Custody question

[tsdaughe]

OP, You are being so magnanimous in taking YOU DD to the doctor for SM.

Where will you be if SM decides to trow in the towel and divorce dad? I would have run the other way long ago in the situation you have described.

I would do what I have too. We are already discussing either buying a new home with a detached guest house or adding onto ours. My point with helping is when dad is here he takes no interest in our son or his appts which far outnumber DD's. No involvement in his academics. He has focused on DD even prior to the custody change at the expense of DS. dad did take DD to therapy once a month since we alternated appointments but refuse to go to appointments with her specialist in acted in such an aggressive way towards her psychiatrist that I ended up having to switch away from that provider. I guess my point in mentioning this is that when Dad is here his involvement is minimal and with him gone yes obviously step mom is helping significantly but me and my ex still share a son also and his needs shouldn't be overlooked and ignored.

 

[t74]

The dinners are for OP and her children. Not the steps. They are to "repair" the sibling bond between OP's son and daughter due to son sexual inappropriate behavior with daughter. Reading is fundamental T.

Even if steps are not physically in attendance, they are affected due to the logistics involved. I know that what my DD goes through scheduling with her own children while her military husband/children's father is away has her exhausted and frazzled. Between extracurriculars for the kids and command and school events juggling child care and driving (no school bus service to one of the schools) and keeping the house intact and ...

I am criticizing mom for her lack of concern about any of the other children in the combined family. There needs to be more concern by mom about a child as troubled as her son interacting with other children in the family and her desire to "fix" her family at the expense of the other children and SM

 

[Just Blue]

Even if steps are not physically in attendance, they are affected due to the logistics involved. I know that what my DD goes through scheduling with her own children while her military husband/children's father is away has her exhausted and frazzled. Between extracurriculars for the kids and command and school events juggling child care and driving (no school bus service to one of the schools) and keeping the house intact and ...

I am criticizing mom for her lack of concern about any of the other children in the combined family. There needs to be more concern by mom about a child as troubled as her son interacting with other children in the family and her desire to "fix" her family at the expense of the other children and SM

Honestly...Stop. The stepchildren are not affected by OP picking her kids up and taking them to dinner once a week. OP has to focus on her children. They have VERY SPECIAL NEEDS. Do you read before posting?

 

[tsdaughe]

I'm going to agree with some parts and disagree with others. Evening schedules CAN be difficult as essentially a single parent, especially when working. We didn't normally eat until at least 8pm, often later. In terms of HW, I would be surprised if kiddo's school doesn't have some tutoring options after school - whether by teachers, aides or peers. Both of my kids were peer tutors, which went towards their community service requirements.

I can see the frustration wrt Dad's absence, given that he knew he would be away longer than he indicated. I think we all understand that being in the military imposes restrictions, but it's kind of unfair to say "oh, I'll be gone for six weeks" when you know it's going to be more like nine months (assuming Dad did actually know that).

As for SM's kids and OP's concern (or lack thereof)? Meh. I'd be more focused on my own kids, tbh.

I have no issues with him being in the military and I completely understand as I was obviously married to him through multiple deployments and I am a daughter of a Marine. My frustration is through the summer leading up to our initial Hearing in September I asked him repeatedly if he was going to be back for the hearing because he was on orders in Florida and he wouldn't answer me. I was concerned because he told me 2 weeks prior to him leaving for the summer that he was leaving despite me repeatedly asking him as he had told our daughter two months prior that he would be gone the whole summer. He ignored me and refused to answer as to if he would be there for court in September. It wasn't until my attorney filed and requested that information that we became aware 2 weeks prior to court that he wasn't going to be in the state for the hearing. So then they asked for it to be continued for a second time. I sat in that meeting and stressed my concerns about agreeing to what was in the order due to his history of not being forthcoming with his military orders. I, in fact, found out on the day of court that he had known for a month that he was going to be in Florida for an additional 5 weeks but once again didn't tell me. I was assured by his attorney and his wife that they would share this information moving forward with any orders and it was actually put in our agreement that Dad has to notify me within 24 hours of any notification he gets of orders that will put him out of the area even if just temporarily. There is absolutely no way that he didn't know that he was going to be gone much longer as the schooling he is in Florida for is public knowledge on the internet and when you get accepted into that rate depending on which specialization you go into the training is at minimum 20 weeks long. I confirmed this with a military member who cuts orders for the Navy.
as far as health insurance, I'm perfectly capable of providing insurance for our children and my husband currently provides vision and dental. Dad dropped the kids from Dental for 3 years and myself and then my husband pick that up so they wouldn't be without coverage. They were just added back to Dad's Dental policy this year right before our son got his braces. I do certainly appreciate that our children have Tricare medical insurance however we have access to that as well.

