What is the name of your state? California
FYI, I'm using my wife's account.
Short version is that we have mom and dad (me) who are divorced, my new wife, 16-year-old son and 4-year-old son. The 16yo is under a 50/50 custody agreement between me and his mother, and 4yo is my son with my new wife. 16yo got caught red-handed smoking pot. 16yo and I got into a verbal fight that got really heated and resulted in trying to slap my 16yo. 16yo ran off and got mom and grandparents involved, and now 16yo is hiding at mom's house, maybe never to come back because he doesn't want to be held to account for lying, sneaking, manipulating, and in general being a suddenly typical rebellious teenager. Mom is enabling this saying I am abusing 16yo and he's too frightened to be in the same space as me, and they're all using my wife as a communication conduit because 16yo and mom are ignoring me. For the record, mom and new wife are friends, and we have all enjoyed a near-perfect co-parenting relationship for the last seven years up to this point.
Less than short, more details: I feel rather defeated because I recognize that I screwed up by slapping 16yo. I apologized genuinely for losing my temper and being caught in a fear-fueled moment of losing control of my son, who appears to be cartwheeling down a very dangerous path. I've decided to not overtly exercise my custody agreement up to this point, because I feel it's the lesser of the evils here, trying not to exacerbate the tension. I've also heard that the law is on the side of a 16yo child to decide where he lives.
16yo has a therapist, and if I believe mom (which I actually DON'T at this point), therapist is the person recommending that 16yo stays separated from me and our household. Therapist is also the one who called CPS and while nothing seems to have come of that, it makes no sense to me that there would be a claim of danger to one child (who is taller and stronger than I am since I broke my back) and no danger to a vulnerable 4yo.
Furthermore, if mom is so violated and concerned because I slapped 16yo and that's completely unacceptable unforgivable behavior, she's in no uncertain terms a hypocrite. Some years ago mom and 16yo (at the time he was 14ish) got into a heated argument that resulted in mom slapping 16yo. But no one ever separated her from our child or vilified her for her mistake. I don't see a difference between these two situations... only in how it's being handled in the aftermath.
Last night we found out that 16yo has told mom the following story, as she relayed it to my wife: “His dad hit him, put him in a headlock, brought him to the ground and hit him again. His dad! Because he had pot.” Not only am I incapable of doing this since crushing several vertebrae in my back many years ago and can still barely walk with the help of a cane, but my wife literally witnessed everything and has explained to 16yo's mom/my ex that this is 100% a complete lie. What I did was not the right thing to do, but it certainly was nothing like has been described.
Questions: So what on earth is the right thing to do here? I want to heal my family, and while that's more Dr. Phil than a legal question, should I be exercising the custody agreement? 16yo hasn't been home in three weeks and I understand that at a 6 month mark, custody can be changed as having established a new status-quo. I don't want that to happen. How do I overcome my 16yo lying through his teeth about the severity of the confrontation, from my bad decision, twisted into objectively abusive behavior? Mom will not believe anything but 16yo's account. Should I call a family meeting and have my wife give her eye-witness account and give my 16yo an opportunity to either come clean or try to pass off his horrific story about a headlock and being punched, all stated in front of eye-witness wife, mom, and grandparents (who are acting as mediators)?
My wife saw the slap, 16yo (not knowing wife saw it all) told wife later that evening he got hit in the face and then knocked in the back of the head, grandpa heard that 16yo was punched, mom and therapist heard the final quoted story about a headlock, being taken to the ground while being punched multiple times.
What can I do to protect my family and how can I avoid action or inaction from making things worse?
FYI, I'm using my wife's account.
Short version is that we have mom and dad (me) who are divorced, my new wife, 16-year-old son and 4-year-old son. The 16yo is under a 50/50 custody agreement between me and his mother, and 4yo is my son with my new wife. 16yo got caught red-handed smoking pot. 16yo and I got into a verbal fight that got really heated and resulted in trying to slap my 16yo. 16yo ran off and got mom and grandparents involved, and now 16yo is hiding at mom's house, maybe never to come back because he doesn't want to be held to account for lying, sneaking, manipulating, and in general being a suddenly typical rebellious teenager. Mom is enabling this saying I am abusing 16yo and he's too frightened to be in the same space as me, and they're all using my wife as a communication conduit because 16yo and mom are ignoring me. For the record, mom and new wife are friends, and we have all enjoyed a near-perfect co-parenting relationship for the last seven years up to this point.
Less than short, more details: I feel rather defeated because I recognize that I screwed up by slapping 16yo. I apologized genuinely for losing my temper and being caught in a fear-fueled moment of losing control of my son, who appears to be cartwheeling down a very dangerous path. I've decided to not overtly exercise my custody agreement up to this point, because I feel it's the lesser of the evils here, trying not to exacerbate the tension. I've also heard that the law is on the side of a 16yo child to decide where he lives.
16yo has a therapist, and if I believe mom (which I actually DON'T at this point), therapist is the person recommending that 16yo stays separated from me and our household. Therapist is also the one who called CPS and while nothing seems to have come of that, it makes no sense to me that there would be a claim of danger to one child (who is taller and stronger than I am since I broke my back) and no danger to a vulnerable 4yo.
Furthermore, if mom is so violated and concerned because I slapped 16yo and that's completely unacceptable unforgivable behavior, she's in no uncertain terms a hypocrite. Some years ago mom and 16yo (at the time he was 14ish) got into a heated argument that resulted in mom slapping 16yo. But no one ever separated her from our child or vilified her for her mistake. I don't see a difference between these two situations... only in how it's being handled in the aftermath.
Last night we found out that 16yo has told mom the following story, as she relayed it to my wife: “His dad hit him, put him in a headlock, brought him to the ground and hit him again. His dad! Because he had pot.” Not only am I incapable of doing this since crushing several vertebrae in my back many years ago and can still barely walk with the help of a cane, but my wife literally witnessed everything and has explained to 16yo's mom/my ex that this is 100% a complete lie. What I did was not the right thing to do, but it certainly was nothing like has been described.
Questions: So what on earth is the right thing to do here? I want to heal my family, and while that's more Dr. Phil than a legal question, should I be exercising the custody agreement? 16yo hasn't been home in three weeks and I understand that at a 6 month mark, custody can be changed as having established a new status-quo. I don't want that to happen. How do I overcome my 16yo lying through his teeth about the severity of the confrontation, from my bad decision, twisted into objectively abusive behavior? Mom will not believe anything but 16yo's account. Should I call a family meeting and have my wife give her eye-witness account and give my 16yo an opportunity to either come clean or try to pass off his horrific story about a headlock and being punched, all stated in front of eye-witness wife, mom, and grandparents (who are acting as mediators)?
My wife saw the slap, 16yo (not knowing wife saw it all) told wife later that evening he got hit in the face and then knocked in the back of the head, grandpa heard that 16yo was punched, mom and therapist heard the final quoted story about a headlock, being taken to the ground while being punched multiple times.
What can I do to protect my family and how can I avoid action or inaction from making things worse?
