What can be done??

[davisracing48]

What is the name of your state? Illinois

Last posting from Susan MacLove:
ok. Daughter is 6, gets scared sleeping alone, wants to climb in with Dad. Dad is adult, know this, yet sleeps naked. Apparently makes no attempt to cover when daughter comes in to bed.

Dad goes about in underwear in front of children.

Obviously, according to the legal eagles here, this may not been seen as an issue for a judge.

But, I think you are correct in being concerned. Abuse starts like this. Yeah, you can all scream she is paranoid, a prude, etc, but my radar is out on this one.

If you can't get legal help, get counseling. If something weird is going on kids might tell the counselor who will be able to document it.

Dad is not going to stop cos you say so, he is just going to make the kids feel bad for telling you.

A: Thank you Susan for the quick to the point clarification. You are SO CORRECT, I don't feel this is an appropriate behavior for kids at that age.
NOW IF SHE WAS AN INFANT, that didn't know better, Yes that would be a little different. BUT MY DAUGHTER IS SIX.

As for AHA: My response to you,
Was yes, I did tell the kids (before I was divorced, this is because the father NEVER bathed or took care of the basic needs for the children) that myself and only a doctor can "HELP" (with whatever the issues are) the kids regarding their private areas. Never once did I say that I have taught any of the children that nudity is bad. My "assumptions" as you called them were just
an attempted to make you aware that your accusations regarding what I have "taught" my children were WAY out in left field.
You said, "I'm sorry that you had to suffer sexual abuse by your dad or who ever it was, but that does not mean that your kid's dad is a child molester or any other man that are in your kid's life. Surely you made sure he wasn't before you married and procreated with him."

A: Now, where in my postings did I ever say that he "molested her or touched her?" You also said, "Your daughter is probably freaked out about seeing her dad naked this once because you have made her deadly afraid of seeing a naked man and installed in her that it's a very bad thing, so the kid might feel like she did something wrong bying accidentally seeing him. Normal nudity in the privacy of ones own family's home is not necessarily a sick thing."

A: How in the world would you know if I have made her deathly afraid of a naked man? YOUR ASSUMPTIONS AND IT HAS BEEN MORE THAN ONCE (naked in bed)!!!!

NoW as for Rasha'a quote:I'm sorry but this doesn't add up. The child is uncomfortable seeing dad naked, yet she keeps climbing into bed with him? She is so uncomfortable that she makes a big deal out of it to mom? Somehow, I think mom is making a mountain out of a molehill. I have a six year old child and he knows to knock on the door if it is closed (not locked, just closed). Six year olds are able to learn these things (even if they are half asleep). I agree with AHA, mom is the one with the issue.

A: My daughter is only six, let get this straight. the ex is very lazy and has no common sense when it comes to things. YOU ARE SO RIGHT, I DO HAVE AN ISSUE WITH A GROWN MAN WHO KNOWS THAT HIS DAUGHTER COMES IN TO BED AT NIGHT FOR SECURITY AND HE REFUSES TO MAKE SURE THAT HE IS COVERED, NOW WHY IS THIS??? THE CHILDREN KNOCK DURING THE DAY, BUT AT NIGHT WITH EVERYONE SLEEPING THEY WALK IN, I AM NOT GOING TO FAULT HER FOR THAT. I AM NOT THERE. MAYBE, SHE DOESN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE TO ADDRESS HER FATHER TO PUT CLOTHES ON, SO SHE BROUGHT THE ISSUE TO ME. I AM NOT THE ONE MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLE HILL. I WANT MY DAUGHTER TO BE COMFORTABLE IN HER OWN HOME AND THIS INCLUDES IF SHE FEELS SHE IS SCARE AN NEEDS HER FATHER OR MOTHER AT ANY TIME! SHE WANTS DAD TO PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, WHY IS SHE WRONG FOR THIS?


Now, WHY am I at fault for wanting MY DAUGHTER to feel comfortable when she seeks the security from her father, by asking him to CLOTHED himself because she climbs into bed with him in the middle of the night?

Ask yourselves this, If it was your child and they came into your bed night after night for what ever reason, is it okay to be naked in bed with them? If so, then I guess it must be okay to take baths with them to? Either way your naked right?

I am sorry, I have a huge problem with an adult that can't make their children feel "comfortable" in their own home. Or at least makes an attempt to make sure they are comfortable.

