Stopping over Ex's house to see child...

[NYCTeacher]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

My ex lives on the way between my work and my home, I call our daughter everyday at 4pm(When i get off work) to see what she's doing and if she wants me to come over. So MOST days(more then 4 times a week) i stop over my ex's after work and spend time with our daughter, either working on homework, talking about her day, going to the park....It's really just extra 'facetime' i spend with our daughter everyday...I've been doing this for about a year.

This hasn't been a problem so far, but i'm not niave enough to believe that my ex will never MAKE it a problem and this IS time outside of my parenting time schedule....

So my question, Legally, is this ok to do?
And
If ex decides she no longer wants me to just stop over unannounced, is a year+ worth of doing this enough to establish status quo so i can have it added to the parenting plan? (i.e. father will pick up daughter from 4:30 to 7:30pm for dinner 4 times a week)

If not, what should i be doing differently so that I can have this time added to the parenting plan, so that she can't suddenly cut off my time with our daughter?

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

My ex lives on the way between my work and my home, I call our daughter everyday at 4pm(When i get off work) to see what she's doing and if she wants me to come over. So MOST days(more then 4 times a week) i stop over my ex's after work and spend time with our daughter, either working on homework, talking about her day, going to the park....It's really just extra 'facetime' i spend with our daughter everyday...I've been doing this for about a year.

This hasn't been a problem so far, but i'm not niave enough to believe that my ex will never MAKE it a problem and this IS time outside of my parenting time schedule....

So my question, Legally, is this ok to do?
And
If ex decides she no longer wants me to just stop over unannounced, is a year+ worth of doing this enough to establish status quo so i can have it added to the parenting plan?

If not, what should i be doing differently so that I can have this time added to the parenting plan?

My ex and I did that as well. He stopped at my house every day after work to "hang" with our daughter doing the same kinds of things that you do. It was great for me because I could unwind a bit and make dinner without having to deal with the child stuff. There is nothing illegal about it if both parents agree.

However, it only worked for us in the long term because I never remarried or got involved with anyone on a serious basis. It would/could have been just too weird/uncomfortable in that instance.

A judge is NOT going to order that you get to spend time at your ex's home every day, in addition to your regular parenting time. That is simply not going to happen. A judge won't make that kind of intrusive order. That kind of thing happens with unwed parents when children are newborns/small infants, on a temporary basis, but not with older, school aged children, and certainly not as a supplement to regular parenting time.

I do understand why you like to be able to do that, but its one of those things that you are just going to have to enjoy for as long as it lasts, without expecting it to be a permanent thing.

 

[NYCTeacher]

Soo, let me put up a hypothetical...

2yrs passes of me seeing our daughter after work 4 times a week.....Ex has a BPD moment and starts refusing these visits....
Each time i send an email and Certified Return Receipt Requested letter outlining that "I would normally be seeing daughter at this time and that i would like to continue doing this as it has become 'status quo' and i believe it to be in the best interests of our daughter"

Ex refuses 20 visits in which daughter has requested i come over....I have proof of 20 mailed letters.

File for Contempt, stating mother is "denying Status Quo parenting time" and alienating the child from me through "attempting to block and/or not facilitating a relationship between me and our daughter" As a Remedy, i propose "Father shall pickup child for parenting time Monday, Wednesday & Friday from 4:30pm - 7:30pm"


Do you think the judge would laugh this out of court? Or would i have a chance at a modification because of this?

 

[CJane]

Soo, let me put up a hypothetical...

2yrs passes of me seeing our daughter after work 4 times a week.....Ex has a BPD moment and starts refusing these visits....
Each time i send an email and Certified Return Receipt Requested letter outlining that "I would normally be seeing daughter at this time and that i would like to continue doing this as it has become 'status quo' and i believe it to be in the best interests of our daughter"

Ex refuses 20 visits in which daughter has requested i come over....I have proof of 20 mailed letters.

File for Contempt, stating mother is "denying Status Quo parenting time" and alienating the child from me through "attempting to block and/or not facilitating a relationship between me and our daughter" As a Remedy, i propose "Father shall pickup child for parenting time Monday, Wednesday & Friday from 4:30pm - 7:30pm"


Do you think the judge would laugh this out of court? Or would i have a chance at a modification because of this?

You'd have no shot at a modification that would so seriously impact MOM'S time with the child.

You'd have no shot at contempt when she's not violating an order. Status Quo has no legal basis for enforcement.

You'd likely get a VERY STERN talking to from the judge for arranging these visits via the child, and thereby making Mom the bad guy if she has other plans/doesn't want to see you.

 

[Silverplum]

Not that you're incorrect, or anything...but OP's our latest trollman.

 

[LdiJ]

Soo, let me put up a hypothetical...

2yrs passes of me seeing our daughter after work 4 times a week.....Ex has a BPD moment and starts refusing these visits....

The bolded offends me so badly that I am tempted not to help you any further. That indicates that you do not grasp just how nice your ex is being to you to allow those visits.