 

[t74]

Individuals in the military have very specific demands on their time that those in most private sector jobs do not have. Depending on his position, he may have another "family" to consider. To criticize him for not attending appointments is not appropriate.

 

[t74]

Honestly...Stop. The stepchildren are not affected by OP picking her kids up and taking them to dinner once a week. OP has to focus on her children. They have VERY SPECIAL NEEDS. Do you read before posting?

SM has to be home for pickup and return. This affects what her children can do. DD cannot be left alone to await pickup or be dropped off to get herself to bed. You cannot expect typical children to have no life of their own because of a special needs sibling (step or otherwise).

I continue to think that not enough consideration has been accorded the difficult situation of the step-siblings. All need to consider what they would expect if the roles were reversed and modify their behavior accordingly.

 

[tsdaughe]

Even if steps are not physically in attendance, they are affected due to the logistics involved. I know that what my DD goes through scheduling with her own children while her military husband/children's father is away has her exhausted and frazzled. Between extracurriculars for the kids and command and school events juggling child care and driving (no school bus service to one of the schools) and keeping the house intact and ...

I am criticizing mom for her lack of concern about any of the other children in the combined family. There needs to be more concern by mom about a child as troubled as her son interacting with other children in the family and her desire to "fix" her family at the expense of the other children and SM

I already pick up DD from after school care on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So, any family dinner would be on one of those nights and would have absolutely no effect on the stepmoms children. As it is right now, I pick up DD twice a week and I feed her dinner and we do homework and then she has softball practice from 6 to 8 p.m. and then I drive her back to her step mom's and drop her off. So I would just include that family dinner time in that time that's already carved out. Softball ends here soon but I still have that ordered time on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
I understand what you're saying about my son and obviously always having to be aware of any possible risk to other children. trust me I do not take my responsibility in that regard lightly. The school where my son goes to school is aware as is anyone else such as a child care provider. This isn't a cut-and-dry case because part of what came out in the process of court is that back in 2015, I believe, DS went to his father letting him know that his sister had sat on his lap and told him to pull his pants down and was humping his bed and asked to see his penis. She was I would say 7 at the time and he was 9 but socially they're similar in age due to his autism and social delays. My ex told our son he didn't believe him and he was lying. It took several years in the course of everything that happened to him with that other child before he told me and a week before court February 2018 I found out about another incident between the kids with Dad that he never told me about. This type of information was stated in the GALs report as to why the kids should stay with me because Dad had shown that he was covering up incidents in his home and they weren't confident that he would take the appropriate steps to keep the kids safe if needed. My daughter is very angry at me for sending her to stay with her dad because she feels like I chose our son over her but the guardian ad litem didn't want our son living with Dad full time due to the previous allegations of abuse and his lack of understanding when it comes to his autism and special needs. DD initially stated she was taught those behaviors by her step brother ie he showed her his penis and taught her to hump her bed and he told her his dad taught him. This was all reported by her, well the penis showing and telling her to take a picture of her bare chest, during a forensic interview. Dad told DD that he didn't believe her and she was lying and he told me the same thing as well as DS because DS overheard DD talking to me about it one day and he shouted out you know you're a liar . Since she started living there she's now saying to me that she lied and none of it ever happened. Honestly, I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy.

 

[tsdaughe]

SM has to be home for pickup and return. This affects what her children can do. DD cannot be left alone to await pickup or be dropped off to get herself to bed. You cannot expect typical children to have no life of their own because of a special needs sibling (step or otherwise).

