Paternal grandmother wants custody of my 11y/o daughter...HELP!!!!

[LdiJ]

That's what I thought was weird. Nobody here said she was mentally ill. So, why all the defensiveness about mental illness?

I think it was Hot Topic's post that made her react that way.

Come here (with the money and the child care). Go away (if you're going to make me feel I'm bothering you).

This is a mom whose post screams martyr. I think the child would probably be better off physically and mentally with the grandmother.

 

[Just Blue]

I think it was Hot Topic's post that made her react that way.

There was no mention or insinuation of mental illness in HT post. OP also "accused" everyone except you and I of saying she was mentally ill.

 

[LdiJ]

There was no mention or insinuation of mental illness in HT post. OP also "accused" everyone except you and I of saying she was mentally ill.

I know, but that was the only thing in the thread that could have been misinterpreted. So I thought I would mention it.

 

[Just Blue]

I know, but that was the only thing in the thread that could have been misinterpreted. So I thought I would mention it.

I know...I just wanted to make sure it was understood that no one accused.

 

[LisaJoy79]

You seem to think you are under attack by VOLUNTEERS of this forum...Why? You post a question to a forum and resent the answers...Strange as the answers are similar to what you will run into in court when you have to plead your case. Nobody here even suggested you are mentally ill. Nobody. And no one criticized you for being a single parent....At least half of the people that responded to your thread are single parents.

Being prepared for court is important...We are very good at preparing people for court. If you are unable to address the questions posed here....How on earth will you deal with opposing counsel?

To baystategirl:

No, not at all! I appreciate everyone's feedback. However:

1. (Thank God) I have NOT received court papers telling me that the paternal grandmother wants to have custody of my daughter. So far, its been a threat by email.

2. According to "Court Clerk", it was stated: " You can't have it both ways.... take care of your own kid, then you don't have to worry about grandma at all. Go work at McDonalds."
I'm not trying to have it both ways....it was a "temporary arrangement" for my daughter's sake.

3. According to "Hot Topic", it was stated, "This is a mom whose post screams martyr. I think the child would probably be better off physically and mentally with the grandmother."

I'm not in the medical field. However, "martyr": I just took that term as a mentally unstable-type term that is used toward someone who does not have all of their mind, or whatever.

So from those standpoints that I've just mentioned above, I DID take it personally, and I did feel attacked. Personally.

I am going to get prepared legally. However, THANK GOD this lady has not tried to take it

to court-as of yet. It was an email that was sent to me after I told her in an email that I

am ready to get my daughter back. My daughter had been living with her for 7 months. I

know this does not help me any, but I have ALWAYS thanked her & her husband for

helping me with my daughter. I have ALWAYS told them that I appreciate & love them for

what they have done for my child. Even though her dead beat father is living right there with all of them. What I received in return was an

email reply from the paternal grandmother telling me that she will take me to court to ask

for custody of my child, because she is not ready to let my child go. This was a temporary

arrangement, and I personally did not want my child over to her paternal grandparents'

any longer than I can afford from an emotional viewpoint.

I never told her paternal grandparents that they couldn't see my child anymore. I just

said, "thanks, but its time for my child to come back home to me now." It got to the point

where me, her son, & her were arguing constantly about my daughter. And it would

always be mainly over money. I felt that since my daughter was sent to stay with her

paternal grandparents on a temporary basis, that money shouldn't have been a problem,

especially since the grandmother always boasts and brags that "money has never been a

problem for me." Now, since the "temporary arrangement" is over (in my eyes), I was

ready to get my child back. In return, I receive an email reply basically telling me that the

paternal grandmother wants custody of my child because she feels that my daughter would

be raised better with her & her family. Including the biological father who does not work,

is not looking for work, and probably doesn't care one way or the other about the welfare

of his daughter because he is high off of marijuana all day, everyday.

Sorry its long..but I have a lot to say on the matter of my child & I always will.

PS: Just to add something: I know people may ask me, "Why would you let your daughter

go to live with her paternal grandparents on a temporary basis when you know her father

smokes marijuana?"- I honestly had NO IDEA that her father was living back with his mom

again. He's usually living with one of his girlfriends. Know that doesn't help either, but

that's my answer.