Each time i send an email and Certified Return Receipt Requested letter outlining that "I would normally be seeing daughter at this time and that i would like to continue doing this as it has become 'status quo' and i believe it to be in the best interests of our daughter"

Ex refuses 20 visits in which daughter has requested i come over....I have proof of 20 mailed letters.

File for Contempt, stating mother is "denying Status Quo parenting time" and alienating the child from me through "attempting to block and/or not facilitating a relationship between me and our daughter" As a Remedy, i propose "Father shall pickup child for parenting time Monday, Wednesday & Friday from 4:30pm - 7:30pm"


Do you think the judge would laugh this out of court? Or would i have a chance at a modification because of this?

If you filed for contempt you would be laughed out of court because mom would not be violating the orders and therefore could not be held in contempt. You would also be laughed out of court if you attempted, in any way, to call that alienation. Basically, you would make yourself look like an idiot.

You could file for a modification based on status quo, but that may or may not go anywhere, depending on the overall situation at the time. You certainly would NOT be given visitation at mom's home, and whether or not you would get that time officially with your daughter would depend on many factors, including whether or not the child would otherwise be alone or at daycare during that time.

If mom is normally home for some of all of that period of time, then the court will absolutely not give it to you 4 days a week.

 

[Silverplum]

The bolded offends me so badly that I am tempted not to help you any further.

What would you think if I told you that this is IndianaD7 and RideWithMe38?

It's all the same offensive stuff.

 

[CJane]

Not that you're incorrect, or anything...but OP's our latest trollman.

I know, but it's my last day before I start my new job, and I'm having a beery lunch, and decided to be nice.

 

[LdiJ]

What would you think if I told you that this is IndianaD7 and RideWithMe38?

It's all the same offensive stuff.

lovely...just lovely.

 

[NYCTeacher]

Soo, let me put up a hypothetical...

2yrs passes of me seeing our daughter after work 4 times a week.....Ex has a BPD moment and starts refusing these visits....

The bolded offends me so badly that I am tempted not to help you any further. That indicates that you do not grasp just how nice your ex is being to you to allow those visits.

What was so offensive about the BPD comment? 6% of the population have BPD, 85% of those are women...

You could file for a modification based on status quo, but that may or may not go anywhere, depending on the overall situation at the time. You certainly would NOT be given visitation at mom's home, and whether or not you would get that time officially with your daughter would depend on many factors, including whether or not the child would otherwise be alone or at daycare during that time.

The reason i wouldn't immediately file for a modification is the strict standards in NY concerning 'significant and unforeseen change of circumstances' But thinking back, going from 2yrs of seeing our daughter everyday from 4:30-7:30 and that disappearing may constitute as 'significant', it would absolutely not be in the 'best interest of the child' to take that time away from her and giving the time to her mother who hasn't been exercising it.

Thank you for the advice, i'll look into how to structure my paperwork more towards a 'modification of parenting time' instead of 'contempt'

This is just the kind of advice i needed to get an advantage over the ex! Thank you again!

 

[LdiJ]

What was so offensive about the BPD comment? 6% of the population have BPD, 85% of those are women...



The reason i wouldn't immediately file for a modification is the strict standards in NY concerning 'significant and unforeseen change of circumstances' But thinking back, going from 2yrs of seeing our daughter everyday from 4:30-7:30 and that disappearing may constitute as 'significant', it would absolutely not be in the 'best interest of the child' to take that time away from her.

Thank you for the advice, i'll look into how to structure my paperwork more towards a 'modification of parenting time' instead of 'contempt'

This is just the kind of advice i needed to get an advantage over the ex!

No, its actually of no help to you at all because you clearly didn't understand a word I said.

First, a contempt of court action is a completely different action than a motion for modification. So, there is no "structuring paperwork" possible. You either file for contempt, or you file a motion to modify, period.

Also, you don't understand at all the legal meaning of "significant and unforeseen change of circumstances".

Dad, your comment about BPD was offensive because you were insinuating that anyone who wouldn't be thrilled to have you in their home 4 days a week would have to be bipolar.

Look, at this point the only thing that you are making obvious is that you don't care if your daughter has a miserable childhood as long as you can continue to use her as a pawn in a game of one upsmenship with mom. It is really sad that you do not grasp that.

 

[NYCTeacher]

Dad, your comment about BPD was offensive because you were insinuating that anyone who wouldn't be thrilled to have you in their home 4 days a week would have to be bipolar.

It's not about me LdiJ, what it is is, "Anyone who would try to keep a good, caring parent away from their child is obviously suffering from some sort of personality disorder." (That's not what i'm trying to do to the mother, she's welcome over my home when i have our daughter anytime, even after i get 95% Physical custody)

First, a contempt of court action is a completely different action than a motion for modification. So, there is no "structuring paperwork" possible. You either file for contempt, or you file a motion to modify, period.

