No court ordered custody.. do we have to let the kids go back to their mother?

[TheGeekess]

Dad makes it a habit to attempt to talk to her about how the kids are being kept.* She always tells us she is trying or is too busy to do whatever it is we mention. She has a washer/dryer and the 15yr old knows how to use them. So do the younger two for that matter.**

Dad has not called CPS. His explaination to me was that he wanted to make sure he was able to care for them before doing anything*** that could cause them to go into the system. We have adequate room for the younger two but no formal bedroom for the older child as the only other room does not have a door or a closet but can be used as a bedroom.

Translation:
*Dad wants to control Mom.

**The children have to do their own laundry which creates responsible children.

***He wanted to wait until he had me sufficiently wrapped around his finger so I'd agree to playing Mommy to his children.

 

[TheGeekess]

I see what you are saying. Let me ask this though. He went and picked up the kids today. He is now in the process of treating them for headlice for the 3 time in just a few months. ( I am at work or I would be there doing it also!)They were filthy and smelled so bad that he drove with the windows open. This is how they go to school. If we contact their school can they give us information regarding anything they may have noticed or if they have been sent home for headlice more often then other children, if they had to do anything about the lack of cleanliness or odor? Is that something that would have to be court ordered? We aren't trying to stick it to their Mom. We want the kids healthy, we want them to not get picked on at school because they stick, we want them to be safe.

Little secret about Lice: They prefer CLEAN hair to DIRTY hair. Bet you didn't know that, did you? Look it up. It's a fact.

 

[Proserpina]

I see what you are saying. Let me ask this though. He went and picked up the kids today. He is now in the process of treating them for headlice for the 3 time in just a few months. ( I am at work or I would be there doing it also!)They were filthy and smelled so bad that he drove with the windows open. This is how they go to school. If we contact their school can they give us information regarding anything they may have noticed or if they have been sent home for headlice more often then other children, if they had to do anything about the lack of cleanliness or odor?

Most school employees are considered mandated reporters - if something had been noticed it would have been reported to the relevant authorities.

Is that something that would have to be court ordered? We aren't trying to stick it to their Mom. We want the kids healthy, we want them to not get picked on at school because they stick, we want them to be safe.

You really need to stop using "we" hon - there's a reason we tell this to people and it's NOT to be mean or to undermine anybody's feelings. Y'know?

 

[ejyonkman]

Translation:
*Dad wants to control Mom.

**The children have to do their own laundry which creates responsible children.

***He wanted to wait until he had me sufficiently wrapped around his finger so I'd agree to playing Mommy to his children.

*Dad knows Mom has a violent temper and rather then have her take it out on the kids he tries not to make it seem like he is attacking her.

**The children know how to do laundry because I taught them how to use the washer/dryer so they could help do their chores to become responsible people. They should be able to help do laundry not do their laundry because their mother is to lazy to do it for them.

***I said that is his excuse not that I agree with it. I am not wrapped around his finger. I just don't want his kids to keep being made fun of because she won't teach them the things they need to know that most children younger then them already know. When his kids are with us he takes responsibility of them, not me. I supervise them, I do crafts with them but they are HIS children. I try to make sure they get a little bit of a 'normal' homelife like regular bedtimes, baths, clean clothes, chores, making their beds and cleaning their rooms. I make the chore list and we BOTH make sure it gets done.

 

[ejyonkman]

Most school employees are considered mandated reporters - if something had been noticed it would have been reported to the relevant authorities.



You really need to stop using "we" hon - there's a reason we tell this to people and it's NOT to be mean or to undermine anybody's feelings. Y'know?

Sorry! Force of habit.

 

[ejyonkman]

Little secret about Lice: They prefer CLEAN hair to DIRTY hair. Bet you didn't know that, did you? Look it up. It's a fact.

Funny thing about lice. The further the eggs are from the scalp the longer they have gone untreated.

 

[ecmst12]

Head lice can be a real pain to get rid of, especially if mom isn't treating the bedding.

Honestly, he needs to contact CPS if he thinks conditions are THAT bad.

The military does NOT look kindly on adultery. If he wants help from the military, he should really not be living with you. I don't know who moved in with who, but you really need to get separate places for the duration of his divorce and custody case.

 

[Proserpina]

*Dad knows Mom has a violent temper and rather then have her take it out on the kids he tries not to make it seem like he is attacking her.

He's not going to have it both ways - either he's concerned about their welfare (in which case he would have acted upon his concerns long before now - presumably), or it's not that much of a concern...because he hasn't done anything about it.

Look, the bottom line is that at the moment Dad could really land himself in trouble if he tries to keep the kids in this situation; these are not emergency circumstances. He needs to file for divorce and do things via the court system - and the reason the adultery is mentioned is because OK is one of those cute little states in which adultery can actually make a difference.