Let's say you get sick and are in hospital for weeks. You come home to find that YOUR daughter starting sleeping in your bed (maybe because she missing you and the security of you not being there causes her to start this) and you know your husband did sleep naked and then he never once the whole time your daughter climbed into be with him cover up. She comes up to you and tells you how she feels. You console her. You go back to your husband and relay the concern of hers to him. You get sick again and go back into the hospital and your daughter's routine starts again and your husband doesn't do a darn thing about covering it up. What do you do? Ignore it? You consoled your daughter and then what drop it. Explain what to this child? It's daddy's room and he can do what he wants? Or let's say, the daughter/son takes another twist and starts to sleep nude them selves, Is this also appropriate behavior, because what it's the 21st century and people are so open minded?


Get REAL!!!

 

[stealth2]

Hopefully, next time you post, you can work out how to make it legible to read.

 

[davisracing48]

Hopefully, next time you post, you can work out how to make it legible to read.

Have a great day!

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Apparently you or admin locked your thread https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=300968 and you are unhappy with the responses you received but not making reference to the thread makes you responses here very difficult to follow. The fact that so many other members are not buying your story should give you a hint as to your future success with this tactic in trying to regain custody.

 

[davisracing48]

Apparently you or admin locked your thread https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=300968 and you are unhappy with the responses you received but not making reference to the thread makes you responses here very difficult to follow. The fact that so many other members are not buying your story should give you a hint as to your future success with this tactic in trying to regain custody.

Here is the original thread:
My state is Illinois. I have been divorced for almost 2 years (feb'06).
My ex-husband has residential custody of my 3 minor children. We have joint custody. Recently, my daughter (she is the youngest) informed me that
her father has been sleeping in his bed naked. She can't seem to sleep by herself at night when she is with him, but has no problems with sleeping alone with me. This, of course, made me highly upset. I am at the point of calling DCFS on this inappropriate behavior. Not only is this going on, by my boys tells me that he walks around in his underwear constantly.
The ages of the children are 10,8 & 6. On top of this, I have found out that he leaves the children unattended for hours at a time.

I have just found out most of this yesterday and I am trying very hard to act ractionally. I want want this behavior to stop. His answer when confronted was it's his house.

Since the 2year of the residential custody is coming up, can this give be grounds to file for residential custody? This is inappropriate sexual behavior as well as neglect.

To add a twist, in our divorce decree, we had the agreement that no boyfriend/girlfriend live in arrangments can be made with who ever has residential custody. Because of my financial situation (I had to file for bankruptcy) I live with a friend and his children. STRICTLY Friends.
If I go after residential custody, can this be held against me?

Any help would be appreciated. all eaten up!

A: This orginial reason for the thread is to see if I would have grounds to file for residential custody because of the Ex's poor judgement and it's my house and I can do what I want attitude with no regards to his daughters feelings.

No where in this post or the previous post did I ever say that I wanted to do this. I was concerned about this inappropriate behavior. on the nudity and being left alone.

As for "buying" my story, I wasn't selling anything. I was looking for advice
on what was the best thing to do in this situation. For those members who provided that, (get a mediator, counselor, write him a letter, etc) Thank you for not only being very professional, but for not judging or calling me names.

I AM NOT SORRY FOR LOVING AND CARING FOR MY DAUGHTER THAT MUCH!
I AM TRYING TO PROTECT AND CARE FOR HER THE BEST WAY I KNOW HOW!

Those others, get a real life, I guess yours are so boring that your satisfaction is putting people down instead of trying to help, as you claim you do.

As for the other forum closing, I have now clue on how any of that works and
am not sure why it was closed.

 

[Susan MacLove]

Re: living arrangements

If it is strictly friends and you have your own room it might be looked at as a roomate situation which may or not be ok according to your decree.

Good luck to you.

 

[Mbarr77]

Here is the original thread:
My state is Illinois. I have been divorced for almost 2 years (feb'06).
My ex-husband has residential custody of my 3 minor children. We have joint custody. Recently, my daughter (she is the youngest) informed me that
her father has been sleeping in his bed naked. She can't seem to sleep by herself at night when she is with him, but has no problems with sleeping alone with me. This, of course, made me highly upset. I am at the point of calling DCFS on this inappropriate behavior. Not only is this going on, by my boys tells me that he walks around in his underwear constantly.
The ages of the children are 10,8 & 6. On top of this, I have found out that he leaves the children unattended for hours at a time.