 

[Just Blue]

My user name is BAYstategirl. Not babystategirl. Learn to read. Thank you.

 

[LisaJoy79]

My user name is BAYstategirl. Not babystategirl. Learn to read. Thank you.

Ok, I apologize BAYstategirl. And, I DO know how to read. Just like you

Thank-you

 

[Silverplum]

1. (Thank God) I have NOT received court papers telling me that the paternal grandmother wants to have custody of my daughter. So far, its been a threat by email.

We always advise posters to not get into a lather until/unless they are actually served.

3. According to "Hot Topic", it was stated, "This is a mom whose post screams martyr. I think the child would probably be better off physically and mentally with the grandmother."

I'm not in the medical field. However, "martyr": I just took that term as a mentally unstable-type term that is used toward someone who does not have all of their mind, or whatever.

If you don't know what a word means, look it up.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/martyr
Main Entry: 1mar·tyr
Pronunciation: \ˈmär-tər\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English, from Late Latin, from Greek martyr-, martys witness
Date: before 12th century
3: victim; especially : a great or constant sufferer <a martyr to asthma all his life — A. J. Cronin>

So from those standpoints that I've just mentioned above, I DID take it personally, and I did feel attacked. Personally.

If you're wrong, you're wrong.

 

[Idori]

LisaJoy-Have you sought public assistance since losing your job? It might be a better option than living with your folks if they are not good for your child to be around.

There are also womens shelters and assistance programs that involve legal assistance and job placement. You don't sound as though you've been in an abuse situation but their are womens shelters that are not strictly domestic-abuse related. Have you tried to access any of those resources?

Being in your own place with your daughter and a job is still an option for you. Your legal issues don't have to be the end of that. Don't give up because 6-7 jobs have not been open to you. Aim for applying for at least 100 jobs before the year is over. You may have to break out of the line of work that is familiar and use some public assistance job resources you wouldn't have considered a year or two ago.

Making looking for work your full-time job while your daughter is at school is a good idea. Make having a normal routine for your girl your full-time job for when she isn't. Put her and your independence first and don't give up. People pay for mistakes with the law and if you don't allow it to, that mistake will not stop you from having a decent life with your daughter.

Your ex mother in law may pursue legal action but that doesn't mean she will win. Keep your plans for your life with your daughter on track and don't let fear of her or 'what ifs' intimidate you into backing down.

Best Wishes.

 

[LisaJoy79]

We always advise posters to not get into a lather until/unless they are actually served.

If you don't know what a word means, look it up.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/martyr
Main Entry: 1mar·tyr
Pronunciation: \ˈmär-tər\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English, from Late Latin, from Greek martyr-, martys witness
Date: before 12th century
3: victim; especially : a great or constant sufferer <a martyr to asthma all his life — A. J. Cronin>


If you're wrong, you're wrong.

Wow, you're right, Silverplum Thanks so much for the definition & clarification. I WILL definitely start to utilize the dictionary should I have any misconceptions of any term

Thanks again!!

 

[vertigoclimb]

It's much easier to stand on a soap box preaching

It's much easier to stand on a soap box preaching and forgetting the troubles we've had in our lives to vindicate our mistakes and/or lack in judgments than it is to offer real compassion, kindness and wisdom. Though it would make much more sense to help our fellow man/woman learn different ways of viewing/living and offer support and new "tools" to those around us to better our society and themselves/ourselves we sometimes forget our humanity and act as high and mighty animals judging others by our own faults and feeling ok about such judgment even though we don't have all the "evidence" to make such judgments.

That being said; you are THE MOTHER and you have the first and last say in what happens with YOUR CHILD. Don't worry too much, continue to care for you child, seek employment, ignore the hateful, take a parenting class if you like, SET a precedent by asking again for help and having you request not only ignored but abused by the grandparents... this will speak volumes if heard in court, etc. Use your brain and ignore any advice that is unsound or people giving it who just want to listen to themselves blowing the hot air of superiority.

