Stipulation from dad

[summerdawn]

One of the reasons I posted what he sent me was because some of the seniors were telling me it might be in my best interest to settle out of court with him and stipulate, and I was seriously thinking about doing it-until I received the suggested stip from him and thought it was pretty far from what we actually agreed upon. I just thought it was kind of cr*ppy that I was finally feeling comfortable about things working out well between us, and thinking we might not be butting heads anymore, and then I received that and it kind of made me feel like I I was stupid for actually thinking it was going to go well. I'm so tired of all of this.

I actually wasn't aware that it would go to trial. I just thought maybe the judge would decide for us if dad couldn't agree. I've never had him actually try to fight the agreements before, and I am nervous about going up against his attorney when I can't afford one myself. I have never actually faced his attorney in court-the one time we did take it all the way to court, he was representing himself at the time. He has his wife, his MIL, and his attorney to go to. I thought I had this site, but I guess I have asked too many questions here. I am sorry if you all feel that I am wasting your time. Thank you for the help you have given me. I appreciate it.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I'm going to recommend that you start writing notes on what you DO remember agreeing on and WHY.

For example, you agreed to phone calls because the wife is the one sending the emails and not the father of the children. With a phone call, only the parents are involved.

Go point by point on everything that was covered.

You stated that the children returned to school the next day after lice was discovered. Then that is the point you need to make clear - that you don't need to send children to daddy to take care of it for a week since you have done so in one day.

If dad stated that he was happy with his visitation in mediation, then state that.

You feel like you are getting overwhelmed - then write it out and give the reasons for each so that when you are in court, you have your notes.

MIL and wife cannot be next to daddy guiding him along - only his attorney.

 

[summerdawn]

I'm going to recommend that you start writing notes on what you DO remember agreeing on and WHY.

For example, you agreed to phone calls because the wife is the one sending the emails and not the father of the children. With a phone call, only the parents are involved.

Go point by point on everything that was covered.

You stated that the children returned to school the next day after lice was discovered. Then that is the point you need to make clear - that you don't need to send children to daddy to take care of it for a week since you have done so in one day.

If dad stated that he was happy with his visitation in mediation, then state that.

You feel like you are getting overwhelmed - then write it out and give the reasons for each so that when you are in court, you have your notes.

MIL and wife cannot be next to daddy guiding him along - only his attorney.

I think it was you who asked how I would know what we agreed on in the last thread, so I sat down and already wrote out everything right after you asked while it was still fresh in my mind. I did it point by point and have it handy.

I also have the letter from the school stating that the children were back the next day, and the mediator made a copy of it for our file as well. I don't know if she will be including it in the report or not.

I will print out the stipulation and make notes on why I don't feel comfortable with the points I don't agree with just in case they try to bring that stip to court. I hadn't thought of that and it is a great idea, thank you.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I think it was you who asked how I would know what we agreed on in the last thread, so I sat down and already wrote out everything right after you asked while it was still fresh in my mind. I did it point by point and have it handy.

I also have the letter from the school stating that the children were back the next day, and the mediator made a copy of it for our file as well. I don't know if she will be including it in the report or not.

I will print out the stipulation and make notes on why I don't feel comfortable with the points I don't agree with just in case they try to bring that stip to court. I hadn't thought of that and it is a great idea, thank you.

It can be as simple as, This was NOT what was agreed upon. PERIOD. Don't poke the bear. Is there ANYTHING in it that was agreed upon?

I would write out a different copy of the stipulation based on your recollection of what you did agree upon. Include a copy of the mediator report to back you.

 

[mistoffolees]

If she's feeling overwhelmed, I'm going to suggest therapy because that's where you go to work that out.

Clearly, she'd benefit from that.

Meanwhile, I'd suggest that she stop having any substantive discussions with anyone but her attorney. If Dad wants to make a change in something - have him send it to the attorney. If Dad's wife wants to get involved - she can go through the attorney.

SD clearly can't handle the situation without getting overwhelmed and going into panic mode. Let the attorney run interference.

And get the counseling that was suggested.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Misty - she's going pro per cuz there's no $$ for an attorney. And yes, Summer, get some counseling to help deal with stress times.

 

[CJane]

What's funny to me about the lice thing is that Dad is insisting on the children coming to HIS home and therefore risking spreading the bugs. And he wants to determine exactly what Mom should do, down to how she does her laundry - but it clearly doesn't go both ways because he's not stating that when the kids return to mom, that HE will do the same.