I continue to think that not enough consideration has been accorded the difficult situation of the step-siblings. All need to consider what they would expect if the roles were reversed and modify their behavior accordingly.

I respectfully believe you're making assumptions. I pick up DD from after school care where she's already at and I drop DD back off at step mom's house in the evening. If, for whatever reason, she is not home yet such as she's at one of her kids karate sessions etc I drop DD off there. It's only happened once so far that SM wasn't home yet and when she let me know I told her that I would either drop DD off to her or I could find something to do to kill time until she was home and available for DD to be dropped off. And that case, DD and I just stopped at the store and looked around until SM was home. I understand what you're saying but just because Dad is gone in Florida right now it doesn't mean that I shouldn't access to my daughter just because it might be difficult for SM. If she didn't want this responsibility then I'm not sure why she would have agreed to it. If for some reason she decided she's done we would make the appropriate arrangements even if it meant installing a security system with password protected panels on doors or sending DS or DD to live with my parents in Ohio until their father returns.

 

[Just Blue]

SM has to be home for pickup and return. This affects what her children can do. DD cannot be left alone to await pickup or be dropped off to get herself to bed. You cannot expect typical children to have no life of their own because of a special needs sibling (step or otherwise).

I continue to think that not enough consideration has been accorded the difficult situation of the step-siblings. All need to consider what they would expect if the roles were reversed and modify their behavior accordingly.

You are just being silly. Go back to bed and get up on the right side.

 

[Just Blue]

I respectfully believe you're making assumptions. I pick up DD from after school care where she's already at and I drop DD back off at step mom's house in the evening. If, for whatever reason, she is not home yet such as she's at one of her kids karate sessions etc I drop DD off there. It's only happened once so far that SM wasn't home yet and when she let me know I told her that I would either drop DD off to her or I could find something to do to kill time until she was home and available for DD to be dropped off. And that case, DD and I just stopped at the store and looked around until SM was home. I understand what you're saying but just because Dad is gone in Florida right now it doesn't mean that I shouldn't access to my daughter just because it might be difficult for SM. If she didn't want this responsibility then I'm not sure why she would have agreed to it. If for some reason she decided she's done we would make the appropriate arrangements even if it meant installing a security system with password protected panels on doors or sending DS or DD to live with my parents in Ohio until their father returns.

Ignore t74. She apparently is having a bad day. There is nothing in the TOS that requires you to answer silly comments. I know this for a fact as people ignore my silly comments all the time.

 

[stealth2]

SM has to be home for pickup and return. This affects what her children can do. DD cannot be left alone to await pickup or be dropped off to get herself to bed. You cannot expect typical children to have no life of their own because of a special needs sibling (step or otherwise).

Oh, stop and think for a moment or two before being a horse's hindquarters, difficult though that might be.

 

[tsdaughe]

Individuals in the military have very specific demands on their time that those in most private sector jobs do not have. Depending on his position, he may have another "family" to consider. To criticize him for not attending appointments is not appropriate.

I'm sorry but my dad was in the marine Corp 22 years and managed to still take me to appointments and be involved. If he could manage to take DD to karate twice a week and attend her therapy, he can attend DS. Before working part time I worked on a DoD contract and still managed to get kids to their appointments with zero help from dad. This was before he started taking DD to therapy. My husband has had to take multiple days off and flex his schedule on the same DoD contract to cover appointments when I cannot due to my own job or other conflicts. If dad can take his step kids to appts he can help with his own too when he is in the area.

 

[t74]

There are some non-critical jobs in the military with flexible hours. That is all well and good for them. There are others who themselves and their families are making a huge sacrifice to protect you and me. My military family member was in and out for months prior to being deployed for 3 months, home for 4 days (work like 6 am to nearly 10 pm) to prepare for being gone for 7 more months. Family Christmas will be in March.

If dad is a member of command - or even enlisted - deployed in the middle of an ocean, it is not possible to take time off, humevac, fly back to home port just to go to an appointment. Or he may be supporting troops in a war zone or thousands of other jobs in the military that are 24/7 every day of the year. There are missed births, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and milestone events.

