Adoption / Cs

[Gracie3787]

There are a couple of things that haven't been mentioned or asked about:

1. How old are the children?

2. Do you know how they will feel about living with you instead of their Mom?

3. Do you TRULY believe that you can give them a more secure and better EVERYDAY life than their Mother can?

4. Do you know how your ex and new hubby will feel about you getting custody? Will they agree? Will they fight it? Or worse- will it create a situation that might last for years with the kids in the middle?

You are obviously a wonderful Father to your kids and they are very fortunate to have you as their Father. You are the only one who knows what is truly in your heart and what your children truly need, and you are the only one who can answer your own questions. I probably shouldn't bring religion into this, but I hope you aren't offended that I am praying for God to give you guidance in making your decision.
Gracie

 

[WHAT?]

1. How old are the children?

Jessica is 8, Patrick is almost 10 and James is almost 12

2. Do you know how they will feel about living with you instead of their Mom?

Like I said, they want to live with me but I am frightened that they might not be thinking very rationally when they come to this decision. I think that their choices are more money based then anything. I don't want them to want to live with me because I have money, I want them to make their decisions regardless of the money that I have. Some day they will realize that money does not buy anything but material happiness.

3. Do you TRULY believe that you can give them a more secure and better EVERYDAY life than their Mother can?

Yes! Without a doubt in my mind. Their mom is a high-school dropout and their dad can't be making more than 30,000 a year. If it was not for me purchasing the house for them to live in they would be in a trailer. I don't even know how they would eat without me supporting the children. I TRULY believe that they will be better off with me. I am here all of the time. I have the ability to get them help in schooling if they need it. (James currently has a tutor) I am available to take them to track meats and other events. Their mom does not even own a car.

4. Do you know how your ex and new hubby will feel about you getting custody? Will they agree? Will they fight it? Or worse- will it create a situation that might last for years with the kids in the middle?

I don't really know. Like I said; my Ex is a good person. I don't know if it came down to court if she would allow me to have custody of them. We currently live an hour away from each other. I told her that if she allowed me to have the children live with me I would be more than glad to assist her in moving closer. This, of course is only under the condition that I am only here to help her not her husband. Her husband will be required to hold a steady job regardless if I am providing a roof over his head.
Like I said we did not get divorced because we argued. I simply could not provide for her what she needed. I am not trying to hold the fact that I have money over her head or anything. She is a good mom. I have told her that if I received custody it would be better for her to move closer. I signed her a power of attorney for the house that I purchased for her that allows her to sell this if she wants to move closer to me (she doesn’t know this though). When she sells this she should have enough money to support herself if the move would cause any loss of jobs. We have gotten along great up to this point. If she wants to move here (and this would be the best thing) I would be more than happy to allow her whatever type of visitation that she wanted. I don't even really want any type of schedule set up. If she feels like taking them out to the movie I don't want to have to fuss about that “my day” “her day” stuff. If the kids want to go then I have no intention of stepping in.
I think that the children being with me will offer them more stability. The mother and father argue constantly. It is a lot of the children’s heads. They were doing poorly in school and getting in trouble. As soon as I found out this was happening I immediately pulled them out of the public school system and placed them in a private school. This allows them smaller classrooms and what I feel is a better environment for them. I also pay for them to attend bi-weekly therapist sessions so that they have someone to talk to about the things that they do not feel comfortable talking to their parents about.

I never adopted these children because mom asked me to. I voluntarily took on this responsibility.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

If it was not for me purchasing the house for them to live in they would be in a trailer.

My response:

Now, here's a man after my own heart! I love a guy who truly hates trailer trash as much as I do.

IAAL

 

[WHAT?]

My response:

Now, here's a man after my own heart! I love a guy who truly hates trailer trash as much as I do.

IAAL

Now Now, Nobody has yelled on this post yet. They were living in a trailer the last time they were married. Five people are not meant for a trailer. It is way too small.

 

[Phnx02]

My lawyer told me that I can be evaluated and then present my evaluation to the courts. I just got off of the phone with my ex and she said that she would fight it and that I was being silly. When we were married I worked long hard hours. She is saying that if I ever go back (I don’t think that I will) to work it will take too much away from the children.