I have just found out most of this yesterday and I am trying very hard to act ractionally. I want want this behavior to stop. His answer when confronted was it's his house.

Since the 2year of the residential custody is coming up, can this give be grounds to file for residential custody? This is inappropriate sexual behavior as well as neglect.

To add a twist, in our divorce decree, we had the agreement that no boyfriend/girlfriend live in arrangments can be made with who ever has residential custody. Because of my financial situation (I had to file for bankruptcy) I live with a friend and his children. STRICTLY Friends.
If I go after residential custody, can this be held against me?

Any help would be appreciated. all eaten up!

A: This orginial reason for the thread is to see if I would have grounds to file for residential custody because of the Ex's poor judgement and it's my house and I can do what I want attitude with no regards to his daughters feelings.

No where in this post or the previous post did I ever say that I wanted to do this. I was concerned about this inappropriate behavior. on the nudity and being left alone.

As for "buying" my story, I wasn't selling anything. I was looking for advice
on what was the best thing to do in this situation. For those members who provided that, (get a mediator, counselor, write him a letter, etc) Thank you for not only being very professional, but for not judging or calling me names.

I AM NOT SORRY FOR LOVING AND CARING FOR MY DAUGHTER THAT MUCH!
I AM TRYING TO PROTECT AND CARE FOR HER THE BEST WAY I KNOW HOW!

Those others, get a real life, I guess yours are so boring that your satisfaction is putting people down instead of trying to help, as you claim you do.

As for the other forum closing, I have now clue on how any of that works and
am not sure why it was closed.

It was locked because the forum administrator would have locked it.

 

[davisracing48]

Re: living arrangements

If it is strictly friends and you have your own room it might be looked at as a roomate situation which may or not be ok according to your decree.

Good luck to you.

Thank you Susan!

We have separate rooms and I pay rent.

The divorce decree says that I can't have a boyfriend live with me or have overnight male guests stay will having the kids.

I appreciate the response.

 

[davisracing48]

[/B]

It was locked because the forum administrator would have locked it.

Why would they lock it?

 

[bononos]

Thank you Susan!

We have separate rooms and I pay rent.

The divorce decree says that I can't have a boyfriend live with me or have overnight male guests stay will having the kids.

Then you are violating the CO by having a male roommate

In my opinion again, this is not exactly a legal issue. It's a moral issue or a matter of opinion. The sleeping in the b-day suit, in my opinion is wrong, but that is my moral opinion. The undies, not wrong in my moral opinion. The leaving the kids alone, a legal issue, but so is your live-in friend because of your CO.
And the big question, can you prove anything?
What the kids say is not proof.
And, be prepared for the issue of you live-in to be brought up and your ex can prove it.
Make attempts to get ex to stop the behaviors and find a new roommate.

 

[davisracing48]

In my opinion again, this is not exactly a legal issue. It's a moral issue or a matter of opinion. The sleeping in the b-day suit, in my opinion is wrong, but that is my moral opinion. The undies, not wrong in my moral opinion. The leaving the kids alone, a legal issue, but so is your live-in friend because of your CO.
And the big question, can you prove anything?
What the kids say is not proof.
And, be prepared for the issue of you live-in to be brought up and your ex can prove it.
Make attempts to get ex to stop the behaviors and find a new roommate.

Thank you!
I see what you are saying.

 

[casa]

In court, how will you prove this is happening?

Likewise, how will you prove the room-mate is "just a friend"?

Get a female room-mate. Put the child in counseling if you believe this is affecting her mental health.

 

[bononos]

In court, how will you prove this is happening?

Likewise, how will you prove the room-mate is "just a friend"?

Get a female room-mate. Put the child in counseling if you believe this is affecting her mental health.

The divorce decree says that I can't have a boyfriend live with me or have overnight male guests stay will having the kids.
By her CO, it doesn't even matter if he's "just a friend". Friend or not, no male can be living there. I'm sure it was to avoid the boyfriend thing, but it just says male.
By the way OP, does he have a clause for females?
Most CO's kind of make this one clause saying neither parent will do this, they usually don't seperate it.
Is there a reason why it is a clause specifically towards you?

Good Advice Casa, I forgot to mention that counseling is a GREAT idea in my opinion also!