Good luck to you. Reach out within your community as there are many services offered all over the place that can help you. Hey, living with your parents isn't a bad thing either. I'll never forget my father looking at me and saying; "If I could spend every second of the rest our my life talking to you, it still wouldn't be enough". And I'm sure the tight relationship your child has with the grandparent she lives with will show in court and to the world that you care about extended family and your "fight" with the "offending" grandparent will be put into a light of it's own.

 

[LisaJoy79]

It's much easier to stand on a soap box preaching and forgetting the troubles we've had in our lives to vindicate our mistakes and/or lack in judgments than it is to offer real compassion, kindness and wisdom. Though it would make much more sense to help our fellow man/woman learn different ways of viewing/living and offer support and new "tools" to those around us to better our society and themselves/ourselves we sometimes forget our humanity and act as high and mighty animals judging others by our own faults and feeling ok about such judgment even though we don't have all the "evidence" to make such judgments.

That being said; you are THE MOTHER and you have the first and last say in what happens with YOUR CHILD. Don't worry too much, continue to care for you child, seek employment, ignore the hateful, take a parenting class if you like, SET a precedent by asking again for help and having you request not only ignored but abused by the grandparents... this will speak volumes if heard in court, etc. Use your brain and ignore any advice that is unsound or people giving it who just want to listen to themselves blowing the hot air of superiority.

Good luck to you. Reach out within your community as there are many services offered all over the place that can help you. Hey, living with your parents isn't a bad thing either. I'll never forget my father looking at me and saying; "If I could spend every second of the rest our my life talking to you, it still wouldn't be enough". And I'm sure the tight relationship your child has with the grandparent she lives with will show in court and to the world that you care about extended family and your "fight" with the "offending" grandparent will be put into a light of it's own.

Vertigoclimb:

Thanks SO much for the positive advice & inspirational feedback. In NO WAY was I trying to "scream victim", or pass myself off as a "lazy parent". If anything, I am TOTAL OPPOSITE of that, and even the PATERNAL grandparents have told me that countless times!!! I made a mistake in life, and am woman enough to handle the consequences. I just thought that just because I got into legal trouble DID NOT mean that my baby had to suffer the consequences as well. I guess it just angered me (past angered, actually!!), that I thought that I could be able to come to a "professional" advice forum & get sound & accurate advice. I knew all the advice would not have been positive like yours, & I was prepared for that, but not like this!! WOW!! If I didn't care for the well-being of my child, I wouldn't have posted anything seeking advice or opinions as to the care of my child, or advice from a somewhat legal standpoint. Like I've mentioned in other posts to the negative advice that I've received, I wanted to let the people know that I'm not just asking for handouts. As a matter of fact like I've mentioned to them, before ANY of this went down, my daughter & I had our OWN place, OWN transportation, OWN income, & OWN lives However, for the past year, I've had to live with my parents, and since I couldn't discipline my own child at my parents, I just thought that sending her somewhere else where she could be disciplined & taken care of in an environment that I trusted would have helped us BOTH. The ONLY reason that my daughter was with her paternal grandparents was first off, SUPPOSED to be a "temporary arrangement" until I could provide better for her. Now the paternal grandmother is wanting my child permanantly-however flattering that may seem, its not happening here with me! My daughter is my angel, and life without her on a permanant basis would be very difficult for me to handle-I honestly don't think I would be able to. If I would have known that I would have been labled as "playing victim", or "wanting it BOTH my way", then I never would have posted my most personal & intimate issues out here in the "professional" forum that I thought I was entering.

Thanks again for your advice. I really appreciate the positiveness that you have brought to an already negative issue that I am handling at this time.

Be Blessed

 

[>Charlotte<]

I guess it just angered me (past angered, actually!!), that I thought that I could be able to come to a "professional" advice forum & get sound & accurate advice.

This isn't a professional advice site. It's a free advice site. Not everyone who posts here is a lawyer. Some are lawyers, some know the law based on personal experience, and some just know where to look to find the answers you seek.

The biggest difference between coming here and paying a lawyer is, while we say what we think, the lawyer will only think what he thinks while he smiles at you and takes your money. If you can afford to be treated like a client you should be hiring a lawyer anyway.

But remember: you're not paying opposing counsel or the judge, and they don't have to worry about hurting your feelings, either. Nor will they.