I think that I am going to give it a try. I have nothing to lose really. Even if I lose my rights to the children I will still be there to support them voluntarily. They are important to me. I can't have children anymore so they are really the only children that I will ever have. They love me and I know it. I just hope that they don't hate me down the road for taking them away from their real parents. I just feel that not many children grow up with the opportunity to have the best education and not have to worry about how mom and dad are going to get money. I myself grew up very poor. I never had new clothes to wear and dinner prepared every night like I can provide for the children.

The brain damage has more to do with my memory. I go into lapses where I can't even remember my name. I also have body tremors. My muscles involuntarily have spasms. I am also on a decent amount of medication still but I don't think that might matter. I don't abuse the medicine; I only take it as directed. My ex does not know about this because I was still recovering when she left me.

Thank you for your advice. I just wanted to see what you guys thought about it before I do it. I needed to make sure that I was not just seeing this one sided.

For someone with extensive brain damage, your writing is very intelligent. You obviously love these children and are a "one in a million" kind of guy to have such good intentions. I want to side with you so badly for this, but my opinion is your chances aren't good for custody. You already said your ex "will fight it" so more than likely, she'll bring up all your medical problems as to why you're not fit to have custody. Your memory problems are a big issue. She could really play this against you. What if you have a memory lapse and forget to get the kids picked up from school? Or God forbid, one of the kids gets hurt and you can't remember your name or other personal info to talk to hospital personnel or other authority? Besides, custody usually isn't taken away from the bio mother unless it's proven she's an unfit mother in some way. You've already said she's not. A judge may also think that even though the bio father terminated his rights, since he's back in the household thru marriage, it's best the kids stay with both biological parents. This is just my opinion.

But if you do get custody, you wouldn't necissarily be taking the children away from their mother (or father). She will still have visitation rights......the children would just be living with you. So don't let this aspect bother you. No one knows your ex's thoughts. It's easy to assume she's been "scamming" you all along, but she also may had been totally committed to her relationship with you and not have any of this pre-planned either. If you choose to not file for custody, or do and lose, but still wish to provide for the children.....I wouldn't give her everything on a silver platter. It's quite possible she and the husband are now considering your money and generousity as "a free ticket thru life" and I wouldn't be so forthcoming with it....as a direct payment to them. If you want to provide for the kids, then pay for "extras" directly to the school, club, or organization etc. If you want to buy them clothes, toys, or electronics etc., then take them shopping personally. Buy them the things they want and need without just sending a check to your ex to buy them. If she and the bio dad are really scamming you, then don't give them extra money for the kids that they may turn around and spend on themselves instead.

 

[WHAT?]

I think that I should have been more specific with the money that is given her for Child Support. We have a system worked out where she has access to 4000 a month but can't just go spend it on what she wishes. I'm not stupid enough to allow her to just have 4000 in cash a month. I have issued her a credit card with a certain amount a month no it.
My biggest thing when we were separated was to ensure that the children are not choosing to live with me just because of my money. I allow her an "allowance" so that she too can take the children out to do things. The children are supposed to be kept out of the loop about the money that I give her at all extents possible. She is also required to pay for all of the schooling out of the money that I give her. I bought her the house so that the children had their own rooms. She purchases clothes for the children and such with the money also. Some of the money goes towards food.
Since she has not finished high school yet I have offered to pay for her to go back to school and at least get her GED. The only reason why I have offered to do this is because I feel that it sets a bad example for the children that it is okay to drop out of school.
All of the money that I give her is tracked by my accountant. I have provided her with a "pre-paid" credit card with a certain amount on it a month and when the statement comes in the charges are reviewed. Any money that is spent on the children is thoroughly tracked to ensure that she is not looking at as a handout.
The memory think has slightly bothered me also. Like I said, my ex does not know about these problems. If in the even that I do receive custody I would hire a "nanny" or something to ensure that it does not endanger the children.

 

[leojj]

I think you have done way more than you should. I don't think this woman will ever do anything for herself. You need to sit back and think hard about giving her so much money. She is getting a free ride out of you for all her family including the new hubby. I am not bashing you at all you seems to be a loving and giving father. But just think about this woman and man taking the kids out on your dime. You didn't adpot the whole family!