There are many other jobs in the community where individuals cannot take time off whenever they want. There are far more time critical events than taking a child to an appointment that can easily be scheduled and attended by another adult.

Remember this job is paying the bills, and in this world could be the best/highest paying they can get. Would mom be willing to give up the support and benefits dad's job provides or would she demand the same level of financial support?

Having a job that allows you to take time off for your children - or even yourself - is a luxury. Be grateful and support those who are not as fortunate whether they are family or friend.

 

[tsdaughe]

There are some non-critical jobs in the military with flexible hours. That is all well and good for them. There are others who themselves and their families are making a huge sacrifice to protect you and me. My military family member was in and out for months prior to being deployed for 3 months, home for 4 days (work like 6 am to nearly 10 pm) to prepare for being gone for 7 more months. Family Christmas will be in March.

If dad is a member of command - or even enlisted - deployed in the middle of an ocean, it is not possible to take time off, humevac, fly back to home port just to go to an appointment. Or he may be supporting troops in a war zone or thousands of other jobs in the military that are 24/7 every day of the year. There are missed births, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and milestone events.

There are many other jobs in the community where individuals cannot take time off whenever they want. There are far more time critical events than taking a child to an appointment that can easily be scheduled and attended by another adult.

Remember this job is paying the bills, and in this world could be the best/highest paying they can get. Would mom be willing to give up the support and benefits dad's job provides or would she demand the same level of financial support?

Having a job that allows you to take time off for your children - or even yourself - is a luxury. Be grateful and support those who are not as fortunate whether they are family or friend.

It's not that he is gone which is what I have said several times. It's that he lies and withholds information. But also when he is here he took our daughter to karate and her therapy which we rotated so he only had to go once a month. But didn't attend our sons appointments or try for the last 5 years except maybe 3 to 5 appointments. This includes tutoring and social skill groups on weekends as they were "inconvenient." Services I paid for. He didn't attend any appointments for both kids up until a few months before he filed for custody. It's not just not attending but that he has fought me every step of the way and everything I've tried to do for our kids. This includes refusing to sign when the school wanted to evaluate our daughter for an IEP. It took almost two full school years between fighting with him and fighting with the school and hiring an advocate before I could get her an IEP while she fell further and further behind in math and reading . Now that she's with his wife all of a sudden he's concerned about her math skills and how delayed she is but there was no concern when I was trying to get her help and paying for tutoring for every weekend and he couldn't be bothered to get her to two appointments a month. This includes arguing and complaining and refusing to meet with our daughter's specialist to learn more about the diagnosis and trying to get her diagnosis declared null and void by another doctor. The neurologist told him that while he may not agree with the diagnosis that the treatment was clearly working so he needed to get over it. This also includes not giving her psychiatric medications as prescribed for a good 6 months until I found out which during that time she was having issues and her doctor and I couldn't figure it out. He has maybe attended a few appointments for our son but what's come of that is he decides he doesn't like his therapist when they see through him and see his abusive behaviors and his dismissive attitude towards our son's issues and when they try to discuss this with him he throws a fit. We are now on the third therapist for our son due to his complaints. He picked this therapist and I actually like this therapist but the same things happening here the therapist is seeing the same stuff and dad's already starting to refuse to follow recommendations. As I said in a previous reply, I'm all for the military. My dad served in the Marine Corps for 22 years and I was with my ex when he was actually deployable and went through three back-to-back deployments and gave birth to my daughter on my own. He doesn't have the type of job now because he's full time support and he's frequently off early and has time to go to all sorts of other activities and take constant vacations and trips out of the area. And yeah I could care a less about his income as we already provide dental and vision and we could easily add the kids to our medical and my current husband has always been willing to support the kids more than their own father. Yes, obviously he's ordered to pay child support but although I only work part-time I make a good hourly wage due to my career and my husband makes very good money. I would rather their father be an involved father and be here than dragging me through court and constant drama and then he's never around even when he's here he's fun dad. When it comes down to the stuff that counts that shapes our kids future he doesn't want to be involved.

 

[stealth2]

t74 - instead of overly personalizing situations past what has been posted, you would be wise to read and understand what is posted. Sometimes? A zebra really is just a zebra.