Non-biological and not legal parent?

[ihatepillows]

Honestly, you need to be speaking with your attorney. As has been said "defacto parent" status notwithstanding, stepparents generally have no standing to sue for custody (or even visitation for the most part).

Your situation is beyond the scope of an internet message forum.

I do have a lawyer, I just wanted to get an outside opinion and it doesn't hurt.

 

[acmb05]

I think that one was a little unfair. They were married, not playing house. They also have been married for 12 years so we are not talking a short term marriage either.

Still does not make her mom.

She most likely is this child's psychological mother. However, that doesn't change the legal realities. While there are some states where sometimes its possible for a stepparent to get custody by virtue of being a defacto or psychological parent, her attorney says that there is "no way" so its not going to happen in her state.

Can you cite a case that has happened in, I am very interested in reading why this was done.

 

[acmb05]

Her biological mom was taken out of her life years ago. I'm personally not sure where she is now.

Well unless she lost her rights to her child in court guess who would be in line in front of you to get custody.

 

[acmb05]

You don't think I've tried being friends with him already? I've been married to him for 12 years. As a mother who has been taking care of her all her life as someone she trusts and goes to.

Thats sweet.

And I've been with my husband for a long time. I know him first hand. He doesn't show his care for his daughter at all. She is going to a school that doesn't fit her, a Christian private school, and she'd not christian. She is failing because they test her on things from the bible. She isn't religious.

Actually not true, she is failing because she is not studying. You coddling her and not making her study is getting between her and dad. Stop being her friend, if you want to be a parent then be one and make her study.

I want to take her out and enroll her into a highschool better suited for her and he wouldn't let me.

He does not have to let you, he is dad, you are step mom. He has rights, you do not.

He doesn't have any interest in her school other then to yell at her when she doesn't get A's. I take care of her like any single mother takes care of her daughter. To the point where she feels unsafe because he is yelling and destroying things around him is a problem.

Maybe he gets upset because when he tries to discipline the child YOU get in the way and take the childs side.

I take care of all of her financial needs aside from private school financial because her father forces her to go to that school where she does horribly at.

Then she needs to study more or get a tutor.

 

[Proserpina]

I do have a lawyer, I just wanted to get an outside opinion and it doesn't hurt.

It CAN hurt, actually.

Your attorney knows you and the facts.

We do not. We are a group of strangers on the internet who can only offer general information based upon what you tell us. This might differ GREATLY from what your attorney may say based upon what s/he knows, because s/he is familiar with intimate details pertaining to the case that we simply don't have.

It is irresponsible to second-guess your actual attorney.

acmb has made some very valid points - you would do well to listen.

And though you're not going to like this, you are NOT this child's mother and likewise she is NOT your daughter. I say that not to hurt you - not at all, and I'm a stepparent myself - but to help you understand the legal reality.

 

[Proserpina]

Still does not make her mom.


Can you cite a case that has happened in, I am very interested in reading why this was done.

acmb, there are - honestly - cases where custody has been awarded to an unrelated third party based on defacto parent status. Granted, they are few and far between, but they do exist.

With that said, these generally involve situations where NEITHER legal parent is fit. Defacto versus fit parent? That's not going to happen.

 

[acmb05]

acmb, there are - honestly - cases where custody has been awarded to an unrelated third party based on defacto parent status. Granted, they are few and far between, but they do exist.

With that said, these generally involve situations where NEITHER legal parent is fit. Defacto versus fit parent? That's not going to happen.

Oh I didn't say there were not. I am just interested in reading one or two of them.

 

[ihatepillows]

I don't think you understand the situation.

It doesn't hurt to get a second opinion on anything, it depends on what perspective I take. Saying what you say doesn't mean I'll listen to it, it's just nice to hear what perspective you have on it, what you'd do. An attorney won't have all the answers, no matter how knowledgeable they are. You never know who has gone through the same situation as you or not.

For example, acmb05 doesn't give me anything new, anything I don't already know. He has been very rude to my situation, hence I don't find any point to his perspective other then telling me everything wrong instead of giving me a solution since I know what the problem is.

Second, my daughter does study. How do I know this? She was in a good school and she got A's easy. She studied and did her homework. That was in Elementary School and Middle school. She started highschool. She gets good grades in every subject except her bible class which brings her GPA down.
And as for the life of his daughter, he treats her like his property. I want to give her a a more effective life. A parent who thinks about what is most beneficial to the child is available.

Discipline her by yelling at her inflicting no change what so ever? I have given her proper punishment when she acts up, not yell at her to the point of her crying and making her feel physically unsafe in the home.

 

[Ray82]

You don't think I've tried being friends with him already? I've been married to him for 12 years. As a mother who has been taking care of her all her life as someone she trusts and goes to.

And I've been with my husband for a long time. I know him first hand. He doesn't show his care for his daughter at all. She is going to a school that doesn't fit her, a Christian private school, and she'd not christian. She is failing because they test her on things from the bible. She isn't religious. I want to take her out and enroll her into a highschool better suited for her and he wouldn't let me. He doesn't have any interest in her school other then to yell at her when she doesn't get A's. I take care of her like any single mother takes care of her daughter. To the point where she feels unsafe because he is yelling and destroying things around him is a problem.

