Mother seeking Child Custody. What are my options?

[Silverplum]

I've read that board for over 10 years now. If I were a man I would never post here and post there. While both boards call out poor behavior, this is the Fight Club board, your board is not. Calling out the poor behavior over there is done in a decent way and most often the posters being called out, end up sticking around unlike this board where they are run off.

Many here could learn how to post in a far better way by reading over there. Your board has two of the best posters on it, who offer the best advice I've seen and one of those does it in a very direct way. But that direct way is not offensive, it's how it should be done. It's all about the kids and how to be a good parent. While the board does not care to have moms posting on it, it's an excellent board for moms to read at, I've sent a ton of moms I know personally over there to read only. It really has helped them to understand how the other side feels on issues and has helped avoid huge blow ups with the other parent they deal with.

Huge difference in the wording of posts between the boards, one is far easier to stomach for some new person posting then the other. Just my 2 cents on it and I hope your board keeps up the good work.

Legal vs support boards: to me, they are vastly different.

(I'd rather eat Brussels sprouts than post on a support board, and I have way more fun things to do than read a bunch of angry whining.)

 

[Proserpina]

Some people don't want to hear it. I read/occasionally post at steptalk (don't ask me why LOL), and they are always bringing up PAS - I quit trying to explain that, while PA is real, PAS is discredited. Don't want to hear it. OK.

I was banned and deleted less than a day after I joined.

Le sigh.

(Granted, it was perhaps an idiot move for me to stand up to the oh-so-righteous stepparent brigade, but anyway)

 

[mommyanme]

I've read that board for over 10 years now. If I were a man I would never post here and post there. While both boards call out poor behavior, this is the Fight Club board, your board is not. Calling out the poor behavior over there is done in a decent way and most often the posters being called out, end up sticking around unlike this board where they are run off.

Many here could learn how to post in a far better way by reading over there. Your board has two of the best posters on it, who offer the best advice I've seen and one of those does it in a very direct way. But that direct way is not offensive, it's how it should be done. It's all about the kids and how to be a good parent. While the board does not care to have moms posting on it, it's an excellent board for moms to read at, I've sent a ton of moms I know personally over there to read only. It really has helped them to understand how the other side feels on issues and has helped avoid huge blow ups with the other parent they deal with.

Huge difference in the wording of posts between the boards, one is far easier to stomach for some new person posting then the other. Just my 2 cents on it and I hope your board keeps up the good work.

I agree there is a difference between the 2 boards. Aside from what I called out earlier, I feel I would have been dealt with a lot differently if I had ever posted my ex's behavior and wants. Here I think I got more legal structure than support. I'm not so sure I wouldn't have been blasted extensively on that board for not bending over backwards to Dad's BS, till I broke. Never mind he has abandoned our child for now more than a year according to the state law.

 

[stealth2]

I was banned and deleted less than a day after I joined.

Le sigh.

(Granted, it was perhaps an idiot move for me to stand up to the oh-so-righteous stepparent brigade, but anyway)

I tend to point out that 90% of the time, their whining should be aimed towards the parent they live with.

 

[gam]

Legal vs support boards: to me, they are vastly different.

(I'd rather eat Brussels sprouts than post on a support board, and I have way more fun things to do than read a bunch of angry whining.)

To a point they are different. That board is not a bunch of angry whining, they don't allow it, read it and you will see. Although I can't say some of the boards over there don't contain angry whining, I only go to the one board over there. I don't give a crap about the adult issues such as the divorce, so that board over there might have angry whining. I don't go to the divorce board here either, again I don't give a crap about the adults in this and those issues.

That board does a great balance with the legal and support parts. I didn't say either board should be filled with a bunch of angry whining or sappy support posts, if I wanted that well then I would not be at that board or this one. This board says legal, but there are very few posters here who are actually qualified on the legal end, many posters screw up the legal parts on a regular basis here, including myself. This board says legal, but there are very few posters(if any at all)who stick just to the legal side, you all jump into the support side on a regular basis. No such thing as in custody situations as just legal, no one can deal with just legal until they get those emotions in check. No one's situation will ever improve just dealing with the legal end when they don't get those emotions in check.

This board could be far, far better and there are some really great people here who have good advice, but their advice both legal and support would go farther and help more if they learned to post in a non combative way. Just my opinion, has always been my opinion on it and I've never said anything different. There is a poster here who posts on another board on a regular basis and while in my opinion she posts here in a pretty decent manner, she posts on that other board far better. While still being tough, the words are much nicer and she helps way more over there then here. That board is a legal board to, but it's possible to post legally without tearing someone to pieces.

 

[Silverplum]

To a point they are different. That board is not a bunch of angry whining, they don't allow it, read it and you will see. Although I can't say some of the boards over there don't contain angry whining, I only go to the one board over there. I don't give a crap about the adult issues such as the divorce, so that board over there might have angry whining. I don't go to the divorce board here either, again I don't give a crap about the adults in this and those issues.

