Chances of getting primary?

[sarabara]

Oh for pete's sake. No, we're not "sticking up for him". We're trying to get you to understand that - very simply - "that's not how this works ... that's not how any of this works".

And honestly, I think you need counseling too.

Lol. I am in counseling....thanks to his abuse.

 

[CTU]

I am not saying i'd get fully custody, dont expect that. Even though truthfully I deserve it, and so do the kids. But i get that. Right now it is 2 days a week and very other weekend for him. But my son is still coming back acting different after his dads.

I dont like him one bit but I dont show that to my children. I tell them all the time that we all love each other, and just because we live in different houses there's no need to be vindictive towards him . I just know the real him and I wish i hadnt let him see the kids, because he is very manipulative, and I feel sorry for them.

Hon, your children - both of your children - know exactly how you feel about their father. They likely cannot verbalize what they understand, but understand they do.

Your kids will act different every single time they come home to you, just as they'll act different every single time they go home to Dad's after being with you.

It's what kids do. They're quite often obnoxious, testy, angsty little bundles of joy ... no matter how wonderful things are.

 

[sarabara]

If you understand narcissism, that is him along with emotional abuse. Those type of people cannot change, he needs help so that the kids are not subjected to his manipulation. I got myself out, but not them and that is something I regret.

 

[CTU]

Lol. I am in counseling....thanks to his abuse.

I don't think you're in a place where you can accept the reality of family law just yet.

And that's perfectly fine - but you do need to understand that you're not going to get what you want, and you need to understand and own your part in whatever is going on.

 

[sarabara]

Hon, your children - both of your children - know exactly how you feel about their father. They likely cannot verbalize what they understand, but understand they do.

Your kids will act different every single time they come home to you, just as they'll act different every single time they go home to Dad's after being with you.

It's what kids do. They're quite often obnoxious, testy, angsty little bundles of joy ... no matter how wonderful things are.

No, I understand that kids are obnoxious. But when he is telling them things that is making them act this way, that is not okay. You don't tell your 5 year old that you will pick him up whenever he pleases, and buy him a phone and this and that. I've had a lawyer actually agree w/me on this anyways. He doesn't even deny saying it to him. I always tell my kids to have fun with their dad, and i love them, daddy loves them etc. Not toxic things.

 

[Ohiogal]

So even w/ the therapy, and protective order which show his violent tendencies, it would still be a major fight for primary custody?

What harm has come to the children with the amount of time? And a therapist can not blame dad based upon YOUR words of what happens. How many times has the therapist seen dad and the child interact? How many times has the therapist talked to dad? Does dad have the information for the therapist? Has dad been informed of the appointments?

 

[LdiJ]

If you understand narcissism, that is him along with emotional abuse. Those type of people cannot change, he needs help so that the kids are not subjected to his manipulation. I got myself out, but not them and that is something I regret.

You never had any chance of getting them "out". He was always going to get some parenting time with his children. Nothing you could have done would have changed that. He just might not have gotten as much had you not agreed.

 

[sarabara]

I don't think you're in a place where you can accept the reality of family law just yet.

And that's perfectly fine - but you do need to understand that you're not going to get what you want, and you need to understand and own your part in whatever is going on.

So instead, let the kids go be manipulated for however many years? It's not really about what I personally want, it's really about waht is best. In a perfect world we wouldn't even be split up because my kids would be getting the dad they deserve. But i cant change that now obviously

 

[sarabara]

I AM not asking to take my children from him! Nor would I want to. But, I do think they're best with me having primary custody is all.

 

[Ohiogal]

But hey, looks like you guys like sticking up for him. I got a threat to burn the house down because i wouldnt have sex with him and didnt give him "enough attention". But, okay! My kids were originally on it, his lawyers and my ****ty free one def told me to not try to fight that. So i didn't stupidly. My mistake. But my oldest needs help and going to his house makes things worse. I am mentally stable to address his need for help, and seek the help he needs.

Going to their dads un DOES every thing i work so hard at with him.

Lady, you need to grow up. Did you report the threat to police and show the police the evidence? You CHOSE not to fight your husband. that was a DECISION YOU MADE. You don't appear mentally stable with your comments.

 

[CTU]

If you understand narcissism, that is him along with emotional abuse. Those type of people cannot change, he needs help so that the kids are not subjected to his manipulation. I got myself out, but not them and that is something I regret.

Sara, stop it for a sec. Please look at what you're writing here. I get that you're upset, and that you're angry ... trust me, I get that. But you're not being productive and you're not helping yourself or your children.

Don't waive around armchair diagnoses. That does nothing but reinforce your anger and that's going to hurt you and your children even more in the long run. Understand that Dad has rights and it takes an awful lot for a court to remove even some of those rights. I'm talking abject neglect and abuse. Nothing you've said even comes close so far.

Instead of focusing on how to remove or reduce Dad - which you cannot do - focus instead on what you can do to make sure your children are taught decent coping skills.

Many (most?) of us here have had to go with "fake it until you make it" which, however trite it may sound, does actually work quite well most of the time. You can't control Dad. All you can control is how you deal with him, and step one is not letting him rent so much space in your head. He shouldn't be spending that much time there without paying rent ... right?

 

[sarabara]

What harm has come to the children with the amount of time? And a therapist can not blame dad based upon YOUR words of what happens. How many times has the therapist seen dad and the child interact? How many times has the therapist talked to dad? Does dad have the information for the therapist? Has dad been informed of the appointments?

You really think he is going to show his abusive self right off the bat? He knows he is being watched closely, esp with the protective order, etc. So he watches how he treats everyone .... for now. There's no way, this person has changed overnight.


Yes i told them that our oldest needed therapy, and I was going to be sending him to therapy. He doesnt want to admit that our son needs help and just blames me. Blames me for the protective order too, although he threatened to burn the house down.

 

[Ohiogal]

Im not even angry or bitter, I just want what is best for the KIDS. he doesnt care about them he cares abOUT ME and is freakishly obsessed with me.


And i know this because they TELL me, AND he has text me that.. Stating that my house will NEVER be the kids house, and my protective order is bogus, and this and that.

Get therapy. You believe a 3 and 6 year old when they say these things? Good grief. You need help. And what have you done about him texting you that stuff? ANYTHING? Anything at all?

 

[CJane]

I am not saying i'd get fully custody, dont expect that. Even though truthfully I deserve it, and so do the kids. But i get that. Right now it is 2 days a week and very other weekend for him. But my son is still coming back acting different after his dads.

I dont like him one bit but I dont show that to my children. I tell them all the time that we all love each other, and just because we live in different houses there's no need to be vindictive towards him . I just know the real him and I wish i hadnt let him see the kids, because he is very manipulative, and I feel sorry for them.

I get it. I went through YEARS of a 60/40 split. Of feeling like I had to deprogram my kids every time they came back to my house. Of dealing with my ex AND his new wife telling the kids all kinds of horrible things about me. I kept on keeping on, trying to be the best parent I could be, trying to show the kids through my actions that I wasn't what their father and stepmom were painting me as. Sometimes I screwed up and let my feelings towards those two show - but mostly, I vented to friends and kept it under wraps.

13 years later, the kids are 20 and 17, and unfortunately they have no relationship with their father. As crappy a person as he was a lot of the time? I still wouldn't wish fatherlessness on kids, and I still believe that the time they did spend with him when they were young was important and not something I'd ever regret.

 

[sarabara]

Lady, you need to grow up. Did you report the threat to police and show the police the evidence? You CHOSE not to fight your husband. that was a DECISION YOU MADE. You don't appear mentally stable with your comments.

UM yes I DID! hence the PROTECTIVE ORDER!