Visitation

[jsmith1398]

The thing is, when he needs to reschedule or he is late or he randomly misses her and needs to see her, I AM WILLING TO DO IT ALL.
When it comes to me, Nothing but drama.
It is OUR baby, I would never try to keep my baby away from her father and I would never persuade her to feel anything but love for him.
I just want to be decent people who raise a good person.

*Also, he agreed for me to pick her up until he got mad about me talking to someone new.

 

[Zigner]

I'm sorry, but I really don't know what you expect us to do for you.

 

[jsmith1398]

I'm sorry, but I really don't know what you expect us to do for you.

I do not expect you to do anything. I am just asking questions.

 

[Zigner]

What questions do you have that have not already been answered?

 

[Maymee]

Why are you so insistent on an alcoholic, wife-beater exercising his visitation? From the way you describe him, he'd be a horrible influence on your mutual child and his lack of exercising visitation would be a blessing in disguise.

I can answer that. It's because, whether you want to admit it or not, this is about you and what you want. You want him to practice what you define as a normal life. You want him to do things when and how you want them done. When you cut all the fluff out of your posts, that's what it boils down to.

It doesn't work that way after you divorce. You have ZERO control over him. You can only control your life, your choices, your actions. So if things as they are now are too difficult, you go back to the drawing board and formulate a new plan. Maybe it means putting school on hold or reducing your hours at work or arranging for childcare on the weekends. That is the ONLY things you can change; that is the only thing you can control. Accept that now or spend a few more years battling this, only to find out that's how it's going to be whether you want it or not.

And just for the record, I understand how you feel but I kept a better grip on myself at 21 than you're doing at 26. I worked a full time job that often required overtime, went to school full time, and being as my child's father moved many states away, I was the parent on deck at all times. I made it work because I had to. At times that meant major sacrifice on my part but now my son is almost 30 and I can tell you it was worth every bit of struggle and sacrifice.

 

[Zigner]

Why are you so insistent on an alcoholic, wife-beater exercising his visitation? From the way you describe him, he'd be a horrible influence on your mutual child and his lack of exercising visitation would be a blessing in disguise.

I can answer that. It's because, whether you want to admit it or not, this is about you and what you want. You want him to practice what you define as a normal life. You want him to do things when and how you want them done. When you cut all the fluff out of your posts, that's what it boils down to.

It doesn't work that way after you divorce. You have ZERO control over him. You can only control your life, your choices, your actions. So if things as they are now are too difficult, you go back to the drawing board and formulate a new plan. Maybe it means putting school on hold or reducing your hours at work or arranging for childcare on the weekends. That is the ONLY things you can change; that is the only thing you can control. Accept that now or spend a few more years battling this, only to find out that's how it's going to be whether you want it or not.

I'm only pointing out that the OP never said she had been married to the guy (not that I saw, at least.) Beyond that, I like your post.

 

[Maymee]

I'm only pointing out that the OP never said she had been married to the guy (not that I saw, at least.) Beyond that, I like your post.

Oh, I thought I'd read they had divorced. Oh well, still applies I suppose. And thank you.

 

[Shadowbunny]

I am always being bullied and manipulated by him.
I have photos and text messages about him beating me up in September.
He is a diagnosed alcoholic who has does therapy but never actually completed a rehab.
I protected someone for years and somehow I am still coming out on the bottom.
I honestly do not understand. It is not like the court is against me, I just do not want anyone to get in trouble.
I just want to finally live a semi NORMAL life.

I get that you're frustrated, but this is who you chose to have a child with. It sucks that he doesn't have a job with a regular schedule, but it's reality. The courts aren't against you -- but they are FOR the child having both parents involved. Your choices are simple: find a workaround for his wacky schedule or continue to be angry. And that workaround may be realizing that he could simply be like many absentee fathers and not be around at all.

You're still letting him push your buttons -- evidenced by the fact that you allow him to manipulate you. You're fortunate that you have family around to help, because it sounds like you won't be able to rely on him. And no one, not the courts, not you, not anyone, can force him to be reliable.

 

[t74]

It scares me that you are getting an advanced degree in nursing and are so "off the wall" over this issue. How will you handle a life or death crisis with a patient in your care?

You should consider postponing school since you already have a marketable skill until the child is older and in school so you parents could modify their schedules to help you with your school requirements.

 

[stealth2]

Unfortunately, your situation is far from unique. Even when parents stay together, one tends to shoulder more of the child-rearing and bear more of the necessary sacrifices. I suspect your ex wasn't an all-in 50-50 parent before you split up. When I split with my (ex)husband, he was all gung-ho on 50-50, and we tried it via temporary orders for 18 months. To give credit to him, he did take his time, but it really didn't work for any of us - especially the kids. I ended up with primary parenting time, he had relatively generous time, but at 300 miles apart, the "burden" fell to me. And I wouldn't have traded it. Sure, there were sacrifices - and thank heavens my parents were close enough to help,

Point being - once you're a parent, you have to go all-in as though you are the ONLY parent. If you're lucky? The other parent feels the same way. Otherwise - Tag, you're IT. And you do what you need to do. Whether it's eating a late dinner of ramen 'cause you can't afford a solid meal for three (with a perpetually starving athlete), making do with the same shoes, jeans, underwear that you've had for five years (*), or yes, postponing your own schooling until the time is right. This is the part of parenting that they don't always tell you when you take the job.

(*) Giving him yet more credit (who here ever thought?), my ex was faithful in paying CS, but a 3hr daily commute to keep my "well paying" job wasn't in the cards - not if I also wanted to BE a Mom...

p.s. Wait until he gets a new g/f who's less than enthused about sharing his time off with his/your "brat"... LOL Let alone the money he's ordered to support her.

 

[HRZ]

You chose to make a baby with him and odds are you knew darn well his abusive behavior and booze abuse well in advance ....and odds are he will never live up to your current standards !

It is unlikely can force him to exercise visitation ...however you might revisit the order to add payment for day care related to work ...

For others reasons I have provided paid day care for grandchildren... and yes, actual payments were made ...and properly reported .

 

[Ohiogal]

Folks they have custody. CUSTODY is a responsibility if it is joint PHYSICAL custody. Dad can possibly be held in contempt for not taking his child court ordered times. But I agree that mom needs to realize it is NOT about her.

 

[Zigner]

Dad can possibly be held in contempt for not taking his child court ordered times.

This is the first time I've ever heard this mentioned. I know that dad can lose his time if he consistently fails to exercise the visitation time that is granted by the courts, but I've always understood visitation to be a right, not an obligation.

 

[t74]

OP, you are obviously overextended and are risking your health by having unrealistic expectations about your life.

You need to reread the responses you have received and consider what is really essential and revisit your court orders to have them reflect a realistic situation. Quite frankly, as a nurse, I would expect your income to exceed that of your ex's. Your schedule should be more predictable than his.

Sit with someone objective to review your situation.

 

[stealth2]

Folks they have custody. CUSTODY is a responsibility if it is joint PHYSICAL custody. Dad can possibly be held in contempt for not taking his child court ordered times. But I agree that mom needs to realize it is NOT about her.

However, OP hasn't given us any clue as to what the actual timeshare is - they seem to be trying to sort that out...