Order to Show Cause

[Proserpina]

How "recently discovered"? Because you referred to it over a year ago, (10/02/2009) when you were justifying your refusal to allow Dad vacation time. And, this reason was actually secondary to her missing a week of school, according to your post.

https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/vacation-time-issue-486830.html#post2374449
There are many many family problems going on in my ex's home that cause my daughter to not want to spend time with them. He has a fourteen year old step-son that has been inappropriate with our daughter



You were actually asked a few times in that thread if kiddo was in counseling re: stepbrother's behavior, and you never answered except to say that he's also a bully and you don't know how to help her.



You requested mediation because that's what's in your order.

But when EX follows the order, you get upset. In this thread, you complain that he's "never contributed anything financially that he's not ordered to" and then complain that his family didn't spend enough money on your child's birthday and YOU "had to" pay over $300 for a party and gifts. I'd wager that there are a whole lot of parents on this board who would never DREAM of spending $300 on a child for a birthday party.

https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-support-98/step-children-credit-496513.html

In this thread, you blame your negative responses to emails on your ex, and then admit that you refused to communicate with him directly regarding day care even though he has ROFR. (which is interesting ... does he STILL have ROFR?)

https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/lawyer-client-information-499407.html

Last December, you began asking here about changing daycare - not due to bullying, but because she'd be more able to participate in sports and after school activities. And the cost was $75 more/month. You added "believe me, he can afford it" when that is impossible for you to know.

https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/constant-conflict-496319.html

In that same thread (January posting), you talked about getting her therapy. Not for her stepbrother's inappropriate behavior, but because she "barely knows her father" and it makes her "physically ill" to visit him. (After 2 years, no less)

AND, in that thread, you state that he'd kicked the stepson out just after Christmas.

In this thread, and one just previous to it, you're trying really hard to justify filing a motion rather than mediating. Which is ironic, if nothing else.

https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/lawyers-delay-tactics-503602.html

And that was back in February. Did you ever file a motion/go to mediation?

In this thread in June, you're again saying how badly you want to file a motion to clarify the parenting plan. Apparently at some point y'all DID end up in mediation and didn't come to an agreement. But you never filed the motion. You also mention again that you want to change child's daycare.

https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/ex-didnt-make-pickup-friday-519667.html

In this thread, you're griping about a child support modification again, and this time you just don't think it's fair that he should get a residential credit OR a weekday overnight. You mention that kiddo isn't getting along with stepmom anymore, but you still have never again mentioned the stepbrother - who was presumably still living outside the home?

https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-support-98/fathers-residential-credit-519781.html

In this thread, ex's attorney is threatening to file an ex parte to prevent you from moving the child's daycare. You give reasons such as more school work assistance, etc - and secondarily mention bullying by a couple of the boys. And at this point, the daycare is $17 more, rather than $75.

https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/ex-parte-restraining-order-513706.html

In this thread from December 2009, you're again complaining about the situation at Dad's house, but do not mention the stepbrother as one of those problems.

https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/question-tinkerbelle-498521-p2.html

In this thread (child support again), you're trying to have stepmom's income calculated into his support for your child, and convince the judge that Dad is working a second job/makes more than you believe he does.

https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-support-98/support-trial-530125.html

How much money you get from dad is CLEARLY a huge issue for you.

Which brings us to this thread.

Dad sounds like a jerk-wad. But sunshine? You don't sound much better. At. All.

It's OBVIOUS you would love it if Dad had just continued not having a relationship with the child at all, and that you'll grasp at any straw that you think my help you build your case against Dad.

But your credibility and the importance of those straws is inconsistent and frankly, I think you're on an excellent track to have the child completely dependent upon you and alienated from Dad's entire family in no time.

Round of applause!!!!

 

[stealth2]

Wow. That is all I can say. Above and beyond, CJane. Above and beyond!

 

[WittyUserName]

Totally agree, CJane. You get the Posting h/x Detective Work crown.

