Need Advice On Visitation Change (Long Story) Please Help!

[AmIUnreasonable]

Thank you Kitty for being so nice to me. I feel like I have been so bashed by some on this board. Not by all but by some. Thankfully, I have it on my answering machine her saying that I would have to give up visits if I showed up at 7:30 am instead of 5:30 am. You should hear how condisending (sp?) her tone of her voice sounds.

And no, our divorce decree does not state that if either are late we give our rights to that visit.

 

[stealth2]

Have you thought of this to show something is differnet or using " " to show someone else's comments.

Talk about getting fussy. People have different ways of separating quotes, etc from their comments. Some even use the "quote" feature the board so kindly provides! Cut the guy a break, rmet. He's not using all caps, all bold, all italics. So he breaks out comments differently from you - big deal. Put your feet up and relax some.

 

[klhofbauer]

AmI-

As a twice-divorced, now remarried mom, I too do not believe you are being unreasonable; mayhaps there are just so many gals who unfortunately have been burned and burned badly that some folks just don't believe one iota a dad cares more about his kids! *shrugs* who knows...

I wish that my youngest son's father would express interest in his oldest son! Regardless of how many times I've called, written, emailed to my 16 yr. old's dad - dear old dad just isn't "getting it". The good relationship that they had is disintegrating rapidly - and it's because "dad" just doesn't do what he needs to do.

Anywho's.... for my youngest son (age 16): From the age of 12 months until November 1999 shortly after he turned 11, we had a joint custody arrangement. Our arrangement in the divorce was Sunday through Sunday pick up by the parent who would have the child for the week. Pick up time "around" 7pm. If one of us was running late, or we had to change times or even *days*, we would just give a courtesy call to the other parent.

I've read & re-read your thread, and cannot figure out why the two of you won't go for an agreement such as the above?

**Yes, I understand she has off work Fridays, and has to be at work by 6AM. However, her husband can get the children off to school - on the weeks that the girls would be with their mother.

**Yes, I understand you work the graveyard shift, but isn't your GF home during those hours you work at night - so your daughters wouldn't be home alone.

**Swapping out on Sunday nights gives each parent the opportunity to have "fun times" on the weekends (Sat/Sun) when no one is working or in school. Once the girls get older, they are liable to have school & extra-curricular activities that fall on Friday & Saturday nights - swapping out on Sunday nights gives everyone the opportunity to attend those Friday & Saturday events.

Since your ex is being so unreasonable (and it really sounds like she is behaving in a selfish manner) - the only thing that you can do *in my opinion* is to simply send her another written note reminding her what the judge told you two previously.

Keep copies of the tape you have, any letters you have and then write out several different "swapping" scenarios, outlining the "pros & cons" of each. This way, if you have to go in front of a mediator or judge to compromise, you have shown that you have tried to figure out what is best, fair, for everyone all around. It may also help to keep a log of days & times that you have tried calling your ex to discuss this.

Good luck to you - I hope it all works out.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

To Stealth2

That comment was in response to a response to a response to his letters that were all in bold face type which he posted 4 times, I was getting bleery eyed trying to read them, I was only trying to show 2 ways he might easily accomplish making the differentialtion without having to take extraordinary measures. Yes, this site provides a quote feature, but the use of " " is a seemless way to quote and not being "picky". Actually I did put my feet up and rest.

 

[kitty73990]

Your welcome. I understand how frustrating it can be when the other parent won't sit down and figure something out with you for the benefit of the children. My ex wouldn't and we ended up in court and neither one of us is completely happy with the order. However we are learning to be more cooperative for our son's sake. I hope that your situation gets better before it gets worse. You seem to be a very caring father and I hope that your ex will be able to see that very soon. Keep your chin up and look for the sunny skies!!

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

Thanks guys for all your nice responses. This co-parenting thing after a divorce is hard. Its so hard to sit back and watch someone else have so much control over what happens and if she doesnt want to work it out then tough. But I will do what everyone said. I dont want to ever seem unreasonable. I will give her more suggestions and remind her that the judge asked us to please work together with the children. I just want to word it in a way that doesnt sound like im being threatening. You know, as if to say, "agree with me or the judge will be mad at you." I dont want to ever come off that way. There are so many times when I have thought, gee i wish i could go to court about this or that or whatever but I dont because I am afraid of looking vindictive. Look at some of the responses I got. It took me explaining myself over and over to make people realize I would go with her suggestion and I wasnt out to take time from her. Here is a for instance (and I am not looking for sympathy, just making a point, I know one poster said I was looking for that) I have been off our joint checking account now for 2 1/2 years. Now, you have to realize, she went back to her maiden name after the divorce, she and I have both started new relationships (she just got married last month) In jan. of this year, she started using checks from when my name was on the account. It made me feel very weird about the whole situation. I asked her to get new checks (which i dont think is unreasonable) and still to this date hasnt. (she gives me a check for $40 each month for 1/2 of our girls health ins.) Now when I posted this on another site EVERYONE said I was being petty. I dont believe I am. Not one person could say they would feel comfortable seeing their name re-appear back on someones checks when they no longer had ties to that account. I know I cant be held responsible but COME ON........... but still, I havent said another word since the last time. I know she is just trying to bug me or maybe even get at my girlfriend. So how do you handle people who are just out to be mean???? Anyway, I am venting. Thank you for letting me vent. Sometimes you just need it and this place is the best place to do it because everyone understands.

