gal?

[concernedmom4ki]

Question #1: What do I need to do to get ready for the Guardian Ad Litem?


But - while I'm here...
Can I use the new wife against him - she gets on the phone and interrupts when he and I are talking.... then insults me and continues with other things.

Isn't she supposed to be a by-stander and their friend - not judging them and their mom. My lawyer says she is supposed to be their friend not replacing their mother.
She insults me then goes on to insult the fact that I listen to my kids and not decide everything for them all the time and allow them to have an opinion.

Now if it were something that was their welfare etc - I would decide that but if it's something I agree with, what's the problem - like them taking banjo lessons or something... when I thought they wanted to stop the lessons then they say, "oh no, I didn't want to stop." - but she says that 'I' should decide what happens in their life not them.

 

[BL]

What do I need to do to get ready for the gal?

Also - can I use the new wife against him - she gets on the phone and interrupts when he and I are talking.... then insults me and continues with other things.

Isn't she supposed to be a by-stander and their friend - not judging them and their mom. My lawyer says she is supposed to be their friend not replacing their mother.
She insults me then goes on to insult the fact that I listen to my kids and not decide everything for them all the time and allow them to have an opinion.

What gal ? The step mom , or a Court appointed GAL ?

I can't tell if your having a bad hair day because of family feuds or what .

Also name your State .

 

[CJane]

Also - can I use the new wife against him - she gets on the phone and interrupts when he and I are talking.... then insults me and continues with other things.

I'm thinking that you probably can't 'use the new wife against him'. It's not illegal to be a b*tch or to insult people, or to criticize the way they parent their children. Some of that crap, you're just going to have to deal with.

Honestly, from reading your other posts, I think the best thing in the world you could do is sit down and make a list of EXACTLY what you're hoping to accomplish, and EXACTLY what you're willing to sacrifice to get there, and how you're going to make it to the end of this thing. Stop trying to figure out how to get back at him, or what can be used against him, etc. Focus on the fact that really, all you're ironing out is the custody issue. You've already won the school district issue.

You're going to have to compromise, that's just a given. So figure out ahead of time what you're willing to give up (like the daycare issue or whatever) instead of concentrating so hard on being perceived as perfect and ready for the GAL. YES, his/her opinion of you is important. But it's far more important to make sure that she's seeing the REAL YOU, not what YOU think she might want to see. Make sense?

 

[concernedmom4ki]

What gal ? The step mom , or a Court appointed GAL ?

I can't tell if your having a bad hair day because of family feuds or what .

Also name your State .

Guardian - and yes, I have LOADS of blond days, it seems.. so sorry!

South Carolina

 

[concernedmom4ki]

I'm thinking that you probably can't 'use the new wife against him'. It's not illegal to be a b*tch or to insult people, or to criticize the way they parent their children. Some of that crap, you're just going to have to deal with.

Honestly, from reading your other posts, I think the best thing in the world you could do is sit down and make a list of EXACTLY what you're hoping to accomplish, and EXACTLY what you're willing to sacrifice to get there, and how you're going to make it to the end of this thing. Stop trying to figure out how to get back at him, or what can be used against him, etc. Focus on the fact that really, all you're ironing out is the custody issue. You've already won the school district issue.

You're going to have to compromise, that's just a given. So figure out ahead of time what you're willing to give up (like the daycare issue or whatever) instead of concentrating so hard on being perceived as perfect and ready for the GAL. YES, his/her opinion of you is important. But it's far more important to make sure that she's seeing the REAL YOU, not what YOU think she might want to see. Make sense?

Makes some sense but my ex is bringing up all old issues that are supposed to not be brought up. My attorney says that I shouldn't talk to his new wife, that I should hang up on her if she refuses to give the phone back to the father. [MY husband now would NEVER pick up the phone and start insulting my kids' father no matter how mad I was at him because that is just not going to happen on this end! That would be plain disrespectful!]

Anyway, yes, I agree maybe I should sit down and write a list.

The daycare issue - my attorney told me to let him do what he's going to do on 'his' days and for me to pick them up early on 'my' days- and on 'his' mornings they will have to go to morning daycare and on mine, they won't because I will go in after school.

But, this is crazy! I could take the kids on 'his' days and save him $240.00 a month!!! -alone - that's not including afterschool care!!! He could give me that money and let me have it for child support - help with the kids - since I don't get child support, but he wouldn't let that happen.
= Total of over $500.00 in daycare costs that I could save him!