Also, you don't understand at all the legal meaning of "significant and unforeseen change of circumstances".

I understand they are different actions, what i meant more was how i 'structure' the wording within the documents....Writing is painting a picture, depending on which is filed, the 'picture painted' needs to be different.

Recently i was turned away from court because i didn't have a 'significant and unforeseen change of circumstances.' So you're right, i probly don't understand NY's definition of it.

So what your saying is, a father who was seeing his daughter everyday from 4:30-7:30 who is now all of a sudden being denied that by the mother, isn't a 'significant and unforeseen change of circumstances'? Seems like it would be pretty significant to both the father and the child....and with it being so regular, it would be unforeseen that it would stop so suddenly....What am i missing?

 

[CJane]

This is just the kind of advice i needed to get an advantage over the ex! Thank you again!

Also, I find it amusing that I have to add characters to post this. Because OBVIOUSLY the OP lacks character.

 

[LdiJ]

It's not about me LdiJ, what it is is, "Anyone who would try to keep a good, caring parent away from their child is obviously suffering from some sort of personality disorder." (That's not what i'm trying to do to the mother, she's welcome over my home when i have our daughter anytime, even after i get 95% Physical custody)

You are not grasping the fact that when a couple with a child splits up, that they have to share the child, and that means that each of them get uninterrupted time with the child. No court will allow her to intrude on your time, and no court will allow you to intrude on her time. That can only happen by agreement of the parents. You also have absolutely no hope whatever, of EVER getting 95% physical custody, nor would mom either.

I understand they are different actions, what i meant more was how i 'structure' the wording within the documents....Writing is painting a picture, depending on which is filed, the 'picture painted' needs to be different.

Nope...how you "paint your picture" really doesn't matter. You won't be giving a summation to a jury who might be influenced. You will be presenting facts to a judge. You can paint the prettiest picture in the world, but if your facts don't go along with that picture, it will just irritate the judge. In fact, if you don't limit yourself to the bare bones facts you will likely irritate the judge.

Recently i was turned away from court because i didn't have a 'significant and unforeseen change of circumstances.' So you're right, i probly don't understand NY's definition of it.

Here is an example of an unforeseen change of circumstances: Mom turns into a raving, drug addicted lunatic who has monkey sex swinging from a light fixture while the child watches...AND...you better be able to prove it with hard, cold, OUTSIDE evidence.

So what your saying is, a father who was seeing his daughter everyday from 4:30-7:30 who isn't anyone, isn't a 'significant and unforeseen change of circumstances'? Seems like it would be pretty significant to both the father and the child....and with it being so regular, it would be unforeseen that it would stop so suddenly....What am i missing?

No, its not. It might allow for a status quo argument, but even then, its not very likely.

Here is the best example that I can give you. Once your child starts school, the available, quality time for parents to spend with the child will be from after school/work on the weekdays until about 8 PM, and weekends, holidays and school breaks.

Mom is the primary caretaker for the child. You are NOT going to get 4:00 to 7:30 four nights a week. You will get every other weekend, and 4:30 - 7:30 1 or 2 nights a week and half of the holidays/school breaks...which is what you have been told in every single one of your incarnations.

My ex and I did what you wanted and we made it work. However, if my ex had been anything, even remotely like you, it never would have gotten started in the first place...nor would a judge ever order a schedule like we practiced.

 

[Proserpina]

You are not grasping the fact that when a couple with a child splits up, that they have to share the child, and that means that each of them get uninterrupted time with the child. No court will allow her to intrude on your time, and no court will allow you to intrude on her time. That can only happen by agreement of the parents. You also have absolutely no hope whatever, of EVER getting 95% physical custody, nor would mom either.



Nope...how you "paint your picture" really doesn't matter. You won't be giving a summation to a jury who might be influenced. You will be presenting facts to a judge. You can paint the prettiest picture in the world, but if your facts don't go along with that picture, it will just irritate the judge. In fact, if you don't limit yourself to the bare bones facts you will likely irritate the judge.



Here is an example of an unforeseen change of circumstances: Mom turns into a raving, drug addicted lunatic who has monkey sex swinging from a light fixture while the child watches...AND...you better be able to prove it with hard, cold, OUTSIDE evidence.



No, its not. It might allow for a status quo argument, but even then, its not very likely.

Here is the best example that I can give you. Once your child starts school, the available, quality time for parents to spend with the child will be from after school/work on the weekdays until about 8 PM, and weekends, holidays and school breaks.

Mom is the primary caretaker for the child. You are NOT going to get 4:00 to 7:30 four nights a week. You will get every other weekend, and 4:30 - 7:30 1 or 2 nights a week and half of the holidays/school breaks...which is what you have been told in every single one of your incarnations.

My ex and I did what you wanted and we made it work. However, if my ex had been anything, even remotely like you, it never would have gotten started in the first place...nor would a judge ever order a schedule like we practiced.

LdiJ! You just said "monkey sex"! I can't type for giggling - you naughty girl, you!