Nervous already PLEASE HELP!!!

[Punkyb830]

What is the name of your state? Missouri

My 12 yr old son saw his biological father for the first time, last week. We where never married and he has never had any thing to do with him and has paid little to no support.
Since we where never married there was never a custidy hearing or anything. Child support enforcement has him labeled as non-custodial parent and he is ordered to pay 50 dollars a month but will pay 2-3 months and then go a yr or more without paying anything. I am not worried about money, i am more worried about my son getting to know him, I'm just trying to tell you his patterns.

Untill about a month ago my son thought that my husband was his bio father. My husband and I got together when my son was about a month old, so since his bio never stepped up my husband has always claimed him as his own son. We finally decided we needed to tell my son the truth because we always worry that someone else might tell him and we wanted him to hear it from us. So we told him and left it up to him if he wanted to meet his bio, and he did. His bio claims to have relized he made a mistake in not stepping up before and now wants a relationship with him. Witch my husband and I (though hard) want to give my son that opprotunity.

I told The Bio from the beginning to make the decision if he wanted to come around or not and not to make promises he couldnt keep. I also told him that we needed to take things a step at a time and start off with suprivised visits worked into 1-2 hr visits and eventually every other weekend visits etc. He agreed. So he meets him last week, buys him a birthday present. Then he calls him twice since then.

Heres where my problem comes in: He calls me tonight and tells me that he lives in low income apartments (that fact I already knew) and that its a 2 bedroom and him his wife and 2 boys are very crowded, so he went to the housing authority and told them that he was going to start getting visits with his other son, so he needed a 3 bedroom apartment so they would have plenty of room. They told him they would have to have my sons social security number, and he asked me if I would give it to him. I told him I wasnt sure. To me this sounds very suspicious, but even if thats the real reason he wants the number, I think its wrong that he's already using my son to gain personal benifit.

Then my son tells him on the phone that he wishes he could see him this weekend and he tells my son that he can come spend the weekend if I say its okay and that they will go fishing and do this and that and so my sons all excited and I have to explain to him that I have'nt had anything to do with is bio for almost 12 years, so that we don't really know him and my son does'nt really know him and we have to all take the time to build trust and a relationship before I will feel comfortable letting him take him. So of course my son was very upset and crying and I had to try and make him understand that I had to protect him
etc. So the Bio is already over stepping the guidelines he agreed to.

So I am nervous and don't quite know what the bio may be up to. I want to make sure that my husband and I have our rights defined so I can protect my son and us in case he tried to pull something. Since the Bio and I where never married and my husband and I have rasied my son on our own and he's never come around, does the bio have any legal rights? What are my rights? And what do I have to do to make sure that if I died tomorrow, no one could take my son away from my husband?
I was really hopeing and still am, that everything would go smooth for my sons sake. I don't want to be fighting with his Bio, I just want to do whats best for my son.

What is the name of your state? Missouri

 

[wildncrazy]

start slowly

you have rights, your husband does not, no matter how long your husband has been in your son's life, he is a legal stranger to the boy, and can do nothing legally where your son is concerned. if you were to pass away, his father would get custody, unless he is proven unfit, he has more rights then anyone else. id start out with supervised visits, since your son doesnt know him, but be aware he will eventually get unsupervised visitation, good luck to you!

 

[stealth2]

At this point in time, you call the shots on visitation. It really would be wise, however, to get visitation spelled out via a court order. As stated before, your husband has no rights at this point in time.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

I will only address the following two issues.

Heres where my problem comes in: He calls me tonight and tells me that he lives in low income apartments (that fact I already knew) and that its a 2 bedroom and him his wife and 2 boys are very crowded, so he went to the housing authority and told them that he was going to start getting visits with his other son, so he needed a 3 bedroom apartment so they would have plenty of room. They told him they would have to have my sons social security number, and he asked me if I would give it to him. I told him I wasnt sure. To me this sounds very suspicious, but even if thats the real reason he wants the number, I think its wrong that he's already using my son to gain personal benifit.

As the child's father, (yes, legally he has been adjudicated as the father) he has a right to that information. He is also correct, as the housing authority requires the information for all parties living in the residence, regardless of for how long.

Then my son tells him on the phone that he wishes he could see him this weekend and he tells my son that he can come spend the weekend if I say its okay and that they will go fishing and do this and that and so my sons all excited and I have to explain to him that I have'nt had anything to do with is bio for almost 12 years, so that we don't really know him and my son does'nt really know him and we have to all take the time to build trust and a relationship before I will feel comfortable letting him take him. So of course my son was very upset and crying and I had to try and make him understand that I had to protect him
etc. So the Bio is already over stepping the guidelines he agreed to.

And that last statement is absolutely false. The bio-father told your son that he could come IF you agreed. He did everything correct and to place the blame on his shoulders is not correct.

What I find interesting in the above is this statement:
I have to explain to him that I have'nt had anything to do with is bio for almost 12 years, so that we don't really know him and my son does'nt really know him and we have to all take the time to build trust and a relationship before I will feel comfortable letting him take him.

You are allowing your fears and phobia to interfer with the father's rights, whether or not recognized by the court at this time. Just remember, although he does not have legal visitation at this time, everything you do now will reflect on the amount and type of visitation he receives in the future.