Oh - and I did get a chance to ask her why she and her kids didn't move and she said they already had a home over there... she and my ex built a house over there and they moved into it a month after they married and lived in her house until it was completed (also in same town)

 

[snostar]

Makes some sense but my ex is bringing up all old issues that are supposed to not be brought up. My attorney says that I shouldn't talk to his new wife, that I should hang up on her if she refuses to give the phone back to the father.

Since your attorney is far more versed in your case, take his/her advice.

 

[casa]

Makes some sense but my ex is bringing up all old issues that are supposed to not be brought up. My attorney says that I shouldn't talk to his new wife, that I should hang up on her if she refuses to give the phone back to the father. [MY husband now would NEVER pick up the phone and start insulting my kids' father no matter how mad I was at him because that is just not going to happen on this end! That would be plain disrespectful!]

Anyway, yes, I agree maybe I should sit down and write a list.

The daycare issue - my attorney told me to let him do what he's going to do on 'his' days and for me to pick them up early on 'my' days- and on 'his' mornings they will have to go to morning daycare and on mine, they won't because I will go in after school.

But, this is crazy! I could take the kids on 'his' days and save him $240.00 a month!!! -alone - that's not including afterschool care!!! He could give me that money and let me have it for child support - help with the kids - since I don't get child support, but he wouldn't let that happen.
= Total of over $500.00 in daycare costs that I could save him!

Oh - and I did get a chance to ask her why she and her kids didn't move and she said they already had a home over there... she and my ex built a house over there and they moved into it a month after they married and lived in her house until it was completed (also in same town)

First thing you should know: Even if he does not have to pay childcare, that does not mean that money would go to you for CS. If the court orders CS then you get a specific amount per state guideline- if they don't order CS, you don't get any whether he is 'saving money' on childcare or not.

If you want to have the children instead of them being in daycare, then speak with your attorney about a Right of First Refusal. Your attorney can petition the court for this to be included in your order- If approved by the judge, it would mean that anytime either you or the X cannot be with the children- the other parent has the opportunity to take that extra time with them. ie; if he is working and you are not, you could have the children instead of them being in childcare. However, it works both ways- so if you are working or unable to have them for X amount of time, then he would have the option to take them during that time if he was able/willing.

 

[CJane]

[MY husband now would NEVER pick up the phone and start insulting my kids' father no matter how mad I was at him because that is just not going to happen on this end! That would be plain disrespectful!]


<snip>

But, this is crazy! I could take the kids on 'his' days and save him $240.00 a month!!! -alone - that's not including afterschool care!!! He could give me that money and let me have it for child support - help with the kids - since I don't get child support, but he wouldn't let that happen.
= Total of over $500.00 in daycare costs that I could save him!

Disrespect may be in poor taste, but it's not against the law. Nor is it something that the judge is likely to give a rat's a$$ about unless it can be proven that it's harming the children in some significant way.

Your ex is free to spend his money as he sees fit. Whether or not you staying with the kids would save him money, it's his decision what to do with them on his time. And FOROR would be dangerous ground for you to tread, IMO because of the hours that you've stated you work. You mentioned 6 and 7 day weeks, etc. If you push for FOROR, you are basically setting yourself up for you to not have ANY time with your kids because you won't be allowed to leave them at home with your husband or your parents, or anyone else if the ex is available to keep them.

A lot of what your fighting about is just control. People live in different towns all the time (my ex and I have lived in different towns/school districts since we divorced) and still manage to have close to 50/50 custody. Is it easy? Nope. But honestly, a little compromise on BOTH your parts is in order here. None of this has to be as hard as you're making it out to be.

 

[BL]

Anyway you slice it , dice it , or mix it , IF there is a GAL involved , the Courts lean towards their recommendations .

They are seen and appear in Court on a Daily basis .

 

[concernedmom4ki]

Disrespect may be in poor taste, but it's not against the law. Nor is it something that the judge is likely to give a rat's a$$ about unless it can be proven that it's harming the children in some significant way.

Your ex is free to spend his money as he sees fit. Whether or not you staying with the kids would save him money, it's his decision what to do with them on his time. And FOROR would be dangerous ground for you to tread, IMO because of the hours that you've stated you work. You mentioned 6 and 7 day weeks, etc. If you push for FOROR, you are basically setting yourself up for you to not have ANY time with your kids because you won't be allowed to leave them at home with your husband or your parents, or anyone else if the ex is available to keep them.