Thank you!

Marc

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

A new situation

She called and left a message asking to get the kids two days early from me next week. No mention of the letters though. No mention of mondays or the issue I have brought up. What should I do???

 

[Reyna7]

Whew

I tell you this is one crazy thread. You asked one thing and then were slammed for all sorts of stuff that was not even related to the OP. It actually got pretty funny. I do know what you are talking about. My husband and I have it on both sides.

I can't get my son's father to answer any of my e-mails and on the other side my husband's ex picks and chooses which e-mails to answer. The ones she likes and suit her she answers the ones that will allow my husband to attend something for my step children's school or other activities she waits until the event is over then answers.

I think your ex is playing a very common "game" with CP and that is control. I doubt you get an answer, because this keeps her in control of the situation. I wish I had a magic answer for you, but we have yet to figure out our ex's and how they continue to think this is about them and not about the children. It is so sad to me.

I hate to say it, but you may be forced to take this back into court. Have you added that to any of your letters. Sort of like..."I have tried to settle this between us, if I don't get an answer from you in 10 days I will file papers in court". Maybe it will get her to stop the game and be more reasonable.

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

Slammed isnt the word!!!!! Slammed like a virgin on prom night! LOL Just kiddin guys!

I have decided and it may sound like im just being mean but NO she cant have them two days early. Why the heck would I turn around and give up my time of two days just so she can go back to messing with me and my GF the next week. She picked up those poor kids at 10 pm on July 4th, probably didnt get back to her house until 10:20 pm. The kids then had to get back up the next morning at 5:30am. Is that caring??? Was that being workable? Im sick of always being the bad guy!

Whew.....That felt good.

 

[frylover]

Hell, I feel good FOR you!

 

[kitty73990]

Why does she need to have them 2 extra days? Has she made arrangements for you to get that time back? Something tells me no. I don't understand how a mother can do that (jerk the children around). This woman needs a serious wake up call. Sorry if I sound harsh, but as a mother I can't understand her reasoning. I have problems with my ex mainly because we don't communicate properly. That is the main key to co-parenting after divorce (and during marriage for that matter). Hope things work out with this situation.

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

She wants the extra two days to go to california to visit family. I usually say yes but this time no. I let them go early last month for the same reason. AND I must include, on numerous occasions I will let her pick the kids up early, either a day or just a few hours to find out later the kids didnt even see the family until the next day or what ever. She just got them early because she could and I was nice and believed her story.

 

[Jen2]

Also, you said i didnt need to tell you but I will, we filed jointly for divorce. We both didnt want to be married anymore to each other. We are complete opposites and we were never ment to be married. I am so happy she is happy.QUOTE]

If the divorce was totally mutual, why is she being so combative now? If I'm reading right, she made a suggestion that you agreed with and now that you want to implement it, she's saying no? I feel like something is being left out, makes no sense to me. If everything you are saying is the whole story, I can't blame you for being upset and confused.

As far as the bedtime thing, my kids go to bed at 9 every night and don't have to be up until 7 on school days and they still whine and cry that they are tired. lol I think your kids are fine, nine hours of sleep is plenty, they just aren't morning people.

Good luck to you.

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

Why combative now? I really dont know why! My only guess is that this is her true self. She is doing the same thing with her first husband. She has a fifteen year old son with him that the father has custody of because of similar problems.

As far as the bedtime thing, my kids go to bed at 9 every night and don't have to be up until 7 on school days and they still whine and cry that they are tired. lol I think your kids are fine, nine hours of sleep is plenty, they just aren't morning people.

Everyone says 9 hours sleep. That is if they are "Boom" out exactly at 8pm. Not just put to bed, not playing around like kids do, but poof asleep. Her husband admitted to me that sometimes he gets up at 10pm and finds them playing. Then they get picked up at 5:30 am. Not up at 5:30, picked up at that time. I figure they get up at least by 5:00am. Its just not a fact of not being morning people, its lack of sleep. I have done alot of checking and most doctors say kids 5 and 7 years old need at least 11 hours sleep.

Then there is the point of all week long at my home they go to bed at 8 pm and then wake up at 7:15 am on school days. Mom and the kids say on the weekends they are allowed to stay up as late as they want. Then suddenly, one day out of the week the whole thing is changed and poof up by at the very lastest 5 am. Now my GF gets up at 5 am to be there by 5:30 am to pick them up. Sometimes, even going to bed at 10pm herself, finds it hard to get up that early and is sleepy for the day. Now if a grown women finds her schedule off, dont you think that kids would too???

 

[Jen2]

5am isn't to early for a child to get up as long as they get to bed at a decent hour the night before. If they are so tired in the am that they are crying...how can they possibly still be up playing at 10? Are they getting a nap after school or something?

It seems to me that she isn't the only one who is combative and you two obviously aren't going to get anywhere. Either suck it up and let the bf/husband (not sure which it is, you've said both) take them to school so they can get the sleep you think they need or take her back to court.