Moving from Georgia

[GaMom0177]

Update:

I spoke with my ex about this again. I quote him here, "You have always been fair with me and I have no reason think differently now. Our girls have a better relationship with you than they do with me. They definitely need to be with you even if it sucks for me. We have always worked together and you have always done what was best for the girls and given me every advantage available to me even though you did not have to." I told him about this thread and what was said. His response was, "They do not know you and so can't make any judgments on your character or on our relationship. We both know that the girls are what matter and neither of us can give them happiness or teach them happiness without knowing it ourselves. You have always treated me with honor and respect even when you could have easily turned our children against me because the majority of what happened was because of me. You have sacrificed in every way possible both when we were married and since our divorce and I can't hold it against you because you are in a bad position now. Don't listen to the opinions of others."

As such, we will follow the advice of LdiJ and make an amendment to the divorce decree that will protect both us (this was at my insistence).

Thank you to those of you who did not attack my character and genuinely tried to help.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

What is the name of your state? Georgia

Starters here ... the 14yo does have a say in this. The 11yo does NOT.

I have my own business that has taken a severe financial hit and I expect it to take further hits in the near future. The main client has had financial problems and that has translated to less money for my business. We have conducted job searches in both places and have gotten vastly better response in the area where my husband's children reside. So...in order to live and maintain his relationship, we have no real choice but to move and seek other employment before the business dries completely up.

There appear to be economic reasons that moving MAY be justifiable.

What is most important to set up a long-distance parenting plan that will allow the children to spend time with both parents.

Since mom has gone beyond the court order and worked on facilitating a relationship with their father, it doesn't appear that the intentions to thwart it.

OP - make sure you go to court to get a long-distance plan in place. Plan on being responsible for the transportation costs.

 

[LdiJ]

Update:

I spoke with my ex about this again. I quote him here, "You have always been fair with me and I have no reason think differently now. Our girls have a better relationship with you than they do with me. They definitely need to be with you even if it sucks for me. We have always worked together and you have always done what was best for the girls and given me every advantage available to me even though you did not have to." I told him about this thread and what was said. His response was, "They do not know you and so can't make any judgments on your character or on our relationship. We both know that the girls are what matter and neither of us can give them happiness or teach them happiness without knowing it ourselves. You have always treated me with honor and respect even when you could have easily turned our children against me because the majority of what happened was because of me. You have sacrificed in every way possible both when we were married and since our divorce and I can't hold it against you because you are in a bad position now. Don't listen to the opinions of others."

As such, we will follow the advice of LdiJ and make an amendment to the divorce decree that will protect both us (this was at my insistence).

Thank you to those of you who did not attack my character and genuinely tried to help.

Please don't take the "attacks" that you got personally. A fairly large number of posters on this forum are so anti relocations that they will go into attack mode, even when the poster has indicated that the parties are in agreement.

 

[wileybunch]

Please don't take the "attacks" that you got personally. A fairly large number of posters on this forum are so anti relocations that they will go into attack mode, even when the poster has indicated that the parties are in agreement.

I'm not one of them (I have no history of that), but I did very much respond to a relocation that is largely based on what's in the best interests of new husband/new stepchildren and said so in my previous reply. After that, OP went on to say:

Ok...so then my husband, whose children are not able to comprehend and maintain as well, should have to decide whether my children are more important than his?

Nice that your husband wants to be a better father to his children NOW, now that it means taking your kids away from THEIR dad.

... and about her children's father:

Has he put in time with them? Absolutely. Has he been a great dad? Absolutely. Does this suck for him? Damn right it does. And it tears me up.

Your ex is quite possibly saying what he does out of guilt, feeling like he's lucky that you allowed him the privilege of being part of his kids' lives and fostering his relationship with them when in reality that was your legal responsibility.

Had you lied and just said you needed to move for economic reasons, my response would have been different.

 

[CJane]

Has anyone mentioned that the 14 year old gets to choose, unilaterally, which parent she lives with? This IS GA, after all.