A lot of what your fighting about is just control. People live in different towns all the time (my ex and I have lived in different towns/school districts since we divorced) and still manage to have close to 50/50 custody. Is it easy? Nope. But honestly, a little compromise on BOTH your parts is in order here. None of this has to be as hard as you're making it out to be.

YEs, I am fighting for some type of control - I want to have some say so in the kids' lives - not just him. He acts as if he has full custody!

I work 6 and 7 days a week because I work a couple of hrs a day so I can keep my job... I work while they are in school and then work a long day on either Friday or Saturday, whichever my husband can watch them when he is off of work. I drop them off at school in the mornings and then pick them up when school lets out - they don't have to go to aftercare on my days - and he won't let me pick them up on 'his' days. NO, I could go and pick them up - even on 'his' days but it would cause problems with him and me... so, my lawyer told me to just let him put them in afterschool and not push it for now. But, I really would like to pick them up in the afternoons and do their homework with them, even IF they go to his house. And, this would help him out too - I could get their homework started while he is still at work.

And the part you say about people living in different towns.. we did live in different towns but they were only 5 miles apart before - now they are 45-50 mins apart!

 

[concernedmom4ki]

What gal ? The step mom , or a Court appointed GAL ?

I can't tell if your having a bad hair day because of family feuds or what .

Also name your State .

I restated it. Sorry.

 

[CJane]

YEs, I am fighting for some type of control - I want to have some say so in the kids' lives - not just him. He acts as if he has full custody!

I work 6 and 7 days a week because I work a couple of hrs a day so I can keep my job...


And the part you say about people living in different towns.. we did live in different towns but they were only 5 miles apart before - now they are 45-50 mins apart!

I'm not judging you for your work schedule. I'm saying that in your case, ROFOR could work against you. If it's not ok with you that the kids go to before/after school care on his days, and you push for the right to be able to keep the kids, he could do the same, and have the kids while you work whether your husband is available to watch them or not. More often than not, I think that ROFOR bites people in the a$$, no matter how well intentioned they are.

And I realize that you're fighting for some control over your children's lives, but you need to realize that on his days, that's not your right. HE has the right to make whatever decisions he deems best for them on his days, just as you do on yours. That's something you're just going to have to get used to, the sooner the better.

45-50 minutes just isn't that big of a deal, I'm sorry. Many parents who live in a large metropolitan area deal with far more than that, even with split custody. Your kids will survive a commute, even if they don't like it.

I'm not attempting to sound uncaring, but your posts are beginning to sound like you're grasping at reasons to maintain total control over the kids and EVERYTHING that impacts their lives, and frankly you lost that right when you divorced. I can understand some of what you're going through. I struggle with my ex over what each of us thinks is appropriate. I deal with his wife and he has to deal with my fiance. It's not comfortable in the least, but I realize that during his time with the kids (which is half the time) I'm out of the loop whether I like it or not. I don't call them unless something big is going on (first day of school, etc) and don't expect calls from them. I only speak to the ex if I have something to discuss with him regarding the children or visitation that requires an immediate decision/answer. If I can wait 24 hours or so for a response, I email him and wait for an answer. I don't consult him on decisions I make about the kids unless it's going to impact his time with them, and he doesn't consult me unless the same applies.

 

[concernedmom4ki]

I'm thinking that you probably can't 'use the new wife against him'. It's not illegal to be a b*tch or to insult people, or to criticize the way they parent their children. Some of that crap, you're just going to have to deal with.

I agree.

Stop trying to figure out how to get back at him, or what can be used against him, etc. Focus on the fact that really, all you're ironing out is the custody issue. You've already won the school district issue.

I really don't want to 'get back' at him - as far as I'm concerned with him, he's cool. When he and I separated, he actually came over and ate dinner with us a night or two and sat in the living room floor with me and talked while the kids played down the hall. He's different when he is away from her.
And when we drop off and pick up etc, we are cool. We wish each other a good vacation, a good weekend, ask how work was, etc, etc - it's when he is at home with her that things are so different.

You're going to have to compromise, that's just a given. So figure out ahead of time what you're willing to give up (like the daycare issue or whatever) instead of concentrating so hard on being perceived as perfect and ready for the GAL. YES, his/her opinion of you is important. But it's far more important to make sure that she's seeing the REAL YOU, not what YOU think she might want to see. Make sense?

I guess. I'm not sure what I am supposed to do. I've been wanting to work from the time the kids get to school until they get out Mon-Fri but then I'm afraid the courts would look down on me only working part time. So, I keep this job and work an extra day a week to make up my hours so I can get my kids on my days. Sometimes, I can even still work 5 days that week instead of 6 - but it depends on who's got games etc going on... how will the court look at me working part time instead of full time?

