Taking the kids while Dad is away

[BTB225]

What is the name of your state? NY

My husband is working in New Orleans on huricane clean up. We have his kids every other weekend on visitation.

Am I obligated to continue to take them while he is working/living out of state? I have been, however it's turning into a mess because she is pulling things that I just don't think that I should have to deal with. I am growing intolerant of her, and about ready to tell her until he comes back home from working in New Orleans she needs to keep them at home.

The oldest has a serious potty mouth and it doesn't matter what I say he continues and I don't want it "rubbing off" of my own 8 year old. The little ones look up to and mimic the older ones, and since he is not mine I really don't know if I am within my rights to dole out punishment. You know, how much I could do before she says I stepped out of line and went too far.

It might be easier to just tell her she needs to keep them home until their Dad comes back to town.

Please advise.
Thanks

 

[txrose1998]

First of all, it is your husband's obligation to see his kids, not yours**************if he has visitation, he needs to take of work and take his kids......

 

[stealth2]

You are under no obligation to take the kids on his time.

 

[BTB225]

well, since they are working 7 days a week it's not that easy to just take off work. he'll be back in about 2-3 months - he's been gone since October 2005 and I have taken them all along, but like I said she is pulling things and I am getting tired of dealing with her and the behavior. I think the kids are taking advantage too of him being gone.
I just discovered yesterday that someone "engraved" their initials on my son's dresser.

 

[txrose1998]

I understand that with that kind of job it is hard for him to take off of work, but then maybe this is not the kind of job he needs to be working when he has kids to take care of**************Like Stealth said, you are under no obligation or court order to take care of someone else's kids, even if they are your husbands......

 

[BTB225]

Thank you for the reply.

Well, it is a job, and he is lucky to have one, with un-eployment on the rise.
That, and now- even if he could change jobs, I am pretty sure the judge would impute an income on him, because any career change he took/made now, would mean entry level, which could be low paying.
His skills are driving/hauling.

It's not like he has the luxury of quitting work to go to college/school in order to better himself, you know?

So, he has a job - he works full time, pays his child support, and is temporarily out of state working. I am certain he is not the only father in this scenerio.

I just wanted to know before I tell her to make other arrangements until he comes home. I was hoping to not- because I wanted to keep things pleasant -mostly for him. To not have to deal with her and visitation, etc. But their behavior is growing old quickly and like I said before, I don't know how much punishment I can dole out before she says I crossed the line.

I have read posts of step-moms on this forum and bio-moms get upset quickly if the stepmothers flex any authority muscle.

 

[txrose1998]

Trust me, I understand about unemployment.....and I am sorry if I was coming off sounding a little harsh, I just wanted to make sure that you understand that it is not your obligation**************I hope everything goes well for you.....Good luck

 

[BTB225]

Trust me, I understand about unemployment.....and I am sorry if I was coming off sounding a little harsh, I just wanted to make sure that you understand that it is not your obligation**************I hope everything goes well for you.....Good luck

Thanks for clarifying. I was not sure which way to "take" your posting.

I appreciate your reply. It's hard on everyone, all around. My husbands mother is worried about him being away, I miss him being here at home, etc.

I am sure other families are going thru similar experiences/feelings

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Have you discussed this with your husband?
Have there been any issues re visitaition in the past where passing on the visitation would affect his visitation rights once he returns?
Do the children get to talk to dad during the visits they have?
Often times when the parent is working away the other parent doesn't let the step parent have the visitation so is mom using you as a babysitter?

 

[BTB225]

Have you discussed this with your husband?
Have there been any issues re visitaition in the past where passing on the visitation would affect his visitation rights once he returns?
Do the children get to talk to dad during the visits they have?
Often times when the parent is working away the other parent doesn't let the step parent have the visitation so is mom using you as a babysitter?

We have discussed this yes.
And yes, when we speak on the weekends, I always offer up the phone to who-ever wants to say hello to their father. So, they do get to talk. I would not not let them say hello, it's their dad!!

Yes, I think that she is - because she works every other weekend - which is how we decided in the first place which weekends it would be. It has worked out well for 3 years.

That is why I have just continued to allow them to come over, to make things easier when he does return. I know he has appreciated this all along, but he knows how I am feeling lately.

I feel very taken advantage of by her and the kids are doing it too, I can tell by how they've been acting.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

We have discussed this yes.
And yes, when we speak on the weekends, I always offer up the phone to who-ever wants to say hello to their father. So, they do get to talk. I would not not let them say hello, it's their dad!!

Yes, I think that she is - because she works every other weekend - which is how we decided in the first place which weekends it would be. It has worked out well for 3 years.

