No court ordered custody.. do we have to let the kids go back to their mother?

[ejyonkman]

I'm more concerned that chickie here cares more about her financial security then about her BF getting court martialed and dishonorably discharged because she doesn't want to find someplace else to live. Seriously, what were either of them thinking? Obviously they did not think it through. She has an excuse for not knowing how the military feels about adultery, but HE doesn't!

Well since this has turned into a lets bash the person trying to get help session. For the record. I make more money then he does and it is MY house. I do not need him for financial security. It is easier for us to live together. He could afford a little apartment but it wouldn't be large enough to PROPERLY take care of his children in.

His ex deserted him. She left with the kids and moved to a different state for whatever reason she thought might sound logical. Regardless of what any of you might think, I do understand the severity of the situation when it comes to the military. The only feedback that has ever come from the military was good riddance and thank god you are finally away from her. This came from the commanding officer of the armory he was assigned to.

This series of posts has covered a few hours now and a lot can be done in that amount of time. How me asking if he can keep the kids because of how they live and are when we get them. Sadly, the purpose of this was forgotten and its turned into a bashing session. Very nonproductive if you ask me. It might be a bit more beneficial to anyone else some of you assist to stick with the questions and matter at hand rather then go off on your little rabbit trails and nitpick the things that you tell people they should just leave out!

I did get some good information from this and I appreciate that, and I know that I asked for help and any information used is information that I willingly gave, but, if you are here to help then maybe find a better way of getting your point across then belittling the people that ask for assistance. I, personally, can not imagine someone coming into the homeless shelter I work for and responding to them in the manner most of you have me. It is tactless and without all the necessary information useless. None of you have the full story or know our full situation. You have taken parts here and there and attacked those rather then look at the matter with all the information given. My purpose here was to help make sure children do not have to live in poor conditions with a neglectful parent. You are all overly concerned with adultery but only basing it on his side of the situation, not both sides. She happens to be pregnant by a man that is NOT her husband. That ought to go over well in court also.

Goodbye and I definitely will NOT be coming back to this site thanks to this experience.

 

[Proserpina]

That is one thing that I personally do not understand. Why the school has said nothing. I know if I was a teacher and I had students come to class that smelled as bad as they do at times I would have said something. But who is to say she hasn't said something to the mom and she fixes it for a little bit then it starts all over again. Not to mention the mom has them in 3 or 4 different schools a year. She moves a lot. Again, not saying I agree with this, it just is what happens.

There's one thing which is really, really, really puzzling me.

You posted last July (08) on one of the other law forums - and since then Dad has STILL not filed for divorce? The tactics last year didn't work, correct? What has changed since that time?

 

[ejyonkman]

Please explain the bolded.

Seriously. Why wasn't this mentioned earlier?

One of those things that I didn't think of while trying to stick to the current facts of the situation as requested.

 

[Proserpina]

One of those things that I didn't think of while trying to stick to the current facts of the situation as requested.

You need to understand that you are STILL not a legal party to this matter, despite you being told the same thing over a year ago (on that other little law forum) and despite Dad STILL not doing a darned thing about the situation.

Look. Help IS available here. But you've got to be straight with us.

 

[sometwo]

She happens to be pregnant by a man that is NOT her husband. That ought to go over well in court also.

Looks like her boyfriend's going to have another child.

You do know he is legally the dad of this child also right?

You do realize he is the one not doing anything by not filing for divorce, especially when she moved away . He could have tried to keep the kids near him and worked on joint custody. He can , should , etc etc.

Point is he still is not doing anything that legally he should be doing. Instead he wants to just up and keep the kids and then it can turn nasty fast. You think mom won't come and take them back? Try to pull them out of school and take them home?

With the way he is wanting to go about things is all wrong. He should do it the legal way like he should have done a long time ago.

He could do it and make it work if he wanted to. I'll say it again. Sounds to me like he just wants to make excuses instead of actually doing something about the problem.

 

[ejyonkman]

There's one thing which is really, really, really puzzling me.