 

[LisaJoy79]

LisaJoy-Have you sought public assistance since losing your job? It might be a better option than living with your folks if they are not good for your child to be around.

There are also womens shelters and assistance programs that involve legal assistance and job placement. You don't sound as though you've been in an abuse situation but their are womens shelters that are not strictly domestic-abuse related. Have you tried to access any of those resources?

Being in your own place with your daughter and a job is still an option for you. Your legal issues don't have to be the end of that. Don't give up because 6-7 jobs have not been open to you. Aim for applying for at least 100 jobs before the year is over. You may have to break out of the line of work that is familiar and use some public assistance job resources you wouldn't have considered a year or two ago.

Making looking for work your full-time job while your daughter is at school is a good idea. Make having a normal routine for your girl your full-time job for when she isn't. Put her and your independence first and don't give up. People pay for mistakes with the law and if you don't allow it to, that mistake will not stop you from having a decent life with your daughter.

Your ex mother in law may pursue legal action but that doesn't mean she will win. Keep your plans for your life with your daughter on track and don't let fear of her or 'what ifs' intimidate you into backing down.

Best Wishes.

Idori:

Thank you, first off for the positive advice. It means a lot to know that there are people in this world that are still human & who have actually been through "life"!!!

About my public assistance: Yes, I am receiving food stamps, and my daughter has been on Medicaid all of her life, because of the fact (at least one of the facts) that her biological father has never really helped me financially. I have called for HUD assistance. Honestly, not recently though. HUD in Misssissippi is very difficult to obtain because most of the time HUD will tell you if you have not "lost your home due to fire, flood, or if you're not disabled, you will not be helped at this time". Although its been a minute since I've called to check, I will call again FIRST thing tomorrow morning. Thanks for reminding me About my parents: They are a BLESSING to both my child & I. It's just for some strange reason when I try to discipline my daughter the SAME way that my parents disciplined me, they tell me that I'm too hard on her!! It's really strange to me!!

As for shelters: I'm in MS. And although I am aware that most shelters are not as "inviting" as they seem(at least not in Mississippi), I have actually called some shelters in my area. The local Salvation Army WILL accept women, but not their children. Another local shelter that I called were for women & children that are trying to flee an abusive situation. Plus, its not in a safe area to me. Not trying to sound "picky", but my parents' location & the paternal grandparents' location is in a MUCH better & safer environment than the shelter that accepts women & their children.

As for my job hunt: Thanks again for the inspiration. I am currently waiting on a callback from Wal-Mart. They told me that the background check could take up to 9 days, and I interviewed with them last Friday. I passed the drug test, now we are just waiting on the background check results. With that, I am keeping my fingers crossed and praying daily!!

I am continuously job hunting, whether by internet, or passing through. I also have at least one family member that referred me to a clothing store in the mall. I hope that job prospect works out as well I will start to aim to apply for jobs everyday, all day. I must admit, being in the situatioin that I am currently in became very depressing for me to the point where I just gave up on job huntiing because I was so tired & lost from being turned down because of my background.

My child's paternal grandmother threatened me thru email to take custody of my child. And I have contacted attorneys & legal services on that matter. I have gotten legal advice for an attorney that told me that although grandparents DO have rights(which is a WONDERFUL thing), it doesn't mean that just because they want custody of your child, that they will win custody. As a matter of fact, I was told that the courts FIRST look at the biological parents. And if the COURTS deem me or the father as "unfit parents", THEN a determination will be made as to who the child may could go to. Thank GOD my parents raised me to being capable of being a good parent. Whether I've made a mistake or not. I really believe that if I was a bad parent, my child would not have been in my custody for 11 years now!

Thanks again for you advice. I will keep everything that you have mentioned in mind, and will most definitely exercise the options that you have advised me on.

Be Blessed

 

[>Charlotte<]

Oh, and by the way. Take a look around and you'll notice something. Whenever a thread reaches the point where the OP feels s/he's being insulted, some new junior member will usually chime in and chastise everyone for being "mean" and then proceed to post a nice, sweet, supportive message to the OP. This is invariably appreciated by the OP who ends up thanking that poster. What's funny is, "that" poster often gives no legal advice at all or the legal advice they do give is incorrect. I love comic irony.