he won't be there...

[Zephyr]

it was answered twice and i thank you for your answers, however the person who asked the original question continued to ask what are my concerns for my child... so i felt the need to reiterate that my concern is allowing my child to spend three nights away from home with someone that i don't know very well..



also, for anyone who is interested.. pending a conversation with my suddenly unreachable ex, i believe that we're going to handle this weekend as follows..
playdates with the children at the park on saturday.. a second play date at their house on sunday afternoon.. so that i have plenty of time to talk to new step mom. (who i already like better simply because she was understanding and agreed that she wouldn't send her children with someone she didn't know either)!!

then my ex will keep our daughter for a long weekend.. thursday, friday, saturday, and sunday.. then resume our regular schedule.

sound fair? i think so..

I'm glad to hear there's one adult who can be rational

 

[rowenasmum]

I'm glad to hear there's one adult who can be rational

why thank you..
i want it to be fair. i want to have the same kind of respect for his parental rights that i expect him to have for mine.. and honestly, i believe that i'll get along with his wife.. i just want the opportunity to know her before i start letting her keep my daughter for the weekend.

 

[Zephyr]

I was talking about the step-mother

 

[sometwo]

I was talking about the step-mother

Too funny!

 

[rowenasmum]

I was talking about the step-mother

you guys really make no effort to make people feel comfortable asking questions here do you?
i've felt nothing but flamed since i got here..
jeez..
for future questions.. i think i'll just stick to asking my friends and family... while i might get fairly one-sided responses.. at least i won't feel like people are being deliberately rude to me...

and also.. can someone please point out how i've been irrational?

 

[sometwo]

r future questions.. i think i'll just stick to asking my friends and family... while i might get fairly one-sided responses.. at least i won't feel like people are being deliberately rude to me

Good luck with that

 

[Zephyr]

you guys really make no effort to make people feel comfortable asking questions here do you?
i've felt nothing but flamed since i got here..
jeez..
for future questions.. i think i'll just stick to asking my friends and family... while i might get fairly one-sided responses.. at least i won't feel like people are being deliberately rude to me...

and also.. can someone please point out how i've been irrational?

Reread the thread. You were only concerned about you, what you wanted, and what you thought you had the right to do. You didn't give two figs about anyone else involved. You couldn't raise one valid concern about your child's safety or well being. It was all about what made YOU comfortable. You put out a little token offering of playdates like they should jump at it like it's a gift.

Finally, the situation gets resolved by the one person involved who does not have a legal obligation to the child.

If I were dad I wouldn't have answered your calls either after you acted like such a chicken little ninny.

Realize this- and the sooner the better, not everything will go 100% your way, you will not be 100% comfortable with everything that goes on in your child's life. Luckily for you this sm appears to be caring and empathetic- if she were not- you could very well be back here in a couple years posting about how your kid's sm won't budge on anything and she hates you for no apparent reason- sometimes the PEACE and cooperation and goodwill are totally worth some compromise here and there.

 

[sometwo]

And btw , your not going to know every person your child is around. Your divorced (or never married whichever the case ) and dad doesn't have to answer to you. He has the right to raise and parent the child as he wishes. He has the same rights as you which also means that whom he decides to have the child around is also his right. He doesn't have to tell you a thing or leave the child with certain people . (unless its in a court order which it appears it is not) .

You don't get to dictate that, control that or anything else. You picked him as dad and he has a right to act as dad with those rights. Which by the way are the same as your rights.

 

[mdgtfrmhll]

and also.. can someone please point out how i've been irrational?

Just a few:

but i'm not comfortable letting this woman take my child if my ex isn't going to be there.. it took a long time for me to be ok with him taking her..

but we agreed on one thing, which was that we were both to know all the details of our daughter's life...i'm not ok with that. he knows her, he trusts her.. i get that.. but i don't know her very well yet. as i said, if it's face time with the step-siblings that's his issue.. and give me the opportunity to get to know his wife better

i get to keep her if he isn't around to do it. even if it is his scheduled weekend. i don't know this woman and i'm not letting her take my child. i don't care how much my ex trusts her or how healthy her kids are... we agreed that we would only hire a babysitter if the other wasn't available,,,and even if i ruffle a few feathers by not letting my daughter go over there this weekend, i'm going to stick to my guns because if he can't be with her this weekend, i'd love to...since she's MY child...i'm not being a ninny.. i'm being a responsible parent.