I would very strongly suggest you get over your 'feelings' and work something out. Otherwise, you can find yourself in front of a judge explaining why you are taking the bio-father's money and withholding his rights.

 

[stealth2]

Also, this child is 12 - not 2. Presumably, he's capable of using a phone and knows your phone number. If you're concerned that he won't be able to get hold of you for whatever reason, buy him a prepaid cell phone (tracfone has good deals).

And is this the same child who freaked over your buying an alcoholic beverage?

 

[nicetryadmin]

you have rights, your husband does not, no matter how long your husband has been in your son's life, he is a legal stranger to the boy, and can do nothing legally where your son is concerned. if you were to pass away, his father would get custody, unless he is proven unfit, he has more rights then anyone else. id start out with supervised visits, since your son doesnt know him, but be aware he will eventually get unsupervised visitation, good luck to you!

Wild n crazy huh, Kelly???

Is that how you wind up in the sack with all members of your family and whatnot??

Smile...you've been punk'd.

 

[LdiJ]

I personally wouldn't give him the social security number. At least not at this stage. You don't know the man at all anymore and there is WAY too much damage that he could do with the child's SS number.

You need to build some trust and have some idea of his character before releasing that information.

 

[stealth2]

Can't Mom call the housing authority and give them the number directly? That would solve both Mom's and Dad's problems.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

I personally wouldn't give him the social security number. At least not at this stage. You don't know the man at all anymore and there is WAY too much damage that he could do with the child's SS number.

You need to build some trust and have some idea of his character before releasing that information.

If he does not receive the information or the housing authority does not receive it in his stead, then when visitation comes before the court he can point to this incident as an indicator that she hindered his rights to his child.

As I said, he has been adjudicated the father based on the CS award. That's all he needs to make a case for visitation and the interference.

 

[LdiJ]

If he does not receive the information or the housing authority does not receive it in his stead, then when visitation comes before the court he can point to this incident as an indicator that she hindered his rights to his child.

Give me a break BB. The child is 12 years old and just met his dad....and the lack of contact the last 12 years was dad's choice.

As I said, he has been adjudicated the father based on the CS award. That's all he needs to make a case for visitation and the interference.

He can absolutely make a case for visitation. However again, with this set of circumstances the interference issue is BS. What's more, since there are no orders in place, mom isn't obligated to provide visitation at all.

Turning over a child's SS number to a virtual stranger would be little less than stupid.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Tell it to the courts.

If the man is adjudicated the child's father there is nothing stopping him from obtaining the information.

Or do you have a statute or federal law which stipulates that a parent may NOT have such?

 

[Punkyb830]

Let me make it clear that my point is not to be selfish. This is not at all about me, it is all about my son getting to know his biological father. How ever he helped make my son over 12 years ago. I have seen him once since we found out I was pregnant, that was for preternity and my son was under 2, he went over to him and tried to get the Bio to talk to him and he would'nt even look at him. I've talked to him on the phone twice both times he stated he wanted to pay for my husband to adopt my son out of tax money so he did'nt have to pay support any more, the support being 50 dollars a month that at the most he has paid ever only 3 times per yr and many years not at all. He has not proved to be very responsible. I don't know how he is now. He is a stranger to me and a stranger to my son. Would you let someone that you had'nt seen for 12 years and knew nothing about take your child for the weekend? It has nothing to do with me other than it's my job to protect my sons best interest. Do I plan to let him take him on visits? Absolutely, that is the goal, but I think that it would be neglectful just to send him off right away.

I don't care if I ever get support from him, I never have really gotten it any way. I care more that he has an honest relationship with my son free of mind games and that he does'nt use him for personal gain. He told me out of his own mouth that he wanted the larger apartment for the boys that live with him now, not really for visitation that thats just what he told the housing to justify the need. And I lived in housing before. You are allowed to have a guest up to two full weeks at a time with out puting them on the lease.

As for the telling him that he could stay if I said it was okay. He knew that him and I had already agreed that we would take things slow and he would get to know my son before he took him unsuprivised. Instead of telling my son, I'd love to have you stay, but lets get to know each other a little better first. He told him all the cool stuff they could do and then put it off on me to be the bad guy and say no.

So one week after meeting him he is already using him for personal gain and playing games. That is a little unsettling.

As for my now husband he has raised and supported my son all his life minus 1 month. What I want to know is what legal route I need to go to establish his rights in case of my death.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

The ONLY issue I will answer is your last one.

Your now husband, upon your death, has no rights. The child will go to his father or, if the court finds him unfit, will work down the biological chain.

Your now husband is just like any other stranger off the street.

 

[Punkyb830]

Thats a bit cold don't you think? My husband is more than like any stranger on the street. Most any man can make a baby, but your father is who has raised and taken care of you your whole life. I know that at this time my husband has no rights. What I am asking is what do I do to establish him some rights. Which is possible, it happens all the time.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Thats a bit cold don't you think? My husband is more than like any stranger on the street. Most any man can make a baby, but your father is who has raised and taken care of you your whole life. I know that at this time my husband has no rights. What I am asking is what do I do to establish him some rights. Which is possible, it happens all the time.

Then you tell me where it happened last when there was a biological father in the picture who has not had his parental rights terminated?

I'll wait.