ncp. If dad wanted to be an involved dad there is nothing stoping him from getting the information from the school and talking to the teachers himself.

I know this may sound a little rumbled btu here is an example ... MY EXAMPLE!! My ex has physical custody of my son. I was living in MD and she in OK, proving very difficult to know what's going on in school. She refused to send me report cards (though ordered to) and wouldn't send anything at all! I would visit my son in OK as much as possible and I'd make it a point to see his teacher each and every time I was in town. I contacted his teacher through email to check on him when I wasn't in town, I wanted to be involved in his schooling so I made myself involved. NOW I live in OK really close to my ex (in the same schoool district). I am now more involved in school than she is ... the teachers see this and they appreciate that my son has involved parents. I don't get copies of anything from her now either, however I keep track of the school calendar and keep in touch with the teacher to see when report cards/progress reports come out and when other special events are. Sometimes, I find that when I tell my ex "oh, this and this is going on at school" she looks dumbfounded ... like she's saying how the hell do you know that and I don't. I think it is quite hilarious! AND it is so much less stressful for me and my wife because we don't have to worry about what she is or is not sending!!!!!

Just my 2 cents. Best of luck!

Also ..... pick your battles! It is not an easy road, so don't let every little thing get to you! You will need to learn to let things roll off your back!! BE THE BETTER PERSON!! My wife tells me this all the time (an dmy response is ... I'm fing tired of being the better person) ... but then I always do what my wife suggests (it's amazing how level headed she is in tough situations!!

 

[Just Blue]

What is the name of your state? California

I am new here and have read the "sticky" at the top. I am a step-mom who is married to a man with three girls.

The girls mom is keeping information from my husband and myself. This is against their court order. She doesn't get the school information to him in the 24hr as required by court order. When he emails her, she doesn't answer or gives vague answers (example: I will take your concerns under advisement. Thank you.)

The girls are also having behavior issues. They lie all the time when here and have bad table manners. We are trying to correct it but she is refusing to help us.

She also doesn't allow make-up time when my husband has to work and miss visitation with the girls. Therefore, we hardly see them. He does talk to them every day (per court order) but they are distant and the middle one doesn't really talk to him. She is vague and distant and doesn't want to be bothered half the time talking to him.

Also, since the support order is based on her not working and now she is, can the support order be reduced? He pays way too much support. The mom lives in a nice new house and is getting married next week.

Thanks for your help.What is the name of your state?

Define lying and bad table manners, please.

 

[JBMD]

What is the name of your state? California

I am new here and have read the "sticky" at the top. I am a step-mom who is married to a man with three girls.

The girls mom is keeping information from my husband and myself. This is against their court order. She doesn't get the school information to him in the 24hr as required by court order. When he emails her, she doesn't answer or gives vague answers (example: I will take your concerns under advisement. Thank you.)

The girls are also having behavior issues. They lie all the time when here and have bad table manners. We are trying to correct it but she is refusing to help us.

She also doesn't allow make-up time when my husband has to work and miss visitation with the girls. Therefore, we hardly see them. He does talk to them every day (per court order) but they are distant and the middle one doesn't really talk to him. She is vague and distant and doesn't want to be bothered half the time talking to him.

Also, since the support order is based on her not working and now she is, can the support order be reduced? He pays way too much support. The mom lives in a nice new house and is getting married next week.

Thanks for your help.What is the name of your state?

1) Young children go through the lieing stage (don't you remember your childhood). It happens! It isn' t mom's fault, it's just the reality of having kids (esp. girls). There should be consequences for their actions, regardless of what happens at mom's house (if she chooses to let them run wild ... then she will have consequences for her choice ... they will learn quickly who they can take advantage of) ... Stand your ground at your home!! The rules are the rules and they shall not be broken. Dad needs to be the one doleing out the punishments (it will be easier on everyone and eliminate the lovley "your not my mom" comment and the ex will not be able to tell them not to listen to you) .. My son is taugh to respect ALL adults, regardless of thier relation (and yes that includes his step -father as painful as that is to state .. but it also includes my wife) Rules are easier followed when they are consistent. Don't let your rules faulter just because mom is a laise-fair mother.

2) At the age the girls are at daily conversations might be too much. They are probably distant becuase they don't have anything new to talk about. Dad should keep it to a brief conversation most nights ( I love you ... have a great day or I just wanted to tell you I love you and goonight, don't let the bedbugs bite) ... two nights a week or something he can expect a better conversation .... like what did you do at school today or what did you do that was fun this week/weekend. Typically, kids don't want to talk to thier parents on the phone for a long time ... they have other things to do (ie play with friends, wacth thier favorite show, etc.) Dad shouldn't see it as mom keeping them away from him ( I mean she answeres the phone and that is more than some exs will do) he should see it as they have nothing new going on cause they just talked to him yesterday. Dad could also cut back on daily phone calls and maybe have a one night a week dinner.

 

[fairisfair]

I am curious as well as

what methods are being used to "correct this behavior" ??

and

how it is that mom is refusing to participate??

 

[penelope10]

Define lying and bad table manners, please.

Did you ever see the movie A Christmas Story? LOL!!! (Mom trying to get the younger sibling to eat) Hilarious!!!!Doubt if these kiddos are doing that!

 

[mommyof4]

Did you ever see the movie A Christmas Story? LOL!!! (Mom trying to get the younger sibling to eat) Hilarious!!!!Doubt if these kiddos are doing that!

The POTATOES!!! Disgusting, but hilarious.

Have the DVD and watch it every Christmas Eve.

 

[penelope10]

The POTATOES!!! Disgusting, but hilarious.

Have the DVD and watch it every Christmas Eve.

I LOVED the Dad character. In fact the couple reminded me a lot of my parents. (I had older parents from that same generation)

Can you imagine the 19 year old step daughter in this case eating like the little kiddo in this movie....