 

[ceara19]

What is the name of your state? Illinois

Last posting from Susan MacLove:
ok. Daughter is 6, gets scared sleeping alone, wants to climb in with Dad. Dad is adult, know this, yet sleeps naked. Apparently makes no attempt to cover when daughter comes in to bed.

Dad goes about in underwear in front of children.

Obviously, according to the legal eagles here, this may not been seen as an issue for a judge.

But, I think you are correct in being concerned. Abuse starts like this. Yeah, you can all scream she is paranoid, a prude, etc, but my radar is out on this one.

If you can't get legal help, get counseling. If something weird is going on kids might tell the counselor who will be able to document it.

Dad is not going to stop cos you say so, he is just going to make the kids feel bad for telling you.

A: Thank you Susan for the quick to the point clarification. You are SO CORRECT, I don't feel this is an appropriate behavior for kids at that age.
NOW IF SHE WAS AN INFANT, that didn't know better, Yes that would be a little different. BUT MY DAUGHTER IS SIX.

Just because you think the behaviour is inappropiate, does not make it so. I think it's inappropriate for people to have children when they can't afford to take care of them, but I don't get to say what is right or wrong for someone else.

As for AHA: My response to you,
Was yes, I did tell the kids (before I was divorced, this is because the father NEVER bathed or took care of the basic needs for the children) that myself and only a doctor can "HELP" (with whatever the issues are) the kids regarding their private areas. Never once did I say that I have taught any of the children that nudity is bad. My "assumptions" as you called them were just
an attempted to make you aware that your accusations regarding what I have "taught" my children were WAY out in left field.
You said, "I'm sorry that you had to suffer sexual abuse by your dad or who ever it was, but that does not mean that your kid's dad is a child molester or any other man that are in your kid's life. Surely you made sure he wasn't before you married and procreated with him."

A: Now, where in my postings did I ever say that he "molested her or touched her?" You also said, "Your daughter is probably freaked out about seeing her dad naked this once because you have made her deadly afraid of seeing a naked man and installed in her that it's a very bad thing, so the kid might feel like she did something wrong bying accidentally seeing him. Normal nudity in the privacy of ones own family's home is not necessarily a sick thing."

A: How in the world would you know if I have made her deathly afraid of a naked man? YOUR ASSUMPTIONS AND IT HAS BEEN MORE THAN ONCE (naked in bed)!!!!

You sould have never told your child that. There is a HUGE difference between touching "down there" during the course of a doctor's visit or during bath time than there is with "inappropriate" touching. You need to teach your children the difference instead of ASSUMING (which you don't seem to like when other people do it) that dad would NEVER give them a bath.

AHA wasn't making an assumtion about your daughters feelings. He was coming to a conclusion based on the FACTS presented by your. If your daughter is so frightened she wouldn't kep going in and getting in bed with him. My child is deathly afraid of spiders. Since she's afraid of them and knows that she's afriad of the she doesn't go around and try to find them. So it would be the LOGICAL conclusion that it doesn't bother the child near as much as it bothers you.

NoW as for Rasha'a quote:I'm sorry but this doesn't add up. The child is uncomfortable seeing dad naked, yet she keeps climbing into bed with him? She is so uncomfortable that she makes a big deal out of it to mom? Somehow, I think mom is making a mountain out of a molehill. I have a six year old child and he knows to knock on the door if it is closed (not locked, just closed). Six year olds are able to learn these things (even if they are half asleep). I agree with AHA, mom is the one with the issue.

A: My daughter is only six, let get this straight. the ex is very lazy and has no common sense when it comes to things. YOU ARE SO RIGHT, I DO HAVE AN ISSUE WITH A GROWN MAN WHO KNOWS THAT HIS DAUGHTER COMES IN TO BED AT NIGHT FOR SECURITY AND HE REFUSES TO MAKE SURE THAT HE IS COVERED, NOW WHY IS THIS??? THE CHILDREN KNOCK DURING THE DAY, BUT AT NIGHT WITH EVERYONE SLEEPING THEY WALK IN, I AM NOT GOING TO FAULT HER FOR THAT. I AM NOT THERE. MAYBE, SHE DOESN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE TO ADDRESS HER FATHER TO PUT CLOTHES ON, SO SHE BROUGHT THE ISSUE TO ME. I AM NOT THE ONE MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLE HILL. I WANT MY DAUGHTER TO BE COMFORTABLE IN HER OWN HOME AND THIS INCLUDES IF SHE FEELS SHE IS SCARE AN NEEDS HER FATHER OR MOTHER AT ANY TIME! SHE WANTS DAD TO PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, WHY IS SHE WRONG FOR THIS?