That is why I have just continued to allow them to come over, to make things easier when he does return. I know he has appreciated this all along, but he knows how I am feeling lately.

I feel very taken advantage of by her and the kids are doing it too, I can tell by how they've been acting.

Sounds like the grownups need to come to a consensesus and lay down some rules of behavior for the kids if you are going to contunue to be mom's free "baby"sitter. Feel free to freely use the word "Baby"sitter in reference to the older child rather than child care, WHen the child protests, you can explain what behavior is expected of someone their age.

 

[BTB225]

Sounds like the grownups need to come to a consensesus and lay down some rules of behavior for the kids if you are going to contunue to be mom's free "baby"sitter. Feel free to freely use the word "Baby"sitter in reference to the older child rather than child care, WHen the child protests, you can explain what behavior is expected of someone their age.

excellent.

Thanks.

The problem is - I think he swears freely because that is how his mother speaks to him. I have seen her personally yelling at him with the F bombs flowing and I was appalled!!! I would NEVER speak to my child in that way, and she makes this behavior the norm!!

I have told him it is not funny and he said yes it is.

Fortunately for me, he has a job, so most weekends he is working so his visits over are kind of rare. He was over last weekend, because he had to serve community service, and I took him (to be nice) only to find out she took the weekend off!! I was SO mad. That is why I say she totally took advantage of me. It should have been HER to take him, since he is HER responsibility. I agreed because I assumed she'd be at work.

I am so done being nice with her

 

[MrsK]

Well, you are being more generous than a lot of people, including myself, would be.

Like everyone said, you are under NO obligation to watch those children, nor do I think you should. It sounds like they have behavior problems (a child swearing?? destruction of property??) and I personally would NEVER tolerate that.

Not only that, but if they are in your home, I do not think there would be ANY problems with punishment of the nonphysical sort. Time outs, no TV, physical labor I think would ALL be just fine and probably very appropriate.

I think you are being taken advantage of big time, and I would tell the mom you no longer plan on watching the children until your husband returns.

I watched my stepdaughter one time while my husband was out of town. Her mother was having another out of wedlock baby (dad no where to be found, as is her usual forte) and needed someone to watch her. DH was going to be out of town and so he asked me to watch her for 3 days. I reluctantly agreed. After 1.5 days of her acting out BIG TIME (which is how her mother lets her act at home, and she was just 1.5 at the time.) & her taking a significant amount of time away from my 2 children b/c I was constantly having to deal with her, I called her mother at the hospital and let her know I would be returning her in the morning, and let her know that she would no longer be taking advantage of our kindness in this situation or any . Then I let my DH know what was going on and that I would never again be watching her when he was out of town. He was fine with that, he knows how she acts, not to mention I was not, and HE was not, under any obligation to watch the child while her mother squeezed another one out in the hospital, esp since DH was not off of work.

 

[BTB225]

Thanks! I was trying to keep things nice-y nice for when he comes back home. But this latest thing with the community service, and what I just found on my son's dresser yesterday, ticked me off.
My son's dresser used to be mine, it's quite old - at least 20 years, so I was pretty upset to see letters carved into the side of it. I am guessing the handy work is pretty new, since I didn't notice it in the recent past.

I was worried about this when he first left, and it seems to be escalating a little more each time (every other weekend).

I do not like the behavior at all, and if my son pulled that swearing and destroying property, he'd get a whack on the as__ and time in his room all alone. I am not one for that kind of behavior at all. In fact, last year, my son broke a window in the basement and I really let him have it. We rent and that makes me even more intolerant of the destruction.

I like our place, and our neighbors- -and our landlord. I will not let their behaviors force us out!!!

 

[MrsK]

Thanks! I was trying to keep things nice-y nice for when he comes back home. But this latest thing with the community service, and what I just found on my son's dresser yesterday, ticked me off.
My son's dresser used to be mine, it's quite old - at least 20 years, so I was pretty upset to see letters carved into the side of it. I am guessing the handy work is pretty new, since I didn't notice it in the recent past.

I was worried about this when he first left, and it seems to be escalating a little more each time (every other weekend).

I do not like the behavior at all, and if my son pulled that swearing and destroying property, he'd get a whack on the as__ and time in his room all alone. I am not one for that kind of behavior at all. In fact, last year, my son broke a window in the basement and I really let him have it. We rent and that makes me even more intolerant of the destruction.

I like our place, and our neighbors- -and our landlord. I will not let their behaviors force us out!!!

If I were you, I'd make the stepson OR his mother pay me for repair to that dresser. If they refused, he'd be doing a LOT of housework/yardwork until I felt his "debt" was sufficiently covered.

What does your husband have to say about his behavior?

Why does the boy have community service? Has he been in trouble with the law?