You posted last July (08) on one of the other law forums - and since then Dad has STILL not filed for divorce? The tactics last year didn't work, correct? What has changed since that time?

Since that time, she went to Florida and took the kids. Since I did not have legal right to keep her away from them I could not stop her and he was not home. She took the kids to Oklahoma. We started to file the divorce proceedings at one time but due to health issue the funds were no longer available. After we saved up enough money to move 1400 miles away and dropped our lives and moved to Oklahoma we could not do anything for 6 months after arriving here. He has been in Oklahoma just over 6 months.

He has been trying but its not going to do any good to try and get custody of them if he cannot provide proper living space for them. He was advised by a lawyer of that and a couple other facts.

 

[ejyonkman]

Looks like her boyfriend's going to have another child.

You do know he is legally the dad of this child also right?

You do realize he is the one not doing anything by not filing for divorce, especially when she moved away . He could have tried to keep the kids near him and worked on joint custody. He can , should , etc etc.

Point is he still is not doing anything that legally he should be doing. Instead he wants to just up and keep the kids and then it can turn nasty fast. You think mom won't come and take them back? Try to pull them out of school and take them home?

With the way he is wanting to go about things is all wrong. He should do it the legal way like he should have done a long time ago.

He could do it and make it work if he wanted to. I'll say it again. Sounds to me like he just wants to make excuses instead of actually doing something about the problem.

Paternity testing can be done. But, yes I am aware.

He is trying to avoid doing things the wrong way. That is why I came here in the first place!

 

[sometwo]

Paternity testing can be done. But, yes I am aware.

He is trying to avoid doing things the wrong way. That is why I came here in the first place!

With him just doing a paternity test doesn't mean he won't be consitered the father after that. Its not always that easy


Then if he wants to do it the right way he needs to file for divorce and temp custody .

 

[Proserpina]

Since that time, she went to Florida and took the kids. Since I did not have legal right to keep her away from them I could not stop her and he was not home. She took the kids to Oklahoma. We started to file the divorce proceedings at one time but due to health issue the funds were no longer available. After we saved up enough money to move 1400 miles away and dropped our lives and moved to Oklahoma we could not do anything for 6 months after arriving here. He has been in Oklahoma just over 6 months.

He has been trying but its not going to do any good to try and get custody of them if he cannot provide proper living space for them. He was advised by a lawyer of that and a couple other facts.

Please advise your boyfriend to seek competent legal counsel.

 

[Proserpina]

Paternity testing can be done. But, yes I am aware.

He is trying to avoid doing things the wrong way. That is why I came here in the first place!

If this child is born while he is still married, he's legally Dad.

Congratulations. He has another mouth to feed.

(though of course paternity can be disestablished after the birth)

OP, c'mon. There are so many excuses here and nowhere near enough evidence and you are STILL way too involved.

Let.
Dad.
Do.
This.
Himself.

Because frankly you may be more of a threat to his chances at custody than anything else. Trust me - I've been there.

 

[Proserpina]

With him just doing a paternity test doesn't mean he won't be consitered the father after that. Its not always that easy


Then if he wants to do it the right way he needs to file for divorce and temp custody .

Daddio needed to do this at least a year ago..

 

[purplegreen]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oklahoma
::snip::

He has 3 children ages 15, 10, and 8 that consistantly come to visit us in filthy condition. Almost every other visit we have to purchase new shoes for them due to the fact that they smell so bad I refuse to let them wear them into the house. Their mother has dispicable personal hygiene, she does not wash their clothes on a regular basis and they regularly wear dirty clothes, her home is kept in disgusting condition (mind you this is disgusting by my standards) with several animals in the house defecating and urinating in the house from the smell of things. The children always have to take baths or showers as soon as they arrive and all their clothing must be washed to remove dirt and odors including their jackets.

::snip::

It's obvious you care about these children and want to help them but PLEASE stop and think for a moment about what I have bolded.

How would you feel if every time you went to visit someone they made you strip down and shower while they washed your clothing?

My guess is you'd be more than a little bit humiliated.