It makes your involvement even more iffy, to be honest. Tread very, very carefully OP - the last thing you want is to ruin Dad's chances of gaining custody.

 

[Proserpina]

Head lice can be a real pain to get rid of, especially if mom isn't treating the bedding.

Honestly, he needs to contact CPS if he thinks conditions are THAT bad.

The military does NOT look kindly on adultery. If he wants help from the military, he should really not be living with you. I don't know who moved in with who, but you really need to get separate places for the duration of his divorce and custody case.

Co-sign please.

 

[ejyonkman]

He's not going to have it both ways - either he's concerned about their welfare (in which case he would have acted upon his concerns long before now - presumably), or it's not that much of a concern...because he hasn't done anything about it.

Look, the bottom line is that at the moment Dad could really land himself in trouble if he tries to keep the kids in this situation; these are not emergency circumstances. He needs to file for divorce and do things via the court system - and the reason the adultery is mentioned is because OK is one of those cute little states in which adultery can actually make a difference.

It makes your involvement even more iffy, to be honest. Tread very, very carefully OP - the last thing you want is to ruin Dad's chances of gaining custody.

Thank you so much for all the information. I appreciate it. Unfortunately, its not financially possible for us to live seperately and him still be able to afford a large enough home for him and all the kids and feed them and everything else. He will pursue Legal Aid assistance and see what he can do about the divorce and custody.

 

[LdiJ]

I see what you are saying. Let me ask this though. He went and picked up the kids today. He is now in the process of treating them for headlice for the 3 time in just a few months. ( I am at work or I would be there doing it also!)They were filthy and smelled so bad that he drove with the windows open. This is how they go to school. If we contact their school can they give us information regarding anything they may have noticed or if they have been sent home for headlice more often then other children, if they had to do anything about the lack of cleanliness or odor? Is that something that would have to be court ordered? We aren't trying to stick it to their Mom. We want the kids healthy, we want them to not get picked on at school because they stick, we want them to be safe.

Are you aware that headlice prefer clean hair? Are you aware that children with really filthy hair almost never get headlice?

Believe it or not, when my daughter's school would go through bouts of headlice I would deliberately NOT wash her hair for extended periods of time...LOL.

 

[ejyonkman]

Are you aware that headlice prefer clean hair? Are you aware that children with really filthy hair almost never get headlice?

Believe it or not, when my daughter's school would go through bouts of headlice I would deliberately NOT wash her hair for extended periods of time...LOL.

I'm concerned with the rest of their bodies being filthy and the headlice going untreated. Yes, that is one of the oddest things about lice. My sister in law always stops having the girls wash their hair when there is a lice outbreak too. I thought it was crazy till she explained it one day! thanks for the response!

 

[ecmst12]

Once they HAVE lice though, if all the bedding, clothing, stuffed animals, etc are not washed/dried or bagged up for 2 weeks, they will keep coming back. Treating the hair is pointless if the rest of the belongings aren't being taken care of. BOTH PARENTS need to coordinate on this, otherwise it's a waste.

Trust me, I got head lice at summer camp one year, and the incompetent nurses there didn't detect it, so it had 6 weeks to infest before I got home and my mom could do something about it. It took an entire YEAR before we could get rid of it, with all my stuff being washed, getting the shampoo, and my mom sitting down every other day and pulling the eggs out by hand. In the end we had to get prescription strength shampoo for it. It was HORRIFIC. I was almost ready to shave my head.

 

[ecmst12]

Oh - and your BF can get a roommate. One that has a SEPARATE bedroom. And so can you. Adultery is actually a prosecutable crime in the military. It is a MUCH bigger deal then in civilian life.

 

[CJane]

Once they HAVE lice though, if all the bedding, clothing, stuffed animals, etc are not washed/dried or bagged up for 2 weeks, they will keep coming back. Treating the hair is pointless if the rest of the belongings aren't being taken care of. BOTH PARENTS need to coordinate on this, otherwise it's a waste.

Trust me, I got head lice at summer camp one year, and the incompetent nurses there didn't detect it, so it had 6 weeks to infest before I got home and my mom could do something about it. It took an entire YEAR before we could get rid of it, with all my stuff being washed, getting the shampoo, and my mom sitting down every other day and pulling the eggs out by hand. In the end we had to get prescription strength shampoo for it. It was HORRIFIC. I was almost ready to shave my head.

And still, it's not enough of a reason for Dad to keep the kids. And it's not proof that Mom is unfit. Just hat the kids are being reinfested. And I can tell you, if this situation was REALLY as bad as this woman has described (the kids smell so bad Dad is driving with the windows down in November?) the school WOULD have reported to CPS by now. Guaranteed.