 

[GaMom0177]

Wiley... I find it humorous that you choose to quote only the portions that you deem to quote only my actions which you find fault with. My husband was good father throughout. We have consistently gone for visitation, traveling long distances to do so, so he hasn't chosen to be a good father NOW...he has ALWAYS been. Also, you have NO idea what went on BEFORE I got married. Did you know that I discussed my marriage with my ex even though that was not his business legally and I didn't have to? Of course you didn't. You just assumed that I'm some loser mom who doesn't care. Furthermore, did you know that my ex actually LIKES my new husband? Of course not. Again, because you assume that I don't care that about my ex's feelings in regards to my children. Even when my ex said he didn't need to meet my new husband because he trusted my judgment I insisted. In the years following, a friendship was formed. Also, I find it funny that you say he might feel guilty. What he means...and I know this because HE told the children that he caused our divorce and hurt me and that he was the bad one; I then turned around and straightened that out so that he was not the bad guy when he himself told them he was...and truth be told...he was...he was abusive and unfaithful to me. That did not make him a bad father. So, he knows if, when my children ask questions, I concentrated on only the facts and not the reasons behind the actions, my children would hate him. I took personal interest much farther than what I HAD to in order to promote his relationship. I know of NO other person I've run into that has gone to those lengths.

As to the economics....you seem to ignore the part in the first post where I said I conducted job searches in BOTH areas. I am highly qualified and thus far in the more than 3 months of searching in my ex's area I have received exactly 0 responses to the numerous resume's sent out. In the ONE month I have sent resume's out in my "new husband's" area I have been had 13 responses, scheduled 6 interviews, and stand an excellent chance of getting a very good position already. Again, I'm sure you know what assuming does...so try not to assume that I'm focused ONLY on my new husband.

You know what....my ex is his own entity too. My main concern is for my children. Know what they have had to say about this? This has been discussed for a good long while now. It has come up before and that's why I searched in my ex's area longer. I was trying to stay there. My children, during that time, have expressed not wanting to move from their friends. That is their main concern. Their dad they have said they can talk to and will get to see so they aren't worried about that. That's probably because when they are at his house, according to them during the two years since our divorce (this is in other words a consistent pattern of behavior for him), he spends the majority of the time he is home in front of a computer playing games. He does do things with them...but it isn't like they get quality time alot. He has alot going on and so I don't blame him and I teach the children not to blame him for needing that time. However, that does not alter the fact that when they are with me they DO get that quality time alot. Thus...they aren't so tore up about leaving him...it's the friends and school they primarily don't want to leave. Again, your assumptions are quite large. I said my children weren't happy about it. I never said that their dad was the main reason they weren't. So....I can say...you know what...you're right. My husband's worries are his, my ex's are his, and my children's are mine. Thus...if I'm not happy neither are my children. It's unfortunate that my ex husband didn't put the effort behind promoting his relationship with his children as much as I did and now his children can move away from him with little to no discomfort in that aspect. My children's best interests are served and that's all I care about. And I get to love and support my new husband who apparently is the worst dad because he loved someone and went to be with them and then took pains to ensure that he still got to see his children!

As to the 14 year old, she was told when she was 12 by someone outside the family that she could choose to live where she wanted when she was 14. Having said that, I asked both girls where they wanted to live if it came down to a choice and both have stated repeatedly that they want to be with me.

 

[CJane]

As to the 14 year old, she was told when she was 12 by someone outside the family that she could choose to live where she wanted when she was 14. Having said that, I asked both girls where they wanted to live if it came down to a choice and both have stated repeatedly that they want to be with me.

And in GA, she absolutely CAN choose which parent to live with.

 

[Silverplum]

Could that latest missive be a little longer or have a little less white space??

We are all mightily intelligent, but none of us are mind-readers. So if you had some big long backstory about how horrible Dad is, but didn't bother to put it out there in the beginning, then you must forgive us for being non-telepathic.

 

[GaMom0177]

One other little note.....I'm still searching in my ex's area too. I haven't given up on that yet. It just looks like, right now, I'm most likely going to be relocating. I put off moving and dodged it as long as I could and now am running out of time. I have to take a job where I get an offer.

LdiJ, thank you. I appreciate that you were able to give helpful advice. I realize that people will disagree. I asked for suggestions hoping that someone would actually be helpful and not be disparaging. I expected anyone who didn't agree to voice that but was hopeful that they would at least TRY to see it from both sides and be helpful to both sides. You were able to do that and I'm grateful to you.