 

[summerdawn]

We did agree on this part (the bold, but they expanded it-I don't know where the going without a meal stuff comes from)

10. No third party corporal punishment, both parents shall enforce in each of there home an environment that is free from physical abuse, including: pushing, shoving, slapping over the head, any thing that would cause pain or discomfort, anything that is unwanted contact, only the mother and the father my spank the children, the children shall never go with out a meal do to their behavior.

We also agreed on phone contact:
Mother and father shall discuss all issues relating to the childrens education, health, and welfare by phone.

BUT that was how the mediator said she was wording it-not with all those crazy clauses about how the call is to go and such. Also I noticed that they did NOT include that stepmother and I shall have no contact with each other unless it is an emergency, which is something that the mediator is putting in, and I really, really feel that it is important.

As for the lice situation, the mediator's recommendation, that we agreed upon, is:
If the children get lice, the parents shall work together to eliminate the problem.

They know that I specifically don't use toxic stuff on the girls' hair because of our asthma. I was very shocked at the wording about "using the toxic asthma product" or some such-it's like they are trying to dictate exactly what I use on the children and exactly how it is to be treated. I already know how to treat it and I will not use toxic stuff due to the childrens health problems.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Then type up a stipulation modeled after the one that was given to you with the points that were agreed up and send that to dad. It's really not that hard.

We can always give it a last look thru to see if there should be any changes.

 

[summerdawn]

Then type up a stipulation modeled after the one that was given to you with the points that were agreed up and send that to dad. It's really not that hard.

We can always give it a last look thru to see if there should be any changes.

Tink, do I need to include all of the legal wording at the beginning or can I just put each point we agreed upon, and then at the end state all other orders that don’t conflict with this order shall remain in full force and effect. Then I can submit it to the judge at the court date and ask him to consider making it the court order? I am going to pick up a copy of the mediator's report on Monday and I will wait until then to draft my own just in case she added anything I hadn't thought of.

I think at the court date the mediator's report is supposed to be considered by the judge anyways, and if he approves it would just be made into an order...

ETA: Oh, send it to dad. I'm sorry, I thought I was supposed to take it into court with me. I am not quite sure what form to put it on, i'll check the california self help site and see if they have the same form dad's wife used...

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

For it to be signed by the judge, it has to have all the legal mumbo jumbo in it. I agree to the verbage that about prior orders.

 

[mistoffolees]

Misty - she's going pro per cuz there's no $$ for an attorney. And yes, Summer, get some counseling to help deal with stress times.

Well, some people can handle pro se and others can't.

As long as she's been doing this, she ought to be able to handle at least the basics. She's likely to get railroaded if she doesn't develop a backbone soon - or get some legal help.

 

[summerdawn]

For it to be signed by the judge, it has to have all the legal mumbo jumbo in it. I agree to the verbage that about prior orders.

OK, I opened it on something called SkyDrive and apparently I can completely edit it-change his info to mine, and include all the legal stuff, and just change the points I don't agree with.

I put in pro per after all of my info, right?

ETA: APparently that changes his whole file...I can't find a way to save it under my own file name and make it a different file lol. I'm going to fumble around and see what I can do...

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I've never gone into court without my attorney cuz my X is a total piece of work. HE's gotten raked over the coals cuz he thinks he doesn't need an attorney. The word that my attorney says describes him is obfuscate - figures that if he talks long enough in big enough circles that he'll get what he wants. Hasn't worked yet.

 

[summerdawn]

I've never gone into court without my attorney cuz my X is a total piece of work. HE's gotten raked over the coals cuz he thinks he doesn't need an attorney. The word that my attorney says describes him is obfuscate - figures that if he talks long enough in big enough circles that he'll get what he wants. Hasn't worked yet.

While I am normally a very chatty person, I take exactly the opposite road in court and only answer questions I am directly asked by the judge. I don't want to ramble on nervously. I would love to have an attorney but it is simply impossible. We are very low income.

I know that the mediator will have everything we agreed on in court terms, so I am going to get her report on Monday and draft up my own stip based on her report. I'll make sure to come back to this thread instead of starting a new one, and post my stip to see if it sounds ok, if you all don't mind.

Thank you so much for the suggestion to draft my own stip and send it to dad, I never would have thought of it. I just thought it was something that paralegals and attorneys did...