Pregnant from affair - paternity/custody questions

[CH1990]

Sorry - was actually talking about your current child. This thread has gone on a long time...

My husband and I don't have any existing children.

I'm pregnant with twins.

The father is almost certainly the man I've been having an affair with, NOT my husband. There is a very very small chance that it could be my husband.

The man I had the affair with is married. He and his wife have a 3 year old daughter.

Neither man has anything in their background that would prevent them from being a primary caretaker for our children - no legal problems, drug abuse, history of being physically abusive, etc. They both have full time jobs and are able to support themselves.

I highly doubt the man who I had the affair with will want primary custody of the babies, unless his wife somehow pushes for that for some strange reason, just to keep me out of the picture as much as possible or something. She is a stay at home mom so unless my 2 children went to daycare, she'd be taking care of them all day long. I don't even want to think about that happening. There is always the chance that they will not remain together, but I still can't imagine him pushing to have the babies by himself for the majority of the time. He says he wants us to be together. He wants us both to leave our spouses and be together and raise the babies. Yet, now he's living back at home with his wife and honestly I'm just not even sure that is something I want anyway.

 

[stealth2]

Dad has his own family, it will be a mess. How do you convince your spouse that you want to take care of 2 additional kids from an affair.

Except it is as yet unknown which of the men is actually the father.

 

[Ohiogal]

Is there a reason dad can't be the primary caretaker to the kids? It may have been mentioned already, but this thread is 4+ pages long now and I'm not going to wade through it all...

She doesn't know who dad is because ... she slept with both.

 

[stealth2]

@CH1990 Remember, too, that the father will likely be ordered to help in paying for childcare. In addition to CS.

 

[CH1990]

@CH1990 Remember, too, that the father will likely be ordered to help in paying for childcare. In addition to CS.

I really hope so!

 

[Zigner]

Dad has his own family, it will be a mess. How do you convince your spouse that you want to take care of 2 additional kids from an affair.

You know...the more I think of this response, the more it bothers me. This is assuming that the other guy is actually the father of your twins: He is DAD. He has just as much right to care for your (plural) children as you do. To discount him because of your perception of his marital life does a disservice to him and to your children. It would be better to assume that he's going to actually want to BE dad to his kids. Of course, you can make plans, but don't make assumptions.

If he's not dad, then hey, what does it matter...right?

 

[stealth2]

It's also entirely possible that other guy will be divorced and his (ex) wife's input on his parenting time with the twins (assuming his paternity) will be irrelevant.

 

[CH1990]

You know...the more I think of this response, the more it bothers me. This is assuming that the other guy is actually the father of your twins: He is DAD. He has just as much right to care for your (plural) children as you do. To discount him because of your perception of his marital life does a disservice to him and to your children. It would be better to assume that he's going to actually want to BE dad to his kids. Of course, you can make plans, but don't make assumptions.

If he's not dad, then hey, what does it matter...right?

I'm the original poster of this thread. I'm not the user "Lookforward" that you have quoted. It wasn't me who said that.

I do believe that the father has every right to be just as involved with the children as I do, and that goes for whether the father is my husband or the the other man. Truthfully, I wish my husband was the father. I know he'll be a great dad and I think we could successfully co-parent together. I think it will be possible with the other man as well, but there is the added factor of his existing family. I don't wish anything bad on his existing family. It's just that his wife could very well have some influence over how active he is in the twins' lives.

I'm almost certain that the other man is the father. He has expressed that he wants to be involved and he wants to/plans to be their dad. He's a very hands on dad with his daughter. There are a lot of things at play here though. We have many months before the babies get here. The status of his marriage is up in the air. He's pissed off at me because I won't immediately start an actual relationship with him and move in together. I think I would be naive to assume that there's no chance his feelings about the situation could change. I think I need to be prepared for a variety of possible outcomes.

 

[Zigner]

I'm the original poster of this thread. I'm not the user "Lookforward" that you have quoted. It wasn't me who said that.

I apologize for the mistake. What I said is entirely applicable, but not towards you.