Thank you to those of you who have shown support and did not judge my failed attempt at asking for advice for my husband. I appreciate that. I also appreciate the advice given and will pass that along to my husband. I attempted to reply and explain some of the misunderstandings more clearly last night, but my internet kept bumping me out and I got tired of retyping. Please let me clarify that I DO understand that I do not have the legal right to do ANYTHING in this matter. I am simply asking for direction for my husband- on his behalf- because he asked me to. I do not get involved otherwise.
Also, a few comments were made to the effect that I am trying to take the mother's place. That is definitely not the case. When the kids are here, I actually get on to them for speaking against their mom. I strongly feel that kids should feel good about their parents and where they came from regardless of other people's opinion, and I am constantly saying things like "oh mommy did________ that's great!" when they do talk positively about her. I have read and reread my initial post, and I really don't see how I must have offended anyone, but I will apologize just the same. Please do keep in mind that I am not only a step mom to these kids, but a mom (BM) to my own 3 kids as well, and I also deal with a step mom. I know that in some cases a step parent can interfere with a parent's relationship, I have seen it happen in other families. But I am very supportive with the kids relationships with all of their parents and step parents. I believe that the kids need input from ALL of the people who love them.
Again, I did not plan on going into a court room and becoming some kind of pushy or "overstepping" person and I understand that my place is to support my husband and the kids- I was actually hoping that someone here had been through something similar with the abuse and drug use and had some tips so my husband could proceed. I'm sorry I have used terms like "we" and "our".... I really didn't think that showing support for my husband would be offensive.
Below is my attempt to clarify some of the misunderstandings from last night.
So, to recap:
Dad had 50/50, no child support.
He moved 2 hours away from his children and began a general long-distance kind of parenting time.
He voluntarily pays some non-court-ordered child support. We do not know if it's anywhere near guideline support.
Dad may think that Mom harasses him when he and Mom exchange the children. Mom also makes other remarks that Dad does not like.
The 10 y.o. describes what might well be marijuana use at Mom's. For unknown reasons, Stepmom and/or Dad thinks Mom uses Rx drugs and they may not be prescribed to her.
The 10 y.o. describes being hit in the face by Mom in the car.
The 7 y.o. is failing in school and Dad may believe that child is "ignored."
Stepmom has been talking to an adult child of Dad's and that 18 y.o. indicated that Mom may be mentally ill and has been physically abusive to other children of hers.
Stepmom reported Mom to DCF, using the info from the kids.
Stepmom also alleges Mom has denied visitation: Dad has not filed anything about that, to our knowledge.
Stepmom can't reach the 10 y.o. on his phone.
Stepmom does not like the housing Mom is providing for the children.
Stepmom and Dad want custody. Stepmom also wants to know how Dad can enforce his parenting time.
Stepmom wonders if DCF will drug test Mom, based on Stepmom's report.
Did I miss anything important?
Maybe some things were misunderstood that might have caused the lashing I received? Maybe in my rush to explain the situation I might not have been entirely clear with the communication here? Please allow me to clarify using the post above as a guide.
Dad had 50/50 with no child support ORDERED. He paid all expenses for school, clothing, gave grocery money, cash assistance and even paid for extra curriculars. He actually kept the kids more than 50/50, and actually paid the mother wages for her to watch them while he worked.
Yes he moved 2 hours away. At the time his daughter was 3 and we kept her at our home more than 50% of the time. His son was in school, and although I know that many parents switch custody during the school year, we are against interfering in education and feel that moving every semester would be detrimental to his education. He still paid child support for both the kids. His job at the time (which he had been at for 19 years) went out of business and there was a lot of opportunity and a better economy here. The mother has always had a very unstable life and our hope was to build something more stable for ALL of our 7 children (step kids and biological kids).
We have the kids (when she doesn't try to use my husband's parenting time as a control factor) anytime they are not in school unless there are special arrangements worked out. This would amount to approximately 35-40% of the time when you include weekends, holidays, inservice days, breaks and summer. We still pay child support every two weeks whether we have them or not. We also buy their clothing for school, pay extra for sports, dance, etc. My husband actually went to court over child support, and the mother's attorney dropped the case with no child support owed- but we still felt that we should contribute as much as possible.
Dad does not interact volutarily with the mother except to drop off and pick up the kids. It is after he leaves or a few days later that she sends him texts calling him awful names that I am too classy to repeat, calling me vulgar names, and threatening that he will never see them again. She has threatened his life, my life, and made references to my own children (who are all adults and successful with the exception of my 17 year old who is still a child and currently going to college). My husband and I both have sent texts to her, yes, but all have been about the pick up times and so forth. We do not entertain the threats and accusations. They have all been reported, however.
As for the drugs, on a day that she for some reason felt that she could brag to my husband (I told you she is mentally ill, has been diagnosed with bipolar and other issues, and has a history of becoming violent to her own family members, children and ex-friends) she actually told him that she was taking a friend's adderall. One day when my husband went to pick up the kids the scent of marijuana was overwhelming when his (then 5 year old) answered the door. Mommy was in the bedroom. He asked her about it and she told him to mind his own business. There is a legal report. HIS (because I am apparently not allowed to say "our") 10 year old sadly knows what drugs are. He confided in my husband and myself about the description of the pipe and drugs (probably recognized what they were because of something he has been taught in school).
When the 10 year old described the incident about being hit in the face and left side, the 7 year old reported that she and her mom's boyfriend's daughter were there and saw it but they were scared. She said "I didn't want mommy to hit me too". While I am aware that corporate punishment is completely legal, this was not a simple slap in the face. From what the kids described, she was smacking him repeatedly with her fist in the face and neck and side areas.
7 year old is a very smart girl. We have worked with her extensively when we have her, and it shows. The school is investigating due to the mother's lack of interest. When questioned about it, the mother's response was that her dance classes were more important. In the midst of my report to DCF they began asking questions and this is something they asked me. So it is not just me trying to come up with ammunition. I want nothing more than to know that these kids are safe and taken care of. I am not some meddling step mom.
Next on the list: no, that was misunderstood. 18 year old overheard a conversation from the 10 year old about being hit and recollected a time when he had been abused by her as well. As far as her being mentally ill, that has been diagnosed by professionals- she just refuses to seek continuous help and when she is not on her medication she becomes violent.
Yes. I, the step PARENT did report to DCF what I have seen and been told. I felt that as a PARENT, step or not, that was my responsibility in order to make sure these kids are safe.
DAD has tried to enforce parenting time, and there are reports. The police don't actually force her to give him the kids but they allow us to report the incidents. Since either of us can pick up the kids, WE both have had to report the incidents. We are currently looking for information about how my husband can take legal action when whe refuses.
Stepmom, brothers, dad- none of us can reach 10 year old. Since we were told we would never see him again, this is concerning.
Housing- In the state of Kansas there are laws about housing arrangements with children, especially children of the opposite sex. That was just supplemental info to help paint the true picture.
The last two statements are exactly true. Yes we would love to provide a stable and nonabusive home for these kids and yes, I would like to know if this will be investigated.
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