That board does a great balance with the legal and support parts. I didn't say either board should be filled with a bunch of angry whining or sappy support posts, if I wanted that well then I would not be at that board or this one. This board says legal, but there are very few posters here who are actually qualified on the legal end, many posters screw up the legal parts on a regular basis here, including myself. This board says legal, but there are very few posters(if any at all)who stick just to the legal side, you all jump into the support side on a regular basis. No such thing as in custody situations as just legal, no one can deal with just legal until they get those emotions in check. No one's situation will ever improve just dealing with the legal end when they don't get those emotions in check.

This board could be far, far better and there are some really great people here who have good advice, but their advice both legal and support would go farther and help more if they learned to post in a non combative way. Just my opinion, has always been my opinion on it and I've never said anything different. There is a poster here who posts on another board on a regular basis and while in my opinion she posts here in a pretty decent manner, she posts on that other board far better. While still being tough, the words are much nicer and she helps way more over there then here. That board is a legal board to, but it's possible to post legally without tearing someone to pieces.

You paint with a broad, vague brush. Result? Nothing. Except perhaps you feel you've made some sort of Point and doing so makes you feel better.

 

[gam]

You paint with a broad, vague brush. Result? Nothing. Except perhaps you feel you've made some sort of Point and doing so makes you feel better.

A broad vague brush? I don't get it, enlighten me will ya?

Result will probably be nothing, can't argue with you on that, willing to bet ya though that our reasons for the results be nothing are far different. Hope that is not to vague for ya to get my point in that comment.

 

[Proserpina]

Brussels sprouts and paintbrushes are both different things for different people.

Maybe that's the point.


(Me? I love my Brussels. Love 'em. I can't say I love the after-effects though. Paint-brushes? I can do eye-shadow pretty well but other than that, I can't even draw the curtains, let alone paint 'em)


For what it's worth though SP, you just sort of made gam's point.

 

[Proserpina]

I tend to point out that 90% of the time, their whining should be aimed towards the parent they live with.

We could perhaps further quantify the whole thing - I wonder how many new steps are truly aware of what they're getting into (be it naivete on their part, or misrepresentation on the part of their spouse)?

I'd go with "Not Very Many, your Honor".

 

[NotSoConfusdOne]

I agree there is a difference between the 2 boards. Aside from what I called out earlier, I feel I would have been dealt with a lot differently if I had ever posted my ex's behavior and wants. Here I think I got more legal structure than support. I'm not so sure I wouldn't have been blasted extensively on that board for not bending over backwards to Dad's BS, till I broke. Never mind he has abandoned our child for now more than a year according to the state law.

No, you'd have been told to get dad to log in. And we don't tolerate BS once it is detected, and he would have been taken to task if it smelled like he was inactive in his kid's lives. It chaps me to no end when a dad perpetuates the absentee father willing to strike up a new family and nuke his old one. Cowards.

 

[NotSoConfusdOne]

Huge difference in the wording of posts between the boards, one is far easier to stomach for some new person posting then the other. Just my 2 cents on it and I hope your board keeps up the good work.

Thanks, gam. Although the boards occupy somewhat the same space, the stated goals of each of the boards are different, and both boards appear to be needed. We have our own people that have issues running others off. It's a learning process that takes time for most people to understand how a particular board works.

 

[gam]

Thanks, gam. Although the boards occupy somewhat the same space, the stated goals of each of the boards are different, and both boards appear to be needed. We have our own people that have issues running others off. It's a learning process that takes time for most people to understand how a particular board works.

Since I've been on these boards for 10 years, this board has always been the way it is. It is needed and it serves a purpose. Back then though there were many more options, but most of those have either shut down or there is very little activity.

The purpose your board serves is for fathers, but there is no longer one decent board out there for moms, like your board. There was even a few boards that served both moms and dads in the same way your board does, but those to are gone. Now I may have missed some boards out there, but I surely can't find one. They are equal to the lovely steptalk board mentioned in this thread by others. Bad sites, bad advice that only encourage bad behavior.

So at times I get a bit frustrated that this board is really the only decent option for moms and it leaves out an important part that your board serves to fathers. Not this boards fault though, it's just me hoping this board broadens it services, which is not really fair to this board. More options are needed but not through this board.

It does take time to understand how a particular board works. Issue with that is no one now a days bothers to research, they just dive right in and I don't care what subject your talking about, they just dive in. I don't get that because access is at their finger tips, where it use to take much more to research any topic. Sitting ducks when they do that here and I can't blame the regular posters for blasting them. It's the way the court does it, and this is a legal site, so they follow suit with that.

I don't come at this from a legal end, I was once the child and I've worked for 30+ years in the mental health field. Down the road the mess the courts have made and the mess we have allowed our legal system to make in this will come back to bite us all. It's there now for anyone to see, it's just admitting it and taking the steps to change it, of course there will be some who see nothing wrong with the current mess.