Again why would she keep getting into bed with dad if she's so uncomfortable with it. I can see where she may not want to bring it up to him if he's uncomfortable, but obviously she's not so upet by it that she stays out of his bed at night. She's not WRONG for feeling uncomfortable, but through her actions it doesn't seem as though it's a problem for her.

Now, WHY am I at fault for wanting MY DAUGHTER to feel comfortable when she seeks the security from her father, by asking him to CLOTHED himself because she climbs into bed with him in the middle of the night?

No one is faulting you, you just haven't shown to us HOW your child is uncomfortable.

Ask yourselves this, If it was your child and they came into your bed night after night for what ever reason, is it okay to be naked in bed with them? If so, then I guess it must be okay to take baths with them to? Either way your naked right?

Some people feel perfectly fine with both of those things. It depends on how comfortable they are with the human body. Just because a person does something that I wouldn't doesn't make it WRONG. As long as nothing inappropriate is going on I would have no problem with it, being naked in and of itself is not inappropriate.

I am sorry, I have a huge problem with an adult that can't make their children feel "comfortable" in their own home. Or at least makes an attempt to make sure they are comfortable.

Exactly, YOU have a problem with it. And yet AGAIN, If your child is so uncomfortable with it, WHY does she continue to get in bed with dad?

Let's say you get sick and are in hospital for weeks. You come home to find that YOUR daughter starting sleeping in your bed (maybe because she missing you and the security of you not being there causes her to start this) and you know your husband did sleep naked and then he never once the whole time your daughter climbed into be with him cover up. She comes up to you and tells you how she feels. You console her. You go back to your husband and relay the concern of hers to him. You get sick again and go back into the hospital and your daughter's routine starts again and your husband doesn't do a darn thing about covering it up. What do you do? Ignore it? You consoled your daughter and then what drop it. Explain what to this child? It's daddy's room and he can do what he wants? Or let's say, the daughter/son takes another twist and starts to sleep nude them selves, Is this also appropriate behavior, because what it's the 21st century and people are so open minded?

One more time, WHY is your daughter continueing to get into bed with dad if she's so distraught over his sleeping nude. Yes, if she comes to you, you explain it's daddy's room and she needs to knock first. It's just good manners anyway and she is old enough to understand that. Why shouldn't your child be allowed to sleep nude if he or she want to. What harm do you think will come to them if they do? As far as the 21st century being open-minded, it quite the opposite. We live in an age where people actually try to legislte morallity and one in which our government is trying to take away a person's right to privicy, so I think it's just the opposite. Society as a whole is becoming more close minded every day.

Get REAL!!!

You want a REAL answer to your problem, here it goes. YOU do not get to decide what your ex can or cannot do while the children are with them unless it puts them in harm's way anymore than he gets to tell you what to do when they are with you. I have never heard of ANY child that was actually HARMED because they saw a naked body. If dad wants to sleep in the nude and run around the house in his tighty whiteys, the kids may be embarassed, but they are not harmed.

 

[stealth2]

Let's say you get sick and are in hospital for weeks. You come home to find that YOUR daughter starting sleeping in your bed (maybe because she missing you and the security of you not being there causes her to start this) and you know your husband did sleep naked and then he never once the whole time your daughter climbed into be with him cover up. She comes up to you and tells you how she feels. You console her. You go back to your husband and relay the concern of hers to him. You get sick again and go back into the hospital and your daughter's routine starts again and your husband doesn't do a darn thing about covering it up. What do you do? Ignore it? You consoled your daughter and then what drop it. Explain what to this child? It's daddy's room and he can do what he wants? Or let's say, the daughter/son takes another twist and starts to sleep nude them selves, Is this also appropriate behavior, because what it's the 21st century and people are so open minded?


Get REAL!!!

There is nothing inherently WRONG with sleeping in the nude. This is YOUR hang-up, hon. I sometimes do, I sometimes don't - depending a great deal on the weather. Same with the kids. The a/c doesn't always cool the upstairs well enough, so sometimes they'll strip right down for bed. Big deal. Do they wander around starkers? Nope. But they will walk around in skivvies. As do I at times. Again - big deal.