he won't be there...

[LdiJ]

you guys really make no effort to make people feel comfortable asking questions here do you?
i've felt nothing but flamed since i got here..
jeez..
for future questions.. i think i'll just stick to asking my friends and family... while i might get fairly one-sided responses.. at least i won't feel like people are being deliberately rude to me...

and also.. can someone please point out how i've been irrational?

You know what...you haven't been the slightest bit irrational. There are a lot of people here that think that a child should spend the other parent's time, with the other parents family or new spouse if that is what the other parent wants. Even if the other parent will not be around at all during that time.

That is what you ran up against here. However, legally, if dad is not going to be there at all, you do not have to give up your child to his new wife. Visitation is not transferible. It sounds like his wife is smart enough to understand exactly why you feel the way that you feel, particularly since she stated that she would feel the same way.

So, follow the plan you have come up with, with dad's wife. Its not your fault dad isn't answering his phone.

 

[Rushia]

You know what...you haven't been the slightest bit irrational. There are a lot of people here that think that a child should spend the other parent's time, with the other parents family or new spouse if that is what the other parent wants. Even if the other parent will not be around at all during that time.

That is what you ran up against here. However, legally, if dad is not going to be there at all, you do not have to give up your child to his new wife. Visitation is not transferible. It sounds like his wife is smart enough to understand exactly why you feel the way that you feel, particularly since she stated that she would feel the same way.

So, follow the plan you have come up with, with dad's wife. Its not your fault dad isn't answering his phone.

I agree. People on here like to harp about how this is a LEGAL board. LEGALLY, she doesn't have to allow stepmom to take the child at all without her permission. I find it pleasant that OP and stepmom actually attempted to come to a solution that was comfortable for them both.

 

[frylover]

OK, step mom thought this was a good plan, too, because she said she wouldn't be comfortable shipping HER kids off with someone SHE didn't know, either! So, actually, to those who are giving step mom props for being the "rational" one and slamming mom, if stepmm admits she wouldn't be comfortable doing it, either, wouldn't that make them BOTH rational or BOTH irrational?

 

[frylover]

To any parent who has ever let their child spend the night with a friend, do you REALLY know the other parents??? I mean REALLY??

In a word....Yes.

 

[sometwo]

To any parent who has ever let their child spend the night with a friend, do you REALLY know the other parents??? I mean REALLY?? I have had tween boys spend the night at my house, and if it wasnt for me calling their Parents to confirm it was OK I would have never spoken to them.

AS for the first time my son spent the night away at a friends house, I didnt know the other parents all the well, just a conversation or 2 on the phone. I am feeling better about a couple sets of Parents and another set, well lets just say lesson learned and he hasnt stayed the night there again. (they thought it was ok to let the boys wandered the neighborhood till 3 am)

I hope all works out for you, and you get to know Step mom, and just keep in mind there can never be enough people to love your child.

Actually yes. Im friends with the parents of the kids stepson spends the night with and the ones daughter spends the night with. We hang out and talk often . If I didn't the kids wouldn't be going over there. Plain and simple.

 

[sometwo]

I agree. People on here like to harp about how this is a LEGAL board. LEGALLY, she doesn't have to allow stepmom to take the child at all without her permission. I find it pleasant that OP and stepmom actually attempted to come to a solution that was comfortable for them both.

And legally dad didn't have to tell her anything and legally dad can pick up the child, drop off with stepmom and then leave out again.

 

[Spiral]

And legally dad didn't have to tell her anything and legally dad can pick up the child, drop off with stepmom and then leave out again.

Legally Dad can do a ton of random things - but that wasn't the question being posed. The question was whether or not she was required to pass her daughter over to the stepmother when the father wasn't going to be around. Answer was no. But this is all moot because they've come up with a mutual agreement on the visitation....why you keep harping on her is beyond me.

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

I have to go with LdiJ on this one. The mom here sounds resonable to me. She (unlike many posters) didnt start ranting and raving the evils of the new wife. She didnt say she didnt want her kids around the new wife and kids or didnt want the kids to get to know them. She in fact came up with a very fair alternative and was mature in dealing with the new step mom. She wasnt like a LOT of posters we get on here who dont give a darn about anything except screwing the ex. She honestly seemed to want to do the right thing as well as make sure the kids were going to be ok.

Good job OP

 

[steveswifey]

I have to go with LdiJ on this one. The mom here sounds resonable to me. She (unlike many posters) didnt start ranting and raving the evils of the new wife. She didnt say she didnt want her kids around the new wife and kids or didnt want the kids to get to know them. She in fact came up with a very fair alternative and was mature in dealing with the new step mom. She wasnt like a LOT of posters we get on here who dont give a darn about anything except screwing the ex. She honestly seemed to want to do the right thing as well as make sure the kids were going to be ok.

Good job OP

ok. i'm new here.. and i have no legal experience whatsoever, however.. i completely agree!!
i think that this mom has been nothing but fair. i think that the arrangement she has with the father is a perfect example of what co-parenting should be, and i think that the mutual agreement between mom and stepmom is a perfect soloution to the problem.. in fact, this seems like a very functional family to me.. however "not intact" they are..
(i don't remember who it was who said that, but it was very rude. you don't know the circumstances of this woman's divorce and you certanly don't have a right to throw it at her as though you're better than she is simply because your family is "in tact". that's just childish and mean!!)

 

[sometwo]

She honestly seemed to want to do the right thing as well as make sure the kids were going to be ok.

Well see the thing here is that mom chose dad to be dad and in doing so says that is is fit to take care of the child. Also that he would be fit to chose whom to leave his child with . Mom did not have any indication that dad is not fit to make those kind of decisions. Saying she doesn't trust wife or know her yet doesn't really matter. Dad has the same rights as her and has not been proven unfit . No where has mom stated it says in the court order who the child has to be left with either. Nor does it state stepmom can't pick up the child.