 

[LdiJ]

Since I've been on these boards for 10 years, this board has always been the way it is. It is needed and it serves a purpose. Back then though there were many more options, but most of those have either shut down or there is very little activity.

The purpose your board serves is for fathers, but there is no longer one decent board out there for moms, like your board. There was even a few boards that served both moms and dads in the same way your board does, but those to are gone. Now I may have missed some boards out there, but I surely can't find one. They are equal to the lovely steptalk board mentioned in this thread by others. Bad sites, bad advice that only encourage bad behavior.

So at times I get a bit frustrated that this board is really the only decent option for moms and it leaves out an important part that your board serves to fathers. Not this boards fault though, it's just me hoping this board broadens it services, which is not really fair to this board. More options are needed but not through this board.

It does take time to understand how a particular board works. Issue with that is no one now a days bothers to research, they just dive right in and I don't care what subject your talking about, they just dive in. I don't get that because access is at their finger tips, where it use to take much more to research any topic. Sitting ducks when they do that here and I can't blame the regular posters for blasting them. It's the way the court does it, and this is a legal site, so they follow suit with that.

I don't come at this from a legal end, I was once the child and I've worked for 30+ years in the mental health field. Down the road the mess the courts have made and the mess we have allowed our legal system to make in this will come back to bite us all. It's there now for anyone to see, it's just admitting it and taking the steps to change it, of course there will be some who see nothing wrong with the current mess.

I think that most of us just don't know how it could be changed to make it better. Every time I think of something that I think could make it better, it makes it worse in other ways.

For example, I honestly believe that children need the security of having one place that is "home". However, I also believe that children need face time with both parents as often as possible, even daily if possible. However there are few divorced or separated parents who could make that work. I really think that the whole concept of sleeping equal nights at both homes is horrible for children. I cannot imagine any adult who would be willing to live that kind of lifestyle, so why do we think its right to make children live that way? Yet, at the same time in many scenarios the non-custodial parent would end up marginalized without that.

Parenting credits in child support calculations are extremely fair, yet at the same time it causes many, many more fights about timeshare as many people tend to attempt to minimize or maximize child support. How do we fix that?

Does mediation bring less conflict or more conflict? Do Gals, evaluators and Casas bring less conflict or more conflict as parents attempt to portray the other parent in a bad light?

I just flat out don't know how to make it better and what could be changed to make it better...other than parents leaving their egos at the door.

 

[NotSoConfusdOne]

I think that most of us just don't know how it could be changed to make it better. Every time I think of something that I think could make it better, it makes it worse in other ways.

For example, I honestly believe that children need the security of having one place that is "home". However, I also believe that children need face time with both parents as often as possible, even daily if possible. However there are few divorced or separated parents who could make that work. I really think that the whole concept of sleeping equal nights at both homes is horrible for children. I cannot imagine any adult who would be willing to live that kind of lifestyle, so why do we think its right to make children live that way? Yet, at the same time in many scenarios the non-custodial parent would end up marginalized without that.

Honestly, for most kids the living at two houses is only going to be as bad as mom and dad make it for them. If the power struggle is still going on, and the parents really aren't adults, it will not be good for the kids. In my case, although I am leaning towards a possible mod towards me as primary (from 50/50), my son yells 'DADDDDYYYYY!' And runs and jumps in my arms when I pick him up on his days with me. Guess what he does when he sees mom?

As much as I think she is not the best parent, one thing we both do is hide our issues from the kids so that they don't see the machinations. I appreciate that tremendously. In cases where that personal animosity gets pushed aside, 50/50 can work.

 

[LdiJ]

Honestly, for most kids the living at two houses is only going to be as bad as mom and dad make it for them. If the power struggle is still going on, and the parents really aren't adults, it will not be good for the kids. In my case, although I am leaning towards a possible mod towards me as primary (from 50/50), my son yells 'DADDDDYYYYY!' And runs and jumps in my arms when I pick him up on his days with me. Guess what he does when he sees mom?

As much as I think she is not the best parent, one thing we both do is hide our issues from the kids so that they don't see the machinations. I appreciate that tremendously. In cases where that personal animosity gets pushed aside, 50/50 can work.

No matter how much children love their parents, 50/50 becomes onerous on them. I have never yet met a child in a 50/50 situation that didn't secretly hate the switching back and forth...and didn't eventually want to be settled in just one place. Again, it has nothing to do with how much they love their parents, or how much time they want to spend with each of their parents. It has entirely to do with having one "home". I knew one family that I thought did a fantastic job of making it work. They both owned homes in the same subdivision, and the kids were free to roam back and forth between homes, rode the same bus to school, had access to all of their friends etc. They simply slept at mom's on mom's nights and dad's on dad's nights. Even in their situation the children totally rebelled against the arrangement when they got to be teenagers.