 

[rowenasmum]

well you have a right to your opinion..
my opinion is that i expect my ex to hold to the arrangement that he and i agreed to. i agree that his wife is very rational.. however i don't feel that i was irrational in expecting to be allowed to take care of my daughter when her father isn't here for his visitation. my ex wants to know the person who babysits our daughter when the situation is reversed.. and i believe that i have the same right. and why should i let his wife keep her when i'm here and i'm available?
so you can put his wife on a pedistal if you like. she's a nice person and i'm sure in the future i won't have a problem letting her keep my daughter but it won't me until i'm comfortable with her and not a second before. and if that makes me a horrible person, then so be it.. i call it responsible parenting.
by the way.. you never said if you'd let your children stay the weekend with someone you don't know...
i'm assuming that's because the answer is no, you wouldn't.
as for me posting in this forum again.. i don't think that's something you have to worry about.. because with the exception of a few:: Dogmatique, tinkerbell, and a couple others..
everyone here has been nothing but rude and not tried to help at all.

 

[sometwo]

You've made it all you your child, your confort level you don't know the person blah blah blah.

That doesn't matter. Its not your child . This is the child of both of you. Your confort doesn't matter. This again is his child too. You don't have to know the person again this is his child too.

 

[sometwo]

you never said if you'd let your children stay the weekend with someone you don't know

My stepson has spent many weekends, nights etc with people my husband did not know. He is cp also.

ETA: my daughter has not, my husband and I are not divorced and don't have to worry about that. That's what happens when you have an intact v/s not intact family. You deal with it.

 

[Zephyr]

well you have a right to your opinion..
my opinion is that i expect my ex to hold to the arrangement that he and i agreed to. i agree that his wife is very rational.. however i don't feel that i was irrational in expecting to be allowed to take care of my daughter when her father isn't here for his visitation. my ex wants to know the person who babysits our daughter when the situation is reversed.. and i believe that i have the same right. and why should i let his wife keep her when i'm here and i'm available?
so you can put his wife on a pedistal if you like. she's a nice person and i'm sure in the future i won't have a problem letting her keep my daughter but it won't me until i'm comfortable with her and not a second before. and if that makes me a horrible person, then so be it.. i call it responsible parenting.
by the way.. you never said if you'd let your children stay the weekend with someone you don't know...
i'm assuming that's because the answer is no, you wouldn't.
as for me posting in this forum again.. i don't think that's something you have to worry about.. because with the exception of a few:: Dogmatique, tinkerbell, and a couple others..
everyone here has been nothing but rude and not tried to help at all.

What I would or would not do is totally irrelevant to YOUR situation.

 

[mdgtfrmhll]

by the way.. you never said if you'd let your children stay the weekend with someone you don't know...
i'm assuming that's because the answer is no, you wouldn't.
a

To answer your question the answer is yes and I have, and guess what, I'm a pretty responsible parent too.

While at dad's this summer, kiddo's dad called to let me know that his stepmom had just been diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer. He told me that he was jumping a plane that night to fly up to Alaska to spend the week with her. My only reaction was, "Please let her know I'm thinking of her." Kiddo stayed with Stepmom, who I DON'T KNOW. But dad knows her..he married her, and kiddo knows her. Kiddo doesn't even particularly like her, but that wasn't an issue. My parents live in the same town that his father lives in, so using your logic, I could have caused a ruckus and fought with him, and made him take kiddo to them I guess, but I was RATIONAL and realized that nothing would happen to kiddo by staying right where he was. He was with his brothers, ones that he only sees a few weeks out of the year, and he was staying put. Guess what....miraculously he came home with ten fingers and ten toes...Imagine that.....

 

[Gum_Drop]

To any parent who has ever let their child spend the night with a friend, do you REALLY know the other parents??? I mean REALLY?? I have had tween boys spend the night at my house, and if it wasnt for me calling their Parents to confirm it was OK I would have never spoken to them.

AS for the first time my son spent the night away at a friends house, I didnt know the other parents all the well, just a conversation or 2 on the phone. I am feeling better about a couple sets of Parents and another set, well lets just say lesson learned and he hasnt stayed the night there again. (they thought it was ok to let the boys wandered the neighborhood till 3 am)

I hope all works out for you, and you get to know Step mom, and just keep in mind there can never be enough people to love your child.