 

[Gracie3787]

When asking for a change in custody you will have to prove to the court that the change will be in the childrens' best interests. Since you have already said that your ex is a good Mother, has your attorney said what the legal basis will be for the change? It sounds like you'll have an uphill battle, but as you said, if your kids will really be better off with you, then the battle would be worth it.
And previous posters have pointed out that your physical/mental abilities will be brought up, and unfortunately, when a Judge is faced with having children be with their Mother full time, or a Nanny full time, I suspect that a Judge would choose the Mother, absent any proof of neglect or abuse.

On a purely personal level though, if you decide to try I sure hope you win, it sure sounds like they would be happier and better off with you. Good luck.
Gracie

 

[WHAT?]

I just thought that I would let you know that I just got off the phone with my ex. I talked to her about how I felt and all of us (the children, lawyers, mom, dad, and I) are going to sit down on Wednesday to talk over some type of plan. I will keep you posted later in the week to tell you how it goes. Thank you for your input on this matter it really means a lot to me.

 

[Gracie3787]

I just thought that I would let you know that I just got off the phone with my ex. I talked to her about how I felt and all of us (the children, lawyers, mom, dad, and I) are going to sit down on Wednesday to talk over some type of plan. I will keep you posted later in the week to tell you how it goes. Thank you for your input on this matter it really means a lot to me.

Wonderful, I sure hope everything goes well for you. I look forward to hearing how things go.
Gracie

 

[WHAT?]

I think you have done way more than you should. I don't think this woman will ever do anything for herself. You need to sit back and think hard about giving her so much money. She is getting a free ride out of you for all her family including the new hubby. I am not bashing you at all you seems to be a loving and giving father. But just think about this woman and man taking the kids out on your dime. You didn't adpot the whole family!

I don't think you really understand how I am looking at the money part of it. It is in no way important to me. All that matters is that the children are happy. I have all that I need in this world. I have been fortunate enough to have had a great paying job that has allowed me to put a large sum of money into savings. (We are talking about quite a few million here.) I don't live flaunting my money. I have a modest home (1 mil) for the money that I earned. I have no living relatives so there is nobody for me to even give this money to. Most of what I earn either goes towards donations to animal shelters and the children. I really don't care about it and I almost wish that it was not an issue. The children were brought into this type of lifestyle and I have made the choice to allow them to stay in it. Like I said, ALL of the money is VERY closely monitored. There is no way for her to misuse the money and me not finding out about it. Once you include the cost of raising the children I don't really give her that much.

 

[Phnx02]

You are the most selfless, sincere, caring man I've ever had the misfortune of not ever knowing! And Bravo for your love and concern for homeless and neglected animals! You are truely "one of a kind"! Money or not, you have a Heart of Gold. Those kids (& the ex) are so lucky to have you. Do what you feel best....I just hate to think of the ex taking advantage of you.

 

[abstract99]

I look forward to hearing what happens. Best of luck to you.

 

[nagol818]

Just a Suggestion

What about asking for 50/50. Maybe mom wouldn't be as upset to that idea.

 

[Kansas4me]

Okay forgive me for being the bad one here.

But you said you got married in April, and hurt in june and she left you then. In this short of time you adopted the kids? Great for you, they need some stability, but what kind of mom would allow you to? I mean, for me, if I ever found myself single I wouldn't have allowed someone to adopt them in that short of time. There would have had to have been a well established relationship. (on the kids part) The title "dad" means a lot more than just a piece of paper or financial support, and I wonder how you can develop that relationship in such a short time. I am not saying you shouldn't have adopted them, just that I wonder about the mom and her intentions and state of mind in allowing it.

Second, you said sex is an important part of a marriage and you don't blame her for leaving. Well I DO! I love my husband with all that is in me. If he were to get hurt tomorrow that caused him to be unable to "function" in that area, I would stand by his side. I know sex helps you "feel" closer, but I assure you a marriage could go on without it, if it was gone due to some medical disaster. (and there are always ways around that)

I think you got scammed. Whether she intended to leave you is in question. She may have intended to stay with you forever. But once you were hurt, I am sure she knew how you felt about the kids and what kind of guy you were, and knew even in leaving you she would still have some control of your money.

You have gone above and beyond the call of duty. I just hope the kids are grateful for it and use this chance to better themselves through education instead of following in their mothers footsteps.

God bless you. I wish there were more like you.