 

[luvisabattle]

CJane - you are taking things out of context and also misunderstanding.

Daughter first began telling me about step-brother being inappropriate a year ago - recently she told me he exposed himself to her and discussed having sex with his girlfriend with her.

I didn't need justification for refusing ADDITIONAL vacation time to father. Our plan allows for four weeks, he was asking for five. In a better situation I would have agreed, but there were so many issues going on and she didn't want to go. By the way he was asking for my residential time. I have every right to deny that.

I was asked ONCE if she were in therapy not "a few times" like you state. I was getting four messages from people at a time and responded to those. I was asking advice on how to help her - you spin my words.

His family didn't spend ANYTHING on her birthday to spite me. His parents are wealthy and he is well off. Prior to that his parents spent a lot of money on her. You missed my point.

I said the father requested at that time that I direct any e-mails about daycare to his lawyer. She made the mistake of not relaying the info. You took that out of context too.

I originally asked for a daycare change in 2008 when bullying wasnt the problem but access to activities were. As time went on she was transferred to an older kids class that had no girls her age, no-one from her grade at school and she was very unhappy. The issue of daycare escalated and for the past nine months it has been a legal issue. I have researched many places and the rates would differ. The rates also change with increases. Also during that time because of my hours changing at work I was able to cut the time down for her to be at daycare lowering the rate again.

I'm not being inconsistent, the amount has changed with the circumstance and time.

The father and his attorney refused to agree to mediation. Finally the night before I filed for modification (and sent them the documents) they agreed and I was able to request the mediation session. During mediation the father agreed to all of the changes -she wrote up the new plan and then he refused to sign it claiming that he had requested that the weekday time be an over-night (which I NEVER would have agreed to in mediation). Our daughter hates to spend the night in his home.

In washington state if you are requesting a child credit both parents income is calculated. the step-mom had w-2's from 2008 and 2009 they had to submit, but claimed she wasn't working in 2010, so they did not calculate her income.

 

[stealth2]

His family didn't spend ANYTHING on her birthday to spite me. His parents are wealthy and he is well off. Prior to that his parents spent a lot of money on her. You missed my point.

<snip>

In washington state if you are requesting a child credit both parents income is calculated. the step-mom had w-2's from 2008 and 2009 they had to submit, but claimed she wasn't working in 2010, so they did not calculate her income.

1) His family is under no obligation to spend ANY money on your daughter. For her birthday or otherwise.

2) So - in Washington State, the stepparent is considered a parent? Does she have the same rights to the child as you do? She should if you expect her to pay for a child she didn't bear.

Seriously - all this over $30. Ridiculous.

 

[luvisabattle]

I've written this post three times and keep getting cut off.

father did kick stepson out last Dec which was probably when daughter told dad and step-mom about stepbrothers genital issue. I just found out about it now.

stepson hasn't been in our area for the past year which is why he hasn't been mentioned, but father is an airline pilot and they fly back and forth between arizona frequently so daughter sees step-son during all the times when she should be worry free (thanksgiving, christmas, summer time).

Money is an issue for most people and father was paying for less than half of daughter's expenses and his salary is three times mine.

I'm not a jerk-wad equivalent. I am accountable for my part in this. Like I have said in my previous posts, I don't know how to stop the conflict without rolling over. And it sounds like in your eyes I should just let him bully me and walk all over me etc.

 

[Proserpina]

I've written this post three times and keep getting cut off.

father did kick stepson out last Dec which was probably when daughter told dad and step-mom about stepbrothers genital issue. I just found out about it now.

stepson hasn't been in our area for the past year which is why he hasn't been mentioned, but father is an airline pilot and they fly back and forth between arizona frequently so daughter sees step-son during all the times when she should be worry free (thanksgiving, christmas, summer time).

Money is an issue for most people and father was paying for less than half of daughter's expenses and his salary is three times mine.