Stepmom thankfully is being civil about it however I look for in the future dad to not even notify mom of anything of the sort. He was being nice this time. Next time , if it were me , I wouldn't even tell mom I was out of town.

OP while legally yes you don't have to send child but I hope you plan to really make it up to dad or work something out with him (not stepmom) or I bet you'll be back here soon complaining that dad didin't tell you he isn't in town and demanding if you have the rights to go pick up your child from stepmom. Im sure you'll have some other excuse as to why you must.

Im just stating dad is being really nice by even notifying you (when he certainly doesn't have to) you at least owe it to him to talk to him about it and work something out that he agrees with.

 

[sometwo]

i don't remember who it was who said that, but it was very rude. you don't know the circumstances of this woman's divorce and you certanly don't have a right to throw it at her as though you're better than she is simply because your family is "in tact". that's just childish and mean

It wasn't rude or mean . It was the truth and the reality of it.

I did not throw it at her as I was better or anything else. Seriously grow up.

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

Well see the thing here is that mom chose dad to be dad and in doing so says that is is fit to take care of the child. Also that he would be fit to chose whom to leave his child with . Mom did not have any indication that dad is not fit to make those kind of decisions. Saying she doesn't trust wife or know her yet doesn't really matter. Dad has the same rights as her and has not been proven unfit . No where has mom stated it says in the court order who the child has to be left with either. Nor does it state stepmom can't pick up the child.

Stepmom thankfully is being civil about it however I look for in the future dad to not even notify mom of anything of the sort. He was being nice this time. Next time , if it were me , I wouldn't even tell mom I was out of town.

OP while legally yes you don't have to send child but I hope you plan to really make it up to dad or work something out with him (not stepmom) or I bet you'll be back here soon complaining that dad didin't tell you he isn't in town and demanding if you have the rights to go pick up your child from stepmom. Im sure you'll have some other excuse as to why you must.

Im just stating dad is being really nice by even notifying you (when he certainly doesn't have to) you at least owe it to him to talk to him about it and work something out that he agrees with.

Legally mom doesnt have to let kiddos go. This OP is figuring out an alternative. As many times as we see overstepping, bad mouth talking, crazy new wives on here it is resonable that the OP has made the arrangments that she has.

 

[rowenasmum]

Legally mom doesnt have to let kiddos go. This OP is figuring out an alternative. As many times as we see overstepping, bad mouth talking, crazy new wives on here it is resonable that the OP has made the arrangments that she has.

thanks for the support hisbabygirl and all other recent posters..

if sometwo doesn't get it by now, she isn't going to, however, i will try to explain myself one more time::
what she fails to understand is that, were the situation reversed, my ex would absolutely refuse to allow someone he didn't know to keep our child. particularly not if he was available and willing to keep her himself.
the stepmom's parenting capabilities were never questioned. neither was her character.. i'm sure she's a lovely person. she certainly seems to be.
i have not fought with my ex or his wife.. i haven't made a "ruckus" as has been suggested. in fact, the only people i've argued with about this have been on this forum which, in retrospect, seems very silly.. which is why i'm not posting any further questions i have here.
sometwo, and certain others, choose to see me as a bad person and distrustful of my ex's new wife.. which i am not. i simply do not know her. and i'm even taking steps to remedy that situation...
he was not "just being nice" when he called to ask that i let his wife pick up our daughter.. he was living up to his end of the agreement that we BOTH have EQUAL say in who keeps our daughter.. as per that agreement, i was available and willing to keep her, he was not.. so i'm keeping her.
end of story.

anyway.. my ex did finally answer his phone... and it has been arranged. he agreed to the playdates, said they were a good idea and even apologized for his tone of voice on the phone earlier... but actually said that he can't keep our daughter for a long weekend because he's already promised his wife that they'd go away since her children are going to be with their father! he did request to keep her an extra weekend, but said that we'll schedule it later.. i've agreed. so it's all settled.
we both try to be respectful of each other and settle our disputes calmly and outside of court as we think that would be in the best interest of our daughter..
thanks to those who offered genuine advice and support (even though this is not a "support forum").. i would like you to know you're all appreciated!! thanks again!!

 

[CJane]

I would only like to say that in MY case, and EVERY OTHER case that I'm remotely familiar with, the standard advice that we give, and tell a parent that they ALWAYS have the right to just go pick up their child when they're not physically with the other parent is WRONG.

My ex routinely travels for work. I'm telling you right now, if I had EVER just shown up and picked up the girls from school on "his" time EVEN when I KNEW that he wouldn't be home for the duration of their stay with them, I would get SLAMMED HARD.

And even if I decided that my kids could spend every second of my 6 weeks in the summer with my Mom 2 hours away, if HE went there and just picked them up because, well, they're with a legal stranger... HE would get SLAMMED.

If it's my weekend and my sister picks them up from school and whisks them off for the weekend because I have plans or am out of town? He can't just go pick them up and insist on having them.

That just isn't the way it works in reality.

If there's no ROFR, then it really is NONE of the other parent's business AT ALL who, exactly, the kids are with on the other parent's time. The COURT presumes that the parents are both fit, and as such will choose to do what is in their child's best interests at all times - EVEN WHEN IT COMES TO CHOOSING A CAREGIVER in their absence.

 

[sometwo]

If there's no ROFR, then it really is NONE of the other parent's business AT ALL who, exactly, the kids are with on the other parent's time. The COURT presumes that the parents are both fit, and as such will choose to do what is in their child's best interests at all times - EVEN WHEN IT COMES TO CHOOSING A CAREGIVER in their absence.

Thank you . You said it much better than I ever could.