I take care of all of her financial needs aside from private school financial because her father forces her to go to that school where she does horribly at.

What I would do as a non-legal expert in your situation is drop any thoughts of legally being able to see the child.

Communicate a desire to still be in the child's life to the father at a time when it's appropriate. Preferably after giving in to something they want and having buttered them up a bit.

I would do everything I could to not drive a wedge between daughter and father. Even if it weren't true I would tell the daughter that her father loves her and is only acting in what he feels is her best interest so that the father feels comfortable and not threatened while the child is still supported. The worse thing that can come of that is she will just think you don't understand.

I am not religious and I never liked art. Didn't stop me from getting an A in art class. This teen girl is rebelling and needs to be told that she needs to try regardless of it being against her views.

I would offer to take the child to counseling myself to the father in hopes that it would mean time we could spend together there and back.

Thats just what I would do if I really wanted to stay in her life. What you do is obviously up to you but if you really care about her, based on the little bit I've read you type, the father needs to be in her life.

Having someone stressful in your house that you don't love can cause you to act out to those around both of you. Having you out of the home and away might actually bring them closer together if you just stay out of it as well. And he is the father.

 

[mistoffolees]

Oh I didn't say there were not. I am just interested in reading one or two of them.

There's another thread from yesterday or today in Oregon that involves a similar issue. Oregon actually has a law on the books that allows someone with emotional ties to the child to get visitation. The law has been greatly weakened on appeal, but it still exists.

I have no idea if a similar law exists in CA.

 

[Proserpina]

I don't think you understand the situation.

It doesn't hurt to get a second opinion on anything, it depends on what perspective I take. Saying what you say doesn't mean I'll listen to it, it's just nice to hear what perspective you have on it, what you'd do. An attorney won't have all the answers, no matter how knowledgeable they are. You never know who has gone through the same situation as you or not.

For example, acmb05 doesn't give me anything new, anything I don't already know. He has been very rude to my situation, hence I don't find any point to his perspective other then telling me everything wrong instead of giving me a solution since I know what the problem is.

Second, my daughter does study. How do I know this? She was in a good school and she got A's easy. She studied and did her homework. That was in Elementary School and Middle school. She started highschool. She gets good grades in every subject except her bible class which brings her GPA down.
And as for the life of his daughter, he treats her like his property. I want to give her a a more effective life. A parent who thinks about what is most beneficial to the child is available.

Discipline her by yelling at her inflicting no change what so ever? I have given her proper punishment when she acts up, not yell at her to the point of her crying and making her feel physically unsafe in the home.

Please listen.

This child is NOT your daughter. You're not her mother.

This is something you need to understand and accept. No matter how close the bond, no matter how much of a psychological parent you've been, the fact remains - you are a legal stranger to this child.

And at the end of the day, that's what matters. The legal reality.

I'm sorry.

 

[stealth2]

Second, my daughter does study. How do I know this? She was in a good school and she got A's easy. She studied and did her homework. That was in Elementary School and Middle school. She started highschool. She gets good grades in every subject except her bible class which brings her GPA down.

Not liking or connecting with a subject is an excuse. My daughter doesn't like to read (I don't know where she came from). That is not an adequate reason for doing poorly in Lit class. So your stepdaughter isn't religious - so what? She can still apply herself to the subject and do well. If she doesn't want to? Too bad. If you were any sort of parent, you'd tell her to suck it up and do it.

You'd rather be her friend than any sort of parent to her, from what you've posted.

 

[ihatepillows]

There's another thread from yesterday or today in Oregon that involves a similar issue. Oregon actually has a law on the books that allows someone with emotional ties to the child to get visitation. The law has been greatly weakened on appeal, but it still exists.

I have no idea if a similar law exists in CA.

Ah, thank you for giving me some useful information.

 

[ihatepillows]

Please listen.

This child is NOT your daughter. You're not her mother.

This is something you need to understand and accept. No matter how close the bond, no matter how much of a psychological parent you've been, the fact remains - you are a legal stranger to this child.

And at the end of the day, that's what matters. The legal reality.

I'm sorry.

Thanks for telling me something I know.

 

[ihatepillows]

Not liking or connecting with a subject is an excuse. My daughter doesn't like to read (I don't know where she came from). That is not an adequate reason for doing poorly in Lit class. So your stepdaughter isn't religious - so what? She can still apply herself to the subject and do well. If she doesn't want to? Too bad. If you were any sort of parent, you'd tell her to suck it up and do it.

You'd rather be her friend than any sort of parent to her, from what you've posted.

She's an Athiest and she does have her reason behind it. She's not learning a subject because:
1. She is being forced to learn a belief she doesn't want to.
2. She knows the basics, this knowledge isn't useful to her whatsoever in the future
3. She has told me she wants to leave because she feels uncomfortable and is actually being bullied for being an Atheist in a Christian school.

This stops her from achieving what she wants to.