I'm not a jerk-wad equivalent. I am accountable for my part in this. Like I have said in my previous posts, I don't know how to stop the conflict without rolling over. And it sounds like in your eyes I should just let him bully me and walk all over me etc.

If you think your child should be living a worry-free life...you're probably doing her a great disservice.

The holidays are stressful. What YOU need to do is teach her coping skills.

Encouraging the concept that <holiday/event/whatever> should be stress-free is NOT going to help.

 

[luvisabattle]

1) His family is under no obligation to spend ANY money on your daughter. For her birthday or otherwise.

2) So - in Washington State, the stepparent is considered a parent? Does she have the same rights to the child as you do? She should if you expect her to pay for a child she didn't bear.

Seriously - all this over $30. Ridiculous.

YES the state takes her income into consideration when they are using HER children to deviate from the worksheets.

My increase would have been $400 more a month had it not been for the child credit they recieved. I haven't asked for a support modification since the original order from 6 years ago.

I didn't say his family were obligated to spend money on OUR daughter. It's reflective that they stopped because of me.

 

[luvisabattle]

If you think your child should be living a worry-free life...you're probably doing her a great disservice.

The holidays are stressful. What YOU need to do is teach her coping skills.

Encouraging the concept that <holiday/event/whatever> should be stress-free is NOT going to help.

There's got to be a middle ground. The homes she is going back and forth from are polar opposites. The therapy is helping, hopefully all of us, with coping skills.

 

[CJane]

I don't know how to stop the conflict without rolling over. And it sounds like in your eyes I should just let him bully me and walk all over me etc.

Nope. In fact, I think conflict-wise, the relationship you have with your ex is a cake walk compared to the one I used to have with my ex, and the ones that some other posters in this very thread have with their exes/used to have with their exes.

But you don't WANT to end the conflict. If you really wanted to, it would have ended long ago. And no, it's certainly not easy. But it can be done without rolling over. In fact, it can be done by rationally and steadfastly refusing to roll over, standing up for yourself about the things that really matter - long term, and learning to let everything else - and I do mean EVERYTHING ELSE go.

I've been divorced from my ex for going on 7 years. And anyone here can attest to the incredibly high conflict that we've both engaged in. Especially after "supersstep" entered the picture. We were in and out of court almost constantly over things that, looking back, were incredibly petty and vastly unimportant to the long term.

And then I told him that I was done. I wasn't going to engage with him anymore. I know that the children are safe in his home (not happy, not thrilled to be there, not without conflict) but safe. And at the end of the day, that's what matters. It's not my job to monitor his relationship with his children. And it's not HIS job to monitor my relationship with mine - even though they're the same children.

We share the kids, we live in the same very small town. And we will for another 7.5 years, at least. Allowing that much time to be full of drama would just be stupid. You can choose to make a conscious choice not to engage in the conflict or not. Makes no difference at all to me. But it would make a world of difference to your daughter.

 

[luvisabattle]

Points taken, thanks for your time.

 

[stealth2]

YES the state takes her income into consideration when they are using HER children to deviate from the worksheets.

My increase would have been $400 more a month had it not been for the child credit they recieved. I haven't asked for a support modification since the original order from 6 years ago.

I didn't say his family were obligated to spend money on OUR daughter. It's reflective that they stopped because of me.

There is a huge difference in giving her income consideration, and actually using it to calculate the CS owed.

 

[CJane]

There is a huge difference in giving her income consideration, and actually using it to calculate the CS owed.

And, way back when the statute was posted regarding taking step-mom's income into account, Dad was receiving credit for the stepson - and THAT was the issue. Stepson no longer lives in the household, apparently, and the children that Dad is receiving credit for are HIS.

 

[luvisabattle]

Hearing Not Confirmed

The attorney did not confirm our hearing, and the rules say the order is striken if you don't confirm.

She said she sent in a "re-note". Can she do that?