I have agonized over this for a long time. I never expected to have to move. All my family is in my ex's area and I have lived there all my life. I don't want this move either. It just appears that I have no choice at this moment. The only thing for me in my husband's area is him and his children. This was not an easy choice. But in order for us to provide and survive...as well as...my husband being able to see his small children...there isn't much choice. At this point the primary concern is survival. Both my husband and myself have tried to find jobs in Georgia where the family resides. The market is just plain bad in that area. My brother and my mother also are subcontractors and work for the same big client I do. My brother (a web designer, computer programmer, graphics specialist) is also looking for a job and has had no luck. My mother has other real estate clients but that market is slumping too and if she isn't able to get more clients she will be looking as well. This is a situation that came up after working for this client for nearly 4 years. It has been a terrible shock to all of us.

Bottom line...I had no choice but to look for employment. My husband's area appears to best place to get that employment despite the fact that I have looked there much less time than I looked in my hometown.

 

[GaMom0177]

Silver.....I tried to give a synopsis. I tried to present the situation and ask for help without writing anymore of a novel than I had to. Believe it or not...that was out of respect for you all. You have busy lives and donate time here. I didn't want to take anymore of that than I had to.

I thought I covered the bases when I said that I had searched both places...meaning I didn't just up and decide to move because I wanted to. Guess you missed that part huh?

 

[GaMom0177]

CJane...yes I know. My cousins chose where they wanted to live when they were 14. I would not have withheld that from her even if she hadn't been previously told. I agreed at the time she was told and reminded her when this came up as well. Thank you for asking about it though.

 

[Silverplum]

Silver.....I tried to give a synopsis. I tried to present the situation and ask for help without writing anymore of a novel than I had to. Believe it or not...that was out of respect for you all. You have busy lives and donate time here. I didn't want to take anymore of that than I had to.

I thought I covered the bases when I said that I had searched both places...meaning I didn't just up and decide to move because I wanted to. Guess you missed that part huh?

What diff does it make? But yes, I read all of your excruciating posts, and I still disagree with you and think you are being Evil. Not just stupid, not just rude, but Actually Evil. That's my opinion, and I am allowed to have it. Ldij thinks that Mothers Rule and will bend a post any way she can to allow Mothers To Rule. And she will tell you that I do the same for Dads.

You don't care what I think. You don't care what anyone thinks.

That's cool, though, because I won't lose any sleep over this.

Let us know how your daughters turn out without their Dad. Educated people know that girls need their Dads, especially in the teen years.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Educated people know that girls need their Dads, especially in the teen years.

Only when Dads act like decent human beings AND do things that are in the best interest of their children. The same statement goes for mothers too.

 

[GaMom0177]

Actually...educated people know that children need BOTH parents. As a mother I am more in tune with them because I spend more time with them AND have gone through the exact hormonal changes they are and have faced many of the challenges they are AS A FEMALE. Their dad is absolutely necessary for them. And I do not in anyway intend to remove him from their life.

LdiJ gave me advice to something in place through the court systems. That is being biased?

At any rate, at least now I know what I might would have to combat IF (as unlikely as that is) it went to court. Thank you for that at least. And now I know that with the full story I would no doubt stand a very good chance of winning it. So..even though you didn't mean to you were helpful to me. Thanks.

 

[Silverplum]

Actually...educated people know that children need BOTH parents.

Then WHY on earth would a GOOD mother remove them from their FATHER???

Logic just kicked you in the butt, honey. Whatcha gonna do?

As a mother I am more in tune with them because I spend more time with them AND have gone through the exact hormonal changes they are and have faced many of the challenges they are AS A FEMALE.

You are a complete sexist!!
I would be ashamed to know you IRL. Really.

Their dad is absolutely necessary for them. And I do not in anyway intend to remove him from their life.

Sure. Right. Yeah.

That's why you married some dude with family in another state and put HIS family FIRST.

LdiJ gave me advice to something in place through the court systems. That is being biased?

I told you at the beginning of your (overlong and overwrought) thread that I wouldn't help you. And that SOMEONE (meaning ldij) would come along to help you, because she does not value fathers at all. You can read, right? Go back to page 1 of your thread and read what I wrote.

At any rate, at least now I know what I might would have to combat IF (as unlikely as that is) it went to court. Thank you for that at least. And now I know that with the full story I would no doubt stand a very good chance of winning it. So..even though you didn't mean to you were helpful to me. Thanks.

You're welcome.

I only wanted to help your poor daughters. But it's not to be. Oh, well.