 

[concernedmom4ki]

More often than not, I think that ROFOR bites people in the a$$, no matter how well intentioned they are.

Ok - understand. Learned about that on here but also understand the down side.

And I realize that you're fighting for some control over your children's lives, but you need to realize that on his days, that's not your right. HE has the right to make whatever decisions he deems best for them on his days, just as you do on yours. That's something you're just going to have to get used to, the sooner the better.

Well, I've never had a say in anything with the kids, if I decide something, he overrides it and changes everything then informs me afterwards.
He decided to change the afterecare arrangements last year to new arrangements then informed me - it was one family member then it went to another and when I found out, I stopped letting the 2nd one pick up and I picked up on my days. Grandma was ok to pick up but not grandpa because he was hateful and mean to kids.
If it came to anything with kids, he decided and informed me. If I told him that I had signed them up for an appt at a dr's office because I was worried about the child needing surgery sooner than anticipated (we had thought we'd have surgery with child in 1 yr) but dr said it might need to be moved up in child stayed sick.. welll, sick was getting sick and on antibiotics every 2-3 weeks at this time and I made the appt - he called and cancelled it and when I showed up, child couldn't be seen because dad cancelled it - we have joint physical and legal custody. The dr got mad when he found out later.

45-50 minutes just isn't that big of a deal, I'm sorry. Many parents who live in a large metropolitan area deal with far more than that, even with split custody. Your kids will survive a commute, even if they don't like it.

Ok - each has their own feelings on that.

I'm not attempting to sound uncaring, but your posts are beginning to sound like you're grasping at reasons to maintain total control over the kids and EVERYTHING that impacts their lives, and frankly you lost that right when you divorced. I can understand some of what you're going through. I struggle with my ex over what each of us thinks is appropriate. I deal with his wife and he has to deal with my fiance. It's not comfortable in the least, but I realize that during his time with the kids (which is half the time) I'm out of the loop whether I like it or not. I don't call them unless something big is going on (first day of school, etc) and don't expect calls from them. I only speak to the ex if I have something to discuss with him regarding the children or visitation that requires an immediate decision/answer. If I can wait 24 hours or so for a response, I email him and wait for an answer. I don't consult him on decisions I make about the kids unless it's going to impact his time with them, and he doesn't consult me unless the same applies.

I WISH he wouldn't call so often.. He calls every single solitary day and night - no matter what's going on. Kids don't want to talk to him and he punishes them when they get back to him. He'll call my work, he'll call my cell, my home, wherever - even has my husband's cell # but I don't know his home # or his wife's cell or even know where they live (he has come to my house when he INSISTED on knowing where I was living and would NOT give up)....He's even purposefully not pack kids' medicines just so he has to make me meet him or him to come by here - and so he can see the kids - the other day he made them get out of the car and see him before he would leave.

P.S> I didn't want the divorce - he was seeing his new 'wife' at the time and I was in the hospital with a high risk pregnancy and we (me&baby)both almost died!

 

[concernedmom4ki]

I'm not judging you for your work schedule. If it's not ok with you that the kids go to before/after school care on his days, and you push for the right to be able to keep the kids, he could do the same, and have the kids while you work.

I want to work mon-fri 8 - 2:30 but I'm afraid the courts will use the p/t work against me.

I can take them to school every am and pick them up every afternoon. I told him that I could do that and it would save him $ - he has to pass my house every day to go to work and the kids' school is on my way to work.
Easy Peezy.
I'm NOT wanting his money. I don't want him to pay child support although I was entitled to it. He didn't want to pay it so I let him out of it. So, it's not about the stupid money. I want him to let me see my kids when I can even if it's 'HIS' day... what in the world is so wrong with that???
I'd let him see them if he wants - all he has to do is call. I've done it before.
It's not about him and me - the kids don't want to go to daycare before school. They are tired already of getting up 3 hours before school starts.
They want their dad to let them come here in the mornings and eat with me instead of him dropping them off in daycare to eat and be there - they could be here. They say they don't like going there and have asked their dad to let them come here in the mornings but he refuses. I've told him that it would be easy for me and great for the kids but he won't.
It's not about right of refusal or whatever, it's about if one parent is able to be with kids if it's able and not out of anyone's way to do it. I understand the working and one person working here and the parent being there etc and it's in two different directions etc but geez - the kids have asked and I had already made arrangements for them, he's just being hateful.