Are the kids dirty and stinky? Probably. But, do you need to make them feel like they are not worthy of entering their father's home?

I know how it is probably making the kids feel because (unfortunately) I used to take my kids's backpacks and dump everything in the wash when they returned from NCP's house. Did the whole jump right in the shower thing too. The overwhelming stank of all the febreeze used to mask the not so secret habit made me ill. BUT, I quickly saw that it made the kids feel really bad about themselves. Poor stinky kids just wanted to be home, cuddle and relax. So, now I suck it up and deal with the stink until I can wash things without making it seem like I am trying to wash away the NCP. A dirty smelly kid still needs to feel loved.

 

[Proserpina]

It's obvious you care about these children and want to help them but PLEASE stop and think for a moment about what I have bolded.

How would you feel if every time you went to visit someone they made you strip down and shower while they washed your clothing?

My guess is you'd be more than a little bit humiliated.

Are the kids dirty and stinky? Probably. But, do you need to make them feel like they are not worthy of entering their father's home?

I know how it is probably making the kids feel because (unfortunately) I used to take my kids's backpacks and dump everything in the wash when they returned from NCP's house. Did the whole jump right in the shower thing too. The overwhelming stank of all the febreeze used to mask the not so secret habit made me ill. BUT, I quickly saw that it made the kids feel really bad about themselves. Poor stinky kids just wanted to be home, cuddle and relax. So, now I suck it up and deal with the stink until I can wash things without making it seem like I am trying to wash away the NCP. A dirty smelly kid still needs to feel loved.

I'm humbled by this post. Thank you. Truly.

 

[mdgtfrmhll]

Just to put this out here for you to think about and realize how serious the military takes adultery, even if his commander commends his behavior.

Person "A" was in the military and legally separated from his wife for over two years. Separation paperwork had been filed through both the courts and the military was aware of this. "A" was in the process of having everything finalized, the only thing holding up the divorce was the fight over custody. "A" and wife lived in two separate states over two thousand miles away. "A" and person "B" met and made a baby, "C." Two months after "B" became pregnant by "A" the divorce was finalized.

Guess what, the Military didn't care. After "C" was born, "A" filed to have him put on his insurance. Military did the math, and realized "A" had involved himself in a sexual relationship before his marriage was legally finished, even though through the courts he was legally separated.

"A" found himself charged with adultery, and given the option to either fight it, which he was told by JAG it was fifty fifty that he would be successful, or to take a general discharge under honorable conditions (after six months he would be able to file to have it changed to a honorable discharge) and leave the military, which he was very fond of, right then.

He took option two thinking he would be able to have it changed in six months. He did file, but to this day, almost twelve years later, it is on his record that he was discharged with a general under honorable conditions.

He can't get a job with law enforcement, any type of government position, and regrets his decision daily. You can pick which decision it was that he regretted, but what I'm trying to convey to you is that even though his commander is okay with his behavior, does not mean the military will be okay with his actions.

 

[Isis1]

It's obvious you care about these children and want to help them but PLEASE stop and think for a moment about what I have bolded.

How would you feel if every time you went to visit someone they made you strip down and shower while they washed your clothing?

My guess is you'd be more than a little bit humiliated.

Are the kids dirty and stinky? Probably. But, do you need to make them feel like they are not worthy of entering their father's home?

I know how it is probably making the kids feel because (unfortunately) I used to take my kids's backpacks and dump everything in the wash when they returned from NCP's house. Did the whole jump right in the shower thing too. The overwhelming stank of all the febreeze used to mask the not so secret habit made me ill. BUT, I quickly saw that it made the kids feel really bad about themselves. Poor stinky kids just wanted to be home, cuddle and relax. So, now I suck it up and deal with the stink until I can wash things without making it seem like I am trying to wash away the NCP. A dirty smelly kid still needs to feel loved.

i have GOT to agree! that was going through my head as well. and i'd HATE for my kids to think they had to strip down all traces of their dad off them before entering home. this is emotional abuse. it REALLY is.